Step 1 - Acceptance

My stress isn't getting any better. I've spoken to Josh and my therapist about it, and they both say they see how hard I'm working. I drive myself insane studying and taking notes and doing what I can. It just isn't enough. The last couple weeks I've been bleeding out of my asshole. Probably hemorrhoids, but I just don't have the time to go to the doctor. Even on days where I don't have classes or work, I am studying and writing papers and doing chores and taking notes. Today was the worst I've felt in a while. I felt so weak and out of it. I had to walk in the rain to and from therapy and it was miserable. I felt detached and tired. The 40min journey home felt like 4hrs. This is where I am with my health. My mental health is taking a blow and so is my physical health now. I'm working myself so hard and getting nowhere productive. I've wasted so many years and so much effort on things that in the end aren't going to matter. I've been pondering a lot of what-ifs recently. What if I never switched majors? What if I decided to go to my current college instead of my first choice in high school? What if I never met JP? What if my life had turned out normal? What if I weren't so compromised mentally? Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I be with, if anyone? When would I have graduated college and with what degree? There are so many questions I ask myself, but seldom can I ever answer them.
Some people are good are english and psychology and art, while others are good at math and science and technology. That's what my therapist said today. I've always been exceedingly good in the arts. It's always come as second nature. I can write an entire paper in a couple of hours and get an A. However, the sciences have never come easy to me. Math has been my downfall since high school. The only class I ever failed in high school was Marine Biology, and I came VERY close to failing human biology. I can want something so bad it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm going to achieve it. I'm busting my ass and doing what I can to try and make it work, but I just can't. Maybe I should transfer to a cheap senior college, gather the credits I have, and finish out the last 2yrs of a psych degree, or maybe even english. I can do that without a problem. Some things aren't meant to be. I still have the rest of the semester to fight and try to make the nursing program, but right now the chances are slim. This might just be one of the few times in my life that I have to accept a failure.