(Don't) Stop Believing

I went to a wedding tonight. It was my first wedding, and it was all I could have hoped for. A gorgeous bride, lovely venue, delicious food, and old friends who I hadn't seen in years. As I was speeding to get to the wedding in time it dawned on me how suddenly life seems to be progressing. I'm getting to the age where everyone around me seems to either be engaged, married, and/or pregnant. People are trading in their part time minimum wage jobs for their real life careers and aspirations. I definitely see what people mean when they say life goes faster the older you get. I always thought it was bullshit. But I'm turning 24 in a couple months and it's scary. Not to sound cliché, but what is the meaning of life? Why do we have to work until we die? Is there no living left in life?

A few weeks ago my dad was in a car accident. Multiple cracked ribs, fractured shoulder, banged up knee, and a (literally) bruised heart. I was at work when it happened, and wasn't aware of the extent of my dad's injuries until he went to the emergency room later that day. The accident wouldn't have happened if I was home. I was making up hours at work because I had been given the chance to go home early on Halloween, and I jumped at the chance of seeing little kids in costumes. I didn't realize that me deciding to take Halloween off would indirectly result in my dad getting so badly injured. He goes to physical therapy every other week and so far has accrued $50k in medical bills. There are attorneys involved because it was someone else that caused the accident. The medical bills are being sent to the other attorney for he and his douchebag of a client to figure out. But I can't help but think that I'm still indirectly the cause of the accident. It wouldn't have happened if I were home like I normally would be on the day it happened. Having to get briefed on all of the medical and lawsuit developments is a lot. I'm glad my dad is mostly in one piece, but he could have easily died. All it takes is one split second to change an entire scenario, and an entire life.

Life comes, and life goes. People get engaged, and married, and have kids. And while someone is bringing a new life into the world, another life leaves. It's a constant coming and going of life. I could be dead this time next week for all I know. None of us wake up knowing we'll die in a car accident today, and go to sleep thinking about how one small decision during the day could have completely changed the trajectory of our lives. What dictates who lives and dies? Sometimes it seems like world has no order to the chaos. "God's will" is bullshit.

Romulan Grapefruit

This summer has been wild. I haven't updated because so much has been happening. I got offered the job and now work full time as an analyst. Having a full time job isn't as bad as people say. It's a very laid back office with laid back people, and I genuinely like working 2-10pm. I've made friends with the night guard now and he's always nice to me. But I enjoy what I do and have met several good people. The sister of the man who owns the company I work for loves me. She wrote my supervisor an email gushing about how well I was doing and how much I impressed her. I've done so well since I started that I've already won an award for overall performance, but also am currently being cross-trained to begin a new project that only a select few have taken part in. I'm technically not supposed to share too much of what I do because I work with a lot of sensitive information relating to one of our biggest clients. Since taking this full time job, I've also managed to maintain both part time jobs. So now I work one full time and two part time jobs because I absolutely love working myself to the bone for no reason.
On the more sunny side of life I've had a very interesting summer. I saw both The Rolling Stones and The Who live in concert with insanely good seats for both. Seth and I went to see The Stones together and I will never forget the incredible time we had. Then a few weeks ago my dad and I saw The Who, and I will definitely never forget singing along to Pinball Wizard with my dad. Probably the most major thing that has happened was me buying my first car. My work schedule was getting too hectic and sharing a car with my dad was becoming impractical. I decided on the car I wanted then took weeks to visit dealerships and do homework on pricing. I was looking at pre-owned cars to save myself some money but at the end of the day it worked out better just to buy a brand new car. So now I have my very first car, and she is exactly what I wanted for both the interior and exterior. It's completely brand new so I'm the only one to ever really drive it, and that feels great. I've only had the car for a couple of weeks now but I'm in love, and I'm so proud to be able to say I bought it. I didn't lease it or buy pre-owned. I bought a brand new car and it feels amazing. I actually decided to finance half of it to give myself a credit boost.
I'm starting to learn more about what being an adult really is. I'm starting to learn about car payments, credit scores, bank checks, insurance, navigating office life, and becoming more responsible. It's a weird feeling to know you're getting older.

Memento Vivere

I've been feeling overwhelmed. I don't know how to put all of my stress into words, but I wish I did. My relationship with my sub has ended in a very unpleasant way. He and I parted ways and ended things on a good note but he refuses to leave things be. He became very nasty and began attacking my character, and saying things that were out of line. I ended up having to block his number because of the inordinate amount of texts I would get from him in short spans of time. So dealing with that "break up" has been stressful.
My mom has also been pushing a full time job with me. I still don't understand the purpose of stressing myself out with a full time job that doesn't benefit my life or career. I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would have hours from 2pm - 10pm. I would have to do my hours at the lab in the mornings from 9am - 1pm twice a week in addition to the full time job. That would equate to my days starting at 7am and not getting home until 11pm. My mom sees no issue with this.
Seth and I have had almost no time together in the couple months because of my mom cracking down on my "social life". I very rarely see any of my friends and it makes me so sad. I wish I could go on road trips or out to a bar or be reckless for a night and not get penalized. I want to be a normal 23yr old. I depend on drugs to help me stay "normal" and stable. Every night I wish I didn't need them. I feel as if I'm crumbling inside. I keep on a facade of strength and sarcasm and somewhat happiness, but it gets tiring. Some nights I tell people I'm going to bed early and just lay there in bed letting my mind run wild with anxiety and depressive thoughts and feelings. I think about all of the things I regret in life, and all of things I wish I had done. I get angry at myself for choosing certain paths and allowing myself to waste time on certain people. I would give anything to go back in time and tell myself not to make those decisions. I drive myself crazy with thoughts that I can't control. Every night I drug myself up just so I can sleep. I hate who I am and what I've become. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel as if no one knows me, but sometimes I also feel like people know me too well. If only there were an easy way to hit the reset button on life.

God Only Knows

Being home hasn't been fun. The weather is cold and rainy, and I've had to refocus my mind on work and school. I can no longer wake up and lazily read in my hammock. I wake up to my alarm alerting me that yet another dreaded day has begun. I have my first sun spot on my right forearm that I got while away on vacation. Now I look at that and think back to all the adventures and cool things I saw. It was all completely worth the sun damage. My tan has surprisingly stuck around, which shocked pretty much everyone. My legs are decently tanned instead of the pale ghostly white they usually are.
I've officially applied for a graduate program beginning in the fall. I was very late with my applications because of a professor who screwed me over for a letter of recommendation. Only one program was still open for admission so I applied. Now it is the waiting game. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with a prominent hospital in the city. They seem interested in taking me on for a research position, so I am excited for the interview.
By way of my personal life things haven't changed very much. I went to therapy with my parents and it got heated. Not much was solved, but we agreed to meet back again soon. My parents are both pushing me very hard with graduate school and finding a full time job. It's hard to enjoy life and hang out with my friends when I feel so pressured all the time. I worked my entire way through college, sometimes even working multiple jobs. I maintained my full time status as a student while working those jobs and keeping my GPA up. I would like to think I deserve some time to breathe. I spent a night at Josh's last week and it was a much needed mental break. We ordered pizza and got high and hung out all night. We made mac n cheese around midnight then eventually went to bed at some point. We slept in the same bed just like we used to do when we dated. Having someone to snuggle with is always a really nice feeling. Even though it was just one night I very much enjoyed the time away from home and my normal life. On my travel home I ended up seeing Leo for about an hour and we commuted together. It was a very pleasant surprise. I've felt in a pretty good headspace since then. I'm trying to be less harsh on myself and allow myself to enjoy things more. I spoiled myself earlier today and bought a cute resin cat online that has pretty rainbow flecks in it along with actual marijuana buds. It fits my aesthetic perfectly and I figured it was a good opportunity to show some self love. Seth also surprised me with a very plush and cozy dinosaur onesie. Dinosaurs are a running theme in our relationship, so it was a very sweet and thoughtful gift. He told me one of the first times he truly felt he loved me was when he read me The Sound of Thunder by Ray Bradbury as we sat under "our tree" on campus. (I highly recommend it if you're looking for an compelling quick read)
In other somewhat personal news, I got a mysterious package in the mail last weekend. It was a dress that I had not ordered. None of my friends or family sent it to me, and I'm unsure of where it came from. It makes me somewhat uneasy that someone is willing to send things to my home. I have had multiple people act "creepy" towards me before, and I'm unsure as to if this package is from one of those people. It is unsettling that someone feels as if it's ok to cross those boundaries. Nothing was inside the package to indicate who or where it came from other than the Amazon envelope. Needless to say, I am on guard and even more stressed because of it. The package may have been intended as a nice gesture, but it is just the opposite. It leaves me wondering not just who sent it, but why?

We Have Always Lived in the Villa

Right now I'm sitting in a hammock. The sun is shining bright, and I hear nothing but chirping birds and rustling palm trees. My dad is in the pool enjoying the warm water and breeze. I have a can of coconut soda next to me, along with a book I've just finished reading. Seth gave me a few books a little while ago, and I decided to bring a couple with me. People say there is nothing to do on this island, but I beg to differ. We've done many activities here, and seen so many wonderful things. My phone is almost full with the pictures I've taken. The water is crystal clear with a baby blue tint, and the sky is mostly devoid of clouds. The heat can be intense, but I love it. Every morning I sit in my hammock and read. I wear a bikini top with a pair of shorts to keep cool, and bring a can of my coconut soda. I spend a couple hours enjoying the breeze and getting immersed in my book. I sway gently with the breeze and sometimes put my head up to the sky and close my eyes. I want to take in those moments of peace for when my life is not so peaceful. I can remember the times of happiness in my hammock; the taste of coconut soda on my lips, the feeling of the breeze rocking my hammock, and the faint smell of ocean air mixed with sunscreen. At night I swim in the pool and look up at the stars. There is a bright blue one to the west, and a duller red one more towards the horizon in the same direction. I watch as they softly flicker, and I wonder how far they are. I wonder if we'll ever land on those stars, or even see them up close. I watch the moon as it shines so brightly, but still remains demure. The rustling palm trees are constant. The trade winds keep the palm trees and ocean waves active. I think to myself if this will be the last vacation where my parents will be active enough to partake in adventures. We went for a UTV tour of the island yesterday and I've never had so much fun in my life. My highest speed was 78mph, and the terrain was something I had never driven on before. It was rocky and bumpy and uneven, and it was beautiful. Touring the island in that way allowed us to see the island for what it is. Not a monotonous tourist attraction or a boring island with nothing to do. It is a beautiful place with beautiful views and beautiful nature. Everything here is beautiful, and I never want to leave. I'm sure I'll read this post back to myself when I'm home and missing my hammock swaying in the breeze. I'll close my eyes and imagine the sun shining on my face and the breeze wildly blowing my hair. I'll look at the pictures and dream of returning. Maybe some day. Or maybe not at all.

Rite of Movement

He laid on my stomach and I put my hand on his back. His skin felt soft against mine. I felt his facial hair graze my naval as he spoke. I looked at the birthmark on his back and started to circle it with my finger. He made a movie reference, as is his style, and we had a brief exchange, then continued to lay there in silence. I continued to circle the mark with my finger and gently scratch his back. There's something about silence that brings out someone's true feelings. He was gentle and soft, as was I. We rarely show that side of ourselves to other people, but we become soft around each other. There are times when I see his eyes shift from being playful or witty to loving and adoring. I continued to lightly scratch his back and think about how much I would miss him. How I would look back on that moment and miss it so dearly. The feel of his skin on mine, the light tickling of his facial hair, the smell of his sweat mixed with mine, and even the birthmark on his back. He made me promise him something, and I couldn't help but smile. Sometimes it's the little things that count the most. It's very cliche sounding, but it is true. In that moment it was just he and I, and two bags of mini Reese's peanutbutter cups.

John, Calvin, and Chanel

Since taking the GRE I feel as if a lot has happened, but at the same time like nothing has happened. To celebrate the GRE and just spend some time together, Leo and I hung out for an entire day. He picked me up and we went back to his place. We had the house to ourselves so I got him high for the first time. We were cooking food, taking hits, and listening to some music. It was overall pretty fun. We watched Napoleon Dynamite which I hadn't seen in many many years, and it was funnier than I remembered. My memory is somewhat cloudy, but he and I ended up sleeping together on his couch. Or at least I slept. I somehow ended up on top of him laying on his chest and fell asleep. Apparently while asleep there was a moment where I pulled him closer to me. I want to convince myself it was just a primal instinct for warmth or comfort, but from a psychological perspective usually gripping someone close to you means you love them deeply. I do love Leo very deeply, but there are lines that cannot be crossed at this point in time. I have my own things going on with Seth and he has his dealing with someone else as well. Neither of us are mentally or emotionally ready to try some form of a dating relationship just yet. We've both thought about it and expressed interest in trying it, so there is potential. We're both single and don't have much to lose. One of the reasons why I am apprehensive is that I don't want to ruin our friendship. I was lucky with Josh in that he and I are still close and talk frequently. There were rough patches, but I still consider us very good friends. However, that is unfortunately more so the exception to the rule. Most relationships end in a messy disaster that leaves both parties broken and hurt. I don't want to have that with Leo and I. It's still an avenue that needs to be explored, but for now I am steering clear of that boundary.
On the more practical adult end of life I interviewed for the job at the hospital twice now. The first time went very well. I met with the woman I would be replacing along with a person who would train me for the position. The meeting went exceedingly well in my opinion. It went well enough to warrant a second interview, and this time with the doctor who I would be working for. I was most nervous for that meeting, and I'm still unsure of how it went. It was difficult at times to gauge his thoughts or reactions, but overall I believe I did well. I should be hearing back in a 2-3 weeks as to whether I'm moving to the next round or have outright been chosen for the position. I hope I get the job. It's everything I could ever hope for all in one job. The experience would be priceless, and that job would look incredible on a resume in the future. There is also potential to perform my own research. I also invested nearly $200 in professional clothing, so I better get back that investment.
After the secondary interview with the doctor, Seth and I went out to lunch. We had a casual lunch date and it was pleasant. We went back to his house after lunch, and I spent a lot of time on the floor with his dogs. I was in a white button up tucked into grey work pants with nice black boots, and I was promptly covered in dog hair. One of the dogs is a beefy Victorian Bulldog who loves to wrestle and play. We played fetch for a little while then I snuggled up next to the other dog who is a very wrinkly Pug Sharpei mix. She is smaller than the other two dogs, but definitely has some attitude. She warmed up to me right away when I first met her, and Seth's entire family said they had never seen her love someone so quickly. She and I sat on the couch together watching Seth rough house with the bulldog. After a while of hanging out with his sister and the dogs we retreated to his room. We had celebratory interview sex then cuddled up with Netflix. We were watching a show when he pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. I squeezed him back and we both smiled. After another round, Seth was sitting on the edge of the bed. I came up behind him, hugged him, and put my face against his bare shoulder. I saw him smile and I told him I loved him. He reciprocated the sentiment and we stayed there for a few moments. I felt his breathing and how soft his skin felt on my cheek. I closed my eyes and let out a content sigh. He asked if I was happy, and I told him how much he meant to me. We lingered in the tender moment for a little while longer before I had to leave. Those moments are what help me reconsile my feelings when it comes to the other girl in the picture. I know he has his fun weekends or nights with her, but he always comes back to me. I have dinner with his family and play with his dogs and hang out with his sister. I know his strengths and weaknesses and insecurities. We have a weekly date night and always try to see each other at least twice a week. I know that I am more meaningful to him than she is. She is purely a sexual being that he has fun with, and does things with that I am not capable of doing. It sounds like a petty thing to say, but I also feel as if I am better looking and in better shape. He himself has said she isn't the prettiest. Anyway, it is those sweet moments he and I share that define us as lovers. He is such a tender person, and not many people see that side of him. I know for a fact that she does not. Under his rough exterior is a wonderful human being whom I love very much. He is dear to me, and I know those feelings are  reciprocated without a doubt. Whoever ends up dating him in the future will be a very lucky woman. 
Anyway. On a fun (less emotional) side note, I may need dental surgery for an impacted wisdom tooth. I'm seeing a dentist tomorrow about it. It's gotten progressively worse over the last 24hrs and I'm somewhat scared of what the dentist will say. I will most likely need surgery to remove it which I am not looking forward to. I took some percocet earlier and the pain still hasn't diminished enough for my liking. I'm not sure how I will sleep until this is resolved, but something tells me it will be torture.

297

I took the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) today. I bought a review book for the exam that contained pertinent information and practice tests. Imagine the SATs you took in high school, but on steroids. Included in the GRE are two math sections. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate math and am terrible at it. I'm not sure how, but I was miraculously able to enlist Leo as my personal math tutor. We Skyped the last couple days for many many hours doing the ridiculous math problems and talking through the steps. I wasn't sure if the tutoring would have any effect since my memory is usually shitty at best. What if I completely forget everything he took the time to explain to me?
As I was driving to the exam center I was blasting my recent song obsession on a loop and singing along to try and avoid the anxiety. I got mildly lost on my way there, but that isn't out of character for me. I got to the center early, so I decided to go over my notes one last time. I skimmed through the pages and began to feel a minor panic. I closed the books and forced myself out of the car. I made my way to the testing rooms and I became eerily calm. I took a deep breath before starting the timer for the test. I was nervous, but felt a slight sense of confidence. I made my way to the math sections, and was baffled for some of the questions. I made educated (sometimes random) guesses and hoped for the best. I finished the test with time to spare. I clicked forward a couple pages until I saw my score. It gave me individual scores from both the math and reading comprehension sections. I added up the scores and ended up with 297. I sat there for a minute feeling confused and somewhat baffled. I double checked my math and determined that I was correct the first time. I made my way out of the testing room and grabbed my phone. I did the calculations for what my score translated to by way of a percentage. I got an 87 on my first try taking the GRE. People study for months and take prep courses before actually taking the exam. I only had a few weeks (but didn't really study too intensely until last week) to study and didn't take a prep course at all. Somehow I managed to work/bullshit my way through a fairly difficult test. I know people who have taken it several times and not gotten above an 80. I would give my stunningly fantastic guessing skills all the credit, but Leo deserves most of the accolades for this achievement. He took time out of his life to attempt to tutor me. It is nearly impossible to explain math to me in a way I will actually understand, but he did it. He sacrificed valuable sleep and time to help me, and it seemed to have actually worked. What he gets out of helping me I will probably never know or understand. I'm going over to his place on Sunday and I'm getting him high for the first time. I'm wondering what his reaction will be and what his tolerance is like.
Now that the GRE is over I have time to relax and breathe for a little while. The potential job is sounding more and more positive as time goes on, so I'm not running myself ragged job hunting per usual. I'm in a good place right now. I hope it lasts for a while this time. That would be nice.

Two Dots and a Lollipop

I can't believe I've let a month go by without a post. This feels like the fastest January in recent memory. While it feels like it's gone by extremely quickly, a lot has happened.
I've been applying for jobs nonstop. I need something to fill my time before graduate school. I've applied to one program thus far, but I still need to apply to several. It feels like all I do is job hunt, go to work, and occasionally see a friend (mainly Seth). The job search has been very dry with little to no interest or follow up from potential employers. However, I got a call today. I was at an arcade with Seth playing our favorite giant Pac-Man game when I got the call. I didn't have my phone on me at the time, so I missed it. As soon as I checked my phone when we got back to the car I saw I had a voicemail. It was from one of the hospitals I had applied to. The man said that he saw my application and I was definitely qualified for the position, but there was another job he thought may fit my interests better. Most of the jobs I've been applying to have been menial secretarial or assistant positions that ultimately I wouldn't mind leaving behind when grad school begins. However, this position was different. The man said there was going to be a position opening up in the research department of a local psychiatric hospital. I immediately called him back and we spoke briefly. He said he would pass along my application to the research department and have them determine the next step. I sat there in silence for a few seconds after hanging up the phone and Seth grabbed my hand and congratulated me on finally getting a call back. We sat in silence for a little while, and I began to tear up. I've been applying for jobs for so long and have heard nothing back. But now not only have I heard back, but I could potentially be offered a full-time research position at a psychiatric hospital right out of undergrad. I wiped away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and changed the topic. We discussed where we would eat, and eventually chose a place. For the remaining couple hours together I was mostly pretty quiet. I was in a state of shock. I dropped Seth off at home then drove to pick my mom up from work. I told her about the potential job and she was happy for me. I told my dad as soon as we got home and he was even happier than my mom. I sent the guy who called me a followup email, and I hope to hear back tomorrow. Maybe my streak of being bored and depressed around the house all day is coming to an end.
Between the busy days of job hunting and working, I've been fitting in some fun activities. My dad said last week that I am now 23 and should be enjoying my youth while I still have time before I start a full-time job or begin graduate school. Just last week I went out for weekly date night with Seth and I tried cow tongue and intestine. Most people wouldn't find those kinds of things appealing, but I've always loved trying new things. Food is something I genuinely love, so when the opportunity arises for me to try something new I very rarely turn it down (if ever). Leo has also been a major part of my enjoying the more fun and adventurous things in life. He took me rock climbing a couple weeks ago and I loved it. My body hurt for about a week afterwards, but I think it was worth it. I had a lot of fun and gained some experience doing something completely new. Another incredible thing he treated me to was surprising me with a shooting range. Leo has known that I've wanted to learn about guns and how to use them for a while now. He has prior experience with guns, so the introductory course was mainly for me. I shot 2 different kinds of guns and did well over all. My parents, our instructor, and Leo all said I did well for my first time ever handling a gun. I kept both of my targets, and have them next to my bed. I also took a casing from each of the guns I shot which I keep on my dresser.
My 2019 seems to be starting out on the right foot. The job search has been very stressful, depressing, and anxiety-inducing, but it looks as if that may change. If this job ends up happening, it would not start until April. That would give me a couple of months to relax and enjoy my life a little before settling into a job. There are many things going through my head in regards to this potential job, but I will cross some of those bridges when I get to them. In the mean time, all I can hope for is some good luck and fun new adventures to have while I still can.

X-T-C

This is my first post since the end of 2018. A lot happened this past year. It almost doesn't feel real in some ways. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with Josh, met Seth, broke up with Josh, started an interesting relationship with Seth, graduated from undergrad with my BA, and got rejected from graduate school. It's been a mix of a lot of good and bad things. One thing I haven't mentioned on here is that I've become involved with another guy besides Seth. He lives in Las Vegas, and is a good friend of Seth's. He gave me his number because we have some things in common and thought we would get along. I found out after the fact that his intention was to have us hook up. Seth knows that he's my security blanket and I always want to cling to him without going out on my own. This was his way of giving me a little push in the right direction and expanding me beyond my comfort zone of just him. Let's call this new guy Skye. Skye is an awesome person, and we do have a lot in common. We met for the first time about a week ago after texting for a few weeks since he was in town for the holidays. After much hesitation on my end, he and I hooked up. I was very careful not to put myself or Seth at risk by doing something sexually unsafe. A new and odd component to this relationship is that I've taken on the rope of a dom, and he the sub. I was unsure as to how it would go because I've never done anything like that before. Apparently I'm a natural. It felt good having an outlet for my anger and frustration about life. I won't go into great detail, but there were many things I had never tried before and I loved every second of it. Skye will only be in town once every couple months, so he'll be a fun boy toy to have. However, Seth is still my #1 by far.
After Seth spending Christmas Eve with my family, I spent New Year's Eve with his. I picked him up from work and we drove around a neighborhood by his house checking out houses and criticizing them like architects. I very much enjoyed laughed and having fun alone with him. We eventually made our way to his house, and his parents greeted me. We all talked for a bit, then Seth and I retreated to his room. It started out with us looking at some old kid's books and photos, and me pinching his cheeks telling him how cute he was (and still is). I was laying on his bed talking to him, and he told me to give him my glasses. He was far enough away from me that I couldn't give it to him without getting up. I got up and gave them to him, then he told me to undress. I knew what that meant. I was excited. I did what was asked of me, and things began. I'll spare most of the details, but there were important moments. Seth used rope and tied my hands behind my back in a tight knot. I was restrained with the rope, and he ran it between my legs so he could control me. He and I had talked about things like that. I wanted to try it, but I was hesitant because of the abuse from my past. I didn't want to trigger a panic attack because I felt restrained and powerless. Everything went ok to begin with, then he threw me onto the bed and wrapped the rope around my neck. He started to choke me with the rope, and I was scared at first. But he broke the dom persona for a moment (which is a huge no no when in the middle of sex like that) to ask if I felt comfortable and safe. Just him asking that made me feel at ease. I told him yes and we kept going. I wanted to push my boundaries and see where it led me. Surprisingly, I mostly enjoyed the venture. He and I spoke about it once we were done. The fact that he took his time and wanted to make sure I was ok meant a lot to me. He ensured I had a way out in case I was too scared or uncomfortable with things. I told him I wanted to try new things, and he made sure to do it in such a way that still made me feel safe with the illusion of being trapped and helpless. However, the rope let marks around my neck that I'm now having to cover with makeup. While that part is annoying, I think over all it was worth it. We had dinner with his family and talked for a couple hours. There were a lot of laughs and good discussion. After we had dessert, Seth and I returned to his room for rounds 2 and 3. Afterwards, we just laid there together talking and hanging out on his bed. That level of intimacy is something I never have with him. We were always doing it on the fly, trying not to get caught by someone on campus. Having the ability to just lay there together after things settled down was an incredible feeling. The hours went by faster than usual, and before we knew it it was almost midnight. We made a fire in the living room and we all gathered around the TV to watch the countdown. As the ball reached the bottom Seth kissed me sweetly, and we both smiled. We continued to talk a while with his parents, and eat cookies that his mom made. After a while, I needed to leave to get home. It would make sense for me to stay the night to avoid any drunk drivers, but my parents would never allow that. As soon as I departed I already missed him. I missed playing with his hair and earlobes, and teasing him because of his baby pictures. I missed his voice and the way he held my hand. Most of all I missed the looks he would give me. Every once in a while I would look over and catch him giving me these looks of adoration and love. Something in his eyes spoke to me what words couldn't express. He's a great person with great intentions, and an even greater heart. My birthday is this Saturday, and Seth insists we go out. He wants to take me to one of his favorite bakeries in the city, then I want to show him a mineral/fossil store that I love. Then we'll maybe do a museum and dinner, then head home. It meant a lot to me that he insisted we go out for my birthday. He knows my family doesn't do much to celebrate my birthday, and wanted to still make it special for me. It was extremely sweet of him. That soft side of him is something not a lot of people see. Seth is very rough around the edges, and he isn't for everyone. He tends to be a bit crass and harsh in the things he says. But on the inside he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. After I got home, I asked Seth what his parents thought of me. His mother thought I was very sweet, and his father was impressed with how openly I spoke my mind and shared different opinions. It meant a lot for his parents to like me and genuinely enjoy having me over.
While 2018 was a crazy year for me, I hope 2019 is filled with even more positive things for me to write about on here. My New Year's resolution is to learn how to love and accept myself. I've never given myself much value, and I want to change that. 2019 is going to be a big year, and I'll look back and read this on New Year's Day in 2020. I want to be able to accomplish my goals and become a better me. In doing this I feel like I will finally learn to be happy, and happiness is truly all I want from life.