Space Cat

I've really been trying to get myself together. My depression is slowly eating at my soul. I find it hard to sleep and eat well. I usually eat salads and drink water often and skip snacking during the day. Recently, I haven't been doing what's healthy. My overall mood is low. Low energy, low happiness, low productivity, low everything. The only times I put on a front are at work and around my family. At work I'm always known as the happy one who bakes, wears quirky t-shirts and greets people by saying good morning at any time during the day just because it sounds happier. I train the new hires and take care of my customers. I have my work friends and we all laugh and have a good time. Work can actually relieve stress sometimes for me. Working with the right people just keeps you in a positive head space. I know that at work, there's nothing else I have to focus on. My attention is purely on my job and that's it. It's like a mental vacation sometimes. I forget about due dates and finals and chores and homework and responsibilities. I'm good at my job and it makes me genuinely happy when I see my customers satisfied. We got a group of about 6 or 7 mentally slow people come by the store with 2 care takers. The woman I ended up with was obviously not all there mentally but she and I had an in-depth conversation about The Golden Girls (one of my favorite shows). I could see that she appreciated someone talking to her and genuinely caring. It's moments like that that make me smile. But as soon as I come back into the reality of my life, it sucks. Everything seems bland and boring and I have no interest.
Josh has been bearing a lot of the weight with me being like this too. I wish it were as easy to get rid of depression as it is to get it. He's really been patient through it all. I love him immensely and I'm thankful he's with me. I just have no romantic motivation. Conversations are boring (not just with him) and I feel out of it. Some days are better than others, but others are worse. I feel tired all the time but can't sleep when it comes down to it. I feel like I'm riding blind on a horse. I can't see where the fuck it's going and I have no control; I'm just along for the ride. Just gotta hold on and hope I don't fall off.

Because That's My Life

I wrote an entire essay that I was proud of on here. I voiced my feelings and felt good about it. Then I accidently closed out the app without saving. So. Long story short - I feel like a failure, but my therapist insists I'm not. Still feel like shit. I compare myself to others because I'm extremely self critical. The end.

North Wind

Depression has snuck up on me once again. Putting on a brave face for my family or at school or work is second nature at this point. But my energy feels totally depleted. Every morning I wake up and already can't wait to be back home. My willingness to put effort into my classes is dwindling as well. I'm either sleeping, day dreaming, or taking half-assed notes to look productive. I lay awake at night just thinking and not sleeping. I've always been more of a night owl, but it's getting a bit out of hand. It's 2:30am and I just got into bed. I don't know where the time goes. I just enjoy it when everyone is in bed. No one is asking questions or telling me to do something or just in general being annoying. I enjoy my time alone. I'm definitely an introvert so after a long day at school, all I want is to silently play Zelda in my pajamas with no one talking to me. I'm finding it even difficult to text lately. I just get so caught up in my own thoughts or things I'm doing that I just totally forget conversations and the people I'm talking to. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I really wouldn't mind living with it like I had during high school, but it isn't just affecting me. Josh is concerned and I never want him thinking it has to do with him or something he did. It's who I am. I'm prone to depression and anxiety in certain situations. If I could change it, I definitely would. I hate being like this.
Today in history, we were talking about Russia in the early 1900s. I was actually somewhat paying attention in class and while I was half daydreaming, I heard the name Trotsky. That's how I have Leo saved in my phone. I can't remember how the name came about, but for whatever reason his contact name has been Trotsky for years. So when I heard the name, I snapped out of my daze and paid attention. We learned about the revolutions and Bolsheviks and touched on Marxism. It was actually somewhat interesting. That being said, of course Leo crept into my mind more so than usual today. I try not to linger on him because it hurts. I don't take loss well so I just don't confront the emotion. That's my coping mechanism. I still wonder how he's doing on a daily basis and of course I don't have answers. At this point, I'm losing hope that he'll heal enough to bring me back into his life. All in all, there are several elements to this depression I'm feeling. I wish it were as easy to deal with as some people think - "Stay positive" "Think happy thoughts" "Just try smiling" "Get over it" "Stop being dramatic". I know there are people that have it much worse than I do, but my heart is still aching. It's like trying to fix a hole in your boat with duct tape and play-doh. Yea it might hold for a little bit but that shit is fragile and can give in at any moment. It looks sturdy from the outside, but under the surface it's taking on water.