Shine

This semester is ending for me soon and I am thrilled. I'm going to have a summer of fun and happiness and spending time with someone I care about more than anything. Josh doesn't know this (yet), but when I get lonely I look at pictures of him on Facebook. They range from recently all the way back to his first day of college, and maybe even a little before that. Seeing him as such a little baby faced kid going into college blows my mind. 4yrs later and here he is with me, graduating. It's so cool to look back on someone's life before you knew them. I almost want to jump through the screen and tell him about the awesome relationship we're having present day. It really is crazy how people seem to come out of the wood work and make themselves such an integral part of our lives. I  still think back to first seeing him online. I saw he lived in New Jersey and had to think about whether that was something that could be overcome. Then when I realized he was in a wheelchair, I worried that it would complicate things too much. Ultimately, what did I have to lose? Josh was such a great and funny guy when we started talking, and it made all the 'complications' fade away. At that same time when Josh and I started talking, I was also talking with another guy. I wanted a date with him so bad until Josh came in and rocked the boat. Within a week of meeting online, we met in person. It was such a surreal experience seeing him in the flesh. But that's what I always think back to - on an almost daily basis. Some cute guy online is now my boyfriend, and hopefully my future husband.
My life hasn't followed the script I wrote when I was a young girl. Not at all. But I think I finally am getting my life together again. School isn't the greatest of places, or even the greatest of my successes, but I am making it through. My depression and anxiety still catch up with me every once in a while, but the medication and weekly therapy helps that a little. I have a guy who accepts whatever my case may be. If I fail in school, I'll just be a stay at home mom according to him. That's always floated in the back of my mind, but I never want to be seen as a featherbrain. Josh doesn't see my academic struggles as being a matter of the intelligence, but just a matter of the class and it's difficulty. I only have a few more weeks left. Then summer is mine. The beaches are mine. Josh is mine. The fire pit is mine. The pool is mine. Sleep is mine. Relaxation is mine. And best of all, I think I might finally become who I'm meant to be. Not in the grand scheme of things. But just who I am on a basic level. I don't know what I am yet. Am I an asshole? Probably. Am I feminine? That could be argued. Am I shy? Kind of. But what attributes will define me? My great-grandmother was a known big mouth. She said what she thought with no filter whatsoever. My grandfather, her son, was the same way but with a little more of a filter. Then came my mom who is capable of tearing someone a new asshole from words only. Where does that leave me? Am I going to be like that? Will I be more reserved? It sounds so silly putting it into words, but it's something I think about all the time. I have the same thoughts as my great-grandmother, but I rarely have the incentive to say them. I believe that's something that I can figure out soon enough. I think. Who knows. I don't.