My Little Thing

The last week hasn't been easy. I told my mom about being pregnant, and she was obviously upset. However, she was much more upset that I didn't tell her sooner. I had been walking around with this knowledge for about 3 weeks before I told her. She said it must have been so hard for me to carry around. She's right, it was and still is. But she explained a lot of things to me. Our insurance doesn't cover any kind of prenatal care for me. And the expenses that would come with a baby are much to great for us to easily handle. We still have doctor bills to pay from my dad's cancer a few months ago. The type of cancer he has is so aggressive that it always comes back within 2yrs after treatment. We don't know when or where it'll come back, but when it does, it will require a lot of money and energy on our end. It's likely to come back with a vengeance. She gave me straight facts and shot down my dream of raising this baby. Ultimately, the decision is mine, and I know that. It took me a couple days to think and get my head on straight, but I came to a conclusion. We simply can't handle a baby right now, no matter how we may try to pull it off. Every child deserves to be given the best life possible, and I can't provide that at 19. I can't even sustain myself, let alone someone else. I've always been pro-choice, but I never thought I'd be in the position to choose. Life is funny that way I guess. This wasn't an easy decision, and I hate having to do it. I prayed and spoke to the baby. There's this really nice open letter online that went viral a few months ago from a mother to her aborted baby. She explains that she's still dealing with her own issues, and that bringing another life into that situation isn't a positive thing for anyone. I completely agree. I believe it's called Little Thing if anyone is interested. I read it when it first became popular and I thought it was sweet. But now it truely makes sense to me. Unless you're in the position I'm in, you can't grasp the feelings or emotions that are going through my mind and heart. I'm going Tuesday morning at 10am to have it done. I'm scared and sad and hurting, but I know it's for the best. I feel so alone. I still have the baby in my stomach, and I sure as hell know it's there. I'm still peeing constantly and the morning sickness hasn't really gone away. While I may be feeling a flood of emotions, I also feel a sense of peace. I know this child won't be brought into my crazy world. I know I'm not ready for it. If I had the means to leave school and be able to support this baby, I would do it a million times over. But it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what the baby needs.
I love my little thing, and I always will. I'll never forget the short but meaningful journey we took together. You taught me a lot, and you gave me patience. I appreciate you and your little life more than you can imagine. I know I'll meet you someday in heaven when I get old and finish my time on earth. I don't want you to think that I don't love you, or that you were a burden. You are and will always be a blessing to me. Conceiving you wasn't a mistake in the slightest, it was simply the timing. When Tuesday comes and I say goodbye, it won't be forever. It'll just be till I see you again. Just as I won't forget you, I hope you won't forget me. I'm your mother, as will I always be.