North Wind

Depression has snuck up on me once again. Putting on a brave face for my family or at school or work is second nature at this point. But my energy feels totally depleted. Every morning I wake up and already can't wait to be back home. My willingness to put effort into my classes is dwindling as well. I'm either sleeping, day dreaming, or taking half-assed notes to look productive. I lay awake at night just thinking and not sleeping. I've always been more of a night owl, but it's getting a bit out of hand. It's 2:30am and I just got into bed. I don't know where the time goes. I just enjoy it when everyone is in bed. No one is asking questions or telling me to do something or just in general being annoying. I enjoy my time alone. I'm definitely an introvert so after a long day at school, all I want is to silently play Zelda in my pajamas with no one talking to me. I'm finding it even difficult to text lately. I just get so caught up in my own thoughts or things I'm doing that I just totally forget conversations and the people I'm talking to. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I really wouldn't mind living with it like I had during high school, but it isn't just affecting me. Josh is concerned and I never want him thinking it has to do with him or something he did. It's who I am. I'm prone to depression and anxiety in certain situations. If I could change it, I definitely would. I hate being like this.
Today in history, we were talking about Russia in the early 1900s. I was actually somewhat paying attention in class and while I was half daydreaming, I heard the name Trotsky. That's how I have Leo saved in my phone. I can't remember how the name came about, but for whatever reason his contact name has been Trotsky for years. So when I heard the name, I snapped out of my daze and paid attention. We learned about the revolutions and Bolsheviks and touched on Marxism. It was actually somewhat interesting. That being said, of course Leo crept into my mind more so than usual today. I try not to linger on him because it hurts. I don't take loss well so I just don't confront the emotion. That's my coping mechanism. I still wonder how he's doing on a daily basis and of course I don't have answers. At this point, I'm losing hope that he'll heal enough to bring me back into his life. All in all, there are several elements to this depression I'm feeling. I wish it were as easy to deal with as some people think - "Stay positive" "Think happy thoughts" "Just try smiling" "Get over it" "Stop being dramatic". I know there are people that have it much worse than I do, but my heart is still aching. It's like trying to fix a hole in your boat with duct tape and play-doh. Yea it might hold for a little bit but that shit is fragile and can give in at any moment. It looks sturdy from the outside, but under the surface it's taking on water.