10 Minutes

I finally found Leo. As I was getting ready for the day, I missed a call from a random number. I listened to the voicemail and it was Leo. Part of me was excited and happy that he was ok. But the other part of me sunk to the floor. He was in an inpatient psychiatric ward. Long story short, he gave consent to be taken in for treatment. They stripped him of everything he had, even clothing. He called me from a communal phone, and told me to call back later around 9pm. I got another missed call from him at work. On my lunch break I decided to call and eventually got through to someone who took a message for me. We finally got a hold of each other and hearing his voice gave me a sense of relief. What he's gone through there is terrible. Visiting hours are very limited, so seeing him is difficult around my work and school schedule. I'm debating whether or not I should tell my parents. I know he wants to keep it contained that he's there, but it would help if I could borrow one of my parents' cars to see him during the later visitation hours. I'm seeing him Wednesday, but only for a half hour between my classes. It'll be the first time I've seen him face to face since the summer. I just want to hug him and see his face to make sure he looks ok. Where he's being held is actually only a 10min car ride from my house, so it's easy to visit. It's just the restrictive hours that are the problem. He and I talked for an hour on the phone in 10min intervals. Each call can only last 10mins so he kept having to call me back. It's comforting to know he's safe. But it concerns me with how lonely it must be in there. He said he likes his roommate, but there are some real crazy people in there with him. I've shed a few tears since I spoke to Leo a few hours ago, but I'm trying to fight the depression and anxiety. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. I can count how many friends I have on my two hands. And that's including coworkers and my boyfriend. I don't trust many people. I don't let them get too close because I'm guarded. Leo is my best friend, and to know he's alone in an unfamiliar place with literal crazy people is breaking my heart.

MIA

The last few days have been both stressful and confusing. Leo seems to have dropped off the face of the earth with no warning. I've sent over a dozen texts, left voicemails, contacted both his sister and his roommate, and messaged him on every social media site. It's unlike him to disappear with no forewarning - and seemingly into thin air. I've been driving myself crazy trying to piece together what could have happened or where he is. He's been beyond depressed lately and I'm worried about his mental health. I have very few people in my life who I consider friends. And I've even go so far as to say he's one of my best friends (I have one male and one female of course). Part of me thinks it'll just be some stupid thing that came up and we can laugh about how psycho I'm being. But then the other part of me is worrying and thinking worst case scenario. I naturally have a lot of anxiety, so for someone I love and hold dear to go missing is disconcerting. It just doesn't feel right to me. It's been a full 2 1/2 days since I've heard from him, and it's driving me crazy. I'm checking emails, social media, texts, and calls constantly. Each time I see my phone flashing with a notification, I hope it's Leo. I just want him to be ok. I don't have a lot of friends. I can count them on one hand. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm praying I'm wrong and this isn't a bad situation. Leo - if you're reading this, just let me know you're alive.

Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows

The last week or so has put my life into perspective. I'm usually the one in my group who listens to your problems and gives advice, and I love it. I love helping my friends and seeing them happy. Leo has been working through some tough shit for a while, but the weight is just too heavy for one person to carry. I remember a point in my own life not too long ago where I felt like everything was pointless. I felt like a waste of space and I was good for nothing. Being a depressed and anxious perfectionist is very difficult. But then my life actually got better. I met new people, reconnected with old friends, and saw that life can be just as sweet as it is sour. A coworker of mine, Gurmeet, has also become a close friend. We spoke on the phone for over 3 1/2 a few days ago. We both cried and laughed and swapped stories from our lives. He came out to me as being gay. It meant the world to me that he trusted me with that. Prior to him telling me, he had never said it out loud before. He told me about his home life, specifically his mother. We just kept talking well into the night. We worked together yesterday and I brought him a little bag of chocolates. I've been making homemade chocolates with fun fillings, so I made him his own special ones. In return, he bought me lunch. We bust each other's balls at work, and bicker like a married couple. But when we actually sit down and talk, it's such a beautiful friendship. With that being said, my I sometimes take my life for granted. I've gone through some tough shit in my life. Shit that I would never wish on anyone. Memories and thoughts still haunt me time to time. But my life in the here and now is sunshine and unicorns compared to Leo and Gurmeet. I've hit a few rough patches recently, but we all do. When I think about how much my life sucks sometimes, I think about how others have it so much worse.

20 Signs...

I started back up at school and my life has been filled with the usual nonsense. The classes are easy, and even enjoyable. The only challenge is Italian II. I barely remember Italian I so it's been an interesting ride trying to figure it out all at once. Yoga has been nice, and relaxing. I can finally use my mat again, after almost a full year of collecting dust. Archery has been fun as well. I'm one of the few in my class that has shot before, and it's seen clearly in my target by the time I finish. History is boring, but I have Kristen to help get me through it. English is interesting. I'm taking an autobiography class. We have to write about our lives and experiences. At 21, I've been through more than a lot of adults can say. Seeing where the memoir papers lead me will be interesting.
Josh and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary next month. It seems like so long ago, but at the same time it feels like only a couple months at most. I read this article by Cosmo listing 20 signs you met your future husband. I read them and thought to myself that those 20 signs were completely true. Josh is perfect in every way. But I've been distant lately. The past couple weeks have been so weird. I love him completely to death, but it feels as if I'm loving him through a pane of glass. That's the best way I can think to describe it. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It isn't his fault, and I don't think it's mine. My past may play a part in some kind of attachment or commitment issues. I'm not really sure what it is. But I'm working to figure it out. I could spend days listing all of the reasons why Josh is perfect. I can also go on for days listing the reasons why I'm not perfect. And somewhere in that list is the answer as to why I feel this way. I think we all spent a part of our lives dreaming and creating this perfect mate. What color eyes they have, what exact color their skin will be, how long will their hair be, and what color? What kind of shows will they like, do they have pets, would they want kids, and how many? We secretly have this blueprint of our perfect soulmate in the back of our heads. I always figured I would settle for a great guy, but who was outside my plan. When I met Josh, the deal was done. He checked off everything I could have wanted in my future husband and more. He fit what I wanted, and what I needed in my life. So the question still remains: why am I trapped behind the pane of glass?