The Little Engine That Couldn't

Today yielded many answers. I met with an advisor at my college and explained my situation and concerns. She was very nice and took her time explaining things. We spoke for about 45 minutes, and reviewed different outcomes and possibilities. The only way nursing would be possible would be if I pulled a B next semester, nothing less. I'm working my ass off and stressing myself out beyond belief all for barely a C. I can't realistically pull it off, and I know that. I know my limits now, and I have to move on. I hate to admit defeat. It isn't something I've really ever done before. I've always had a fire in me to keep moving forward and fight as hard as I could. That fire was partially extinguished today. I officially dropped my anatomy class for next semester and replaced it with things I needed. As long as I complete those requirements, I'll be walking in June to accept a diploma. It's only an associates, and I don't know if I should even both walking across the stage and wasting people's time and money on such a stupid thing. I'll be transferring to another local senior college for the Fall 2017 semester. The advisor told me that getting my Associates would avoid a lot of hassle with the transfer, and I'm only 9 credits away so why not. Next semester consists of a history class, archery, yoga, Italian, and an abnormal psychology class. The only challenging thing will be Italian but I'm pretty sure I can scrape by. There are a lot of emotions since I came from that meeting hours and hours and hours ago. Anxiety, panic, depression, happiness, doubt, relief. All rolled up into one human being. My parents still don't know. They don't even know I met with an advisor today. I'm going to give it a week, maybe even two before I tell them. I want to talk to my therapist and make sure I have my head straight. I know this was the right choice but I'm not sure what they'll see. I have a feeling my mom will be slightly disappointed but understand. My dad is another story. He pushes so hard and gets angry when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential. Chaos ensued when I transfered schools and majors for the first time. I can't imagine again. But when I complete my BA, I want to continue on to a MA, then maybe even a PhD one day - I have dreams. But the flame I used to have to guide me through the dark now feels like it's barely a flicker of embers.