Bubbie

I didn't get much sleep last night. I came to work half asleep. I saw JP and we high fived. He and I made some minor passing comments, but later in the day it evolved. I went to the back where JP was working to get something. He stopped me, and pulled me close. He started to slow dance with me to a song on the radio. We both giggled, and I broke free to accomplish my task. I tried to go back there as often as possible to see him. At one point, he snuck up behind me and gave me a quick massage then tickled me. Out of no where, Kevin showed up. I only saw him for a couple minutes, but he was busy talking to our manager. Kevin looked pissed, then left out the back door. He was fired. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He is my Bubbie, and my only grip on sanity at work. I was devastated, but kept it together. I went to the back to do dishes. JP and I talked about Kevin. Then the conversation shifted. JP said he wanted to maybe be more than friends. We both laughed it off and continued to flirt. As I was returning to the front, he hugged me and held me close. I blushed and smiled, and he said he was looking for a kiss. A giggled and said no way. We both laughed and kept working. As I was leaving work, he was sitting out back smoking. I told him that he and I are closing together tomorrow. He smiled and we hugged goodbye. It was a tight hug and he nestled into my neck. He then kissed my neck a few times. It made me smile and feel so good. My hand happened to graze his crotch, and I felt a little bulge. I blushed and said I had to run home, then left.
Tonight I have a concert with Bambi. We're seeing OneRepublic and the Script. I'm so excited. Tonight I have a concert with one of my favorite bands, then tomorrow I get to hang out with JP and talk more. The next 24hrs are going to be amazing.

Hesitant Hug

I've been busy, so blogging hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. However, the past few days have been interesting to say the least.
On Tuesday, I left for Kyle's house. I stopped by work to pick up some bagels for the crew. JP was working, so I gave him a little hug, got my bagels, and left to catch my bus. JP texted me and was sort of put off by the fact I was hesitant in hugging him. I was only hesitant because his apron was dirty, and I wanted to remain clean. He still didn't seem to like the way I acted towards him and pushed me away a little saying that what I was saying and what I was doing were two different things. I really like JP, and I think he's such a cool person. I would never lead him on then treat him like shit. Anyway, I got to Kyle's house and we all gathered. We ate and set the game up. We played for a couple hours then we had to run to the store (I got my period and lacked tampons). While we were there, our friend Rich wanted to buy a beer. He offered to get me a 4loko. Who could refuse an offer like that? So I got my tampons, and Rich got the alcohol. We all went back to playing the game then took a break for food. Rich and I talked and laughed and questioned why we didn't hang out more often. He's such a chill guy and we get along perfectly. Eventually, we got back and ended the game for the night. Now it was time to drink. Rich opened his beer, and I opened my 4loko. I drank a little, then Rich and I went on a beer run. He got two more beers and we headed back. It was only Rich, Liam and I who drank. Liam is Kyle's boyfriend's younger brother who is 15. We sat around drinking while Kyle and his boyfriend played a game on their laptops. Rich, Liam and I all bonded and laughed and had fun. I don't remember much after a certain period. I woke up the next morning next to Rich sleeping on the futon next to me. Nothing happened, we just happened to crash on the same couch. I texted JP and told him I just woke up next to a guy after a night of drinking (I was looking for some feedback on this scenario). I got no response from JP. The trio (especially me) was hungover and still recovering from drinking. We all eventually were awake enough to go get Subway. Rich bought me lunch in exchange for my paying for his beers the previous night. We hung out for a little while longer then I headed home. I still had no response from JP, so I thought he must have still been a little put off but my hesitant hug. I arrived home in time for dinner. I ate, showered, then passed out.
The next day I was working a 6-2 shift. I was exhausted, but the time went fast. My manager said I could leave early at 11. I was so thrilled. I texted JP and asked if he wanted to meet up for lunch. No response. I left work around 12 after helping clean up a little. Why was JP mad at me? I apologized and explained why I was hesitant. Rawr.
The next day was uneventful, then I worked today. I walked in and saw JP in the back. I poked him to see his reaction. He smiled and asked how I was. I jokingly said he would know if he ever texted me back. Apparently, JP accidentally dropped his phone out of a car window while on the highway. Wow. I told him how I thought he was mad at me and he said I was being ridiculous. I was so relieved. I continued on to work, but someone was missing. Where was Kevin? He was supposed to work a 7-4 shift (upon his request) but never showed up. He had called out of work yesterday saying that he had sprained his ankle and couldn't walk. It would be understandable if he couldn't work today, but he insisted on coming in, and then didn't let anyone know he wasn't coming. I love Kevin to death, but this is kinda weird. It's not really like him to just bail on us and not say why. I texted him, but still haven't gotten a response. Ray and I closed up the shoppe along with JP. JP's ex-wife and a couple of his kids came by during work. He had a little one who I believe was named Gia, and one that looked around 11 or so. Gia was so adorable, and JP's face was lit up when he saw her. He carried her behind the counter and gave her a plain bagel. It barely fit in her tiny mouth. JP just stroked her head and talked to her. I've never seen him be like that before. I guess when you have kids, you have a certain soft spot for them. I loved Gia, and hated to watch her leave. I told JP he had adorable kids, and he jokingly said maybe he'd give me some of my own. We closed the shoppe, and I told Ray he could leave. I was gonna hang out with JP for a bit. JP was still working in the back kneading the dough and making the bagel shapes. We just talked about my relationship with Bambi, what happened when I woke up next to Rich, and just life in general. I love how he listens to me and always gives me great advice. He looks into my eyes and is always genuine. We talked for about 45mins, then I had to go. It was so sweet just talking to him face to face without being interrupted by work. Tomorrow I'm doing a 6-1 shift. JP is working, so he'll be there at 6am to greet me with a smile and ask me how I'm doing. Working with JP is something I'm looking forward to now more than ever. Kevin was supposed to work tomorrow, but we'll see what happens. At very least, I'll have JP.

JP

The closing shift with JP and Kevin went alright. JP and I didn't have as much time to talk as we did the previous day, but we exchanged a few words on the Kevin topic. We all closed and locked up. Later that night, I got a text from my boss. He said JP had asked him for my number but he didn't want to give it out. So my boss gave me JP's number and said he wanted to talk to me. I took the number and texted JP. We've been texting ever since. He gave me advice on Kevin, and actually told me that he thought Kevin wasn't a good choice for me (he refused to say why). We eventually ended our Kevin talk, and got into more personal conversation. Over the last couple days, we've gotten to really know each other. JP said he didn't realize how deep of a person I was, and how beautiful I am both inside and out. He seems to really like me. He likes me enough to invite me over to his house for dinner with his family. JP actually feels comfortable enough with me to let me meet his kids. I found out he's also very big into art and music. He's a big guy (I'm guessing around 6 1/2ft or so) so finding out how in tune with art he is was sort of shocking. He told me he wanted to take me to MOMA in the city. JP is such a sweet guy. I can't deny it, my focus is beginning to shift from Kevin to JP. I love texting him, and we never have a dull conversation. He says he feels comfortable talking to me and sharing details about himself. He's always complimenting me and flirting. JP is definitely a charmer.
Tomorrow I'm heading to Kyle's house for the night. We're going to get together and play a new RP game he's making up. It sounds sort of like D&D, but he won't give us many details until we actually start playing. I'm looking forward to this. I need some fun and relaxation with friends. On my way to Kyle's house, I'll be stopping by work to get some bagels for the gang. JP is gonna be there, so I'll make sure to say hi. Now I better get some rest if I want to be energized for tomorrow's nerd session.

Jobbig

The day after Kevin and I hung out, Bambi and I had a date. We went to catch a movie, and it was fairly awkward and silent walking to the theater. We saw 22 Jump Street. It was funny, and Bambi was laughing at almost everything. When the movie ended, we went to a local sushi place. It was cheap and small. Not exactly a romantic dinner, but I'll take it. We ate and discussed some school and work related things. He asked me what I would do if he decided to join the circus and juggle. I would leave him. Juggling and being in the circus gets you no where in life, and you can't provide for a family that way. We got into a bit of an argument over that because he says that it isn't fair that I would leave him if he did that. Bambi doesn't approve of me going into the Air Force, or being a cop, but he said he wouldn't leave me if I decided to do those careers. However, those are extremely different. With each of the career paths, the pay is decent (although NYPD is much more than Air Force), the benefits are great, and you can work your way up the ranks for more money and status. Bambi refused to see the difference and kept being difficult. As we walked to the train station, we saw these 2 guys get into an argument. One of them looked like he was trying to physically intimidate the other man. I kept it moving, but Bambi insisted on staying and trying to help if the guy needed it. I took his hand and dragged Bambi away. This is New York City. That fight isn't ours to fight. Let the two bimbos figure it out, and let's keep going. Bambi said I was being mean and selfish by walking away. I was simply just minding my business. We got to the train station and we parted. We shared and hug and a kiss. For some reason, I don't feel the spark that I used to feel when I kiss him. When I kiss him now, it's just meh. It isn't exciting or sexy or cute. I'm indifferent.
Today I had work. I walked in and found Kevin there. He wasn't on the schedule, so this caught me off guard. Apparently Jena had to leave early, so they called in Kevin to close up shop. That meant Kevin and I were closing with JP. My boss and manager left early, so Kevin and I got cleaning done quick and early. I had some time to talk to JP. He wouldn't answer me about what Kevin said to him. I want to know for sure if Kevin likes me or not. JP urged me to talk to Kevin myself and confront it. I told JP that I do like Kevin, and that we spent a lot of time together on Wednesday. He said it sounded like a date to him. We broke the conversation once Kevin reappeared from downstairs. About an hour or so later, I saw JP and Kevin talking in the back. I couldn't hear what they were saying, which is odd considering JP is usually a loud person. As I glanced back at them, I got a strange look from JP. It was sort of like he was watching to see if I were going to come back to them and see what was up. Whatever they were talking about, they didn't want me hearing. I'm guessing the conversation was about me. Toward the end of our shifts, it got a little laid back. Kevin was in front doing something, and I was in the back with JP. We starting discussing Kevin and what he thought about it. JP thinks I should just go for it. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he said he knows I'm not happy (I've told him about some of the fights Bambi and I have had). JP has 6 kids and an ex wife. He said he still loves her, but he isn't IN love with her. He told me that if I'm happy, there is no point in continuing my relationship with Bambi. We went back and forth and discussed why I should/shouldn't/can/can't leave him. It almost turned into a therapy session. I forgot I was at work until Kevin needed me to do something. JP said we would be continuing our talk another time. I'm closing with JP and Kevin tomorrow as well. I have a feeling the shift will be a little busier than today, but JP and I will continue our conversation. I want to figure this out. This is a very strange situation and I don't know what to do.

Malba

Yesterday, I met up with one of the sorority sisters. For the sorority, a mandatory thing to have is a plain black dress. This sister (we'll call her Shock) said she would take me out and find me a cute dress. We met at the mall and began our journey. $140 and 3hrs later, I had some new things. I got leggings (my first pairs ever), a cute girly top, the black dress, a concealer crayon, my first "big girl" bag for a night out, and a cute wallet (my first official wallet). I deemed the day successful. I learned new things, and got to bond with my sister. After my little shopping spree, I went home. My mom approved of all my purchases, and began to realize that I'm slowly becoming an adult. SLOWLY. My dad thought I looked too grown up in my dress with the bag. Little by little, I'm growing up.
Today was a fun day. I woke up and texted Kevin. He said he would be picking me up around 11-12ish and we were going to hang out. I went back to sleep, and then got up and dressed. Of course, Kevin was 3hrs late. However, this shouldn't surprise me anymore. I got in the car and he told me the AC was broken. It was 90F outside and we were both sweating. We rolled the windows down and played some loud music. After a little bit, we realized we never made any actual plans on what we were going to do. We talked for a bit and tossed some ideas around. Kevin pulled over and called a few friends about a good tattoo place. We found one, checked it out, and he liked it. We talked about tattoo ideas and different styles. He talked to an artist and got his card. It seems as if we found the place to begin the tattoo journey. However, today was not a tattoo day. We got back in the car, and decided to go out to eat. After a little debate, we settled on Applebees. On our way there, Kevin said that in order to stay cool and get out of the heat, we could go back to his house after lunch and watch movies. I mocked him and said it sounded like he was asking me out on a date. Now that I think about it, he didn't actually deny that he was. He just sort of mocked me back and moved on. We enjoyed lunch and he picked up the tab. While deciding what to do next, we went to his house so he could grab something. His mom called, so we picked her up from work and drove her home. Afterwards, we headed to a place called Malba. It's a fancy neighborhood with big houses and rich people. Kevin knew a place with a great view by the water. It had a little rock jetty, easy waves, and a small shoreline. Kevin happened to have chairs in his car, so we set them up and watched as the sun slowly set over the city horizon. We talked and laughed and mocked each other. We spent about an hour or so there just watching the sun go down and having fun. The bugs started to eat him alive, so we packed it up, and headed home. We talked the whole way home and discussed how next time we hung out, we needed plans instead of just winging it. All together, I spent around 7hrs with Kevin today. It's one thing to work together for 7hrs, but it's totally different outside of work. I love getting to know him, and exchanging our woes and worries over blasted rap music. I want to hang out with Kevin again hopefully next week. I might actually take him up on his offer of movies at his place. I assure you nothing is going to happen, I won't let it. I really like Kevin, and I won't let my stupid impulses ruin our friendship. Maybe on our next adventure, he'll teach me how to smoke. We could smoke some weed, go to iHop, then head back for movies all day. I'll pitch it to Kevin and see what he thinks. I'm always open to trying something new.

Giggly

I worked on both Sunday and today (Monday). It was a lot of work, but I guess the paycheck is worth it. Kevin is still taking time off. The schedule that was posted for this week only has him working 2 days. Normally, he works 6 so this was a drastic change. I texted Kevin the schedule and he and I talked about how he needed a little vacation and that the time off was welcomed. I'm glad to see him get time off, but I know working without him is difficult. He really has become an integral part of the shoppe. Today one of the bakers was talking to me. I really like him. We'll call him JP. He's such a sweetie and always helps with anything I need. I was doing dishes and JP and I were talking. He said he thinks Kevin likes me. This made me curious of course, and I asked how he came to that conclusion. He said a few days ago he had asked Kevin what he thought of me. I work in a bagel shoppe where I'm the only girl, so I'm somewhat used to these kinds of conversations. However, the guys usually talk about the customers, not me. Anyway, JP said that when he asked him, Kevin just got sort of giggly and smiled. I'm not sure what that means, but it has to mean something. I told JP that Kevin and I hang out outside of work, and text sometimes. JP likes him and says he's a good guy. It seems like maybe JP is trying to play matchmaker. We'll see how this plays out. I'm working again on Friday and JP will mostly likely be there. I want to ask him whether Kevin actually answered his question or if he just avoided it. I guess it makes sense if Kevin liked me. We constantly tease each other and act like close friends at work (and outside work as well). I want to get to the bottom of this and see what's going on. I don't know what I would do if Kevin liked me. He has his issues, but he's working on getting his shit together. He's attractive, funny, and such a genuine sweetheart. Then again, maybe I'm just over thinking this and he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I suppose only time will tell.

Haze

To cool off from my incident with Bambi, I decided to get together with some friends. Kyle, Megan and I met at Kyle's house yesterday afternoon. I needed to just cut loose and have some fun. We decided to take a shot of Jäger then went out to get soda for mixed drinks. Megan brought Malibu Coconut Rum and Absolut Vodka. I brought 2 bottles of Jäger. We got back to Kyle's house I mixed us some drinks. I did part lemonade, 2 parts vodka, and a pinch of ginger ale. It tasted amazing. Megan and I had 2 glasses of it, and Kyle had one. I got pretty drunk pretty fast. My memory is somewhat hazy, but I recall Megan being pretty drunk as well. We wandered to our friend George's house to continue the party. I showed up wasted, and mixed George a drink. I'm known in our little party circle as a good drink mixer I guess. Bartending is in my blood. Anyway, George was soon drunk. I don't recall details, but I think I fell asleep next to his toilet. Then I remember going outside and eating popcorn while the others were in his jacuzzi. Our other friend Daniel showed up and I don't think he drank. Amidst the drunken craziness, my boyfriend's brother called Kyle's phone. Since I was drunk, I didn't think twice about answering it. He had invited me to dinner with his family as a surprise for Bambi. Great. I had to magically sober up enough to get by his family. I drank water and ate more popcorn. Surprisingly, I made it through dinner ok. However, I got home and vomitted up all my dinner. But was it worth it? Hell yes.
At work today, I had a hangover. I was tired and wasn't in the mood for anything. It got busy fairly early, and then Kevin called in sick. It was insane without him. I also noticed how much I love working with him. I need someone to poke fun at, and someone to have fun with. We had a new guy starting today, so that was fun. He didn't do much, and talked a lot. It was stressful and annoying, but I soon went home. Bambi met me at work and we headed to a church fair my dad was running. We ran a couple kids games and helped moved some rummage sale stuff. It was fun. For a while, I forgot what had happened just days before. During the fair, I texted Kevin and asked if he was ok. He said he was feeling better and offered to take me out. I said I had prior engagements, and he suggested tomorrow. I reminded him it was Fathers Day and that I should probably stay home. Then he suggested Monday. Kevin seems really eager to hang out all of a sudden. I'm curious as to why, but I won't complain. The last couple days have been such a hazy rollercoaster. This is what summer should be.

High and Dry

Yesterday's lunch with Andrea was fun. I missed her, and it was nice catching up. We spent a few hours trying on crazy high heels, cute dresses, and complaining about life. She really is my other half. I really do miss not seeing her every day like in high school. She was always my sidekick and partner in crime. We still see each other, but not nearly enough.
Today was an exciting day. Kevin and I were going to go out to a tattoo shop and get him some new tats. I would get one, but my dad would most certainly flip a shit. Kevin was supposed to be at my house at 1pm. I was dressed and ready to go on time, but he was late. I texted him around 2, with no response. I called at 3:30 with no answer. I called again at 4:15, and again no answer. I texted a final time around 4:30. I basically spent a whole day waiting for someone who stood me up. I have to say, it hurt. I was looking forward to hanging out with him. It's not like this was supposed to be a date, but I do very much enjoy his company. I didn't get a response from Kevin until 7pm. He had apparently woken up early to do errands, and then fallen back asleep when he got home. Ugh. I was (and still am) a little angry with him, but I shrugged it off. I don't want to look like the desperate loser I am who has no friends. He said he would make it up to me next time. We'll see how that goes.
The next fun topic is Bambi. I don't even know how to explain the situation. Out of no where, he sends me these pictures of a wall with holes in it, and then his bloodied fist. Awesome. I ask him why he did it, and he refused to answer. All he said was that he called his boss and she hung up on him. Of course the only reasonable response to this was to punch the wall multiple times. Apparently his parents didn't seem to mind the fact he pulverized a wall. Frankly, it's scary. I've seen him get infuriated before in person, and it's one of the scariest things I've ever seen. It just scares me that he lacks self-control to the point of taking his anger out in destructive ways. I know for certain he could take me if he wanted to, especially when he isn't thinking clearly after drinking a few too many. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship like that. Bambi is like a child who can't control his emotions and outbursts. I think he's still extremely immature and self-centered, and I don't want to be dealing with an emotionally unstable boyfriend. I don't know. I just wish he could be the old Bambi. Back when we first met, he was so sweet and timid. He was goofy and adored me more than anything. He still loves me, but I think in a more codependent way than a romantic way if that makes sense. Bambi needs someone to keep him grounded and to stop him from doing this shit. He hasn't had an episode of rage this bad in at least 6 months or so, so I thought maybe it had passed. I guess not. It's back to being a mommy instead of a girlfriend I suppose.

Return

I've been gone for a little bit. Sometimes breaks are necessary. My life is always crazy, but after my last post, life got a little too crazy. So many things have happened since I lasted posted.
After my last update, my pledge sister Jen dropped out. I was alone during the last half of my pledging. It was hell, but I made it. I became a sister and am the only member of the Spring '14 Kappa Class. I'm proud of my title as the one and only Kappa, but also depressed that Jen didn't finish with me. After cross (the ceremony of becoming a sister), everyone congratulated me. I'm the first one in the sorority's history to cross as a single sister. Since I crossed, they've been the best pseudo-family I could ever ask for.
Then, I met someone. I'm a part of a couple online groups and communities, as well as like a bunch of entertainment pages run by the same group of guys. Within those groups and pages, those guys are like celebrities. One of them told me to message him. Let's call him Jeff. I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He sent me a message and that's where it all started. He asked for my number, and we began speaking all day every day. I began to see him more as a friend than as a leader of the communities. We eventually Skyped and loved it. We were flirting like crazy and I may have flashed him my breasts a couple of times over Skype. We're so open with each other, and I love it. However, he lives in Mississippi, and I live in New York. He's also 10yrs my senior. It's strange, but we like it. In past couple weeks, we haven't spoken as often. He has a few big projects coming up, so I know he's been busy with those.
The next thing is Kevin. Kevin and I have been getting closer and more like friends. Last week we hung out outside of work. He picked me up and we went to a tattoo shop. He wants to touch up his tattoo, and then get a couple new ones. We spent most of the time in traffic, so we spent a lot of time talking. We opened up to each other about exs, family troubles, and problems at work. It was a change of pace to get to know him outside of work. He texted me afterwards and said he had fun hanging out with me and that we should do it again. We're planning on spending all day together tomorrow to get his tattoo(s). I think Kevin is attractive, but I would never make a move on him. I know he isn't interested, and I'm already in a relationship. I see him more as a cool friend than a coworker now.
I've also had some contact with Leo since my last update. There was a musical at my high school and a lot of my friends were in it. I went to see it, and I sort of expected Leo to be there on account of running lights and sound. I was right, he was there. Since Bambi wasn't there, I was able to talk to him a bit and interact. I was worried that there were maybe some hard feelings, and things may be awkward. They weren't. We had a few short exchanges and were in the same circle of conversation among our friends. During intermission, he gave me a free Snickers bar from the concession stand (which he was helping to run). It was a nice gesture. We spoke a little bit after as well, and I saw him with his new girlfriend. She's the daughter of a pastor, and has a twin sister. I personally have trouble telling them apart, but I'm sure he can. Leo looked so happy with his girlfriend. I'm happy for him. I really do want him to succeed in a relationship. I decided to email him that night. I just told him I was proud of him for going into the military and deciding for sure what he was doing. I also wished him luck with his relationship. He emailed me back giving me the best of wishes and saying he hopes to talk to me sometime again. I saw him once more at the high school's music concert. Bambi was with me, so Leo and I only made some eye contact and smiled a few times. It was small, but nice. The next event was supposed to be his graduation. I was going to attend to see them finally cross the stage and open a new chapter in their lives. Since my manager is a dick, he changed my schedule and made it impossible for me to go. I spent the day pissed off and annoyed at him. Kyle sent me pics of he and a couple friends who graduated. I felt bad that I didn't make it to graduation, both for my friends and for Leo. I'm thinking about emailing him again just to tell him I'm proud of him, but I don't want to seem needy or something. I kind of do want to start talking to him again, but I know it wouldn't end well for anyone. I'm still debating an email.
The final and most important thing to happen was with my father. He had a stroke a few days before Easter and ended up in the hospital. We spent Easter in the hospital, but he was released a couple of days after. It was scary seeing him in the hospital. He lost about 5hrs of his memory and doesn't know what happened between him leaving work and him coming home. My mom and I just thought he was late, but he came home disoriented and didn't know basic information. He didn't know my mom's name, the President of the U.S., my and my brother's middle names, or his own birthday. My mom rushed him to the ER and stayed there with him until he was assigned a room and admitted around 1am. Needless to say, the experience was eye-opening. It could have been a lot worse if we didn't catch it early like we did. He only still has some (worsened) memory problems, very mild speech confusion (switching up words like pancakes and cupcakes), and pronunciation issues (saying John like Joan). He's still seeing neurologists about it, and taking new medication to prevent it from happening again. He's also lost some weight since this happened. He's dropped around 40lbs so far. My dad is obese, so it's going to take a little more poundage to bring him to a healthy weight.
Anyway, that's my life so far. It's complicated as always, and I'm trying to just survive. I'm taking it one day at a time, and getting through it. I'll keep on top of posting, I promise. I'm actually supposed to be meeting Andrea at the mall in an hour and I'm not even dressed. I'll always be a hot mess.