Nudes

I finally spoke to my mom about changing my major. The look of disappointment when I first brought it up was discouraging. But it soon passed and we began talking about what careers I would be interested in and what's worth while. We were eating out together at our favorite diner, and it was nice being alone to talk. I think she could see the distress on my end, which is why the negativity didn't linger. I told her I'd love to do forensic psychology or something like it. I've always found violent crime and murders so fascinating. Forensic Biology was probably one of my favorite classes I have ever taken. I loved seeing the dead bodies and learning about decomposition and gunshot wounds and strangulation. It's so cool. She told me to do research on what exactly it was I wanted to do, and to find out how to get there. But she also reminded me to stay realistic and not think life is like a tv show where anyone can work for special agencies doing crazy criminal investigations. I need to choose a path and stay on it. That's a point she made clear to me, and I agree with it. I can't keep dancing on the edges.
On a much different note, I've been thinking a lot about makeup recently. I have a small collection of liquid lipsticks, stains, tinted balms, and even a lip exfoliator. Today I bought my very first makeup pallet and eyeshadow brush. I didn't spend much money because I don't know if I'm any good at it, but what's the harm in trying. I've watched a few basic tutorials and got the gist of makeup. Sort of. I'm gonna follow one step by step and see what happens. I actually tried on a liquid lipstick a few hours ago, and the only way it came off was with makeup remover. It stayed on through the shower and drinking and snacking. I can definitely see me wearing this when Josh and I go away together. Now that the weight of the world is somewhat off my shoulders, it finally feels like I can breathe again.

Swimming Pools

The school year has semi-officially ended, finally. I had my last class and last couple of in class tests. It feels good to know I don't have to stress like how I was before. I went over to Josh's house yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow (or technically today, it's past midnight). Yesterday we spent the day around the house baking cookies from scratch and just hanging out. It's the little things that make me see that life doesn't suck all too much. I forget if I've mentioned this yet on here, but he and I have planned a trip for my 21st birthday. January 9-11th we'll be going to Atlantic City. The room is booked and we even made a nice dinner reservation for our first night there. I'm excited. It isn't very often I can do something like this. I can count on one hand the times I've felt truly carefree and happy. I'm just excited. I get to go away on a vacation together, just he and I. Granted it's only 2 nights, but I didn't want to stay away too long since my brother's birthday is a week after mine. All I have to do is get through finals. I have one tomorrow but it isn't one I'm stressed over. I'm leaving from my final and straight to Josh's house. We're seeing Rogue One then doing some odds and ends shopping for assorted birthday and Christmas gifts. I can't wait to spend more time with Josh, now that my schedule finally allows for it again. He's always been the rock I needed when things got messy or stressful. He's one of my best friends, and I want to spend the rest of my life growing old and being us.

Because I'm (Un)Happy

It's almost 5am and my mind is restless. I worked till 12:45am today. I drove home, listened to music, and couldn't wait to just lay down. But now that I'm in bed, I just can't sleep.
A coworker and I went out for lunch together today. His name is Gurmeet. He's probably my favorite coworker. We take jabs at each other all day at work but we really do care about each other. Last time we went out to lunch he opened up to me about how he was bullied as a kid and his early childhood. This time we got on the topic of school and told him my situation. He was in a similar position a couple years ago with his parents. They wanted him to be a doctor but he just wasn't into pre-med. He tried to make it work but he actually started to think suicidal thoughts. That's when he had to sit his parents down and tell them he couldn't do it. His dad told him how disappointed he was. But now Gurmeet is so happy. He has a perfect GPA and is studying what he loves. He told me he actually feels happy and excited in his classes. I haven't felt like that in a couple of years. I loved psych. I took a psych class last semester but it was a repeat of a class I had already taken so I didn't learn anything new. I was always so happy and looked forward to learning. Gurmeet told me that it might really suck and it'll probably hurt, but I have to just talk to my parents and explain to them that nursing just isn't for me. Gurmeet wasted about $45k on tuition for pre-med over the course of a year. So while I may have wasted more time, he wasted more money. The hour flew by and I to go back to work, and he had to head home. He made me promise that I'd talk to my parents before Christmas. I know I have to, but it's so terrifying. My mind keeps going over possible reactions and outcomes and it's hard to get it out of my brain so I can sleep. Gurmeet told me that once he told his parents about how he felt, the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders and he felt so much better. It hasn't even been a full week since I've decided for sure what I'm doing and it's killing me. I know they'll be disappointed but I can't push myself this hard over one class. Today I got affirmation from yet another person that I needed to do what was best for me and I'm making the right choice. I really am thankful to have a friend like Gurmeet. We keep each other sane at work and grounded out in real life. There are only a select few in this world who I open up to, and it's nice to know they all have my back.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

Today yielded many answers. I met with an advisor at my college and explained my situation and concerns. She was very nice and took her time explaining things. We spoke for about 45 minutes, and reviewed different outcomes and possibilities. The only way nursing would be possible would be if I pulled a B next semester, nothing less. I'm working my ass off and stressing myself out beyond belief all for barely a C. I can't realistically pull it off, and I know that. I know my limits now, and I have to move on. I hate to admit defeat. It isn't something I've really ever done before. I've always had a fire in me to keep moving forward and fight as hard as I could. That fire was partially extinguished today. I officially dropped my anatomy class for next semester and replaced it with things I needed. As long as I complete those requirements, I'll be walking in June to accept a diploma. It's only an associates, and I don't know if I should even both walking across the stage and wasting people's time and money on such a stupid thing. I'll be transferring to another local senior college for the Fall 2017 semester. The advisor told me that getting my Associates would avoid a lot of hassle with the transfer, and I'm only 9 credits away so why not. Next semester consists of a history class, archery, yoga, Italian, and an abnormal psychology class. The only challenging thing will be Italian but I'm pretty sure I can scrape by. There are a lot of emotions since I came from that meeting hours and hours and hours ago. Anxiety, panic, depression, happiness, doubt, relief. All rolled up into one human being. My parents still don't know. They don't even know I met with an advisor today. I'm going to give it a week, maybe even two before I tell them. I want to talk to my therapist and make sure I have my head straight. I know this was the right choice but I'm not sure what they'll see. I have a feeling my mom will be slightly disappointed but understand. My dad is another story. He pushes so hard and gets angry when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential. Chaos ensued when I transfered schools and majors for the first time. I can't imagine again. But when I complete my BA, I want to continue on to a MA, then maybe even a PhD one day - I have dreams. But the flame I used to have to guide me through the dark now feels like it's barely a flicker of embers.

When Penguins Fly

I've taken a few days to seriously contemplate my options. I understand that I'm not out of the race yet, but it's a very small chance I'll be accepted into the nursing program. Why waste another entire semester on something that won't further my quest for a degree? I've been thinking about possibly transferring to a local senior college where my mom and her mom went. Fate works in mysterious ways I suppose. It should be an easy transfer, but I need to speak to my advisor. He'll have a better idea of how to do this and what I should do in the mean time. I think this is the right step. It makes sense in my head. I spoke to a few of my lab partners today and they agree with my idea. One of them also has a small likelihood of making the nursing program so she may just continue the path she was on before switching. She and I are in the same boat. Our families put a lot of pressure on us to do well and it just isn't working. She and I have both busted our asses and have stayed mediocre. She's a math whiz and it comes easy to her, which is why she's going that route. She enjoys it and it isn't something that drives her crazy with stress. It's the same situation with myself and psychology. It's always come easy and I genuinely do enjoy it. I just felt like maybe I needed more of a push or a challenge. I went for a challenge and found that maybe it wasn't the right fit. I'm sure some penguins out there look up at the sky and want to fly up into the air. But they can't. It isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just the way things are. The toughest part is going to be my parents. I'm going to tell my mom that my advisor didn't think I'd make the program and suggested I focus my energy elsewhere, which I know he's going to say anyway. It scares me. I'm turning 21 and I still don't know in which direction my life is headed. Josh is the only certain thing I know. Every other aspect of my future is a toss up.

Winter Vibes

Enjoying the fun part of life is the only thing helping me to maintain my sanity. I saw Josh today per usual and we had the house to ourselves. We made Dino nuggets and mac n cheese, and talked and laughed about how we're supposed to be adults. We left for Manhattan a little while later with his friend and his date. We made it to the city and they saw a show while Josh and I went to the Winter Village at Bryant Park. Josh and I actually took a picture where he and I had our first kiss so many months ago. It was coincidence that we parked in the same garage, but it was so sweet remembering back to then. Anyway, Andrea was able to make it into the city too so we all hung out together. One of my favorite things was seeing Andrea and Josh interact. They get along perfectly and I couldn't ask for a better dynamic between them. We peeked into the stores, bought a couple hot chocolates, and walked around. We met his friend and his date again, along with another of Josh's friends. We all grouped together and the 6 of us went to dinner at a nice Italian place in midtown. I had 2 cranberry vodkas, enjoyed the family style food, conversation, and laughs. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better. I got home past midnight then baked something for a coworker's birthday. It's just past 3am and I'm finally in bed. I had a day somewhat free from stress. But that never seems to last very long.