I Feel So Pretty..Oh So Pretty..

It's been a busy few days. I had work on Saturday from 10-4. It was a kinda busy shift, but it went quickly enough. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I was seeing the New York Philharmonic! I was so excited. I bought tickets for Bambi and I. I rushed home, showered, dried my hair, put on a dress, did my makeup then got my heels on. I like getting dressed up sometimes. It makes me feel so pretty when I look in the mirror. I couldn't do it every day, but on occasion, I enjoy it. Bambi wore all black with a purple tie. He looked nice. My dad drove us in to Lincoln Center and we found our building. It was impressive. There was modern art everywhere, and old wealthy people walking around. I felt important. Bambi and I found our seats. We had 3rd Tier, but the front row. It was a perfect view. The orchestra played West Side Story Symphonic Dances and Tchaikovski's Piano Concerto No. 1. The West Side Story portion was my favorite. It was beautiful and emotional. The Concerto was kinda choppy and didn't flow well. Not my style. But I took notes and paid close attention to the orchestra and instruments. They flowed together like an ocean. The rise and fall of emotion was intense and amazing. I will definitely be going back to the orchestra. After the performance, Bambi and I went out to dinner. We found a nice Mexican sit-down restaurant nearby. $45 for enchiladas, but it was worth it. It was a nice date. We talked and laughing and even argued a bit. But I wouldn't have it any other way. We spoke about the future, kids, work, and school. No matter how much we bicker, we still love each other. After dinner, my dad picked us up, and drove Bambi home. I was home around 12:30am and was exhausted. I laid in bed still in my dress and makeup for 2hrs before I decided to move and get into PJs. I got into bed and soon fell asleep.
I woke up today around 10 and my family had already left for church. I browsed the web until they came home. My mom told me to get up and dressed. I was apparently going shopping with her. I did as she said and we went to Macy's. She bought me a hoodie, 3 pairs of pants, and a shirt for $263. She didn't mind the cost. I don't buy pants and hoodies often so a large expenditure like this was bound to happen eventually. I needed new pants because I wear jeans until they have a hole in the ass. Literally. So she decided it was time for new ones. I bought all the clothes from the men's department. They have a better selection of durable pants. My pants size in guys is 30/30. I learn something new every day. Men's also has a wider selection of hoodies, which is why I went there for a hoodie. I got a nice North Face hoodie that's black and neon green/yellow. Sometimes it's nice to be growing up in an upper-middle class family. Money rarely hurts to have. But besides that, my day was uneventful. Leo texted me for a while. He was coming home from a trip to Boston. Sounds like he had fun exploring. I'll hopefully see him soon. Being with him is now becoming a treat. It almost never happens. Sometimes I wish life would just slow down.

What's a Relationship?

Since our meeting, Jojoe and I have spoken only once. It was brief, but showed that at least we are taking those baby steps.
Tuesday I had a 2hr math lecture followed by music class. We got our music tests back. I got a 78. Not my greatest at all, but it'll get better with time.
Yesterday I had more classes. It was a long day. But in the end, Elijah and I hung out and went home together. He really is becoming a good friend.
Today I have a photography club meeting. We're showing off pur pictures. I'm nervous that people won't like them. I want to impress people and make them like me. Let's see if that really happens.
While all of this school crap was going on, Bambi and I were fighting. I told him that being his girlfriend is like having a second job. It's true. I have to help him with his homework, make sure he sleeps, cheer him up when he's depressed, and censor myself around him. I can't mention Jojoe, Mimi or any past relationships I've had. He gets mad and offended. It's a lot of effort to put in to a relationship. I sometimes ask myself if it's worth it. I see Kyle and Jeremy. They're happy together and never fight (it's true, they don't). Is that what a relationship is supposed to be like?

Baby Steps

Is it me, or do I always seem busy? Sunday I worked a 10-4 shift. It went well I guess. Bob is still my best friend. It definitely makes life a lot easier with him liking me. After work, I went to Keyfood with my mom. At the deli counter, I saw a regular customer at the Bagel Shoppe. She smiled at me and said she almost didn't recognize me from not being behind a counter. We both laughed and carried on. It's so strange how people you don't even know become regular staples in your life. There are some customers that come in so frequently, that before they even make it to the counter, I'm already making their sandwich. It's creepy, but I guess helpful in saving time.
Anyway, today was an...interesting turn in events. Jojoe and I were planning on meeting today just to sit and talk things out. I wanted to see if we had any hope of a future friendship. I went to school, sat through my Psychology class, then ran. I made it just in time for the bus. I took the bus but got off in a bad area (I got off at the wrong stop). Google Maps wasn't working right (perfect...) and I was lost. I texted Jojoe saying I would be late. He replied with "Please don't come."...What? I sacrifice my time, travel on strange buses, and get lost, all so you can cancel on me? NO. So I talked him back into meeting with me. I got to his house, he let me inside, and we went to his room in the basement. He had on VH1. We both watched the show for a minute, then began talking. To make a long story short, he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him how I felt (that I missed him, and loved him), and he was left speechless. He couldn't decide whether to just push me away or to let some sort of friendship ensue. I wasn't going to wait all day till his decision was made. I told him that the ball was in his court, then I excused myself, and took the buses home. However, I made a small pit stop. Leo met me at the mall and we talked. I told him about the meeting with Jojoe and how it went. We walked around and smelled candled, explored stores, and just wandered. I forgot about the outside world for a bit. He had to leave, so I boarded the bus going home.
I finally made it home. I heated up some pasta, ate it quickly, then left for physical therapy. My therapist told me that the knot in my shoulder had doubled in size. I triggered a muscle spasm Saturday night after I tried reaching for something that was too far. It hurt, but I didn't know I did that much damage. We skipped the stretches and exercises in therapy and just iced/heated it with electrode therapy. I need to stop being so fragile. I have responsibilities and things to do. I don't have time to focus on fixing myself.
After therapy, I got home and was exhausted. I did a lot of travel today. probably a combined 4 or so hours within a 6hr window. Ugh. I played with my laptop and learned how to torrent movies. I've downloaded a bunch of anime classics. Howl's Moving Castle, Ghost in the Shell, Kiki's Delivery Service, Grave of the Fireflies, and a couple others. I intend on watching them during whatever free time I happen to have. Anyway, since I was busy online, I wasn't focusing on my phone too much. Turns out, Jojoe had texted me. He wants to have a friendship. It kinda surprised me, but I guess in a good way. I really do miss him being a friend. Now, hopefully we can at least have a nice conversation. Let's see how things progress. As Jojoe said, "Baby steps"

Seperate Lives

Yesterday, I worked 6-1. Getting up early isn't easy. It sucks. A lot. Bob was at work and we got along. He's actually saying he likes me now. Work is so much easier when people don't yell at you. The time went by kinda slow, but soon 1 o'clock came and I left. I went home, had an egg and cheese sandwich, then just watched TV. My mom came home and we did a family movie night. We watched the two most recent Star Trek movies. They were pretty great. My parents are both Trekkies, and now I see why.
Throughout the day, Leo and I were talking. He still loves me, as I do him. I recognize that this can't go on. I told him we live in sperate worlds now. We'll never be as close as before. He knows I'm right, but keeps on pushing for dates and time alone. It hurts both he and I when I have to reject him over and over and over again. How do I make him realize that what we had is fading? I'm still his friend without a doubt. However, I can't be his lover.

Be Creepy to Eve Day...

Today was eventful. I was almost late for class (I'm normally on time). Then i headed to Kyle's house for a round of D&D. I have work early tomorrow morning so I couldn't stay long. I got there around 3 and left at 5:30. Oh well. I played for a bit. But anyway, now for the fun part of my day. I was hit on so many times today. I'm not even trying to sound narcissistic, but I was really the target of some creeps today.
First thing in the morning, some guy followed me into the subway. Then on the train, a guy sang a song for tips, gave me his card (no one else but me got a card), and said "dont hesitate to call me *wink*"...then I was walking to school and a group of homeless men were like "daaaaamn. Now THAT'S a woman...." then followed me down the block saying things like "Hehe women.." "She's a cutie"...I them went to school and forgot about it. My next stop was Kyle's house. As I was heading to Kyle's, I got off the train and some guy asked me where I went to college, how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, wanted to know my plans, if I wanted to get coffee with him, then asked for my number. I denied him any information, said I had plans with a friend, then quickly departed. I walked as fast as I could to Kmart (where Kyle and I were meeting up). As I was waiting out front for him, I saw the guy who asked me all those questions. He followed me to Kmart! So I called Kyle, then walked toward where he was coming from. I didn't feel safe alone. I met Kyle halfway and we went shopping. Ugh. This is why I hate men sometimes. It's ok to think a girl is attractive, but please don't be creepy. Please.

Keep It Moving

So far, Bambi seems to be working hard and ditching his old habits. He's trying to sleep normal hours and is focusing on his math and Spanish work. I'm happy this is all going well.
I had school today as usual. However, I got to the train and it wasn't running. They wouldn't let anyone go past the turnstiles. Everyone gathered in front of the turnstiles and were getting rowdy and annoyed. After about 10mins, people began hopping the turnstiles and going onto a train waiting at the platform. I followed. The train didn't move. We just sat/stood packed into a train car for about half an hour. Eventually it started and I got to my destination. Apparently there was police activity along my train route. Oh well. I still got to school on time. Classes were...classes. Nothing special. Now I'm at physical therapy. As I'm typing, I'm receiving electrode therapy. Yay. I have a test tomorrow in music. I'm nervous.y first college test. Wish me luck.

Sincerity

Antonio and I were hesitant about the intervention with Bambi today, but we went forward with it. I went to class, saw Elijah, then got on my way to Bambi. I took buses I've never taken before and got a little lost. I got my bearings and found my way to Bambi's house. Antonio let me inside and we talked for a moment. Bambi was sleeping. We decided I would go and wake him up so we could all talk. I woke him up and he looked confused. He tried to go back to sleep but I wouldn't let him. Antonio and I started talking to him. Antonio sat in his bed, and I sat next to Bambi in his bed. They share a room so we all sat in a cluster and talked. At first, Bambi ignored us and didn't answer. After a while, we got him to talk and get up. I told him to get up and shower and do some school work. He has a lot to get done in the next 2 weeks. He went to shower, and Antonio and I discussed it. We both agreed he took it well. Soon, Their father came home and offered me a ride. I agreed. Before we left, Bambi and I got a couple minutes alone. He said nothing. He just hugged me tight. He's never hugged me like this before. It was so sincere and loving. It was tight and so warm. I felt like I was going to cry. I just whispered that I loved him and he held me close. He pulled away, looked me in the eyes, and said he loved me too. I asked if he was mad about the intervention, and he said no. He understand why I did it. I said I wanted the old him back. He hugged me again, and then kissed me. He was so gentle and sweet. I am calling today's intervention a success. I can only hope he follows through.

Intervention

Getting back into the writing flow is harder than I thought. Anyway, I had work today. 6-1. It sucked getting up so damn early. It was just Bob and I up front for 4hrs. Bob seems to really have taken a liking to me. He laughs at my jokes, I laugh at his, he gives me advice and tells me stories of his past. It's nice being able to get along. At 10, Jenna and Ray came in. We all talked and hung out. Then a new guy came. His name is Matt. He's maybe a year or so older than me. He seems nice enough. After only an hour of knowing me, he pegged me as being a gamer. Am I that readable? But we talked and seemed to hit it off. I'm working 6-1 both Saturday and Sunday next week. I'll be seeing Matt. I hope he and I get along.
Tomorrow I have only one class. Psychology. I'm going to hang out with Elijah for a bit then leave. I am going to Bambi's house. He's been depressed very badly and has basically given up on himself. His brother texted me asking what we could do to help him. We decided to have a tiny intervention. I'm going to surprise Bambi tomorrow and then talk to him along side his brother. We want him to get help. Now let's hope this all goes according to plan. Wish us luck.

Hollow and Empty

I disappeared for a bit. You would expect me to be posting a lot, especially since I've started college. Everything is so new and strange. However, college isn't what's been holding me back from blogging. Something totally rocked my world a couple weeks ago. It was the day after my last post. Bambi got drunk and was upset. He and I fought over the Air Force (I think I may have mentioned that in my last post). I got fed up with him and went to sleep. The next day, he said he had something to confess. I thought that he had cut again. He said no, that wasn't it. Even writing this is making me tear up. He confessed to sexting another girl. Some internet friend he talks to sometimes. It broke my heart into a million pieces. How could he do that? It hurt so much. I got angry and I broke up with him. He cried and cried and apologized profusely. I still can't let it go. Every time I think about it, I start to cry. I gave him my everything, and he does that to me. I cried so much. I felt like a piece of me had died. After a couple days, he and I got together and he brought me cinnamon candy-canes. We talked and I forgave him a bit. The night before he and I met, a mutual friend of ours called me out of the blue. She and I had had a rough couple years. We had our disagreements but she called to clear the air and apologize. I was stunned, but so happy. I needed a companion. She and I spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half. I told her what had happened with Bambi. She said he was an asshole and spoke about me unkindly sometimes. He finds me less attractive with my hair dyed an unnatural color. That hurt to hear. She and I talked and eventually said goodbye and hung up the phone. It made me think. Is Bambi really the one for me? The next day, Bambi and I met up as I mentioned earlier. I smiled a bit and tried to forget what happened. After all, college was starting in a few days. I felt hollow. Like part of me was missing. I still feel that way.

College began before I knew it. The tuesday before classes, there was a freshman gathering at the school to help people meet and greet and make friends. I felt alone and out of place. My situation with Bambi kept lingering in my head. I sat alone and texted people to help calm myself down. Soon, we were told to move to a different floor to the gym. I followed the crowd but I got myself and another guy lost. We both looked at each other, gave a half-smile, then introduced ourselves. His name was Elijah. He was a sweet guy. We made our way downstairs and eventually found where we had to be. We both wanted to explore different clubs, so we went around together and signed up for a few. We got to talking, and I found out that he likes anime too. Once we found a common thread, it was all history. We instantly bonded and talked. After the meet and greet, we took the train home together (we happen to both take the same train). We exchanged numbers, and texted constantly. We have classes around the same times, so we often hang out after school and take the train home. At least I have one friend so far. We ordered Starbucks for the first time together, discovered new parts of the library, discussed our professors, and became friends. It makes me happy that I have someone to talk to.

Bambi and I are still on strange terms. He has summer school work to complete before he can apply to trade school. He needs to apply by the end of the month, but at the rate he's going, he won't be applying for a while. He puts it off then gets mad when I tell him to do his work. I'm like his mother. I'm getting so tired of the bullshit. It's making me feel empty and sad inside. I want to be how we used to be. I want to be happy. I want to kiss him without wanting to slap him. I want to smile for real instead of having to fake it for him. But I have another theory. What if the reason I'm sad is because I realized what I've done. Bambi broke my heart just by sexting another girl. I kissed Leo. I've gone out with him behind Bambi's back. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm so lost and confused. I can't confess to Bambi. No matter how mad I get at him, I still love him. I just hope this doesn't turn out like my previous relationships. I love Bambi, but I feel so empty. So hollow. I haven't felt the same since he told me what he did. Maybe I just need more time to get over it. Whoever is in the audience right now, any kind of feedback would help. I don't care what you need/want to say. I need whatever input I can get. Bear with me everyone. Stay with me while my world falls apart.