The Eve

There have been a lot of developments since the last posting. But I'm going to write this post about the most important, in my opinion. A few days ago my mother invited Seth to spend Christmas Eve with us. My parents still hadn't met him, and I guess she figured it would be a good time. Not only would my parents and brother be there, but also my aunt and male cousins. I was hesitant because I wasn't sure what to expect. When I brought it up to Seth, he seemed excited about it. He officially accepted the offer and the plan was put into motion. Christmas Eve rolled around and after doing some last minute cleaning I set out to pick Seth up. I drove about 20 minutes to his house and he insisted I come inside. I followed his instructions and I was greeted by his family. His mother made fresh cookies for him to bring my family, and his sister gave me a cool camel bone pocket knife as a small Christmas gift. I hugged them and pet the dogs quickly before leaving with Seth. We talked on the way to my house and both expressed our nerves. I parked in the driveway and just as I opened the door to my house I turned to Seth and gave him a kiss. We walked inside and the socializing began. Seth spent about 5 hours with my family. We all talked and laughed and ate and laughed some more. When it came time to exchange presents, Seth stood and watched us open our new sets of pajamas each year. People were socializing and enjoying their gifts, and I looked up at Seth. He and I shared a very special moment by simply looking at each other. He said it felt like an emotional kiss between us without it physically happening. We just looked into each other's eyes and it was just us for a moment. There were people talking and gifts being opened, but in that moment it was just he and I. The loving look in his eyes made me feel warm inside. While he can sometimes look hostile or angry on the outside, he is an incredible man on the inside. I can say without a doubt that I truly do love him and want him in my life for a very long time to come.
Once my aunt and cousins left to go home, Seth and I followed shortly thereafter. He said he liked my family and thought they were sweet, but was skeptical if they were truly being kind or just putting up a front so they could assess him. I couldn't speak to what they were doing. Seth and I got handsy on the drive to his place and we fooled around in the car. Once I dropped him at his place we both got out of the car to hug. It will be a week until I see him again. We hugged and kissed and hugged some more. Eventually I had to detach myself and head home. I gave him one final kiss and then departed for the drive home. The entire way home I was thinking about how it went and smiling to myself. I got into a minor accident on the way, but nothing too major. I finally got home and asked everyone what they thought. They all seemed to come to the same vague consensus of liking him, but not providing much detail.
Next week I'm going to be spending New Year's Eve/New Year's at his house with his family. He and I will not have much time together from this point on since we will both have jobs and things to do. We both want to savor every moment we have together. It is a beautiful thing what we have, and I intend on making it last for a very long while to come.

Continental

It was finally the end of the semester. Seth and I both finished our last day of our last semester of our undergraduate careers. We went out for our usual date night once a week, but we switched it up. He decided to surprise me with a new place we hadn't gone to before. It was in the same neighborhood where my grandmother used to live before she died many years ago. I spent a lot of time in that neighborhood during my childhood. We found the restaurant and it was much nicer than the places we usually choose. He and I ordered drinks and talked for a while. We ate good food and had good conversation. I looked up at him at one point as he was eating. He had a slight smile on his face while he took a sip from his drink, and looked at me. His smile got bigger and we just stared at each other for a moment. He looked so handsome sitting there. He wore a button up and the jeans he knew I liked, and made an attempt to make his hair not as messy. The restuarant was dim, but there were string lights next to our table that cast a very pleasing light onto Seth's face. As we talked, I couldn't help but think how much I would miss those moments. I'm going to miss seeing the sparkle in his eye when our food gets to the table, and his small rants about various happenings in the world as I just sit there lovingly watching as he grows increasingly more enthusiastic as his rant continues on.
I was on my third drink, and I decided to excuse myself to the bathroom. I closed the door and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were teary, and my throat felt tight. I could feel the sadness washing over me, but I couldn't wallow for too long. I recovered my senses and returned to Seth. He told me we'd go to a bakery around the corner for dessert, and that made me happy. We ate our cake slices and talked and laughed some more. I kept looking over Seth's shoulder to see my grandmother's apartment building. I began to think how long ago my childhood really was. I'm turning 23 soon. I remember in that very apartment when I turned 10, my grandmother expressed to me how happy she was that I finally got to the double digits in age. I felt like I was really growing up. Little did I know that at a bakery down the street 13 years later I would be sitting with my lover discussing my life's failures and regrets. I wish I was 10 again. Back when I didn't have many problems yet. Life was still relatively simple. But as you grow older, you begin to see how messy and complicated life can truly be.

Unfavorable Qualities

So much for keeping this updated. I've been going through a bad depressive swing, so I'm not all here mentally. I realized that I never wrote what happened with my medical issues. After the final round of imaging, everything came back clean. The masses were nothing to be worried about. I was relieved that I could finally start to live my life again after almost 2 months of being sick. Seth has been nothing but wonderful, per usual. For the last round of imaging he came with me. He even filled out special paperwork so he could be in the room with me as I got the MRI. He sat right outside the machine by my feet and kept a hand on my right foot. He would rub it and play with my toes every once in a while to remind me that he was still there. He does so many little things just to make me happy. He surprises me with food he knows I love, he moves around various appointments if he sees I want to hang out for longer, and most recently he bought me a pair of boots yesterday.
A few days ago I got my graduate school decision via email. Seth and I were in the library together about to get a private study room so we could watch a movie together. I glanced at my phone and gasped, and he asked if the decision was in. I nodded yes and he told me to wait till we got set up in our room to open it. I could barely breathe the entire time we walked to the room and I unpacked my things. I opened my laptop and checked the email. I was rerouted to another website, and it told me to click a link to see my decision. I sat there for a solid 10 minutes venting to Seth about what will happen if I don't get in, and how I was too anxious to click it. Eventually he talked me into doing it, and I read the decision. As soon as I read "We regret...", I sat back in my chair and Seth hugged me. He said he was sorry, but I shouldn't let one rejection get me down. We talked for a little while about what it meant for my future, and what I needed to do from there. He left the room to get water, and I opened the rejection again. I read it numerous times in detail to try and see where it all went wrong. The only comment the department left on the rejection was that all slots were full for that semester. It was vague, and didn't give me any suggested areas to improve upon. Once he returned, Seth and I settled in for our movie (Christmas Story, as Seth had never seen it before). We laughed and talked, and I think he enjoyed it more than he's willing to admit.
I usually prefer to go in sequential order, but I want to end this post on a positive note. On Tuesday (before the rejection), I met Seth's family. He and I grabbed dinner, watched a terrible rendition of Little Shop of Horrors at our school, then I drove him home. I was nervous to meet his family, but it had to be done. I met his dad first, then his mom, the dogs, and finally his sister. We all sat gathered in the living room and talked for about 2 hours. I read his mother's psychology dissertation and was fascinated. She and I spoke about research logistics and other various components of psychology. I played with the three dogs all while carrying on conversation. The smallest of the dogs (a pug mix) came right over to me and plopped her head onto my lap as soon as I sat down. None of them had ever seen her be that comfortable with someone so quickly. Eventually after talking in the living room, Seth showed me his room. He had mountains of books, all meticulously kept in alphabetical order by author's last name. He's a very smart person, and so are his parents. He and his sister weren't allowed to watch TV growing up, so they spent much of their time reading, tracing maps, and watching old black and white movies. After laying on his bed and talking for a while, it was time for me to depart. Time always flies when Seth and I are together. I want very badly to go back to his house and see his family again. It felt so good to be brought into his personal life. Apparently he talks about me fairly often to his family, so they knew of me well before I came by their house. They even invited me over for Thanksgiving prior to meeting me because Seth speaks so highly of me.
It seems like the perfect situation to start to fall in love and start a relationship, doesn't it? I've met his family and they genuinely like me. He and I talk incessantly, and get lonely when the other person doesn't/can't respond. We see each other numerous times a week multiple times a day and never get bored. He treats me so well, and loves me deeply. However, loving someone and being in love are different. I'm not in love, and neither is he. It doesn't make sense as to why I'm not head over heels for him, but I'm trying not to pick at it too much. It works for us, and I don't want to ruin that with overthinking.