Out of the Woods

I have officially gotten past the hardest final of the semester. I'm not sure if I kicked it's ass or vice versa, but I suppose time will tell. I only have one final left and I'm confident. My summer has pretty much already started. 

I saw Josh today and I saw a sneak peek of the future. We wandered the mall and bought a few things and spent time together that wasn't outwardly too amazing, but pretty awesome to me. Sometimes I look at him when he doesn't know I'm looking. He really is the person I see to be in my life until the day I die. He's the sweetest and kindest person I know, and he's handsome as hell. He's just the right mixture of gentleman and asshole. 

Josh bought me a cute swimsuit, which I'll be keeping along with a coverup at his house during the summer. We also went out and got the kind of tampons I like and I'm keeping those in his bathroom. I already feel like I'm making myself at home there. Now that I can drive, we have much more independence. We can go out whenever we want. I actually like driving. Today Josh and I had a car sing along to A Milli by Lil Wayne. Never in my wildest dreams last year did I think this is where I'd end up now. A new man, a new life, a new happiness, and a new perspective on life. If things are meant to happen, they will. If it isn't meant to be, it won't happen. Timing is everything, and I wouldn't change my past at all. Everything bad in my life has led me to this moment; sitting on the train watching the sunset and scenery fly by as I head home from a day with Josh. I can't think of a better way to spend my days. 

Malibu

Josh's graduation party was Saturday night. I got to meet his extended family and some of the friends I hadn't met before. I got all dressed up and felt beautiful. It was the first time I ever wore lipstick. The cast of characters in Josh's family range from superficially sweet, to genuinely amazing people. As soon as we got to the venue, the pictures started. I couldn't take my eyes off of him for too long. He was handsome as hell, and I could tell how happy he was. I knocked back 6+ drinks while talking to his best friend and his cousins. His best friend loved me, and I definitely loved her too. She's the one who talked me into having just one more drink. I see some serious fun in our future. His cousins were so funny and we got along great. They're both such smart guys mathematically and scientifically, yet they suck in english classes. Go figure. If I could relive that night again, I totally would. It was fun being able to relax and not be stressing about school or assignments or finals. At the end of the party, his parents were too drunk to drive so I ended up driving his dad home while buzzed. Then Josh and I got gas for the van. It's so nice being able to go out together just because we want to. I can officially drive where ever and whenever I want. It's the stupid little things that make me think of the future. 5yrs down the line, we might be using that same gas station to fill up before a road trip or some other fun event together. I said for the first time on Facebook that I loved him. My mom brought it up over dinner, but she actually just thought it was sweet. She wasn't critical. Josh tells me that they talk more often than I think. That actually makes me a little happy inside. They haven't even formally met yet, and they're somewhat bonding over how cranky I am in the mornings. Everything is slowly falling into place. Josh told me on Saturday that I was officially part of the family. That took me aback for a moment, but in a good way. I haven't felt like I belonged with another family in a very long time. The conclusion of the party drew so many kisses from people. I'm not used to that level of affection. I sound like a poorly socialized cat, but it's true. I think I probably kissed about half of the people in that room on the cheek in the span of about 30mins. My family isn't so overtly affectionate. Not usually anyway. I'm gonna have to get used to the little formalities. There is still much to learn, but I do know that I want to stay a part of Josh's family, forever.

Somebody Loves You

Sometimes I doubt myself. I tried hard this semester to work for what I want in life. The past of my existence has been awful. I got pregnant, had an abortion, lived a secret life, and decided to completely switch schools and majors. I took a semester off to try and get myself emotionally back together but it didn't work as well as I intended it to. The stress of my first semester back has gotten to me. I've been having migraines and problems sleeping. Either I'm sleeping too much, or not enough. I asked my parents if I could stay the night at Josh's house since he has his graduation dinner on Saturday. Instead of a simple no, I was ripped a new one. My parents both agreed that I'm not working hard enough and they don't think I want this badly enough. My mom does this thing sometimes when she's being critical of me where she laughs at me and talks to me like I'm a child. I felt like it went on forever just listening to the two of them criticize my work at school, and even suggesting I should drop out because "maybe school isn't for you". I didn't cry about any of this until just now while writing. It breaks my heart to think that my parents think so little of me that they would actually suggest I drop out of school. Part of me wishes they knew the whole story with JP. Maybe then they would understand why this semester was so hard for me. It wasn't just the adjustment of beginning school again. There were other factors at play that they simply have no idea about. My mom called me a liar when I told her I would be studying over the summer to prepare to take A&P again in the fall. She always assumes she knows better than anyone. I still haven't told her that I plan to join Josh 3 days a week during his internship as his aid. I will be getting paid to study while he works. I can't imagine her response when I tell her. Both of my parents are going to think we'll be hanging out the entire time and no studying will get done. They'll think me getting paid is a terrible idea (my mom already expressed this). My parents don't trust me to be an adult and to make adult choices. A&P caught me off guard and it was much more difficult than I thought possible. I didn't think parents existed to make you feel like shit over something you already know you fucked up. I accepted the fact that I failed and I moved forward. Failure is not easy for me to accept, but I had to. They decided to pick on me even more for my shortcomings. My mom always tries to twist and contort things in a way that make me sound crazy. She blames things on my mental state and tries to connect dots that aren't there. She thinks I found a boyfriend just to distract myself from work, like somehow I wanted to fail. She doesn't see how hard I work or how I study or how I do homework. When I'm home with her, I try to hang out with her and spend time together. I guess because of that, she doesn't see me studying. It's a lose/lose. I hate how depressed I get over this kind of thing. I just hate being a failure. A few years ago my mom called me a failure, and I never forgot that. I cried for hours after that. Those words still echo in my head every time I get a bad grade or I don't feel like I'm performing up to her standards. I hate being my fucked up self.

Broken U

I have officially passed my road test. When I was told I had passed, my heart skipped a beat and I became so thrilled and happy. Having my license doesn't mean a lot here in NY since I don't have my own car. Between gas and insurance and upkeep and the car itself, it isn't worth it. Instead, I will be using my license to travel who knows where with Josh. We can finally go places without his mother driving us. We'll be like a real adult couple instead of young high schoolers being shuttled by mothers everywhere they go. Josh and I are already planning adventures and fun trips for the summer. Places to eat, things to see, and activities to do. He asked me today if I still see him being in my life. I think questions like those are so silly. If I didn't want something serious, I wouldn't be doing what I do or saying what I say. I've learned to speak my mind more often and voice my feelings. My parents were so happy and proud of me for passing my road test. Slowly but surely, I'm growing up. I remember when I graduated from high school and I thought that would be the summer of freedom. Fuck that. This is going to be the summer I've been wishing for for so many years. I have a license, a means to get around with my amazing boyfriend, plenty of plans and ideas, and a lot of new people to meet.
Josh's graduation dinner is fast approaching, and that means socializing. All of his friends and family want to meet me and find out who this new girlfriend is in Josh's life. It's intimidating to meet all of those people who hold so much meaning to Josh. But just like my road test, I have to keep calm. As long as I act natural and like my usual lovable self, I'll pass the family/friends test. Vroom vroom - into my future I go.

Shine

This semester is ending for me soon and I am thrilled. I'm going to have a summer of fun and happiness and spending time with someone I care about more than anything. Josh doesn't know this (yet), but when I get lonely I look at pictures of him on Facebook. They range from recently all the way back to his first day of college, and maybe even a little before that. Seeing him as such a little baby faced kid going into college blows my mind. 4yrs later and here he is with me, graduating. It's so cool to look back on someone's life before you knew them. I almost want to jump through the screen and tell him about the awesome relationship we're having present day. It really is crazy how people seem to come out of the wood work and make themselves such an integral part of our lives. I  still think back to first seeing him online. I saw he lived in New Jersey and had to think about whether that was something that could be overcome. Then when I realized he was in a wheelchair, I worried that it would complicate things too much. Ultimately, what did I have to lose? Josh was such a great and funny guy when we started talking, and it made all the 'complications' fade away. At that same time when Josh and I started talking, I was also talking with another guy. I wanted a date with him so bad until Josh came in and rocked the boat. Within a week of meeting online, we met in person. It was such a surreal experience seeing him in the flesh. But that's what I always think back to - on an almost daily basis. Some cute guy online is now my boyfriend, and hopefully my future husband.
My life hasn't followed the script I wrote when I was a young girl. Not at all. But I think I finally am getting my life together again. School isn't the greatest of places, or even the greatest of my successes, but I am making it through. My depression and anxiety still catch up with me every once in a while, but the medication and weekly therapy helps that a little. I have a guy who accepts whatever my case may be. If I fail in school, I'll just be a stay at home mom according to him. That's always floated in the back of my mind, but I never want to be seen as a featherbrain. Josh doesn't see my academic struggles as being a matter of the intelligence, but just a matter of the class and it's difficulty. I only have a few more weeks left. Then summer is mine. The beaches are mine. Josh is mine. The fire pit is mine. The pool is mine. Sleep is mine. Relaxation is mine. And best of all, I think I might finally become who I'm meant to be. Not in the grand scheme of things. But just who I am on a basic level. I don't know what I am yet. Am I an asshole? Probably. Am I feminine? That could be argued. Am I shy? Kind of. But what attributes will define me? My great-grandmother was a known big mouth. She said what she thought with no filter whatsoever. My grandfather, her son, was the same way but with a little more of a filter. Then came my mom who is capable of tearing someone a new asshole from words only. Where does that leave me? Am I going to be like that? Will I be more reserved? It sounds so silly putting it into words, but it's something I think about all the time. I have the same thoughts as my great-grandmother, but I rarely have the incentive to say them. I believe that's something that I can figure out soon enough. I think. Who knows. I don't.

Satellite

As I'm on the rail train home, I look outside at the sunset in the distance. I love sitting on the upper level to watch the world go by and stare at the sky as it changes the colors of the backdrops of the quant NJ towns. When this relationship first started, I remember my mom saying how I was going to get tired of the commute back and forth. I'm not going to lie, getting up early on my days off isn't the easiest, but it is the most rewarding.

I was looking back at old high school photos last night when I couldn't sleep. It's so strange how things change after such a short time. People change, situations change, and mentalities change. Very little has stayed the same. The friends I thought would be with me for the long run have disappeared, and those who I thought would fade away have stayed close. Today is Kyle's 21st birthday. Normally, I'd post something on Facebook and insist we see each other by the weekend. Instead, I watch as others congratulate him while I stand in the shadows wondering where my best friend of so many years had gone. He messaged me a little while ago asking to go out to lunch or coffee sometime. I couldn't help but respond with how I genuinely felt. He wasn't the person I grew up with and he let too many unimportant people influence who he is and what he does with his life. He's moving out to Indiana with his boyfriend in a couple of months. A year ago, I would have been heartbroken and totally lost. But now it isn't even on my radar. It's sick how someone who once meant so much now means next to nothing. I just have to focus on my own life and where I'm going. As I watch the sun set on the little towns of NJ, I think of how lucky I am to be in my position. It isn't the best or most ideal, but at least I have a family that supports me and a boyfriend who loves me. You can't truly love until you've given up on it. 

Ü

I had Josh's formal this past Saturday. It was the first time he saw me dressed up, and vice versa. When I snuck a peek of him getting dressed and fancy, I got anxious. He looked so good. Would I look just as good next to him? I did my makeup and looked at my hair that was so perfectly styled by his brother. When we finally unveiled our final looks to each other, I think we both were lost for words. He said I looked beautiful, and he definitely looked handsome. We posed for the traditional barrage of photos, along with a selfie of us with his parents. I really do enjoy his entire family. They're all such sweet people and seem to actually like me for some crazy reason. After photos, we headed to formal. We discovered there was no elevator to bring us to his friends room in the hotel. It rare times like those that I actually notice the wheelchair. I know some people would see it as a burden or a difficult obstacle, but I've just adapted to it. It has it's fair share of useful moments for sure. We sat in the cafe downstairs in the hotel and just chatted. He looked so amazing under the dimmed lights. They cast this amazing glow on his face that made me think of how lucky I am that this incredible guy is mine. I ended up being my typical clumsy self and spilled water on my dress. It wasn't a huge deal. We went to his other friends room and watched as the other people flooded in. I counted a total of 18-20 college kids in one hotel room taking shots, making drinks, and getting prepared for the event. My social anxiety kicked in, but I had Josh there to shield me from the other humans in close proximity. When the actual formal began, Josh and I grabbed a couple rum and cokes and watched the formal slowly become a club in Manhattan. Every girl there was dressed rather...interestingly. Josh and I drank and kissed and people watched. It was the most fun I had had in a while. The past week has been a very stressful one, so a night to relax was fun. I anticipated staying the night with Josh but my parents wouldn't have it. Instead, I got home at 3:30am and passed out, wishing I was in his arms.
Monday was our one month anniversary. We've known each other such a short period of time, yet we've grown so much together. We compliment each other in just the right ways, and keep each other sane when one of us is having a bad day. My love life is as complete as I've ever felt. I have a boyfriend who I can show off to everyone I know, and they all think he's just as handsome as I do. He's smart, sweet, funny, and so caring. He would do almost anything for me, and I'd do the same for him. Spring break is approaching for me, and I'm going to take full advantage. I'm going to see Josh more than once a week and maybe even do some much needed cleaning. After that, I have about 3 more weeks of school then I'm out till September. I just keep thinking about the summer and what an amazing time that's going to be. The countdown is on until I have my summer freedom. I can almost taste it.