Grumpy Pants

I just had my first round of tests. I'm exhausted on so many levels. I created my own 'cheat sheets' to help me study. I combined the Power Points from lectures with the text in the book so make what I felt was the perfect study tool. Definitions, diagrams, color coding, and everything else I could think of. I was extremely on edge the entire day, even after my exams. I had two A&P tests back to back, and so that's what made it so hard. They don't focus on the same material so I was tasked with studying two different sets of information. The lecture I was confident in until after I handed it in. I suddenly began to tally what I got wrong and it bothered me. It freaked me out and I started to get even more anxious for my lab test. Despite some incorrect calculations, I think for the most part I did well. The lab and lecture are tallied together at the end of the semester to figure your final grade for the class. The lab happens to be worth slightly more (60%) for your grade, so one slightly off test for the 40% lecture value isn't the end of the world as long as I did well on my lab. I was beating myself up all day for the lecture fuck up. Josh sensed it and was trying so hard to elicite some kind of positive response. It's my personality to be very dedicated and throw myself into things. I know this is beyond important so having so much self-doubt really impacted the rest of my school day. I was dedicated to the point where even after the exams were over, I was still fixated. It isn't healthy for me to obsess, but there are worse things I could be fixated on. Like today before my last class, I watched these videos of people's deaths being caught on camera, like being broadcast live on TV. It was surreal to watch numerous people shoot themselves in the head. One even did it with a rifle, and his blood and brains went everywhere. Most people would think that's disgusting or disturbing, but I watched the same 5secs of footage over and over again. It fascinated me. But that's a down side to being so obsessive. I sometimes find things and fixate too much. It makes me wonder why I find those types of things so interesting. Watching him get the gun, position it, then fire under his chin. I analyzed how the body dropped to the ground, his slight movement once he collapsed, the pattern his blood flowed in across the pavement, and even details of what he was wearing. My mom says I obsess too much over murder mystery shows. My favorites are Homicide Hunter Joe Kenda, and 48hrs. Sometimes I enjoy the less graphic ones like My Neighbor from Hell or Killer Women. I guess maybe that's the sicko in me who's fascinated in death and dying. Blood has never freaked me out before. I actually like watching my blood being drawn. The way it fills the tube so fast, and the deep red color. I sound like a psychopath, so I digress.
I forgot to mention in my previous posts that Josh and I are going out to Montauk in October together with his parents. I was shocked when my mom actually agreed to it, with no questions or argument. That level or freedom is something I've never had. I've never been able to actually travel with a boyfriend, let alone so far and without any opposition. All she said was to Josh, "Take care of her". She trusts him, and it's so obvious. She sees that we aren't a distraction to each other. She sees how hard I've been working in school. She's noticed all of the extra effort I've put in this semester. I've skipped watching our favorite shows because I had homework or something to study for. I'm actually enjoying how much I throw myself into my work. It feels good to focus and learn. Josh is there every step of the way encouraging me and not letting me get to hard on myself. His midterms are soon, and the roles will be reversed. He'll be grumpy and stressed, while I'm more the supportive and encouraging one. We're a team who strive for success, and I think my mom sees that. I think she's starting to see Josh the way I see him. He's become a part of me that I can never lose. I'm lucky to have him in my life each and every day. My life is going exactly how it should be. School is stressful which is normal, I miss my boyfriend which is normal, and I have a love/hate relationship with work. There's no extra drama or anything to steal my attention away from what I'm focusing on. My world is finally revolving around me and my needs, not anyone else who may disturb my peace.