A Rose Amongst Daisies

It lasted a little over 10 months. My roller coaster ride with JP seems to have come to end. There was too much fighting for him to handle. We were both suffering. I feel numb without him by my side. I can't call or text; he'll be changing his number soon, and will probably block me in the meantime. This is my fault. Everything that goes bad in my life is my fault. It's almost like I purposefully fuck things up. JP and I were talking a few weeks ago and we got onto the topic of if/when I'll find the right person for me to spend my life with. I told him I knew who it was, and that I had met that person a while ago. As I said to JP, that man is a rose amongst daisies. He stands out from the crowd and is more beautiful than I've ever seen a human being before. He's passionate, kind, loving, so dedicated, and will fight to the death for those he loves. He makes me smile on days I think it's impossible, and he evokes laughter just by saying little comments and being himself.
Laying in bed, I constantly check my phone. Maybe he'll send me one last text. Maybe he called me. Maybe he just wanted to say how much he loved me for the last time. I lay in the same bed we made love in only Thursday morning, and I'm sobbing. My pillow is damp with tears, and I mumble words of encouragement to myself. I began crying on the phone with him after he explained yet again why we needed to separate. As I cried, he said "You're stronger than this". I kept saying it over and over to myself, hoping for everything to be ok again. I don't have a lot in this life. I have a select few friends who I've been drifting apart from, I have a broken family that seems beyond repair, I have a failing semester, and I have my cat. As I lay here in bed on the verge of yet another breakdown, I have to get up for work. I have to put on nice clothes, do my makeup, brush my hair, and slap a smile on my face. I have to greet customers, fold tables of clothes over and over again, and feel dead inside while putting on a character for the world. I didn't have to be perfect for JP. I just had to give him one thing, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it in time to save us. I destroyed whatever path we may have had together. I plan on changing my number, so once I do so, he won't be able to contact me. Once he changes his number, I won't be able to contact him. We're at a dead end it seems. I won't lie down and take this. I love him too much to just watch him walk away. It's beyond painful for me, and I hope at least a little painful for him. We both need space to fix our separate problems, but I want to see what everything is like when the shit is gone. I'm changing in big ways. I'm finally becoming what he needs, and what he wants. Who I was when I was a child is what he needs in his life, not what I have become over the years of depression and secrets. He is my rose, and I want to keep him in my garden, safe and sound forever until I die.