The past few days I've been taking meds to calm me down at night. It's so hard for me to sleep. With Leo out of the picture, it only makes it harder. The clock slowly turns towards 2am while I lay awake thinking. I'm comfortable, warm, have a sleeping kitten next to me, and am exhausted. Yet, I can't get decent rest. My doctor told me to take one dose of a sedative he prescribed to help me sleep. I've been taking two for good measure. At this point, I don't care if I sleep half of my day away. As long as my mind is silenced, I'm ok with that. I spent my whole work day making jokes and fucking with my coworkers. I'd disconnect their sensor magnets, take off their bag holders, steal their receipt tape, or just poke fun at them in general. Laughing and making others smile makes me feel good. I have this feeling of impending doom for some reason. I want to forget what I feel and what I think. I want to focus on what ridiculous thing I'm going to do next to mess with my coworkers. I want to focus on making my sales goals. I want to focus on a history test I have on Monday. I want to focus on myself and my mental health. But I can't. I'm stuck in the prison of my own mind. My depression is creeping back up on me and I'm trying so hard to stop it. Leo broke my heart. Not in a romantic way, but in a very hurtful and significant way. The number of people I trust has dwindled again. Will it ever stop?
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