Love Yourz

I had my first sleepover ever alone with a boyfriend. We left work in the city a little early and drove back to his house where we picked up his nephew and went bowling. It was late by the time we got home, so I showered quickly and got into bed with him. I was afraid I'd be cold, because I'm always cold. But I guess I underestimated the body heat. It was an intimate night. He fell asleep first, and I listened to him softly breathing. Then I looked at him and put my nose gently against his, and I watched him sleep for a little while. It took some time to get adjusted to the new environment, but I eventually passed out. I was told I sleep like a "spider monkey". I had my legs draped over his and cuddled as close as I could into his chest. He said he had actually kissed me a few times in my sleep, but I guess I was too exhausted to notice.
We got up bright and early, and left his house around 7am to get to his law school orientation. It was a big day for him. I sat through 3hrs of legal lectures that made no sense to me. I guess he could see how tired and bored I was there, so he decided to skip the rest of the day and leave early with me to get lunch on our own. We went to a bbq place close by and had our usual fun lunch dates. I still feel a little full from that meal. Him leaving that day early meant a lot to me. I didn't ask for it. I signed up to spend the full 8-ish hours there with him. He decided I was more important than the boring formalities of an orientation. I was happy but still felt a little guilty. That was his chance to meet some of the people in his class and he chose me instead. Bittersweet, but more sweet.
Taking the train home gave me time to think and listen to music. A song came on called Love Yourz by J. Cole. It really hit me hard. It's about learning to love your life, no matter the situations you may be in. I'm slowly coming to that part of my life. I haven't gotten there yet. I don't completely love my life or am totally satisfied. But I love the idea of coming to terms with yourself and your life. Shit happens but it all happens for a reason. There will always be someone out there who has it worse than you. But in contrast, there will always be someone who has it better. The goal is to come to terms with that and love what you have instead of lusting for something bigger or better. Nobody's life is perfect, but it's all about how you look at things. I've never been the optimistic type, but I'm really trying to see things in new ways to benefit my life and my attitude. The small changes add up over time. "For what's money without happiness? Or hard times wthout the people you love? Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next, I asked for the strength from the Lord up above"

All the Way Up

I just slightly missed the date but yesterday would have been JP and I's 2yr anniversary. I look back on that entire relationship and wonder what I was doing and why. I'm a completely different person now than I was even 6 months ago. I still have many flaws and quirks, but they're all embraced and loved. Every bump and bruise is met with a teasing comment instead of suspicion and doubt. Josh was almost like a gentle spring rain for me. He carefully watered me and encouraged me to grow. He didn't press for any details of my past or where I had been. He waited and let me talk to him in my own time. The layers have been peeling away faster than I thought possible. I feel cleansed. I don't know if that makes sense to someone not in my own brain. I feel truly happy and satisfied with my life as a whole. Of course it has its moments of chaos and stress, but I feel like I can handle that better. My medication decreased with my downer so now I'm a little more happy and slightly manic. I'd rather be happy and a little manic every once in a while than be sad and depressed. I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I'll be for the rest of my life. I've learned from my years of being a psychology major that peoples' personalities and traits don't fully develop until the early to mid-20s. I never thought I'd change, let alone in such a short period - but who am I to complain. I like this me better. I still need to work on things but nobody is perfect. I'm just lucky I found the person I can be imperfect with for a very very long time.

Observations

I've been noticing some changes in myself lately. I've had a lot of free time to think and evaluate how I've changed in the last few months. I've noticed myself being a lot more outspoken and willing to talk to people. Phone calls still scare me and so does contact with strangers. But I'm working on it and really think I've come far. I feel much more independent too. I can talk to whoever I want and not get shit for it from Josh. My parents are also giving me more space to do what I want. They respect the fact that I wake up early just to see my boyfriend on one of my few days off. They don't question much by way of when I'll be home either when I work with him in the city during the week. They know that the relationship I'm having is a real adult relationship. We both work and go to school and make time for each other. He finally met my parents and they liked him. They see that he's a normal and very sweet guy. He has so much potential as a professional and even more potential as a partner for life. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. He understands every aspect of me. It's like I met my long lost best friend who I wanna spend every day with for the rest of my life.
In contrast to the good, I've also noticed myself getting very emotional at very small things. A commercial where a woman is playing with her kids? Tearing up. Billboard with cute animals? Tearing up. Ads for wedding movies? Tearing up. I've been so emotional in the last couple weeks and I don't really get why. Nothing has changed that recently or made that major of an impact. It's just the smallest things that seem to illicit a reaction. It's odd to me because I usually have such a thick skin, especially to nonsensical shit I see every day. Just thought I would note that. It's interesting being able to think so much in depth about yourself. But with a full 24+hrs a week of boredom at work with Josh, there's only so much internet a mind can take. Self-reflection is healthy to a point. I just hope I don't cross that point and end up driving myself mad. I'm rambling at this point and I can a kitten batting at my head. I'll continue to over analyze myself at a later date.

Communication is Futile

Before writing a new blog entry, I read the entry last published to see my train of thought and where I was. I avoided this post the most. Even thinking about Scout brings me to a crippling depression. Like almost all of my negative emotions and feelings, I push it back into the depths of my mind. I don't think about it or talk about it. I keep all of those bad things to myself. Why poison a positive chapter of my life with something I know will hurt me? I still haven't appropriately mourned for Scout. I haven't sat down and just bawled and let it out. I told myself I'd do it later and never got around to it. It sounds so mechanical, but it truly is what I do. Of course I've cried a little through the initial shock and at a couple dog videos I've seen online. But not the meaningful kind of crying. The kind that after you do it, you feel relief - or at least somewhat better. I've spoken about my lack of communication with my feelings to my therapist lately. She obviously told me it was because of other deep-seeded issues I have. I've never been one to easily communicate. I told her that I felt like I don't express to Josh enough how much he means to me in person, face to face. I find it so hard to do that. Even though it's something positive, it still feels forced and disjointed when I try. I've grown to have a smart mouth and very dry sense of humor, and you probably wouldn't think I'd be the kind of person to be so reserved about silly things like telling my boyfriend how much I care about him. I'm not the only one who feels this way either about my disjointed communication. JP used to tell me the same thing, almost daily. I don't know if Josh fully recognizes my issues with communication, but I do. I see it and I want to fix it. When I found out about Scout, I used simple words to express how I felt, like 'sad'. I just kept repeating to him how 'sad' I was, like I was a child who couldn't communicate properly. Once again, I'm sweeping my emotions and feelings under the rug. My desire to ignore them is stronger than my desire to face them. One day I'll change.