There's a lot to go over. I've been gone for a while, but there have been multiple good reasons for this. I don't even know where to start which is why I've been quiet on here. It feels like everything is happening all at once and I don't know how I'm still going somewhat strong. It's been a challenge not to allow myself to get too depressed or anxious about things, but I think I'm doing as well as I can be. I guess I'll do this post in somewhat chronological order of events to keep it from being too disorganized.
I'll start off by explaining some stuff from my last post. I mentioned how Michael and I hadn't spoken in a while and how I felt ghosted. I was essentially put on the back burner and for an entire month was left in the dark by way of what was going on. When we eventually met up again at our go-to pool bar he explained that he got overwhelmed by our relationship and felt like he had to end it before it got out of hand. He told me he still wants a relationship but doesn't have the time to commit given he's gotten a new job that requires a lot of hours and weird work days. While he still wants a relationship, he insists he doesn't want me being chained down by him if I meet someone else. He told me I could do much better than him, and honestly I agreed. However, just because I know I could do better doesn't mean I don't want him. We spent a lot of time talking and playing pool and sorting things out, but ultimately the relationship is over. We went back to his place and I gathered my things. It made me feel sad and emotional as I was clearing drawers and taking things from the closet. I wanted it to work so badly and it just didn't. It was no fault of my own and I tried my best to make him happy, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. We still talk a few times a week and agreed that we aren't against hanging out again or gaming together, but I feel so disconnected from him. For now I'm not putting any faith in a future relationship with him, but deep down I do still want it to work.
A couple months ago right before my cousin's wedding we found out her mom (my aunt) was in hospice and didn't have much time left. My parents flew out to be with her and I was left to live in my house completely alone for a week and a half. I only had ~15 hours notice between me finding out and them leaving. It was a whirlwind of chaos. I was never very close to my aunt, especially once my cousin went away to college and we stopped visiting. She was my godmother, but I hadn't seen or heard from her in many years. Part of me wanted to go be with her and my parents and all, but I had work and school and someone had to stay home to take care of the house and animals. It was nice the first couple days of being by myself, but then the loneliness kicked in. I'd come home from work to a totally empty and quiet house, scrounge for some food, and eat by myself while binging Parks and Recreation. It was lonely waking up and going to sleep in a house that's meant for four but is only inhabited by one. I'd get updates and phone calls daily from my parents about what was going on and how my aunt was doing. It was difficult to go to work knowing she was suffering and there wasn't anything anyone could do. Eventually after about a week of my parents being there she finally passed. To my understanding she was very uncomfortable and in pain towards the end, so I'm glad she was able to pass in peace. She requested there be no service, funeral, or memorial for her after her passing, so she was sent to be cremated and that was the end of it. She died 3 days after her daughter's wedding, but I'm glad she made it long enough to watch the live-stream and see her get married. It made me sad not to be there, but I told my mom to pass along how much I loved her despite the space between us for so many years. I wish things could have been different but my mom's side of the family has always been sort of estranged. It sucks, but I'm grateful for the family I have left and ultimately all of the memories I do have of her.
Anyway, I'll sprinkle in some good news after that - I finally was able to build my own baby PC. I've wanted a gaming computer for a few years now but never had the money nor space for it to happen. A couple months ago I was able to get my hands on a Steam Deck. I was then able to turn the Deck into my main PC component. It serves as basically a handheld PC and given the right peripherals can be turned into a basic gaming PC. I got all of the moving pieces together, bought myself a desk and gaming chair, then hooked everything up. I'm absolutely in love with it. The only piece I'm not totally satisfied with is the graphics quality of my monitor, but that's an easy upgrade if I decide to return my current one. I'm actually writing this out on said PC. I got a green switch keyboard and gaming mouse with RGB capabilities and it's absolutely beautiful.
Speaking of typing, it's going to be difficult for me in the foreseeable future to type properly on a keyboard. Earlier this week I had an accident with scissors at work. It could have been much worse, but it appears as if I severed a few nerves in my finger as well as a small artery that runs through your fingers. There was more blood than I've ever seen come out of me before. Luckily I don't get panicked or freaked out by much so I was calm through the whole ordeal, but it's definitely a bit of an inconvenience. I'm grateful it's on my non-dominant hand, but it's still very annoying navigating my daily life with essentially half of a left hand. I'm keeping it wrapped up and changing the dressing myself every day so hopefully it'll heal nicely. If not, I might have some permanent nerve damage. I know of two other people with similar injuries and both of them have complete loss of sensation in their finger tips above where the injury happened. I'm afraid mine is going to be the same. I'm experiencing a good amount of pain and numbness in the top half of my finger so we'll see what ends up happening. It sounds like it's gonna take up to a month to fully assess whether there's permanent nerve damage or not, so wish me luck.
Finally let's get to the main event that's been rocking my world. As previously mentioned in my last post, my dad has been having some noticeable physical issues. After an immense amount of testing and doctor's visits and new medication we were able to bring his diagnosis down to one of two categories. He either has Parkinson's or a Parkinsonian-like condition. The next couple weeks are going to determine which path we'll go down and what our future is going to look like. Oddly enough we're all rooting for Parkinson's since that's the best outcome at this point. I'm not going to go into this too much right now because it's still a very sensitive subject, but I had to at least give mention of it considering how stressed out it has all of us.
I suppose that's the end of this post. I debated abandoning this blog since I feel like I never post anymore, but I realized how important this is to me. My memory is a genuine problem I've been struggling with since I was a child, and it's important that I write these things down before I forget my past and my experiences. I write in this blog because it makes me feel better to get my emotions out and ensure my future self can look back on these and hopefully laugh a little. I sometimes randomly choose a post from years ago and read it. I completely forget certain things happened until I read them again. They've made me smile because I can read about the good memories and funny stories I've left here. Life may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but that only makes you appreciate the good times even more.
Fun Fact of the Day - I can drive stick shift. I've always wanted to learn how to drive a manual car and finally had the opportunity about a year ago. It was difficult at first but I'm proud to say that I can actually drive stick shift. I'm not the best stick driver, but I can still get myself around.
Here's some music for you guys. I debated making this a more organized list that makes some sense, but what fun would that be? I figured this list could represent the chaos that is my brain. Enjoy the random grab-bag of music and I hope at least a few of the songs make you happy.
