Jack Herer

I should be sleeping right now, but for some reason I feel like writing. Plus, I promised myself I'd put effort into keeping this updated. Since the last posting, I had my first round of imaging done on my uterus. I got the results back today and I'm completely clean. The doctor said it was most likely nothing to worry about, and that it's too small to even be of concern. Still, my doctor recommended getting genetic testing to figure out what exactly I'm at risk for when it comes to diseases or cancers. While I have a vague idea, genetic testing can't hurt. Since I've last updated, there has also been another development with my health. During a follow-up exam, one of my doctors told me there is also a sizable nodule on my liver. I was ordered to get an MRI to see more clearly what mystery mass #2 really is. The MRI is scheduled for this Friday. I told Seth about it, and he wanted to come with me since I told him I'd most likely be alone. My mom doesn't view this entire health fiasco as being a big deal, and I'm sure she'd tell my dad to stop being dramatic if he insisted on going. I've gotten a couple of MRIs before, so I'm not nervous. But I'll never turn down a chance to hang out with Seth and have some company. MRIs take a long time, and the company is definitely appreciated.
Things have been going well overall with Seth too. We've been going out on small "dates" of sorts to lunches or dinners, and having our fun risky hookups in various places around campus. We cause a lot of trouble for just being 2 people. I feel as if I've found a companion in him. Not a boyfriend or anything, but kind of deeper on an emotional level. He and I have a lot of mutual thoughts and anxieties, and we both work to help each other. He always seems to do a majority of the helping, though.
As a small side note, I've also been depressed recently. I think a lot of it is the health issues, but it is also stress having to do with graduate school and school in general. It's been difficult for me to concentrate or do the things I need to do. I find it hard to sleep sometimes, or when I do, it's a mixture of very weird or very sad dreams. I'm not sure if that means something, but I'm attributing it to the wave of depression that's crashing on my head right now. I'll find a way out of my depression - I always do. It's just a matter of how long it'll take. In the mean time, I'll keep getting stoned every night before bed to forget my life for a while.

BFWB

Today Seth and I hung out unexpectedly. He was supposed to head home early to study for an exam he has tomorrow, but he wanted to stay around because he missed me. We spend at least a few hours together every day when we're on campus and we text incessantly. Yet, we still miss each other when we aren't physically together. Our dynamic is a unique one. Trying to explain what we have and what we are to people is next to impossible. We're very close friends, but we're also incredible lovers. One of Seth's greatest qualities is his caring nature. He's been so worried about me since my sickness started, and has been asking me multiple times a day how I feel and how I'm doing, and if I'm taking my antibiotics on time. We were hanging out just a few hours ago before he left. We were walking around and talking and laughing, and it was sweet. It's chilly fall weather, but not quite cold enough to bundle all the way up. We stopped under a tree as we were walking, and he pulled me close. He gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I said it in return, and we continued to embrace. Eventually we separated and decided to part ways. We shared one final kiss under a shedding tree with acorns falling all around us. I walked in the direction of my class, and he towards his bus. I walked to my class with a smile on my face, and a warm feeling in my heart.
Seth and I have discussed dating, but it isn't in the cards for either of us. I'm actually very happy being single. I'm learning not to need validation from others to give myself value. Of course I would like to have a boyfriend at some point in time, but I am happy right now. I never thought I would be able to say that while still single. Seth is encouraging me to get out there and flirt with other guys and enjoy my youth. While it is scary, I know that growth can sometimes be uncomfortable. I enjoy my time with Seth, and we both love and value each other deeply. However, I know that I can't rely on him forever. For now, he is my security blanket. He makes me happy and feel comfortable. Holding his hand makes me feel more secure and grounded, and just texting him eases my anxiety when I'm stressed. I never thought that I would have a relationship like this with someone. It's like best friend with benefits, and I love it. I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Looking back, it's very stupid and high school-ish. I'm basically just gushing over a boy, but he is one hell of a boy.

When It Rains

I really suck at staying up to date with these it seems. I'd make the excuse of being busy, but I'm really not. I'm only taking 13 credits of bullshit classes. While I do work 2 jobs as well, it's never too difficult to balance all in all.
A few days after my last post, Seth and I were able to arrange a sleepover. It took a lot of planning and careful maneuvering, but we made it happen. Seth got us a nice hotel room in the city right off Central Park, all the up on the 16th floor. We were up enough where all the people down below looked like ants, and we could walk around naked with the windows open not worrying about anyone seeing us. We had copious amounts of sex, but we also hung out a lot and bonded. We watched one of my favorite animated movies while cuddling up naked next to each other. We talked and laughed and enjoyed just being together. He took me out to dinner on the Upper West Side to a nice Italian place. It was an intimate dinner with some deep conversation and good food. We walked along Central Park holding hands and talking about life and sharing stories of times gone by. We got back to the hotel and decided to shower together. I was very nervous for this because showering with someone is scary for me. I had a bad experience prior to Josh, and it's followed me to this day. Seth tried to make me comfortable and bought a rubber duck from a gift shop around the corner. He did everything in his power to make me more comfortable and at ease. It was an overall enjoyable experience, but still a little uncomfortable at times. We finished the night off by eating junk food on the bed while watching American Dad and Family Guy reruns till 4am. We had sex one last time, then decided to go to sleep. I put on his tshirt and we snuggled until the morning. It was surreal waking up next to him. I was awake before he was, and I watched him sleep for a little while. He looked so peaceful and almost angelic as he slept, as most people do. Seth is a very outspoken person with many opinions and tons of sarcasm. He's the kind of person that can easily rub someone the wrong way. There were no sarcastic remarks or loud belly laughs or anything that made Seth himself. He was quietly laying next to me with a faint smile on his face while I thought about all the things that happened the night before. I fell back asleep only to have him frantically waking me up 10 minutes before our checkout time. We had both slept through an alarm to wake us up so we could pack our things before leaving. In a whirlwind, we packed our belongings and got dressed just in time to make it to check out only a couple of minutes late. As we parted ways a little while later, it dawned on me that I would be seeing Seth yet again the next day. I couldn't help but think about how amazing it is to have someone like him so close and so involved in my life.
That night, I began to have excruciating pain. I knew the pain all too well. It was a UTI. The last time I had one, I ended up in the hospital for nearly a week. Seth insisted on coming with me to a doctor to make sure I was ok, and that my nerves were settled. It was very sweet of him to do so. I got my antibiotics and the world was good yet again. The pain eventually subsided, and I finished my course of antibiotics the following week. The day after finishing, I went out with a friend to the East Village. I'm not used to having freedom in any regard, so for my parents to be ok with me venturing into the city late at night was confusing, but welcomed. The night was fun, and we enjoyed ourselves. It was a group of 5 of us. I took a shot of vodka with 2 of the guys, and smoked a lot of weed. I ended up at a gay bar, and it was very fun. Now that I'm single, the prospect of being with a female is totally realistic. I think.

Now on to the more serious matter at hand. I began writing this post last week before my life took a kind of serious turn, so the first portion of this post was much more light hearted than what I'm about to write.
Over the last few weeks (shortly after Seth and I had our sleepover), things started to go south. I got the UTI as stated earlier, but it got worse. I began to get cramps and feel a vague pain in my stomach. Then last week food started to cause me pain, so I stopped eating. I lost 12lbs over the course of 2 weeks from not eating. However, the pain wouldn't stop just because I stopped eating. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and neither could anyone around me. We all had theories and ideas, but I avoided a doctor. The last time I saw a doctor for a somewhat serious medical issue, I ended up in the hospital. I tried to fix the problem myself, but nothing worked. On Monday the pain got too intense for me to handle, so I made a last minute appointment with my general doctor. I saw him on Tuesday and he told me that I needed to get to the emergency room to receive further testing and imaging. He was afraid that there was something wrong with my pancreas, or that I had ovarian cysts. So Tuesday night I spent 7hrs in the emergency room getting IV fluids, a CT scan, and a full blood and urine panel. I was praying that they would let me go home, but I was also hoping they would find something. I wanted answers as to why I was in so much pain and why I couldn't eat. The CT showed I had inflammation in my large intestine, but did not reveal why. I was told to see a specialist within 48hrs to receive further specialized care. I was eventually discharged and told to drink Gatorade to keep my electrolyte and glucose levels stable since I wasn't eating. The next day I spent most of my morning hunting down a specialist that could see me as soon as possible. Seth gave me the number of a doctor's office near his house, and they had an opening. So that brings us to today. I had my first ever assessment at the lab at 9am. I've observed plenty of assessments, but this was my first time being a part of one. I should have been so excited and happy, but I couldn't help but be nervous and anxious about my appointment later in the day. The time finally came for my appointment, and the doctor brought me into his office. He told me that the CT showed there was a mass in my uterus. He saw my extensive family history of cancer, and insisted I get the mass looked at by my OBGYN as soon as possible. He continued with my exam and told me that the inflammation could be caused by an imbalance of bacteria in my intestines. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I'm going for a follow up appointment in 2 weeks to see how I'm progressing, and if I'll require a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy. For now, the mass in my uterus is at the forefront of my mind. I don't know what it is or how long it's been there. I was able to get an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow morning, so I'm counting down the minutes until I see my doctor and get an answer as to what the mass is, and if it needs to be treated. Whatever the mass is, it isn't related to my other problem. It was caught on the CT purely by chance. The next 14hrs can't pass fast enough.