Emotional MacGyver

The one year mark has officially passed for Josh and I. I'm his second longest relationship, but he's currently 4th longest for me. I guess I've been around the block. The weekend with him was fun. Prior to dinner, we smoked a little, drank a bit, ate some munchies, and watched a few hours of Sons of Anarchy. Then time for dinner rolled around and we stuffed our faces at a fondue type of place and just relaxed together. The night was fun fooling around and sleeping together. My favorite part about sex isn't necessarily finishing, but exploring my partners body. The crevices and veins and texture is unique from person to person. It's a turn on to be able to imagine what his dick feels like in my mouth because I know it so well. He finished twice within an hour, and it was fun getting there. Lots of lube and stroking and sucking and fucking. Honestly, I feel as if finishing during sex is overrated. Yea it's nice, but I'd rather see my partner happy and satisfied and know I did a good job. The next day, we went to a Devils hockey game. I enjoyed it and liked the atmosphere. I grew up on baseball, which is a totally different experience. My dad loves baseball but I just find it so boring to watch. I've gone to probably about 100 games in my lifetime and can really only remember a few that were worth it. Hockey on the other hand is so exhilarating and fast. It's loud and obnoxious and aggressive and just great. Josh's best friend is on the ice crew so we picked him out during the breaks on the ice. I headed home after the game, and I missed Josh as soon as I got on the train. Spending so much time with him then having to leave is the worst feeling. He and his ex used to go to games all the time together. That's something I wish we could do. I'd love to be a season ticket holder with him and spending several hours a week together just enjoying the thrill of a hockey game. Some couples really take their closeness for granted. Distance really sucks sometimes.
I miss Leo. I've tried to really repress it the last few days, and I've been surprisingly successful. However, I know the more I repress it, the tighter I'm packing the explosives. It's probably the hardest subconsciously conscious thing I've had to do. I try to clean out my messages every few days and delete old threads. But whenever I get to Leo, I can't delete it. I went all the way back in the thread and found where it began. January 11th at 5:48pm. The entire thread is made up of countless texts. I can't even put a number on how many there are. Some light hearted, some funny, some serious, some brutally honest. I'm starting to plan adventures for the summer for what's left of my friend group. Both of them have inquired about Leo and if he's going. I made up an excuse and let it be. I miss him, but I try not to. I tell myself it's best for him and that I need to let him finally maybe be happy. It isn't about me wanting to talk to him and have him in my life. It's about his mental health and his life now. I look back at those messages sometimes and I smile. I just scroll back to a random point and start reading. I can remember the thoughts I was thinking when I wrote those messages. If only I knew I'd be looking back at those stupid meaningless texts and treasuring them as the last (semi) tangible interactions with a friend who's now gone. I still wonder about him every day. Part of me knows he will forever be out of my life, then another part thinks it's just a temporary thing. He'll be back by summer. He'll be back by the beginning of the next semester. He'll be back by Christmas. He'll send me a text on my birthday. Something. I refuse to believe whole heartedly that he's gone forever. But that just means that if I'm wrong, it'll be even more painful to be let down at each imaginary date I set for his return. It's really hard to soak in the good times without your best friend to tell them to. I'm making it work, but just barely. At times I feel emotionally strong and stable and on top of everything. But then at other times I feel like I'm holding myself together with duct tape, a toothpick, and some shoelace.