Dimenticare

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Almost too good. You know that feeling where everything is just going a little TOO smoothly? I'm doing alright in Italian, which is surprising. I met with my professor today and she told me she sees all of the effort I'm putting in and notices me participating in class. She actually said she couldn't see a reason to fail me and that she likes me. That lifted a little weight off my shoulders for sure. I'm not aiming high with Italian, but I know now that the professor likes me and sees I'm trying. Every other class I'm doing well in so far. I'm skipping a few more history classes lately, so that isn't good. But the class as a whole isn't terribly difficult. My work life is good too. I had my review and I was deemed to be "On Target". I feel like I deserve a little more than that but it is what it is. I'm enjoying my job and the people I work with. One of my managers and I have been talking about maybe organizing a Girls Night for some of the female employees where we'd go out drinking and hanging out one night. It actually sounds fun. Then Josh and I are just as good as we usually are. Nothing new and exciting, but still enjoyable. I'll never complain about Netflix and chill with some homemade sundaes.
I'm actually in bed before midnight today which is crazy for me. I've just been so tired lately every morning. Last night I had a fantastic dream about flying. Like I could control my own ability to fly in the air with my mind. I can still feel the sensation. I can't lie, I tried doing it a couple times today just in case it actually worked. I also had a dream about Leo the other night. I don't remember what it was about, but I know he was in it. I'm still trying to remember what it was. Maybe some dreams are meant to be remembered, and others forgotten?

Emotional MacGyver

The one year mark has officially passed for Josh and I. I'm his second longest relationship, but he's currently 4th longest for me. I guess I've been around the block. The weekend with him was fun. Prior to dinner, we smoked a little, drank a bit, ate some munchies, and watched a few hours of Sons of Anarchy. Then time for dinner rolled around and we stuffed our faces at a fondue type of place and just relaxed together. The night was fun fooling around and sleeping together. My favorite part about sex isn't necessarily finishing, but exploring my partners body. The crevices and veins and texture is unique from person to person. It's a turn on to be able to imagine what his dick feels like in my mouth because I know it so well. He finished twice within an hour, and it was fun getting there. Lots of lube and stroking and sucking and fucking. Honestly, I feel as if finishing during sex is overrated. Yea it's nice, but I'd rather see my partner happy and satisfied and know I did a good job. The next day, we went to a Devils hockey game. I enjoyed it and liked the atmosphere. I grew up on baseball, which is a totally different experience. My dad loves baseball but I just find it so boring to watch. I've gone to probably about 100 games in my lifetime and can really only remember a few that were worth it. Hockey on the other hand is so exhilarating and fast. It's loud and obnoxious and aggressive and just great. Josh's best friend is on the ice crew so we picked him out during the breaks on the ice. I headed home after the game, and I missed Josh as soon as I got on the train. Spending so much time with him then having to leave is the worst feeling. He and his ex used to go to games all the time together. That's something I wish we could do. I'd love to be a season ticket holder with him and spending several hours a week together just enjoying the thrill of a hockey game. Some couples really take their closeness for granted. Distance really sucks sometimes.
I miss Leo. I've tried to really repress it the last few days, and I've been surprisingly successful. However, I know the more I repress it, the tighter I'm packing the explosives. It's probably the hardest subconsciously conscious thing I've had to do. I try to clean out my messages every few days and delete old threads. But whenever I get to Leo, I can't delete it. I went all the way back in the thread and found where it began. January 11th at 5:48pm. The entire thread is made up of countless texts. I can't even put a number on how many there are. Some light hearted, some funny, some serious, some brutally honest. I'm starting to plan adventures for the summer for what's left of my friend group. Both of them have inquired about Leo and if he's going. I made up an excuse and let it be. I miss him, but I try not to. I tell myself it's best for him and that I need to let him finally maybe be happy. It isn't about me wanting to talk to him and have him in my life. It's about his mental health and his life now. I look back at those messages sometimes and I smile. I just scroll back to a random point and start reading. I can remember the thoughts I was thinking when I wrote those messages. If only I knew I'd be looking back at those stupid meaningless texts and treasuring them as the last (semi) tangible interactions with a friend who's now gone. I still wonder about him every day. Part of me knows he will forever be out of my life, then another part thinks it's just a temporary thing. He'll be back by summer. He'll be back by the beginning of the next semester. He'll be back by Christmas. He'll send me a text on my birthday. Something. I refuse to believe whole heartedly that he's gone forever. But that just means that if I'm wrong, it'll be even more painful to be let down at each imaginary date I set for his return. It's really hard to soak in the good times without your best friend to tell them to. I'm making it work, but just barely. At times I feel emotionally strong and stable and on top of everything. But then at other times I feel like I'm holding myself together with duct tape, a toothpick, and some shoelace.

Hg(CNO)2

I've been thinking a lot lately, and it hasn't been good. As I try to sleep at night, everything sort of hits me at once. My coping mechanism is to push it as far back into my brain as possible and never think about it again. Losing Leo tore me apart for a week. Then I decided to just push it to the back of my mind and pretend the world was ok again. I put on that smile and repress any negativity. While I live in my false reality, things all around me remind me of Leo. Kristen was talking about his roommate earlier today. I saw a U.S. Navy commercial yesterday. Josh told me about a guy he knows who's being deployed to Afghanistan. I have a hoodie that Leo got me hanging on the back of my door. I have the Star Trek socks he got me years ago in my sock drawer. I only wore one pair out of the pack because I want to preserve them. They're special to me.
Because of my wonderful coping mechanism, I feel combative as of late. I can feel my skin thickening in an attempt to protect myself in the future. My walls are becoming higher and stronger. I've wanted to reach out to Leo many many times since I last saw him. I've wanted to talk to his mom or roommate to see how he's doing. But reaching out at all would be exactly what Leo doesn't want. I'm unhealthy for him, and I have to respect that. But I feel like a ticking time bomb. I have layers and layers and layers of protection around my inside core. But if that core is shake, I don't know what is going to happen. I can't handle another heartbreak or upset. My mental health is dangling by a string right now. The only thing keeping me together is knowing that because of this separation, he's getting better. That's all that matters to me.

50mg, 100mg, 150mg

The past few days I've been taking meds to calm me down at night. It's so hard for me to sleep. With Leo out of the picture, it only makes it harder. The clock slowly turns towards 2am while I lay awake thinking. I'm comfortable, warm, have a sleeping kitten next to me, and am exhausted. Yet, I can't get decent rest. My doctor told me to take one dose of a sedative he prescribed to help me sleep. I've been taking two for good measure. At this point, I don't care if I sleep half of my day away. As long as my mind is silenced, I'm ok with that. I spent my whole work day making jokes and fucking with my coworkers. I'd disconnect their sensor magnets, take off their bag holders, steal their receipt tape, or just poke fun at them in general. Laughing and making others smile makes me feel good. I have this feeling of impending doom for some reason. I want to forget what I feel and what I think. I want to focus on what ridiculous thing I'm going to do next to mess with my coworkers. I want to focus on making my sales goals. I want to focus on a history test I have on Monday. I want to focus on myself and my mental health. But I can't. I'm stuck in the prison of my own mind. My depression is creeping back up on me and I'm trying so hard to stop it. Leo broke my heart. Not in a romantic way, but in a very hurtful and significant way. The number of people I trust has dwindled again. Will it ever stop?

Invisible Sacrifice

Trying to drown out my emotions is harder than I thought. I started drinking today at 1pm. Josh and I binged Sons of Anarchy while I tried to drown myself in rum and Oreos. We spent hours and hours and hours just watching Netflix and occasionally talking. It was somewhat soothing. The alcohol was making me happier, Josh made me more comfortable, and Netflix distracted me. It was a nice combination. Then I had to head home. The second I got into the Uber, the anxiety was back. I saw Leo had opened my messages around 3pm so I know he's out of there. I tried to forget my thoughts by blasting to loudest and heaviest rap I know. My eardrums started to hurt, but I didn't care. It helped to silence the thoughts for a while. I came home and had to put on my happy face. I showed my parents a bouquet of roses Josh had surprised me with. I told them it was just a random gift, when in reality he was trying to aid in my ever growing and consuming depression. I watched tv and did laundry for a little, then decided to drink some more. I'm willing to do almost anything to get myself emotionally stable again. I should be happy. Josh and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary in a couple weeks, and I've gotten accepted to the senior college I applied for. This should be a happy time. But it's not. I'm missing my right hand. Leo isn't there for me to text or talk to. I can't ask how he's doing or what's going on. I can't ask for his opinion or tell him about whatever bullshit happened during the day. I know I can't talk to him. He decided that our relationship was unhealthy because of his feelings for me. I can respect that. But in taking this step back, I'm taking a toll on my own mental health. I feel as if my fuse is too short to be dealing with the public for 9hrs tomorrow at work. But I have to. It's selfish of me to talk to him because I know it isn't good for him. Either I fuck him over or I fuck myself over. I've seen him get fucked over too many times in the years I've known him, so I'm taking the loss. I want him to get better and to heal. Sometimes the greatest sacrifices are those unseen to others. Besides Josh, no one sees the state I'm in. No one knows the mental anguish I feel. As long as he gets himself level and healthy again, I can deal with it.

(Un)Inhabitable Zone

I never would have thought that I would leave my visit with Leo in worse condition than when I went in. I had been anxious and nervous all morning looking forward to seeing Leo at the hospital. I couldn't even enjoy my yoga class because I kept thinking about how to get there and what to say and where to go and the rules I had to follow. I got to the campus about 45mins early and was told I couldn't enter. I loitered at a local Dunkin Donuts until the appropriate time. I got my visitor wrist band and walked to the building. It was nice on the outside (and the inside too). I figured out where to go and saw Leo sitting at a table by a window playing with some pin-up girl playing cards. I didn't want to seem too excited to hug him, but it felt so good to feel him again. To know he was ok. We talked about a lot of things, including astronomy and astrophysics. I was only supposed to stay for 20mins because I had a class to get to, but I skipped because I just couldn't leave him. I brought food and we ate and drank tea and talked. Leo eventually told me that he had spoken to someone about our relationship. They thought the relationship was unhealthy because Leo has feelings for me beyond friendship. I had known this already, but didn't think it was getting in the way to the magnitude he explained it to me. He compared me to a cigarette. Saying I was bad for him, but he just can't seem to walk away on his own. That me being in his life made it more difficult. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head. I tried to lighten the mood a little and play it off and tell him that was stupid. But he got very serious and told me I was being manipulative trying to convince him not to listen to the guy who told him this. The hour visit was up way too soon. I told him that if he didn't want to ever see me or speak to me again, I wasn't his mother. I can't force him to do anything. But I made sure to make it clear that he won't be the only one affected if he decides to just cut me out "like breast cancer". He walked me to the exit and I turned around to say goodbye and he was already walking back, too far to yell for him. I left with the group of visitors and told myself to hold it together until I got outside. I took a deep breath of fresh air and put my headphones in. As I walked away, I looked back at the window where Leo was sitting during our visit and it was empty. Empty chairs at an empty table. I turned my music up and didn't look back again.