Step 1 - Acceptance

My stress isn't getting any better. I've spoken to Josh and my therapist about it, and they both say they see how hard I'm working. I drive myself insane studying and taking notes and doing what I can. It just isn't enough. The last couple weeks I've been bleeding out of my asshole. Probably hemorrhoids, but I just don't have the time to go to the doctor. Even on days where I don't have classes or work, I am studying and writing papers and doing chores and taking notes. Today was the worst I've felt in a while. I felt so weak and out of it. I had to walk in the rain to and from therapy and it was miserable. I felt detached and tired. The 40min journey home felt like 4hrs. This is where I am with my health. My mental health is taking a blow and so is my physical health now. I'm working myself so hard and getting nowhere productive. I've wasted so many years and so much effort on things that in the end aren't going to matter. I've been pondering a lot of what-ifs recently. What if I never switched majors? What if I decided to go to my current college instead of my first choice in high school? What if I never met JP? What if my life had turned out normal? What if I weren't so compromised mentally? Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I be with, if anyone? When would I have graduated college and with what degree? There are so many questions I ask myself, but seldom can I ever answer them.
Some people are good are english and psychology and art, while others are good at math and science and technology. That's what my therapist said today. I've always been exceedingly good in the arts. It's always come as second nature. I can write an entire paper in a couple of hours and get an A. However, the sciences have never come easy to me. Math has been my downfall since high school. The only class I ever failed in high school was Marine Biology, and I came VERY close to failing human biology. I can want something so bad it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm going to achieve it. I'm busting my ass and doing what I can to try and make it work, but I just can't. Maybe I should transfer to a cheap senior college, gather the credits I have, and finish out the last 2yrs of a psych degree, or maybe even english. I can do that without a problem. Some things aren't meant to be. I still have the rest of the semester to fight and try to make the nursing program, but right now the chances are slim. This might just be one of the few times in my life that I have to accept a failure.

Pursue Better

My anxiety has been getting worse as the semester progressing. I'm studying and working as hard as possible, and my grades aren't reflecting it. I've been lying to my parents about my grades. My dad is disappointed when I say I got an 85 on an exam, meanwhile my highest grade has been a 76. I'm averaging around a D right now. The more I think about it, the more panicked I get. I'm technically passing the class, but I need a C. I need it in order to continue along the nursing path I've dreamed of. If I don't make the C, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's hard not to think about something you study often. Even right now my anxiety is around a 7/10. I have so many things in my life to be happy about, but I feel like I can't really sit back and enjoy it because I'm failing. I'm working hard and losing sleep and stressing myself out for absolutely nothing. I feel like a lost cause. I've had a few dreams that take place years in the future where Josh is the main bread winner. He has a real job with his graduate degree, while I'm working a low paying bullshit job with my useless college education. The thoughts haunt me. I never want to be seen as someone who is relying on someone else to take care of them. I've always pitied those women who let the man do the work while they do next to nothing. I want to be in a partnership, not a leeching relationship. I want to be someone who does something. If I don't make this work, I've wasted so much of my parent's money. I refuse to be a failure, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not making it.

The Dubious Realist

My emotions have been all over the map. I've been grumpy, stressed, confident, manic, yet composed. The stress of this semester has been getting to me. I hadn't taken my medication in a couple weeks, and I knew that I had to start again. I thought maybe I didn't need them, but clearly I still do. I had a woman at work the other day who treated me, my manager, and a close coworker of mine very poorly - cursing and being obnoxious. Things were thrown and words were said, but I kept my composure and made her go away. But that night, I was up until 4am. She triggered that manic side of me that can stay up all night like it's normal. I was up studying, watching tv, playing with the cats, and looking at old photos. I hadn't been like that in a while so it was weird when it came back. That's when I realized it was the lack of medication. Although I had started taking it again a couple nights before, it needed time to build up in my system. I was grumpy when I saw Josh, but I knew it would get better as the days went on and my medication would settle down in my system. I feel alright now, but stressed. The talk of grades and applying to programs and registering for classes has my anxiety through the roof. I try to pretend it isn't bad but sometimes it feels like my heart is in my stomach and like I'm trapped. I can't help but think the worst. I have to just stop and breathe. Even writing about my anxiety gives me anxiety.
As I'm sitting in the quiet of my house just before 1am typing this, I can still feel an impending doom. I don't know how else to describe it. It's a calm time around me right now, but I still feel as if something bad is going to happen. Things won't go according to plan, and I'll disappoint myself and everyone around me. I've wasted my parents hard earned money on flip-flopping between majors and schools. I'm supposed to be graduating this year with a BA, but I don't even have enough for a decent Associate Degree. I could probably round up all of the bullshit classes I've taken and roll that up into a liberal arts degree, but what the fuck is an Associates in Liberal Arts going to get me? My parents have spent thousands and thousands of dollars sending me to school and this is the best I've got. A liberal arts degree, maybe. I sometimes remember back to a fight my mom and I had years ago, and I'm sure she's forgotten this by now. But we were arguing, and she called me a failure. That's why I'm so afraid of the word. I've worked hard to get ahead in Anatomy and Physiology, but I'm barely keeping my head above water. Part of me regrets leaving my psychology degree in the dust and switching. I was halfway there. I was good at it. I would have been accepted into the Masters Degree Program easily. I would have gotten my Master's Degree in 5yrs, and been able to go out into the world holding some sort of an advanced degree. But instead I decided to take a path that wasn't so clear and easy, and I don't know if it will pay off. I've heard several sayings about how taking the harder path is more rewarding, but I'm not sure if those are realistic. The silence around me is deafening, and I'm trying not to listen to the whispers of doubt in my head. I've always been, and always will be a realist.

Thinking Out Loud

I've been seeing a new side of life lately. As my grades improve, so does my life in general. The progressing relationship with Josh confirms that my life is amazing. Even if my life doesn't follow the exact map I have laid out, it's ok. Why is it ok? Because I know Josh will always be by my side. Even though my life is still stressful at parts, it isn't uncertain. A year ago, I didn't know where my future would lead me, and if I'd like it. It's hard to put into words I suppose. Knowing Josh will be in my future relieves stress. I know I will always have an amazing man who loves me and cares about me no matter what. Our relationship is exactly the definition of one that will last. Josh does everything and anything for me, and I do what I can in return. My life went from having question marks and unknowns, to having periods and finite answers. I thrive on love. It motivates me and makes me feel that everything will work out in due time. The first 2 decades of my life had many ups and downs, but now entering my 21st year in a couple months, I'm confident. Even though I've gained a few pounds, I'm ok with it. I don't look perfect all the time (far from it), and I don't care. I don't apologize for my sense of humor or overly sarcastic tendencies. I've learned to love myself more because I saw someone else out there could love me just the way I was. Call us crazy, but Josh and I have been seriously talking about a wedding. My dress, venues, colors, everything. I even have a date picked out in my head. Something in me just knows he's the one. Every minute I spend with him just confirms that thought. God works in mysterious ways. I've been through hell and back to be standing where I am today. My past made me who and what I am right now, and for that I'm grateful. I'm stronger than I was a year ago today, and I sure as hell am happier.

Calcaneus

As the days pass, I realize how quickly the semester is going. Some things are familiar to me, and some are not. However I have something this semester that I didn't have last time. I have someone who helps me and let's me study and focus on what I need to do. Josh has been such a major help in everything I've accomplished this semester. I just took my second lab test today, and I felt more confident than I ever had before. I knew a solid 85%, then made educated guesses on the rest. I've never been able to look anatomy and physiology in the eyes and take it on like that. I was beyond nervous and knew that if this test didn't go well, I'd have a problem. But I walked in, took my answer sheet, then went to each station confident and proud of what I knew. As I covertly glanced at other people's papers, I saw they left almost half of them blank. That boosted my confidence even more. I was able to spell things correctly, accurately distinguish different bones, and was even able to label things I couldn't do last year. I had a dream last night before the test that I got my grades back and I did well, and I was accepted into the official practical nursing program. I was so happy, but so sad to wake up and see I wasn't there yet. But I know that as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I should be OK.
Last semester fucked me up in more ways than one, but it also helped me. It helped me to find myself emotionally, begin to heal, and to start cultivating a better relationship with my parents. I've become a better person. I feel as if right now, I am who I was always meant to be. I feel liberated in every way possible. I finally have control over my own life, and it feels amazing. I found someone who is not only my significant other, but also one of my best friends. I count my blessings every day when I text Josh and reflect on our relationship. We're coming up on our first Christmas together, and I can't wait. I've already finished a majority of the shopping for him, and I even have ideas for his birthday. We're a power couple, and I know it. I remember seeing him online for the first time and wondering why he wasn't taken already. Josh was perfect, and he still is.
Experiencing a real relationship like this makes me wonder what I ever saw in JP. But there is one thing I will always remember him saying, because it's true. He would tell me that he was just a stepping stone, and I'd move on. I didn't think it was true, and I don't think he wanted to believe it. But JP was actually right. I've advanced miles from where I was with him. And he's still face down in the dirt - in the same place he's always been, and always will be. Some people are made for greatness, while others are just made to exist. I know exactly which one I am.