Hollow and Empty

I disappeared for a bit. You would expect me to be posting a lot, especially since I've started college. Everything is so new and strange. However, college isn't what's been holding me back from blogging. Something totally rocked my world a couple weeks ago. It was the day after my last post. Bambi got drunk and was upset. He and I fought over the Air Force (I think I may have mentioned that in my last post). I got fed up with him and went to sleep. The next day, he said he had something to confess. I thought that he had cut again. He said no, that wasn't it. Even writing this is making me tear up. He confessed to sexting another girl. Some internet friend he talks to sometimes. It broke my heart into a million pieces. How could he do that? It hurt so much. I got angry and I broke up with him. He cried and cried and apologized profusely. I still can't let it go. Every time I think about it, I start to cry. I gave him my everything, and he does that to me. I cried so much. I felt like a piece of me had died. After a couple days, he and I got together and he brought me cinnamon candy-canes. We talked and I forgave him a bit. The night before he and I met, a mutual friend of ours called me out of the blue. She and I had had a rough couple years. We had our disagreements but she called to clear the air and apologize. I was stunned, but so happy. I needed a companion. She and I spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half. I told her what had happened with Bambi. She said he was an asshole and spoke about me unkindly sometimes. He finds me less attractive with my hair dyed an unnatural color. That hurt to hear. She and I talked and eventually said goodbye and hung up the phone. It made me think. Is Bambi really the one for me? The next day, Bambi and I met up as I mentioned earlier. I smiled a bit and tried to forget what happened. After all, college was starting in a few days. I felt hollow. Like part of me was missing. I still feel that way.

College began before I knew it. The tuesday before classes, there was a freshman gathering at the school to help people meet and greet and make friends. I felt alone and out of place. My situation with Bambi kept lingering in my head. I sat alone and texted people to help calm myself down. Soon, we were told to move to a different floor to the gym. I followed the crowd but I got myself and another guy lost. We both looked at each other, gave a half-smile, then introduced ourselves. His name was Elijah. He was a sweet guy. We made our way downstairs and eventually found where we had to be. We both wanted to explore different clubs, so we went around together and signed up for a few. We got to talking, and I found out that he likes anime too. Once we found a common thread, it was all history. We instantly bonded and talked. After the meet and greet, we took the train home together (we happen to both take the same train). We exchanged numbers, and texted constantly. We have classes around the same times, so we often hang out after school and take the train home. At least I have one friend so far. We ordered Starbucks for the first time together, discovered new parts of the library, discussed our professors, and became friends. It makes me happy that I have someone to talk to.

Bambi and I are still on strange terms. He has summer school work to complete before he can apply to trade school. He needs to apply by the end of the month, but at the rate he's going, he won't be applying for a while. He puts it off then gets mad when I tell him to do his work. I'm like his mother. I'm getting so tired of the bullshit. It's making me feel empty and sad inside. I want to be how we used to be. I want to be happy. I want to kiss him without wanting to slap him. I want to smile for real instead of having to fake it for him. But I have another theory. What if the reason I'm sad is because I realized what I've done. Bambi broke my heart just by sexting another girl. I kissed Leo. I've gone out with him behind Bambi's back. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm so lost and confused. I can't confess to Bambi. No matter how mad I get at him, I still love him. I just hope this doesn't turn out like my previous relationships. I love Bambi, but I feel so empty. So hollow. I haven't felt the same since he told me what he did. Maybe I just need more time to get over it. Whoever is in the audience right now, any kind of feedback would help. I don't care what you need/want to say. I need whatever input I can get. Bear with me everyone. Stay with me while my world falls apart.