Invisible Sacrifice

Trying to drown out my emotions is harder than I thought. I started drinking today at 1pm. Josh and I binged Sons of Anarchy while I tried to drown myself in rum and Oreos. We spent hours and hours and hours just watching Netflix and occasionally talking. It was somewhat soothing. The alcohol was making me happier, Josh made me more comfortable, and Netflix distracted me. It was a nice combination. Then I had to head home. The second I got into the Uber, the anxiety was back. I saw Leo had opened my messages around 3pm so I know he's out of there. I tried to forget my thoughts by blasting to loudest and heaviest rap I know. My eardrums started to hurt, but I didn't care. It helped to silence the thoughts for a while. I came home and had to put on my happy face. I showed my parents a bouquet of roses Josh had surprised me with. I told them it was just a random gift, when in reality he was trying to aid in my ever growing and consuming depression. I watched tv and did laundry for a little, then decided to drink some more. I'm willing to do almost anything to get myself emotionally stable again. I should be happy. Josh and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary in a couple weeks, and I've gotten accepted to the senior college I applied for. This should be a happy time. But it's not. I'm missing my right hand. Leo isn't there for me to text or talk to. I can't ask how he's doing or what's going on. I can't ask for his opinion or tell him about whatever bullshit happened during the day. I know I can't talk to him. He decided that our relationship was unhealthy because of his feelings for me. I can respect that. But in taking this step back, I'm taking a toll on my own mental health. I feel as if my fuse is too short to be dealing with the public for 9hrs tomorrow at work. But I have to. It's selfish of me to talk to him because I know it isn't good for him. Either I fuck him over or I fuck myself over. I've seen him get fucked over too many times in the years I've known him, so I'm taking the loss. I want him to get better and to heal. Sometimes the greatest sacrifices are those unseen to others. Besides Josh, no one sees the state I'm in. No one knows the mental anguish I feel. As long as he gets himself level and healthy again, I can deal with it.