Communication is Futile

Before writing a new blog entry, I read the entry last published to see my train of thought and where I was. I avoided this post the most. Even thinking about Scout brings me to a crippling depression. Like almost all of my negative emotions and feelings, I push it back into the depths of my mind. I don't think about it or talk about it. I keep all of those bad things to myself. Why poison a positive chapter of my life with something I know will hurt me? I still haven't appropriately mourned for Scout. I haven't sat down and just bawled and let it out. I told myself I'd do it later and never got around to it. It sounds so mechanical, but it truly is what I do. Of course I've cried a little through the initial shock and at a couple dog videos I've seen online. But not the meaningful kind of crying. The kind that after you do it, you feel relief - or at least somewhat better. I've spoken about my lack of communication with my feelings to my therapist lately. She obviously told me it was because of other deep-seeded issues I have. I've never been one to easily communicate. I told her that I felt like I don't express to Josh enough how much he means to me in person, face to face. I find it so hard to do that. Even though it's something positive, it still feels forced and disjointed when I try. I've grown to have a smart mouth and very dry sense of humor, and you probably wouldn't think I'd be the kind of person to be so reserved about silly things like telling my boyfriend how much I care about him. I'm not the only one who feels this way either about my disjointed communication. JP used to tell me the same thing, almost daily. I don't know if Josh fully recognizes my issues with communication, but I do. I see it and I want to fix it. When I found out about Scout, I used simple words to express how I felt, like 'sad'. I just kept repeating to him how 'sad' I was, like I was a child who couldn't communicate properly. Once again, I'm sweeping my emotions and feelings under the rug. My desire to ignore them is stronger than my desire to face them. One day I'll change.