Chains

My inner demons have been feeding on my soul. I can feel myself deteriorating and shrinking away into nothingness. I have urges to jump out in front of trains, take pills, or simply cut myself till I bleed to death. My depression is magnifying and it's getting out of control. I can stop myself from doing anything too harmful, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that much longer. I feel weak and mentally exhausted. I forgot whether I put this in my prior post, but I have a new job. Everyone there is so sweet and eager to help if I need anything. I've spoken to a couple of the (small) male population of the store. They seem nice, and one of them seemed to be flirting with me a little bit. I'm in no place in my life to begin again with a relationship. My insides feel twisted and my throat is dry, and my overall mindset is very negative.
I got out of class early today, so I found a place to sit outside by the Hudson River with a sweet view of the city. I watched the clouds breeze by, felt the sun on my face, and listened to the Les Mis soundtrack. It's depressing, but calming in a weird way. I'm seriously looking at maybe checking myself in somewhere. I've done a lot of independent research and have self-diagnosed myself as severe Borderline Personality Disorder. I fit every element to a tea (I believe that's the expression). The only things making me second guess this decision are my job (I just started, so taking a sabbatical this early is not good) and disqualification from any military or PD jobs in the future. I don't know what I'm going to do. I tried a couple different people today trying to get info but none were too helpful. My best bet is to call directly to the hospital I'm interested in and get info there. It's amazing how much they make people go through just to get the help they need. Slowly but surely I'm taking the correct steps to be the person I once was so long ago.