Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows

The last week or so has put my life into perspective. I'm usually the one in my group who listens to your problems and gives advice, and I love it. I love helping my friends and seeing them happy. Leo has been working through some tough shit for a while, but the weight is just too heavy for one person to carry. I remember a point in my own life not too long ago where I felt like everything was pointless. I felt like a waste of space and I was good for nothing. Being a depressed and anxious perfectionist is very difficult. But then my life actually got better. I met new people, reconnected with old friends, and saw that life can be just as sweet as it is sour. A coworker of mine, Gurmeet, has also become a close friend. We spoke on the phone for over 3 1/2 a few days ago. We both cried and laughed and swapped stories from our lives. He came out to me as being gay. It meant the world to me that he trusted me with that. Prior to him telling me, he had never said it out loud before. He told me about his home life, specifically his mother. We just kept talking well into the night. We worked together yesterday and I brought him a little bag of chocolates. I've been making homemade chocolates with fun fillings, so I made him his own special ones. In return, he bought me lunch. We bust each other's balls at work, and bicker like a married couple. But when we actually sit down and talk, it's such a beautiful friendship. With that being said, my I sometimes take my life for granted. I've gone through some tough shit in my life. Shit that I would never wish on anyone. Memories and thoughts still haunt me time to time. But my life in the here and now is sunshine and unicorns compared to Leo and Gurmeet. I've hit a few rough patches recently, but we all do. When I think about how much my life sucks sometimes, I think about how others have it so much worse.

20 Signs...

I started back up at school and my life has been filled with the usual nonsense. The classes are easy, and even enjoyable. The only challenge is Italian II. I barely remember Italian I so it's been an interesting ride trying to figure it out all at once. Yoga has been nice, and relaxing. I can finally use my mat again, after almost a full year of collecting dust. Archery has been fun as well. I'm one of the few in my class that has shot before, and it's seen clearly in my target by the time I finish. History is boring, but I have Kristen to help get me through it. English is interesting. I'm taking an autobiography class. We have to write about our lives and experiences. At 21, I've been through more than a lot of adults can say. Seeing where the memoir papers lead me will be interesting.
Josh and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary next month. It seems like so long ago, but at the same time it feels like only a couple months at most. I read this article by Cosmo listing 20 signs you met your future husband. I read them and thought to myself that those 20 signs were completely true. Josh is perfect in every way. But I've been distant lately. The past couple weeks have been so weird. I love him completely to death, but it feels as if I'm loving him through a pane of glass. That's the best way I can think to describe it. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It isn't his fault, and I don't think it's mine. My past may play a part in some kind of attachment or commitment issues. I'm not really sure what it is. But I'm working to figure it out. I could spend days listing all of the reasons why Josh is perfect. I can also go on for days listing the reasons why I'm not perfect. And somewhere in that list is the answer as to why I feel this way. I think we all spent a part of our lives dreaming and creating this perfect mate. What color eyes they have, what exact color their skin will be, how long will their hair be, and what color? What kind of shows will they like, do they have pets, would they want kids, and how many? We secretly have this blueprint of our perfect soulmate in the back of our heads. I always figured I would settle for a great guy, but who was outside my plan. When I met Josh, the deal was done. He checked off everything I could have wanted in my future husband and more. He fit what I wanted, and what I needed in my life. So the question still remains: why am I trapped behind the pane of glass?

Normality

Atlantic City feels like a distant memory. It was only a week ago (around the same hour of night) that Josh and I were getting home from our first night at the casino. I'm looking at my duffel bag still packed on my bedroom floor, and the heels I wore to dinner sitting in the corner. I feel like sometimes I take things for granted. I live in the moment, but I feel like maybe I don't absorb them enough. I'd give anything to teleport back to exactly a week ago. I was free. No parents or work or obligations. Just me, Josh, casino chips, and free drinks. My life just seems so empty when Josh isn't with me, and texting doesn't always fix that. Sometimes texting grows wearisome and I want to see him in person. We're going to a concert this Saturday, so I'll be staying over then. I wish we were like a normal couple. I want to see him more than once a week, and for more than a few fleeting hours. I want to grab lunch just because we can. Or stay out late watching a movie. Or do brunch on Sundays with our families. I was thinking about it earlier, and it shocked me. Josh and my parents have really only had a sit down meet and greet once. We all went out to dinner and they met him face to face for the first time. They've seen him from the car or here and there, but that's really it. I know that he and my mom talk fairly often via text. I'm not always sure what it's regarding, but I think it's sweet. Then I think about the interaction I've had with his family. They treat me like one of their own. I see them just as often as I do Josh. His mom and I have bonded to the point of sharing clothes. This time last year, I had no idea who Josh was...but now, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I think he is quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

A Little Higher

The birthday trip has officially ended. I'm working at 7am tomorrow, so I'm heading home a couple hours early. The last few days have been nothing less than perfect.
I slept over at Josh's house Sunday night, and it was fun per usual. The next morning we departed for Atlantic City. It was about a 2 1/2hr drive, but we made it fun. We talked and sang along to music and wasted time doing whatever it is we do that makes time move so quickly. After we arrived, Josh showed me around the casino and I was definitely intimidated. I don't like new places that are totally unknown. I played a slot machine as my first game. I lost my first dollar, but I was OK with that. We went out to a nice dinner and got glasses of wine. I changed into comfy clothes and we settled in the casino playing roulette and black jack (my favorite). The first night I actually came home with a profit of $4. The sleep that followed was the best sleep I'd had in a very long time. Josh and I cuddled and slept completely through the morning. It was around 2 by the time we got out of the room, and the day of gambling began again. I lost some money and it wasn't going my way. Josh and I decided to go to his van and hotbox. I got high as a kite, and only remember long hallways and lots of food. By the time we got back to the room after ice creams at Friendly's, I was sobering up. We watched tv and talked and eventually got into bed. I slept completely naked next to Josh. It was a nice feeling. Something about skin on skin just feels so right. This morning we started a little slow but eventually got moving. I played  $20 on one last black jack attempt, and lost it all. I'm still walking away with some money left in my pocket, which is a good feeling. We made the journey back home and I watched AC disappear in my rear view mirror. Unfortunately reality has to take affect once again. We cruised at 80mph most of the way home and sang and talked and made the most of the fleeting time we had.
When looking back on a couples vacation like that, it's kinda cool. It's just me and Josh. This was our first true trip together where it was just us. He thanked me several times for helping him get up and dressed and all of that, and I really don't know what to say to that. You do whatever you have to do for your significant other. It doesn't bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. It's different than a normal couple's experience, but that doesn't make it bad. I enjoy every activity that has him in it. Whether it's gambling together, rolling him into bed, going out to fancy dinners, or scratching his nuts for him (yes, it happened in depth). I'm thankful for the man I have in my life, regardless of his physical state. He's an amazing guy. So if having a relationship with him means I have to scratch his nuts every once in a while, I can live with that.

Personal Life

Today felt odd. Not in a bad way, though. I'm legally an adult who can do whatever where ever with whomever I want; no legal restrictions. I bought myself a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade after work today. The upsetting part is that they didn't card me. You spend your whole teenage existence dreading if you'll be carded, but now I actually want it. I felt like writing tonight, but I guess I don't have much to say. While I may be 1/5, Josh is 1/6, so his birthday is today. We're going out and getting legal drinks, shopping, and just tying up loose ends before the ball gets rolling on Sunday for Atlantic City. Sunday I stay the night with Josh, then Monday-Wednesday we're in Atlantic City. I bought a brand new dress today that I absolutely love. It isn't my usual classic black, or even a similar fit and flare style of what I normally choose. This one is a gorgeous red color with a partially open back, and a neckline that makes me feel beautiful as fuck. I guess it's sort of like all of Chapter One is over. In my Wikipedia page, this would be where "Early Life" ends and "Personal Life" begins.

@_@

In less than 24hrs, I'll be 21. I remember thinking about this birthday back when I was 16 and thought it would be so cool to be so old and mature. I would have my life together and be successful. In some aspects, I've been successful. But generally speaking, I've fallen short of what younger me expected. I may have found the man of my dreams, but that's really all I've accomplished. I've taken several college courses on a wide variety of subjects. I know much more than I did in high school, but nothing has come of it. Come spring, I'll have a degree to show. But only a minor associates. I don't even feel the need to capitalize it because of its insignificance. Turning 21 should be a fun time. A time when you feel happy and just a little more mature. Of course I'll be happy and having fun, but there's still that nagging feeling of how unaccomplished I am. I'm dating a man going to law school. That in and of itself is intimidating. I have friends who are in the process of getting major degrees that will better their futures. I know I'm making progress, and for that I'm grateful. But I don't want to be that one weird old person in the lecture hall who looks like they could be chaperoning a middle school dance. Nor do I want to be a 35yr old with no college degree and no meaningful future. Being (almost) 21 is kind of freaking me out, I can't lie. Time is going too quickly, and I don't want it slipping through my fingers.

All That Matters

I finally needed to have the talk with my dad. I brought it up really out of thin air and told him I wanted to switch majors back to psychology. He had questions, and wanted answers. But it wasn't agressive. There was no anger or visible disappointment. At the end of the conversation, he told me "All that matters is that you're happy". I wanted to cry and just do a huge sigh of relief. Once we parted ways for the night, my shoulders felt completely free of burden. I could enjoy my break and look forward to the future.
I left for Josh's house the next morning (New Year's Eve). My dad gave me a ride part of the way and I made sure to tell him I loved him before closing the car door. I'm lucky to have a dad like him. He can be difficult, but I'll always be his little girl and he'll always be my dad. The transit gods were on my side, and I made it to Josh on time and sane. We talked and hung out with his parents while they got together some food for his brother and his boyfriend next door. They were going to spend a majority of the night there, which left Josh and I time to just be together. We made drinks and ate and talked and watched tv. We watched the ball drop, kissed, and his parents came home shortly after. By the time Josh and I made it to bed, I had had 6 drinks. 5 rum and cokes, and 1 spiked hot cocoa with homemade alcoholic whipped cream. At this point, I should have a bartending license. I put on a pair of his boxers and a big tshirt to bed. After some fun, we cuddled up and went to bed. I'm unsure of how long we slept, but we didn't get up and out to lunch till around 1. I eventually got a (long) ride home and was greeted by my cats and family. 2016 has some major downs for me, but it also had many amazing positives. I'm turning 21 in a matter of days, Josh and I will be dating a full year come March, I'll get an associates degree (baby steps), and hopefully get into the last college I will ever attend (Lord help me). 2017 has the blueprints to be a pretty awesome year. I hope all of you in the audience (all 3 of you) had a great New Years. Except JP. Go fuck yourself.