Somebody Loves You

Sometimes I doubt myself. I tried hard this semester to work for what I want in life. The past of my existence has been awful. I got pregnant, had an abortion, lived a secret life, and decided to completely switch schools and majors. I took a semester off to try and get myself emotionally back together but it didn't work as well as I intended it to. The stress of my first semester back has gotten to me. I've been having migraines and problems sleeping. Either I'm sleeping too much, or not enough. I asked my parents if I could stay the night at Josh's house since he has his graduation dinner on Saturday. Instead of a simple no, I was ripped a new one. My parents both agreed that I'm not working hard enough and they don't think I want this badly enough. My mom does this thing sometimes when she's being critical of me where she laughs at me and talks to me like I'm a child. I felt like it went on forever just listening to the two of them criticize my work at school, and even suggesting I should drop out because "maybe school isn't for you". I didn't cry about any of this until just now while writing. It breaks my heart to think that my parents think so little of me that they would actually suggest I drop out of school. Part of me wishes they knew the whole story with JP. Maybe then they would understand why this semester was so hard for me. It wasn't just the adjustment of beginning school again. There were other factors at play that they simply have no idea about. My mom called me a liar when I told her I would be studying over the summer to prepare to take A&P again in the fall. She always assumes she knows better than anyone. I still haven't told her that I plan to join Josh 3 days a week during his internship as his aid. I will be getting paid to study while he works. I can't imagine her response when I tell her. Both of my parents are going to think we'll be hanging out the entire time and no studying will get done. They'll think me getting paid is a terrible idea (my mom already expressed this). My parents don't trust me to be an adult and to make adult choices. A&P caught me off guard and it was much more difficult than I thought possible. I didn't think parents existed to make you feel like shit over something you already know you fucked up. I accepted the fact that I failed and I moved forward. Failure is not easy for me to accept, but I had to. They decided to pick on me even more for my shortcomings. My mom always tries to twist and contort things in a way that make me sound crazy. She blames things on my mental state and tries to connect dots that aren't there. She thinks I found a boyfriend just to distract myself from work, like somehow I wanted to fail. She doesn't see how hard I work or how I study or how I do homework. When I'm home with her, I try to hang out with her and spend time together. I guess because of that, she doesn't see me studying. It's a lose/lose. I hate how depressed I get over this kind of thing. I just hate being a failure. A few years ago my mom called me a failure, and I never forgot that. I cried for hours after that. Those words still echo in my head every time I get a bad grade or I don't feel like I'm performing up to her standards. I hate being my fucked up self.