Grumpy Pants

I just had my first round of tests. I'm exhausted on so many levels. I created my own 'cheat sheets' to help me study. I combined the Power Points from lectures with the text in the book so make what I felt was the perfect study tool. Definitions, diagrams, color coding, and everything else I could think of. I was extremely on edge the entire day, even after my exams. I had two A&P tests back to back, and so that's what made it so hard. They don't focus on the same material so I was tasked with studying two different sets of information. The lecture I was confident in until after I handed it in. I suddenly began to tally what I got wrong and it bothered me. It freaked me out and I started to get even more anxious for my lab test. Despite some incorrect calculations, I think for the most part I did well. The lab and lecture are tallied together at the end of the semester to figure your final grade for the class. The lab happens to be worth slightly more (60%) for your grade, so one slightly off test for the 40% lecture value isn't the end of the world as long as I did well on my lab. I was beating myself up all day for the lecture fuck up. Josh sensed it and was trying so hard to elicite some kind of positive response. It's my personality to be very dedicated and throw myself into things. I know this is beyond important so having so much self-doubt really impacted the rest of my school day. I was dedicated to the point where even after the exams were over, I was still fixated. It isn't healthy for me to obsess, but there are worse things I could be fixated on. Like today before my last class, I watched these videos of people's deaths being caught on camera, like being broadcast live on TV. It was surreal to watch numerous people shoot themselves in the head. One even did it with a rifle, and his blood and brains went everywhere. Most people would think that's disgusting or disturbing, but I watched the same 5secs of footage over and over again. It fascinated me. But that's a down side to being so obsessive. I sometimes find things and fixate too much. It makes me wonder why I find those types of things so interesting. Watching him get the gun, position it, then fire under his chin. I analyzed how the body dropped to the ground, his slight movement once he collapsed, the pattern his blood flowed in across the pavement, and even details of what he was wearing. My mom says I obsess too much over murder mystery shows. My favorites are Homicide Hunter Joe Kenda, and 48hrs. Sometimes I enjoy the less graphic ones like My Neighbor from Hell or Killer Women. I guess maybe that's the sicko in me who's fascinated in death and dying. Blood has never freaked me out before. I actually like watching my blood being drawn. The way it fills the tube so fast, and the deep red color. I sound like a psychopath, so I digress.
I forgot to mention in my previous posts that Josh and I are going out to Montauk in October together with his parents. I was shocked when my mom actually agreed to it, with no questions or argument. That level or freedom is something I've never had. I've never been able to actually travel with a boyfriend, let alone so far and without any opposition. All she said was to Josh, "Take care of her". She trusts him, and it's so obvious. She sees that we aren't a distraction to each other. She sees how hard I've been working in school. She's noticed all of the extra effort I've put in this semester. I've skipped watching our favorite shows because I had homework or something to study for. I'm actually enjoying how much I throw myself into my work. It feels good to focus and learn. Josh is there every step of the way encouraging me and not letting me get to hard on myself. His midterms are soon, and the roles will be reversed. He'll be grumpy and stressed, while I'm more the supportive and encouraging one. We're a team who strive for success, and I think my mom sees that. I think she's starting to see Josh the way I see him. He's become a part of me that I can never lose. I'm lucky to have him in my life each and every day. My life is going exactly how it should be. School is stressful which is normal, I miss my boyfriend which is normal, and I have a love/hate relationship with work. There's no extra drama or anything to steal my attention away from what I'm focusing on. My world is finally revolving around me and my needs, not anyone else who may disturb my peace.

Bonded

I haven't updated in a while. Classes and labs and lectures have kept me busy. For once, I can say that I'm actually understanding things like micro organic chemistry. I still need studying, but I feel so accomplished being able to follow along with the professor and not be completely lost and feeling defeated. I just wrapped up a late night study session. I was outlining a chapter and reading everything. I'm not going to get cocky because staying calm and humble is how I'll win this race.
On a very positive note as well, Josh and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It doesn't sound like a big deal in the long run, but it means a lot. He and I are long distance and don't get the time together like most couples do. We cherish the little time we have together and that's what makes us special. I look at Josh and see my future. His blue eyes, amazing dimples, sense of humor, and even his voice. We went to a nice restaurant overlooking midtown/downtown  Manhattan. We got there early and were able to watch the sun go from shining to spreading a beautiful rose gold over the city and the water in front of us. We both got drinks and fancy food. He told me I looked beautiful (as he often does) and I felt it. My hair was let completely down, I wore a classic black and white dress, and completed everything with makeup. Josh had never seen me with my hair fully down for a long period like that before, and it felt kind of liberating. My hair at this point is below my butt. It's gotten to the point where I sit on it frequently and it's longer than my arm, so brushing is a hassle. But I felt good about myself in that moment. That's something I could easily see Josh and I doing in the future. Getting dressed up, going to a nice restaurant, ordering fancy cheese plates and drinks, and just sitting there watching the window and talking to each other. It isn't often we get to enjoy each other's company, so I don't take it for granted. For our anniversary, he blew me out of the water. He got me a fire opal claddagh ring with matching white fire opal earrings. They were gorgeous and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I put them on immediately, and still haven't taken the earrings out. Me being me, I forgot Josh's presents at home. I felt like an absolute jerk. One sided gift exchanges don't really work.
Josh deserves way more than I can ever give him in my opinion. I can be distant at times and not easy to open up. I almost cried at our anniversary dinner, so I suppose that's a step. But I'm not as expressive as he is about his love for me. I love him more than anything in this world, but I never know how to say it. My therapist says that I just need to say it more and stop worrying so much on delivery and silly things. I want to give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. Josh is an amazing man that I can't fathom living without. Everyone around us approves of our relationship and are even talking marriage already. For once, I feel what it means to be in a healthy relationship. That's something I've never had before, so getting used to that dynamic has been a little strange. I'm still conditioned certain ways, but I'm slowly becoming my own person. I'm not what the world made of me, but what I make of myself. Josh is with me though it all and I know he has my back. I just pray he doesn't see something he can't handle.

Slalom Way

The beginning of the semester has brought stress. I know I can handle it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've only just completed my first classes for each. For the long Labor Day weekend, my family and I decided to go on a mini vacation. We left last night after I got out of work and drove about 3-4hrs to get here. As soon as I got out of the car, I was amazed. The stars were so incredibly bright. The house we rented is in the Poconos, so it isn't too populated and lit up. You can hear the crickets and cicadas chirping outside, and see nothing but trees and sky. The house we have is 3 bedrooms, so everyone got their own room. Today we started late because no one got to bed until 2am. We went fishing, and I caught my first fish (a rainbow trout). We had them filleted and scaled to fry up for dinner. I've never been a seafood person, but it wasn't bad. I guess tastes may change over time. Tomorrow we have a boat to go out on a big lake for some more fishing. We all enjoy it, and love spending that time together. I'm hoping to fit in some hiking as well, since it's so beautiful here. I love my family, and I love spending time with them doing fun activities. The only thing that could make this better were if Josh came with us. This weekend will be fun without a doubt, and I can't wait to make the most of it.