Don't Fare Well

I'm trying to think of something to say. I feel like writing but I don't feel as if I have much to write about. My emotions have been a bit weird. I feel emotionally switched off at times, but then I'll be fine a little while later. Expression has never been my strong suit. I wish I knew how to express feelings the right way. It's such a basic, almost infantile, skill. Yet I don't have it. Josh is having an article written about him in a paper, and so he provided them with my phone number to do an interview for the article. The interviewer asked many questions. They ranged from basics like how we met to questions a little more in depth. I was asked "how would [I] describe Josh?". I had to catch myself from talking too much about his good qualities. I really do love him. He's so patient with me. I told her many times over the course of the interview that he's not just my boyfriend, but my partner. We support each other and are always there to help if the other person needs it. I've been dealing with a lot of emotions lately, and I'm unsure as to why. All I know is that I wouldn't be where I am right now without Josh. He's perfect. Even writing this right now I'm tearing up. I'm not emotional but something about that interview brought these feelings back up for me. I think I had lost sight of my own feelings for Josh. In trying to suppress my depression and anxiety, I forgot about my rock. I'm lucky to have someone like him by my side. It's easy to fall into the monotony of your life. You forget what life really is. You forget what love really is. You forget who you are. Being asked those kinds of questions about Josh made me think. We both haven't felt great today and I've been busy so I haven't spoken to him about it yet. I don't know how to get out of the metaphorical hole I've been trapped in. But I'm trying. I'm coming to terms with my past and trying to lay it all to rest.
I drove home late tonight. I decided to go an alternate way home and pass JP's house. I slowed down, I stopped, I took several moments, I looked, I turned up the volume, I listened, I observed, and I saw. It was familiar. I knew what was beyond those windows and walls. I knew who was there. I wondered if anything had changed. I wondered if she realized who he was yet. I wondered if she would ever get fed up like I did. I had to go. I pulled away and continued my drive home. Past the familiar buildings and where his kids went to school. Past where we met. It's sad how places that once meant so much to you now become stale and distant memories. I checked my rearview to see if he had seen me and followed where I was going. The roads were empty and it was a smooth ride. I listened to music and tried to drown it all out. By the time I got home, all of the little kids in costumes were long gone. The streets that once crawled with little ones in disguises was now desolate and void of any Halloween celebration. It was past their bedtimes. It was past my bedtime. I showered, crawled into my warm bed and began to write this. I guess I'm learning how to express little by little.