Satellite

As I'm on the rail train home, I look outside at the sunset in the distance. I love sitting on the upper level to watch the world go by and stare at the sky as it changes the colors of the backdrops of the quant NJ towns. When this relationship first started, I remember my mom saying how I was going to get tired of the commute back and forth. I'm not going to lie, getting up early on my days off isn't the easiest, but it is the most rewarding.

I was looking back at old high school photos last night when I couldn't sleep. It's so strange how things change after such a short time. People change, situations change, and mentalities change. Very little has stayed the same. The friends I thought would be with me for the long run have disappeared, and those who I thought would fade away have stayed close. Today is Kyle's 21st birthday. Normally, I'd post something on Facebook and insist we see each other by the weekend. Instead, I watch as others congratulate him while I stand in the shadows wondering where my best friend of so many years had gone. He messaged me a little while ago asking to go out to lunch or coffee sometime. I couldn't help but respond with how I genuinely felt. He wasn't the person I grew up with and he let too many unimportant people influence who he is and what he does with his life. He's moving out to Indiana with his boyfriend in a couple of months. A year ago, I would have been heartbroken and totally lost. But now it isn't even on my radar. It's sick how someone who once meant so much now means next to nothing. I just have to focus on my own life and where I'm going. As I watch the sun set on the little towns of NJ, I think of how lucky I am to be in my position. It isn't the best or most ideal, but at least I have a family that supports me and a boyfriend who loves me. You can't truly love until you've given up on it. 

Ü

I had Josh's formal this past Saturday. It was the first time he saw me dressed up, and vice versa. When I snuck a peek of him getting dressed and fancy, I got anxious. He looked so good. Would I look just as good next to him? I did my makeup and looked at my hair that was so perfectly styled by his brother. When we finally unveiled our final looks to each other, I think we both were lost for words. He said I looked beautiful, and he definitely looked handsome. We posed for the traditional barrage of photos, along with a selfie of us with his parents. I really do enjoy his entire family. They're all such sweet people and seem to actually like me for some crazy reason. After photos, we headed to formal. We discovered there was no elevator to bring us to his friends room in the hotel. It rare times like those that I actually notice the wheelchair. I know some people would see it as a burden or a difficult obstacle, but I've just adapted to it. It has it's fair share of useful moments for sure. We sat in the cafe downstairs in the hotel and just chatted. He looked so amazing under the dimmed lights. They cast this amazing glow on his face that made me think of how lucky I am that this incredible guy is mine. I ended up being my typical clumsy self and spilled water on my dress. It wasn't a huge deal. We went to his other friends room and watched as the other people flooded in. I counted a total of 18-20 college kids in one hotel room taking shots, making drinks, and getting prepared for the event. My social anxiety kicked in, but I had Josh there to shield me from the other humans in close proximity. When the actual formal began, Josh and I grabbed a couple rum and cokes and watched the formal slowly become a club in Manhattan. Every girl there was dressed rather...interestingly. Josh and I drank and kissed and people watched. It was the most fun I had had in a while. The past week has been a very stressful one, so a night to relax was fun. I anticipated staying the night with Josh but my parents wouldn't have it. Instead, I got home at 3:30am and passed out, wishing I was in his arms.
Monday was our one month anniversary. We've known each other such a short period of time, yet we've grown so much together. We compliment each other in just the right ways, and keep each other sane when one of us is having a bad day. My love life is as complete as I've ever felt. I have a boyfriend who I can show off to everyone I know, and they all think he's just as handsome as I do. He's smart, sweet, funny, and so caring. He would do almost anything for me, and I'd do the same for him. Spring break is approaching for me, and I'm going to take full advantage. I'm going to see Josh more than once a week and maybe even do some much needed cleaning. After that, I have about 3 more weeks of school then I'm out till September. I just keep thinking about the summer and what an amazing time that's going to be. The countdown is on until I have my summer freedom. I can almost taste it.

Where [I] Belong

He has the most amazing way of calming me down. Both he and my therapist said that I need to stop blaming myself. I'm studying and doing all I can. I'm taking the necessary steps to recover. It isn't impossible and that's what I'm seeing now. My meds are out of sync and that's why my moods have been so bipolar (literally).
The weekend of Josh's formal is coming up. I'm looking forward to dressing up and feeling pretty. I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time. Having a night to not worry about everything is exactly what I think I need. I can't wait to see him dressed up and see us together. I want a nice perfect picture of us to put in my room. Whenever I get depressed or sad, I look at a photo album I have dedicated to Josh. It's selfies of us together, funny faces he'll send me, or just random pics I've gathered so far. We always seem to be sending each other things in the mail. I thought long distance would be difficult but it isn't that terrible. We talk all the time, Skype a few times during the week, then have our date nights on Friday. We make it work. I think I'm where I belong, finally.

Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure whether it's from my medication being out of whack or what, but I'm down. I haven't felt this disconnected in a while. I didn't do well on yet another A&P test. I studied and focused and did everything I could. I had the PowerPoints printed for each class and was always ready. I was confident about this test. I really was. He posted the grades 15mins after class ended and my world just crashed down. It isn't possible for me to recover anymore. Mathematically, it just doesn't work. I'm going to finish this out. I'm not going to quit. But I don't know where to go from here. There's a very slight chance I could make it still but given how much I already dedicate to it, I can't imagine how to get 100s, or even 90s. Josh told me that it isn't over yet and I need to keep working hard. I know he's right. I just need this internal feeling to go away. I feel disconnected and depressed and helpless. I don't know what's wrong with me but something has to change. Now.

Not on Drugs

Thursday was tough for me. It marked exactly a year since I parted ways with my Little Thing. It makes me so sad but at the same time I know bringing a baby into the world under the circumstances I was in wasn't ideal. Little Thing will always hold a special place in my heart. I never heard it it or felt it but I saw it and knew they were in there.
I told Josh all about the craziness of the last chapter of my life. He's so kind and caring, it's beyond my understanding sometimes. He's always giving me small things here and there that make me smile. A pair of socks, an old hoodie, candy, sweet things in the mail. Josh is just beyond words. I'm so lucky to have found him at this point in my life. He's so supportive and helps me in any way possible. He accepts me for who and what I am. I want to talk to him 24/7 but alas, that isn't reality.
I've spent the last little while studying and working. It's nice to study. It's hard but I can feel it making a difference. I'm trying to rest now after days of terrible sleep. I'm still a bit restless but I'm cuddling Josh's hoodie to hopefully make me sleep better. It still smells like him. It's clean and manly and so pure. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world. He's too special for me to even think about losing him. Who was once a stranger is now my person for everything and anything. Life is funny like that.

Dark Blue

The street lights on my block were all changed from the standard yellow lights to a new LED system. They glow the prettiest shade of blue in the night. I read somewhere that installing blue street lights actually reduced crime and suicide rates. Blue has always been known as a very chill color. I think that's why I like it. I like to be calm.
I'm feeling stressed but I know I can still recover from the little stumble I've taken in my classes. Hard work and dedication are what it takes to get anywhere, especially into the medical arts field. I have to kick ass for the next couple months, then sit back and enjoy my summer. I'll have a new kitten, no stress, and a boyfriend with a pool. What more could a girl ask for? I knew school would be a stress but I wasn't counting on everything going to shit while in the process. I just have to pick up all the pieces and make up for the time I've lost. I have to get through the week successfully. I have to use my time wisely to study and better myself. My room is a semi-disaster and I know that cleaning helps depression and makes it easier to focus. I know this to be true from a couple of past cleaning binges. Little by little, I'm picking at my mess and clearing away the unneeded junk. If you think about it, it's like a metaphor for life. You can survive with the mess of stuff you don't need. But you won't be totally happy and free. In order to feel clean and motivated, the people around you have to be clean and motivated. We throw out the trash that takes up space and keep the things we absolutely need. This maximizes both efficiency and happiness. I have the happiness. I just need to make myself more efficient.

You're Always on My Mind

Friday's are sort of like Josh and I's date nights. I go out to Jersey and we spend the afternoon/evening together and enjoy the little time we have. Friday's are always my favorite day. I was running late for my lecture this morning and I ran out of the house in a hurry trying to catch my bus. Next thing I know, JP pulls up next to me. He changed a lot but he was still himself. I didn't say much. I let him talk and cry and talk some more. It must suck to be him but it's one of those situations where you really just don't care. Should I get pizza or chinese food? It doesn't make much of a difference. I've never been able to sit there and watch someone cry without getting upset myself. All I was thinking about was Josh and if I was late for lecture. JP reads my blog so I can guarantee he'll see this soon. You can't forget someone or the history you share, but you can let that person go.
Josh picked me up after my class today and took me to my doctor appointment. He insisted he come and get me since I've made a lot of trips out of state for him. We headed back to his place and I love being immersed in his life. Whether it be meeting his aid, his nephew, a family friend, whatever. Eating together and getting coffee together and discussing movies and laying my legs on his. It's all so small and insignificant, but yet it means the world to me. We saw a car show in the city and it was nice. I'm not a big car person but it was cool to walk around and window shop and daydream about being able to afford fun cars to play with. I held Josh's hand as we walked around and talked. It was just so sweet. He's so sweet. This new chapter in my life is so sweet. And it doesn't have anything to do with JP.