Grand Entrance and Quick Exit

The saying goes that if one door closes, another one is opened in its place. We adopted a tiny 6 week old calico who I named Muffin. She's so small and delicate. We brought her home and started the tricky process of introducing her to my big German Shepard, Scout. It took some time but they got used to each other. They even got comfortable enough to sleep within a foot of each other. In the middle of the day today, my mom noticed Scout's stomach was a little distended. She hadn't been eating much the last few days so she told my dad to take her to the vet hospital to see what was up. We all expected some strange diagnosis and for her to return with some new medication she'd be finicky about taking. I didn't pet her goodbye or even acknowledge her leaving. I knew she'd be back, just like every time prior. However, my dad called maybe 20mins later and told my mom the news. Scout had had an aggressive cancer in her spleen that the vet hadn't picked up on during her previous visits this year. Her spleen inflamed and swelled and eventually burst. This caused her abdomen to swell with blood. We had two options. She could have surgery then face chemo and radiation to buy her 2-3 more months. Or she could be put down. Any life is about quality vs quantity. No living thing should be put through hell and painful treatments just to live a few more months in pain. My dad decided to put her down. I wanted to go and say goodbye, but I wouldn't have made it in time. My mom and I both cried and hugged. My brother had a friend over so we didn't tell him until much later. Our entire family is devastated. We had her from the age of 3 months. She was just a little fluff ball when we got her 9 1/2yrs ago. She's been through a lot with our family and I feel such a deep pain in my heart. Loss is something I have never dealt with well. I get thrown into a deep depression and I become very introverted. I'm on medication to help with my emotional state and management but this is going to throw me for a loop. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, so I'm lucky I have an appt soon. I have Josh by my side talking me through everything and trying to console me. If it weren't for him and Muffin, I don't know what I would do. I honestly would most likely turn to cutting again. Scout and Muffin only knew each other for 12hrs, but I believe that that was enough time for Scout to realize she was approaching the end of her road. She approved of Muffin and made that clear. We have converted Scout's old blanket/bed area into a 'kitty pavilion'. I think it's what Scout would have wanted. She passed the torch to the newbie of the house. Muffin is already being an energetic fluff ball, just like Scout was up until the end. It's so hard to accept another loss in my life, especially one so sudden and unexpected. I really hope I don't become self destructive again. I don't think Josh could handle seeing me like how I was. I miss you Scout, and I love you so much.

The Addition

It was a busy day with Josh again. We accomplished a lot together. It amazes me how the simplest things turn into fun with him. Getting food, work clothes shopping, and just driving. I don't know what he sees in me but I hope that never fades.
Tomorrow we're adding a new member to our family. I'm finally adopting my second cat. I've been waiting for this day since it was promised for my birthday in January. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight from all the excitement. I just know that summer keeps getting better and better and I don't want that to end.

Road to Eternity

Life has a really funny way of sneaking past you when you aren't paying attention. Facebook brought up a photo from my high school prom years ago and I just sat there shocked. It seems like just yesterday we were all having the time of our lives and celebrating the end to high school. I miss the high school days when things were so much simpler. But then again, it feels like a million years ago. I can't remember the last time I wore a uniform or had to comply with strict dress codes. I look back and think about that circle of friends I had. I thought we would all transition into adulthood and keep in touch. I guess that was a silly fantasy. I still have those few that proved to be true friends, while the other got carried off in the whirlwind of life. Thinking so much of the past makes me think equally as much about the future. As a kid I always dreamed of getting married and having a family and finding that person to finally settle down with. I've never been overtly feminine, but I do have secret dreams of beautiful weddings and flowing gowns and bouquets. When I pictured my wedding, I could never see the type of person I'd marry. There was no defined cookie cutter image of what I wanted. The person who I found is definitely not cookie cutter. Because he can't stand, girls may have passed him up and never thought twice. They never wanted to break whatever cookie cutter mold they had in mind. Since I had no mold to match, Josh was a perfect fit. I think a lot of people underestimate him because he's in a wheelchair. I didn't take him at face value. I didn't see the distance issue or the wheelchair being a major obstacle. I found someone who felt like a long lost best friend, and there was no way I'd leave that behind over trivial things most people would be stuck on. I accepted who he was, and he accepted who I was. I know anyone else looking in would say we're insane because we say we love each other so early in the relationship, but I can't fake how I feel with him. We're already thinking years in advance. This nights FaceTime included a discussion of where we'd be in 5yrs. It excites me that I finally found someone who I can settle down with, and who is just as eager as I am about it. It all goes to show that taking just one little leap of faith can lead to the beginning of the rest of your life.

You

How many emails have you written me in the last few months? How many times have I voiced my disgust with you? How many nights have you spent parked outside my house, just waiting and watching? How many hours of sleep have you lost over what you did? How much have you neglected your family to come hunt me down on my campus? How many times did you roam my campus looking for me? Why didn't I see this all coming from the beginning? The pictures, the videos, the recordings, the hours spent together doing nothing but reviewing 'evidence'. I look back at the photos I have saved from last February and think to myself why I even continued. Josh knows. He knows everything. You were once such a powerful force in my life, and I thought you truly cared for me in return. You did some good, I can't take that from you. But you also did very bad. That powerful force who I thought would be around until I die was revealed to really just be a coward playing tough guy. I read your emails and I laugh. I laugh at how pathetic of a person you were, and I question what I ever saw in you. I remember you saying after our last meeting that that was the coldest thing you had ever experienced. I am not your girlfriend. I am not your lover. I am not your friend. I am someone who had the misfortune of making your acquaintance. However, I wouldn't change a thing. You taught me a few valuable lessons. And if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm happy as could be with Josh and his friends and his family. A years and a half together and I only met one friend of yours. Remember Beans? I do. I hope for the rest of your miserable life you replay in your head all of those moments we shared, and everything I did for you. I was more down for you than your own wife. You made your decision and I hope you can live with that. I want you to suffer every day and every night. Every waking moment I want you to feel what I felt. God has given me what I deserve. I only hope he does the same for you.

Out of the Woods

I have officially gotten past the hardest final of the semester. I'm not sure if I kicked it's ass or vice versa, but I suppose time will tell. I only have one final left and I'm confident. My summer has pretty much already started. 

I saw Josh today and I saw a sneak peek of the future. We wandered the mall and bought a few things and spent time together that wasn't outwardly too amazing, but pretty awesome to me. Sometimes I look at him when he doesn't know I'm looking. He really is the person I see to be in my life until the day I die. He's the sweetest and kindest person I know, and he's handsome as hell. He's just the right mixture of gentleman and asshole. 

Josh bought me a cute swimsuit, which I'll be keeping along with a coverup at his house during the summer. We also went out and got the kind of tampons I like and I'm keeping those in his bathroom. I already feel like I'm making myself at home there. Now that I can drive, we have much more independence. We can go out whenever we want. I actually like driving. Today Josh and I had a car sing along to A Milli by Lil Wayne. Never in my wildest dreams last year did I think this is where I'd end up now. A new man, a new life, a new happiness, and a new perspective on life. If things are meant to happen, they will. If it isn't meant to be, it won't happen. Timing is everything, and I wouldn't change my past at all. Everything bad in my life has led me to this moment; sitting on the train watching the sunset and scenery fly by as I head home from a day with Josh. I can't think of a better way to spend my days. 

Malibu

Josh's graduation party was Saturday night. I got to meet his extended family and some of the friends I hadn't met before. I got all dressed up and felt beautiful. It was the first time I ever wore lipstick. The cast of characters in Josh's family range from superficially sweet, to genuinely amazing people. As soon as we got to the venue, the pictures started. I couldn't take my eyes off of him for too long. He was handsome as hell, and I could tell how happy he was. I knocked back 6+ drinks while talking to his best friend and his cousins. His best friend loved me, and I definitely loved her too. She's the one who talked me into having just one more drink. I see some serious fun in our future. His cousins were so funny and we got along great. They're both such smart guys mathematically and scientifically, yet they suck in english classes. Go figure. If I could relive that night again, I totally would. It was fun being able to relax and not be stressing about school or assignments or finals. At the end of the party, his parents were too drunk to drive so I ended up driving his dad home while buzzed. Then Josh and I got gas for the van. It's so nice being able to go out together just because we want to. I can officially drive where ever and whenever I want. It's the stupid little things that make me think of the future. 5yrs down the line, we might be using that same gas station to fill up before a road trip or some other fun event together. I said for the first time on Facebook that I loved him. My mom brought it up over dinner, but she actually just thought it was sweet. She wasn't critical. Josh tells me that they talk more often than I think. That actually makes me a little happy inside. They haven't even formally met yet, and they're somewhat bonding over how cranky I am in the mornings. Everything is slowly falling into place. Josh told me on Saturday that I was officially part of the family. That took me aback for a moment, but in a good way. I haven't felt like I belonged with another family in a very long time. The conclusion of the party drew so many kisses from people. I'm not used to that level of affection. I sound like a poorly socialized cat, but it's true. I think I probably kissed about half of the people in that room on the cheek in the span of about 30mins. My family isn't so overtly affectionate. Not usually anyway. I'm gonna have to get used to the little formalities. There is still much to learn, but I do know that I want to stay a part of Josh's family, forever.

Somebody Loves You

Sometimes I doubt myself. I tried hard this semester to work for what I want in life. The past of my existence has been awful. I got pregnant, had an abortion, lived a secret life, and decided to completely switch schools and majors. I took a semester off to try and get myself emotionally back together but it didn't work as well as I intended it to. The stress of my first semester back has gotten to me. I've been having migraines and problems sleeping. Either I'm sleeping too much, or not enough. I asked my parents if I could stay the night at Josh's house since he has his graduation dinner on Saturday. Instead of a simple no, I was ripped a new one. My parents both agreed that I'm not working hard enough and they don't think I want this badly enough. My mom does this thing sometimes when she's being critical of me where she laughs at me and talks to me like I'm a child. I felt like it went on forever just listening to the two of them criticize my work at school, and even suggesting I should drop out because "maybe school isn't for you". I didn't cry about any of this until just now while writing. It breaks my heart to think that my parents think so little of me that they would actually suggest I drop out of school. Part of me wishes they knew the whole story with JP. Maybe then they would understand why this semester was so hard for me. It wasn't just the adjustment of beginning school again. There were other factors at play that they simply have no idea about. My mom called me a liar when I told her I would be studying over the summer to prepare to take A&P again in the fall. She always assumes she knows better than anyone. I still haven't told her that I plan to join Josh 3 days a week during his internship as his aid. I will be getting paid to study while he works. I can't imagine her response when I tell her. Both of my parents are going to think we'll be hanging out the entire time and no studying will get done. They'll think me getting paid is a terrible idea (my mom already expressed this). My parents don't trust me to be an adult and to make adult choices. A&P caught me off guard and it was much more difficult than I thought possible. I didn't think parents existed to make you feel like shit over something you already know you fucked up. I accepted the fact that I failed and I moved forward. Failure is not easy for me to accept, but I had to. They decided to pick on me even more for my shortcomings. My mom always tries to twist and contort things in a way that make me sound crazy. She blames things on my mental state and tries to connect dots that aren't there. She thinks I found a boyfriend just to distract myself from work, like somehow I wanted to fail. She doesn't see how hard I work or how I study or how I do homework. When I'm home with her, I try to hang out with her and spend time together. I guess because of that, she doesn't see me studying. It's a lose/lose. I hate how depressed I get over this kind of thing. I just hate being a failure. A few years ago my mom called me a failure, and I never forgot that. I cried for hours after that. Those words still echo in my head every time I get a bad grade or I don't feel like I'm performing up to her standards. I hate being my fucked up self.

Broken U

I have officially passed my road test. When I was told I had passed, my heart skipped a beat and I became so thrilled and happy. Having my license doesn't mean a lot here in NY since I don't have my own car. Between gas and insurance and upkeep and the car itself, it isn't worth it. Instead, I will be using my license to travel who knows where with Josh. We can finally go places without his mother driving us. We'll be like a real adult couple instead of young high schoolers being shuttled by mothers everywhere they go. Josh and I are already planning adventures and fun trips for the summer. Places to eat, things to see, and activities to do. He asked me today if I still see him being in my life. I think questions like those are so silly. If I didn't want something serious, I wouldn't be doing what I do or saying what I say. I've learned to speak my mind more often and voice my feelings. My parents were so happy and proud of me for passing my road test. Slowly but surely, I'm growing up. I remember when I graduated from high school and I thought that would be the summer of freedom. Fuck that. This is going to be the summer I've been wishing for for so many years. I have a license, a means to get around with my amazing boyfriend, plenty of plans and ideas, and a lot of new people to meet.
Josh's graduation dinner is fast approaching, and that means socializing. All of his friends and family want to meet me and find out who this new girlfriend is in Josh's life. It's intimidating to meet all of those people who hold so much meaning to Josh. But just like my road test, I have to keep calm. As long as I act natural and like my usual lovable self, I'll pass the family/friends test. Vroom vroom - into my future I go.

Shine

This semester is ending for me soon and I am thrilled. I'm going to have a summer of fun and happiness and spending time with someone I care about more than anything. Josh doesn't know this (yet), but when I get lonely I look at pictures of him on Facebook. They range from recently all the way back to his first day of college, and maybe even a little before that. Seeing him as such a little baby faced kid going into college blows my mind. 4yrs later and here he is with me, graduating. It's so cool to look back on someone's life before you knew them. I almost want to jump through the screen and tell him about the awesome relationship we're having present day. It really is crazy how people seem to come out of the wood work and make themselves such an integral part of our lives. I  still think back to first seeing him online. I saw he lived in New Jersey and had to think about whether that was something that could be overcome. Then when I realized he was in a wheelchair, I worried that it would complicate things too much. Ultimately, what did I have to lose? Josh was such a great and funny guy when we started talking, and it made all the 'complications' fade away. At that same time when Josh and I started talking, I was also talking with another guy. I wanted a date with him so bad until Josh came in and rocked the boat. Within a week of meeting online, we met in person. It was such a surreal experience seeing him in the flesh. But that's what I always think back to - on an almost daily basis. Some cute guy online is now my boyfriend, and hopefully my future husband.
My life hasn't followed the script I wrote when I was a young girl. Not at all. But I think I finally am getting my life together again. School isn't the greatest of places, or even the greatest of my successes, but I am making it through. My depression and anxiety still catch up with me every once in a while, but the medication and weekly therapy helps that a little. I have a guy who accepts whatever my case may be. If I fail in school, I'll just be a stay at home mom according to him. That's always floated in the back of my mind, but I never want to be seen as a featherbrain. Josh doesn't see my academic struggles as being a matter of the intelligence, but just a matter of the class and it's difficulty. I only have a few more weeks left. Then summer is mine. The beaches are mine. Josh is mine. The fire pit is mine. The pool is mine. Sleep is mine. Relaxation is mine. And best of all, I think I might finally become who I'm meant to be. Not in the grand scheme of things. But just who I am on a basic level. I don't know what I am yet. Am I an asshole? Probably. Am I feminine? That could be argued. Am I shy? Kind of. But what attributes will define me? My great-grandmother was a known big mouth. She said what she thought with no filter whatsoever. My grandfather, her son, was the same way but with a little more of a filter. Then came my mom who is capable of tearing someone a new asshole from words only. Where does that leave me? Am I going to be like that? Will I be more reserved? It sounds so silly putting it into words, but it's something I think about all the time. I have the same thoughts as my great-grandmother, but I rarely have the incentive to say them. I believe that's something that I can figure out soon enough. I think. Who knows. I don't.