I've been thinking about an update for a long time, but I wasn't quite sure how to start. I still don't, but this blog isn't about perfection. My summer was both busy and quiet in the best ways. I spent time doing things I wanted to do, catching up on sleep, and taking it easy on myself. I've always pushed myself a little harder than I should, so I decided to take a lot of time for myself this summer. This post is a big one so buckle up with some popcorn and enjoy the sideshow that is my life.
The road trip with Vince was a crazy experience from beginning to end. We left on a Saturday morning and arrived very early Sunday morning. The drive took a total of about 14 1/2 hours. We were going to split the driving since he hates driving in the city, but I just never stopped. He told me I could switch off whenever I wanted, but it became a matter of principle for me. I ended up having almost 3x the daily recommended caffeine limit during the drive and I definitely felt wired, but in a good way. At one point on the highway Vince was worried that the bag we had strapped to the roof wasn't secure enough. I pulled over to the shoulder and hopped out to see for myself how it was doing. We decided it would be wise to tie it a couple more times to keep it secure. I'll never forget climbing up the side of his car, standing on his rear wheel, and securing the bag while 18-wheelers whizzed by maybe 5ft behind me. We made it safe and sound to his boyfriend's house around 4am. He had warm food waiting for us and looked very happy to see Vince. We'll call his boyfriend Nohra. Nohra makes the best pulled pork I've ever had. He made us pork bowls with rice, pulled pork, and pickled onions. It was absolutely delicious. However, I was extremely tired by the time we made it there. I ate while Vince and Nohra talked next to me. I kept accidentally "moaning" under my breath when eating and they made fun of me for being a weirdo. Vince and I eventually left and checked into a hotel close by. He didn't want to leave me to stay at a hotel by myself so we shared a room for the night. The next day we went back to Nohra's house to begin the unpacking. I did what I could and Nohra helped with a lot of it. Funny enough, Nohra and I hit it off immediately. We were talking and laughing and poking fun at each other. Eventually, it was time for me to leave for the airport. All three of us started heading to the airport only for me to find out my flight was cancelled. We went back to Nohra's house to figure it out and see if I could get another flight. His parents (they all live together along with Nohra's sister) asked what was wrong when we came back through the door just after leaving a few minutes earlier. We explained what happened and got to work finding another flight. Nothing ended up working out by way of a substitute flight and the soonest I could find was the following day. Nohra's parents extended their home to me and said I could stay there with them instead of paying for a hotel room. Part of me was actually happy I got stuck with Vince and Nohra. Vince is one of my best friends and I was just starting to get to know (and like) Nohra. The three of us hung out most of the day helping unpack Vince's stuff. I ate dinner with them all and it was delicious. There was good conversation, good food, and good people. Eventually everyone settled in their rooms and the three of us were in Nohra's room, where Vince would be staying once I left. Vince fell asleep while Nohra and I played Dark Souls. We decided to settle down and sleep, and I was just about to grab the blanket they gave me to head to the couch where I'd be spending the night. Nohra stopped me and said I could sleep with he and Vince if I wanted. Nohra has a very big bed so it fit the three of us perfectly fine. I snuggled up in the middle between the boys and was happy. I fell asleep pretty quickly because I was still tired from the drive down after only getting a few hours of sleep the night before. I awoke in the morning only to find out the both of them were in and out of bed all night. Apparently Nohra wasn't sleeping well so he moved to the couch but then came back to the bed, but then Vince was having an emotional moment in the bathroom and Nohra was calming him down. Vince decided to go sleep on the couch because I had "starfished" across the bed while they were gone and they both felt guilty moving me since they knew how tired I was. One of Nohra's cats ended up scaring Vince and he came back to the bedroom. Ultimately the two of them slept terribly, but they knew I needed the sleep and didn't want to disturb me. They really are both such great people. I hadn't known Nohra for more than a day before he offered his bed to me and let me sleep there while they were both struggling for sleep themselves. Later that day the three of us went out for lunch together then headed to the airport. We were all talking and laughing the whole ride, enjoying what little time we had left. The goodbye was hard was inevitable. I hugged them both and thanked Nohra for being so kind. He gave me a care package of his homemade pulled pork to bring home and I was elated. I hugged Vince one last time and waved goodbye. None of it actually felt real until my plane started lining up on the runway ready to take off. I looked out the window and thought to myself that I really was leaving a friend behind. Someone I had gone on dinner dates with when we worked together, spent lots of time outside of the office with, and a person I knew I could trust if I needed to vent or seek advice. He went from someone I'd merely look at from across the office every day to someone I truly value as a close friend. All of that was racing through my mind as the plane took off and I officially left Vince and Nohra behind. I barely held back the tears but I pulled myself together, watched a movie, and found myself back home before I knew it. As I was unpacking my bag I found a small toy dinosaur that Vince snuck in. When he found it in a drawer at Nohra's house he thought it was a bug and freaked out as Nohra and I poked fun at him for it. I put the dinosaur on one of my shelves and I look at it every day. It reminds me of the good times I had with them and it makes me happy. If all works out how I intend I would like to visit them again in a few months. I've been thinking about making it a little road trip instead of flying down. I would like Mike to come with me and he said he'd love to, but a lot depends on his schedule as we get closer to the date. Either way, I want to visit Vince and Nohra again some time soon. I still talk to Vince almost every day and I keep up with Nohra every week or two. While I do miss Vince immensely, I'm very happy how well he's doing now that he's somewhere better than here. He gets the love and support he didn't have here with his family. All that matters to me is that he's happier and feels overall better about life, which he definitely does.
Now onto the other main event of the summer for me. Leo and I planned a road trip to fly down south to Texas and drive all the way back up, of course stopping along the way to see the country as best we could. We ended up driving through 15 states in a cherry red pickup truck. I'm a little smaller than average height for a female, so me driving a big shinny pickup truck was a sight to see. I actually loved driving it and did better with it than Leo did. We did a lot of things on the trip. We drove a tank, shot a variety of guns (including an M1919), went to strip clubs, visited a few historical sites, took pictures with the one and only Cocaine Bear, and spent a night camping. There were several highlights to trip and describing them all would take quite a while. I'll say that one of my favorite memories from the trip was sitting in our campsite on a bench in the pitch black drinking moonshine by the fire and having deep conversation. I felt a sort of freedom and peace that's hard to describe. I'm always moving and working in my daily life so taking that time to focus on nothing but the present was something I'll always cherish. However, something happened at the end of the trip that changed everything. I ended up questioning everything I thought I knew about Leo. The final night of our trip we stayed at his apartment since we made it back to the area. We went out drinking and to have fun during the last night. We went to strip clubs and had some fun watching them dance while we talked about our lives and reflected on the trip. When we got back to his apartment he tried to make a very bold pass at me and I told him to just go to bed because he was drunk. I thought that would be the end of it and I'd tell him about it in the morning to watch him squirm. The next morning I woke up to Leo asking if I wanted water. I mumbled something and went back to sleep. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but when I woke up he was trying to force himself on me. I got out of the situation and ended up going home sooner than anticipated driving his car while he stayed back to load stuff onto the pickup to move before he brought it back to the rental dealership. It was devastating at first because I couldn't process what had happened. I ended up sitting in his car in the middle of the street for almost 20 minutes before he realized I was still outside. I was sobbing and struggling to pull myself together so I could drive home. Eventually I felt good enough to drive and started the journey home. I remembered being so excited to leave the city and go on a brand new adventure with one of my closest friends, only to return home barely holding back my tears. I've only told two people about what happened and they both supported me as best they could. I'm still dealing with a lot of self-doubt along with some depression, but I'm determined to move past it and learn how to continue forward in a better headspace. It's something that I'll never forget, but I wish I could.
On to a much more positive topic. Mike and I have been spending more time together and moving in a good direction. His birthday was last month and he invited me to stay for the weekend. I ended up only staying one night, but it was a lot of fun. We drank, smoked, and watched TV for a while. We ended the night with 3 hours of Minecraft content on the couch snuggling and talking. We were laying together with his head on my chest and my hand gently rubbing his head. I could tell he was falling asleep we went to bed. We slept in the next day and I had to leave to bring a friend of mine to her vaccine appointment. She was nervous about it and I told her I'd accompany her for support. After the appointment I headed back to Mike's house. He had gotten us tickets to see ZZ Top where Woodstock was held during the summer of '69. We drove a few hours there and back and spent the whole time talking about everything and nothing. The concert itself was good, but we were having more fun talking and people watching as the old hippies were dancing all around us. Overall it was a very weekend and I wouldn't change it for the world. We had another concert together a few weeks ago to see a blues rock band in the city. We both took the next day off work so we could spend the entire next day together watching movies and spending quality time together. I do still want to try seriously dating him and I feel as if he's making steps in the right direction towards dating. I told him I wanted to take a trip to visit Vince down south in January when I have some time off during winter break. He said he'd want to go with me and would have to check what his work schedule would allow. I hadn't even invited him yet and he was already prepared to plan for taking time off so we could spend a week together. While nothing is set in stone by way of a serious relationship between us, it appears as if he's making conscious efforts to spend more time together and plan activities. That being said, we hung out on Halloween for a bit. He had invited me to a family Halloween party at his mom's house but by the time I got out of work for the day it was pretty much over. He didn't communicate this to me until I had already left my house in full costume. He told me to just meet him at his place in a couple hours and we'd settle in for a movie and some food. I kept myself busy doing some errands until the couple hours past. He didn't answer the phone when I called a few times and I got frustrated. I felt as if I had wasted a lot of my day waiting for him to eventually get home. He called me back after a little bit and I explained how I felt and that I thought he was being neglectful of my time and unappreciative for the time I put aside for him. We spoke for about 20 minutes on the phone before he invited me back to his place. He wanted to try and make it up to me and sounded genuinely sorry and upset about how I told him I felt. I met him at his place and he hugged me immediately as soon as I saw him and apologized again. We talked a little while I played with his dog on the floor and we ordered food. We settled on the couch with our food and put on a couple scary movies. We laughed and poked fun at the movies and I felt happy again. I had work the next day, so I told him I had to leave soon around 7pm. We ended up watching another scary movie together on the couch while he gently rubbed my feet. I'm sure it sounds silly, but just him holding my foot makes me feel better. Eventually the movie ended and it was close to 11pm. I told him I had to go and that my parents would kill me if I stayed any longer. He told me to just lie with him on the couch for a few minutes. We laid in the dark talking and he told me he wanted me to stay over. I told him it wasn't practical given I didn't have work clothes for the following day or anything else I'd need. He told me I should keep some clothes at his house in case I wanted to stay over sometime spontaneously. It took me by surprise because I wasn't expecting such a big jump from someone who had just shafted me earlier that day. He told me he had a spare toothbrush and everything I could need waiting for me. I confirmed with him that he'd definitely want me to keep some clothes and things at his house and he said yes. I went over this past weekend to his house and brought some clothes. When I asked him where I should put them he opened his dresser and showed me an empty drawer. Not only am I keeping things at his house now, but I have a space of my own. I've had doubts about things thus far in our relationship, but I feel as if that's a major move to make with someone. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but it does feel like a big step for a budding relationship. He also invited me to be his date to a wedding next month so that's also cool.
The final personal life topic to cover is Seth. Seth and I have been seeing each other for a few years now. We've had many adventures and made countless memories together. As a final act of my summer vacation I decided he and I would go away to Montauk together. I booked us the best room at my favorite hotel there and we spent 5 days with just us. We went to the beach, did a deep sea fishing charter (Seth's first time ever fishing), took a horseback riding tour along the beach, and spent every night in each other's arms. We would laugh and talk and drink out on our balcony at night that overlooked the marina. Again, there are memories I made there that I'll never forget. However, shortly after we returned home we ended up separating. Seth said that at this point we needed to take a step back from each other since he could tell I wanted to focus on Mike. It broke both our hearts and is still difficult to think about. He told me that I'm his closest friend and I feel the same way. We tell each other everything and have a very close bond, however, we know being a serious couple would never work out for several reasons. We decided to keep things distant for a while, but it didn't last long. I told him about my exposure to a COVID positive kid at work because I know he cares about my wellbeing. He was obviously worried until I received my negative test. We've been talking regularly since then, albeit usually short and sweet throughout the day. We saw each other yesterday on account of him losing a bet from a few months ago. He owed me lunch at our favorite Japanese BBQ place. We ate and drank and walked around. We ended up settling down in a food court where it was warm and not as loud as the restaurant before. We talked about our relationship and he ended up gently putting his hand on mine and caressing my face. It's hard for us to stray from the physical nature of our relationship since it's pretty much all we've ever known with each other. The physical part of our relationship doesn't just encompass sexual touch, but a lot of times just loving hugs or holding hands or resting our legs against each other. The love we have for each other is palpable. Towards the end of our lunch we were walking to get ice cream and he pulled me aside on the sidewalk. He pulled both of our masks down and told me that I meant the world to him and I had no idea how much he loved me. He kissed my head and hugged me tightly cheek to cheek. As we pulled away I ended up kissing him. We kissed each other and I told him he means more than Andromeda to me (since he said I meant the world to him). We both laughed at my terrible attempt at flirting and continued walking together. Eventually I got picked up by my taxi and we said goodbye. We hugged and he pulled down my mask one last time to kiss me and say goodbye. As I got in the car I watched him slowly disappear into the hustle and bustle of the street. I know it won't be the last time seeing him, but it always hurts to say goodbye to someone you love so dearly.
The final chapter in this lengthy post is about work and school. School has been stressful this semester and it seems more overwhelming than last year. I'm officially more than halfway done with my Master's Degree and I couldn't be happier about it. While it is a lot of work, I know I am more than capable of doing it. I've had many sleepless nights and breaks spent at work doing homework or studying for my classes. It's exhausting at times but I know eventually getting my MA will be worth it. Work has also been stressful recently. It's difficult to explain it all to someone who doesn't understand the requirements of my MA, but basically I need a certain amount of "supervision hours" from someone who is licensed within my state. I need about 2,000 hours of supervision work accompanied by direct supervision such as a one-to-one meeting at least once a week. The person who was previously supervising me left over the summer and no one informed me until after I signed my contract for the upcoming school year. It's been a scramble trying to figure out how to make everything work and keep myself on track for graduation. I've spent many hours doing independent research trying to come up with a solution. It sounds as if my old supervisor is willing to come back and supervise me but the details are still being ironed out. Another reason for my stress at work was an incident that happened a couple weeks ago. I've introduced Burger before, but he's the kid I work with on a daily basis. He's nonverbal and quite the pain in my ass sometimes, but I love him to pieces. About a month ago he had a seizure. I caught the warning signs early and by the time the violent seizing started the nurse and EMTs were already on the way. He had a seizure last year as well but that one was what's known as a petit mal seizure, which is much less severe than this time. This time is a grand mal seizure. The teacher, the nurse, and I were able to guide him to the floor so he wouldn't fall and hit his head, and the nurse administered a seizure medication. I felt powerless because there was nothing I could do to help but to tell him it was going to be ok and that I was there. I kept my hand on his leg and did whatever the nurse told me to do. His lips began turning blue and the nurse alerted the inbound EMTs that he needed advanced life support. The whole situation beginning to end was about 20 minutes but it felt like a lifetime. I watched as the EMTs gave him oxygen and took his vitals. Eventually they decided he was stable enough to load onto the stretcher and rush him to the hospital. Everyone including myself insisted that I should go with him because he knows me and should have a familiar face when he becomes conscious again. Ultimately it was decided that my supervisor would go instead because she had the family's contact information and it made more sense. While it did make more logical sense, I felt guilty following them outside and watching as they put him in the ambulance knowing I wouldn't be going. He made a full recovery but spent several days out of school to figure things out medically. When I saw him for the first time the following week I gave him a big hug and almost cried. I'm sure some people would think it's weird how attached I am to a person who can't even reciprocate conversation, but I do love him. Burger's mom along with several school administrators commended me for catching it so early and told me I helped save his life. Coming home that night I was emotionally exhausted and worried out of my mind. I'm beyond happy that he's better now and seemingly in good spirits. He's resumed his role as the pain in my ass and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I guess this concludes the giant life update. I've thought about writing this for weeks, even months at this point, but didn't know where to begin. This might sound like a jumbled mess but that's honestly a pretty accurate representation of my life at the moment. I swear I'll try to write more often. I know giant posts like these are probably more difficult to swallow than normal length posts so I'll try my best to keep the posts regular. My schedule is always busy and hectic, but writing posts always makes me feel a little better. Writing here is an outlet for me and a way for me to express myself, so I hope you're enjoying the chaotic shit show that has always been my life.
Here's a Fun Fact of the Day to lighten the mood - I have a small knife collection. I've always loved knives and officially started collecting them not too long ago. I have a big bowie knife, a couple beautiful Damascus steel knives, a pretty rainbow knife, a few basic assisted open knives, and a S&W boot knife so far. I've always found knives to be beautiful and unique, so I'm started to collect ones I feel drawn to. For now my collection isn't terribly impressive, but I hope to make it much larger in the future.
I've been thinking about the music drop and if anyone actually listens to what I post. I hope at least someone does. Music is a universal language that evokes emotion, and I want to share that with people.
"Everything you do, everything you go through, will become your kindling. They compel you, to keep the fire burning within you"
