Ain't Ever Getting Older

The more I'm around Josh, the more I get a feel for us. Every couple is different with different dynamics and quirks. He and I have a crazy connection where we're almost freakishly in sync with each other. We text each other at the same time, think the same thoughts, finish each other's sentences, and even dream the same dreams. We like the same music and the same foods. Josh is like the male version of me, but actually tolerable.
We had dinner with his nephews, mom and dad. I've only been over for dinner once before, and his family holds the same traditions as mine. Always having vegetables, praying, and having manners. I've had dinner with a couple of different families and not everyone holds to that, especially the prayer. As we ate, his young  nephews were being difficult and misbehaving. As I spend time with his family as a whole, I see more and more how dysfunctional and imperfect they are. But it's that dysfunction and imperfection that's perfect to me. They're human and don't hide it. I genuinely love his family. His mom is the nicest and most down to earth person, and his dad is so sweet and funny. They went on vacation and actually thought of me and got a cute t-shirt. I feel like part of their family. His mom referred to me as "aunt [Eve]" over dinner. It took me by surprise. It might have just been a slip or not a big deal to them, but to me it means something. I'm getting close and I love it. I've been afraid to get too close. I've been burned before, the latest time being the worst. I've gotten involved in families and invested in people, all for naught. But with Josh's family, it's different. They're all so amazing in the simplest ways - and I never want this beautiful simplicity to end.

Yurt

I spend every waking moment thinking about Josh. How I miss him, want to hold his hand, kiss him, and have our asshole-ish sarcastic banter. My mom and I were looking into resorts for a long weekend in September for labor day. I happened to stumble upon one with great reviews, beautiful rooms, and lots to see and do in the area. Best of all,  it's accessible. He doesn't know it yet but I'm thinking about next summer already. He and I going on a couples trip would make me so happy. Obviously I have more than enough time to plan and browse,  but I love the idea. There are shooting ranges nearby and tons of fishing. Sometimes I think I plan too much in advance but I love when things are perfect, which takes time. I just love everything as it is.

All My Friends

Josh and I were able to score one last sleep over for the summer. I made plans with my friends so all of them could meet Josh and we could spend time together. My day started with a psychological interview for the DEP Police position. It was emotionally exhausting. There were far too many questions and inquiries. By the time I left, it was 2hrs later. I was exhausted but I rushed to NJ. I got to Josh, then we headed out. My friends, Josh, and I went to the beach. We watched the sun go down and saw how pretty the bright moon looked in the pastels. We gathered back to the car at the sight of lightning. It was beautiful to watch while I drove. We stopped for food and everyone finally got a chance to just sit down and talk. Everyone was getting along amazingly. I couldn't have asked for anything better. We left and I dropped everyone back to their respective houses.  Josh loves my friends and my friends love him.
Josh and I stopped for coffee on the way home and on the way into the drive thru, I hit the curb. I ended up losing part of the side of his car. The sliding door still works so it's purely cosmetic. I was just in pieces over it, and Josh could tell. He tried to calm my nerves and make me feel better. Eventually I was able to relax. We took advantage of his bed, then went to sleep. We cuddled all through the night and once again I loved feeling him so close. His alarm for school went off early in the morning and he told me he would call out so we could stay in bed together for longer. It was just he and I home. His parents are away on vacation so we had the house to ourselves. We slept in, I showered, and we saw a movie. We went to the mechanic to see how bad the car was. He didn't give anything by way of a price, and that makes me nervous. I'm so worried it'll be something outrageous. After that, we went to lunch/dinner. Just looking at him eating makes me smile. I tease him a lot, but I also love him a lot. It feels so perfect when we kiss. I eventually had to leave to come home, and it broke my heart. As soon as I got into the cab and watched as we pulled away, I got teary eyed. Something about this sleep over felt different. He and I were alone together. No parents or anyone else in the house. That's what I dream of in the future. I watched on my phone as we got farther away from each other on the map and it made me even more sad. But that feeling of sadness, especially in that degree, confirms what I really already knew. I never want to be without him.

My Law Student

I slept over at Josh's house the other night. I really do cherish every moment I spend with him. He asked me what my favorite times are with him, and I really didn't have to think much. My favorite moments are when we sleep together. It's so sweet to be able to roll over in the middle of the night and have the person you love right there next to you. You can listen to them breathe and feel the small movements as they dream. Josh calls me a spider monkey when I sleep. I like to be as close as possible to him no matter what. Whether it's being the little spoon, wrapping his arm over me to cuddle, or just draping my legs over his. I love being with him, in every aspect possible.
He had school the next day. It was the last day of his pre-law school session and he had an exam. Seeing him in his element with the other law students was nice. After the exam, he and I cut out and got lunch together. We had Cuban food with a pitcher of watermelon mojitos to share between us both. It felt like an adult date. I'm not sure why - maybe it was the adult drinks? The nice setting? The amazing food? Or maybe just the realization that we're both growing up, not just me.
After our lunch, we made a quick pit stop home, then headed back to his school. There was a family and friends BBQ that he wanted me to attend. Me being the introvert I am, I wasn't a huge fan of meeting new people. The introduction began and certificates were given out to the program graduates, and they welcomed as official students to the law school. A speech was made by some woman, I can't remember her roll. Maybe a Dean? But she asked the family and friends a few questions. Why do we want our law students to go to law school? And what's in it for us? I really had to think about that answer. I tease Josh all the time that I'm just using him for his rich lawyer money, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I wouldn't care if he became a shitty public lawyer being paid shit money. As long as he was happy doing what he was doing, that's all I'd care about. I want him to go to law school because that's what he wants. He loves history and the law and fighting for what's right. Josh has a pure heart, and it's very clear to me that he'll be the best lawyer possible. The woman said that the upcoming first semester was going to be the most difficult. Relationships will be tried and strained. Arguments will be had and silent treatments may be given. But in the end, the strongest relationships will survive. I believe Josh and I will make it. We have to. I've already fallen for him too hard to give up over some bullshit I know will pass. I've endured a lot of nonsense over the years, and I finally found someone who's worth enduring it for. I love my law student.

Life Changer

Exactly a year ago today, August 12th, I was admitted to the hospital. That experience really did change me.
When it all started, I thought it was a cold. I had a fever, chills, and I wasn't eating much. The last shift I worked before being admitted was tough. The last hour of it I spent hiding in clearance doubled over in pain. I was having the worst cramps of my life. I knew I was sick with something, I just didn't think it was as big as it was. After a few days of calling out of work and shaking on my couch, my mom insisted I go to a doctor. I went to my dad's GP. He did the works and as soon as he felt my sides and kidneys, he told me I needed to go to the ER, now. I was obviously alarmed, but thought I just needed some IV fluids. At first, the nurses in the ER didn't think much of it. I had recently taken Motrin so my fever was down, but they passed me to a general physician who was around the ER. I was placed in the children's ward so I'd have a private bed. I had a sonogram of my abdomen and kidneys done, as well as a bladder scan. From the results, they determined I did need some fluids, and help in general. The nurse went to give me an IV, but my veins kept collapsing and exploding due to the lack of water in my blood. It took them 6 tries to get a good line in, and my arms ended up looking like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. My dad was begging them to admit me purely because it would be cheaper for our insurance copays. The doctor agreed, but it wasn't until later that they saw the extent of my problems.
Once the Motrin from home wore off, all hell broke loose. I spiked a fever around 103 and started almost convulsing under the layers of sheets I was wrapped in. They gave me Tylenol to bring down the fever. They came to a diagnosis of pyelonephritis. It means I had not just one, but both of my kidneys were infected. This came as the result of a UTI I didn't treat because I had no symptoms. I was pumped with IV fluids, and was on a liquid diet for my first day and a half there. I continued to spike fevers, one getting as high as 105. They gave me Tylenol and then a dose of morphine in my IV drip. I instantly felt better. I was in excruciating pain because the shaking I'd do once I got a fever would aggravate my kidneys, which were already tender. Every 4hrs I would have all vitals taken, including a rectal temperature and at least 3 blood samples. The next and last time I had morphine was after a fever and shaking fit. As soon as I was injected with the morphine, I felt my chest collapse. JP was next to me and I looked at him, barely being able to speak, and told him I wasn't getting enough oxygen. The nurse saw something was wrong and took my oxygen levels. They were in the 80s, then normally they should be above 97. I was immediately put on a continuous oxygen feed to get my levels back up. I would get winded easily if I tried speaking or moving without the oxygen on me. I had respiratory therapy sessions with oral steroids every 6 or so hours to keep my lungs open and inflated. I was randomly taken for an echocardiogram early in the morning one day and I had no idea why. Once it was done, the attending physician told me that I was showing signs of early heart failure. He explained to me that since I was pumped so full of fluids, I wasn't able to filter it all because of my banged up kidneys. So the fluid I was being given was building up in my lungs, giving me pneumonia, and around my heart, sending me into early stages of heart failure. They got everything in time and the antibiotics started to help things along. I remember when they took me off my oxygen and I had a little freedom back. I remember taking my pole of IVs with me and walking around my ward. I found a window and just stopped. I didn't have a bed by a window, and I hadn't seen sun or trees or the sky in days. I only saw glimpses of them as I would be on a transport gurney because wings and wards on my way to various tests. I just stood there and watched as a breeze blew the leaves on a tree and the clouds moved so slowly across the bright blue sky. I could see people walking around below me and I wished I could be them. I missed feeling the sun and the wind and smelling something other than rubbing alcohol and latex. I began to get a little tired and headed back to my prison.
After a total of 2 bladder scans, 2 EKGs, 2 doses of morphine, 25+ needles, 3 IV ports, sonograms, an echocardiogram, a CT scan, and 6 days, I was finally released (with medication to take for my residual pneumonia). I said goodbye to my roommate Linda, who I spent many hours with just talking and sharing stories with. I thanked all of the nurses who helped me get changed, gave me a sponge bath, helped when I needed to go to the bathroom, and for every other up and down I needed them for. My dad brought them cookies and they said I was the model patient. We hugged and I left. When I walked at first, my legs were like noodles. Once I made it outside, I stopped right when the sun hit my face. I just stood there for a brief moment and enjoyed what I had taken for granted my whole life. I smelled the trees and felt the breeze play with my greasy hospital hair. The sun was so warm and felt like a hug. I swore to myself after that that I would never take what I have for granted. I can shower. I can brush my teeth. I can change my underwear. I can look outside. I can GO outside. I use that experience to also motivate me in my nursing studies. Every single nurse I came into contact with was amazing. One of them helped clean me up and even did my hair because she knew I was having company. I want to be like them. I want patients to look at me and be glad that I was their nurse. I'm a dedicated person; sometimes to those who don't deserve it. But I will dedicate my everything to my patients, just like my nurses did for me. I came out of that hospital with a new mindset and a shit ton of motivation. I ran into Linda about a month ago at work and we talked for a little. She said that at the time she didn't want to scare me at the time, but I looked pretty bad when I ended up getting my oxygen feed. She thought I looked really sick. It isn't that comforting to know that I looked just as bad as I felt.
Just to add a small section here, I wanted to mention JP's role in this mess. To his credit, he stayed with me most nights at the hospital. He also fought with me and we got into a little scuffle. He threw a cold hamburger at my face and gave me a nosebleed. It doesn't sound painful, but when you're in bad shape already, it hurts. He left the room in a storm of anger and left his vape behind. I took my IV pole, grabbed the vape, and brought it to the bathroom where I threw it into the bottom of the garbage under layers of blood, pee, shit, and god knows what else. Karma is a bitch.

Blissful Irrationality

I feel like in a lot of these posts, I say how grown up I feel. It's massively true. I never would have guessed even 6 months ago that late nights out would be acceptable now. I didn't get home until well after midnight on Friday due to being stuck in 2 1/2hr traffic. The ride was torturous, but I had Josh and two of his close friends in the back seat. They're both cool people. It was nice being able to actually talk to my boyfriends friends - be in his world. His friends seem to like me. We spent the hours discussing hookups and sex. You would think it would be awkward, but I like having people who aren't so conservative. God forbid if I touched upon the topic of sex with a male friend when I was with JP. My dad greeted me when I got home late and didn't mind. 

The next morning we left on a little road trip. We drove to CT and went to a whaling/boating museum. It had real ships and a recreated sea village from the 17-1800s. I found it all to be so fascinating. My mom had to stay behind due to work, but I still had a lot of fun. My dad and brother and I had fun together. Although, I was wishing the entire time that Josh were there with me. He'd love the history behind it and all of the cool buildings and exhibits. I wish I could take him everywhere with me. 

Josh started law school today. He's going to be busy for a long day each day. He's heard several professors say that law school will test relationships. We've endured long distance, and have been through a lot already. Both of our professions need a lot of dedication to succeed. Every relationship also needs dedication. Complete dedication is hard to find these days, but I know he and I have a 100% chance at succeeding in this relationship. We both care so irrationally for each other for only being together 4 months. Sometimes, irrational is a good thing - even a blessing.