Hej Hej

I keep saying this, but so much can change in such sort periods of time. I finished my medical quarantine last week and it feels amazing to get out of my house. However, things are limited as to what you can or where you can go because of the virus. It's gotten to the point of supermarkets rationing things like eggs, toilet paper, and even cat food. It feels great to get out of my house for a bit to do grocery shopping or general errands. I'm still wearing a mask whenever I leave the house, and my mom is trying to convince me to wear gloves while shopping. I think gloves are a bit pointless and wasteful, but I guess it makes some people feel better. This city-wide quarantine needs to be over already. I know it's for the best but so many people are going crazy, including myself. I'm used to working four jobs and now I barely work one. I went into a bit of a depression because I've lost my crutch. I usually work all the time to avoid thinking or really feeling anything deep. I don't like thinking about certain things and would rather focus all of my energy on work. I use weed every night to help me relax at night and get to sleep a little easier because I tend to be more anxious at night.

I got news today that for some reason made my anxiety worse. I got an email today from my second choice graduate school and I got accepted. I haven't told my parents yet, but I plan to tomorrow. I'm still waiting to hear from my first choice but either way I'm going to be a graduate student. All of my friends are extremely happy for me and say I deserve it because I work so hard. While I agree with them in some respects, I don't think I work terribly hard. I work up to 15hrs a day but not all of it is difficult. At the lab a lot of my job is training people. So I pretty much sit there eating my bagel and drinking my coffee while explaining things or walking them through certain tasks. That isn't very strenuous work but it does get exhausting after doing it so often for so long. I know I've been through hell and back, though, and I do deserve a shot at accomplishing my dreams. I've always wanted an advanced degree, and now that's something I can be proud of working towards. I didn't walk for my undergraduate college graduation because I find it dumb to celebrate something that is an expectation. I've always been expected to go to college, so why would I pretend I'm special for two minutes walking across a stage with hundreds of other people? I'd rather be sleeping, hanging out with my friends, eating, or watching trashy TV. However, I will most definitely walk for my graduate degree. This is something I've always dreamt about and now I can make it a reality. My end goal is a PhD, but a Master's Degree is a great starting point. A new future is ahead, and I'm ready for whatever it brings me.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

- Winston Churchill

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals"

- Zig Ziglar

"When you've got a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go"

- Carol Burnett

COVID-19

Of course COVID is on everyone's minds, so I may as well talk about it too. Cases are exploding in the city with no end in sight. My parents are both compromised in more ways than one, so if one of them gets it it would be an actual problem. Unfortunately, I'm showing symptoms and have been placed in a mandatory 2 week quarantine. I'm able to walk amongst humanity next Wednesday, but until then I'm stuck doing nothing. Both of my lab jobs have closed in-person lab work and are moving to exclusively online. By way of my full time analytics job it's a bit more complicated. The entire office is in the process of transitioning to remote work, but not everyone is equipped for it - me included. I've lost out on 3 days worth of pay so far and that looks as if it will continue until someone gets back to me about working from home. Frankly, it's bullshit that people are losing out on money because of something that's out of their control. The new bill being proposed would make small businesses under 500 employees mandatorily pay 2 weeks sick leave for employees who qualify. The company I work for is much bigger than 500 employees so we have no promise of being paid for time out of work. I wouldn't mind working from home, and I would actually prefer it right now to give me something to do . However, I have yet to be contacted for setting up our remote systems.

This entire situation has me baffled. For most people (including myself) it brings up thoughts of a chaotically cinematic zombie movie. The mystery virus starts taking over the world and the death tolls rise as humanity falls. I know it won't get to those levels of extreme, but it's still disconcerting nonetheless. It's only been a few weeks since I last posted and it feels like a lifetime. Nothing feels truly normal anymore. Grocery store shelves are empty, people are (literally) fighting over toilet paper, hand sanitizer is a commodity, and communities are slowly being quarantined one by one.

I miss looking at the cat washi tape around my monitor at work. I miss talking to my coworkers about stupid shit we heard that day. I miss being at the lab training new research assistants and doing cool things. I miss driving home at 10pm cruising at 70mph all the way home bobbing and/or singing along to music. I miss seeing Seth. I miss not having to worry about infecting my parents with a potentially deadly virus. Everything needs to go back to normal again. I know it will, but how long do we have to live in a constant state of paranoia and panic-buying?

I Do It

I feel like I haven't written an in-depth post in a while. I honestly don't even know where to begin. My graduate school applications are all finalized and submitted, which feels both amazing and incredibly nerve wracking. In addition to my applications being finalized I finally got the opportunity to go to the hospital where I'm now working out of and play with biological samples. It was an extremely bloody process to collect the samples but I loved it. I did a majority of the cutting and sampling since the other person I was there with didn't like blood. It was an incredible experience seeing and then executing the process myself. Since we are dealing with blood we get suited up in big biohazard suits, hair covers, goggles, gloves, and face masks. Given the situation right now with the spread of Coronavirus we have to extra careful when dealing with bodily fluids. Unfortunately I slipped up while changing gloves and got foreign blood on my bare skin. I don't think anything will happen as a result, but it was a good reminder of how careful we have to be. Overall, it was an amazing experience. In a few weeks I have my first on-call weekend, which means I have to be ready to run to the hospital at any time to collect samples from someone. The hospital-based study that I'm a part of is mainly focused on pregnant women and their newborn children. Our job is to collect placental samples along with various other fluids including blood, saliva, and urine. It's a very bio-based lab and I'm loving it a lot thus far. I'm still very much involved in my first neuropsychology lab and I put in two days a week to work on those things. For a while I was part of a coding team, but now I'm mainly focused on training newer research assistants and keeping tabs on other people's work. I carry a title there as being a part of management, but very minimally. Between the two labs there is a lot of possibility for a publication with my name on it. While it sucks that these lab jobs are unpaid, the experience is well worth it to me.
On the personal side of life it's been a little difficult the last month or so. A coworker of mine from my full time analytics job has been hitting on me non-stop. Let's call him Khan since that's a pretty common last name. Khan and I were supposed to go out to drinks last weekend but he bailed on me and instead invited me over to his place. I know exactly what he wants, and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I find him very attractive, but I know he's a player and it makes me uneasy. Seth has been kept in the loop with all of the happens and developments of this and he feels the same way. I know he can be a little possessive, but I think his instincts are accurate when it comes to Khan. I'd be lying if I said I haven't flirted back, but coworkers are generally off limits. We'll see what happens with it, but for now I'm keeping it flirty and noncommittal.
When it comes to Seth, not much has changed. We see each other multiple times a week, and I usually go over to his house every Monday morning. We sleep together for the first couple hours, then sometimes watch a movie. Our favorite thing to do recently is to watch Twilight Zone together. Last week I was in his bed sleeping and I partially woke up when I felt him pulling me closer. He didn't realize that I was semi-conscious and I heard him whisper how much he loved me. Something about that moment was so sweet. I know he loves me, and I know we're close in a lot of ways. But hearing him say that without saying it directly to me made me smile. I quickly fell back asleep, but I think about that moment at least a couple times a day. When in public he's a man's man who drinks whiskey and smokes cigars, and has no problem being crass and speaking his mind. But with me he's soft and sends me sweet texts and pictures. It's funny how much people change behind closed doors. I know I can be the same way. I'm sure a lot of people are. It makes me think about who people are when they're not "on". At work I'm focused and do my work and put up a somewhat professional front. I get accolades for my work ethic and overall contributions. But when I'm home I'm a cat lady who likes to get high and watch crafting videos. Who are you when no one is watching?