Last Day of High School..

Well today was the last day I'll ever attend high school classes. Its kinda sad and depressing. All day, the seniors have just been messing around. Today was supposed to be senior prank day. We were planning a food fight during lunch but nothing went down. I was kinda looking forward to it. Oh well.
Anywho. Remember I was supposed to meet Leo this morning? We were going to meet outside since its nice weather. I got out of my dads car and went to walk to the field but someone saw me. He's a friend of mine and we started talking. I was caught. I couldn't go anywhere. I texted Leo and told him I couldn't make it. I felt so bad. So guilty. He said it was ok but told me to meet him after school in the field. I did. It took some effort, but I was able to escape from Bambi for a second. We talked for a second and I apologized for missing our meeting this morning. He said it was ok. We hugged. He kissed my cheek and I smiled. I told him that I'll miss him now that I won't be school anymore. He was silent. Then, he leaned forward and kissed my lips. It was only a quick peck but it was so soft and nice. I was kinda in shock. I giggled a bit and teased him saying he finally grew balls. He smiled then said I better get back to Bambi.
I left and returned to Bambi. He and I gathered our things and headed out. While leaving the building, I saw Leo. He and I made eye contact and smiled. As Bambi and I were walking to the bus stop, Leo was walking parallel to us across the street. I looked to Bambi and then at Leo. Leo and I made eye contact again. He smiled and I quickly looked away. I didn't want Bambi so see him. Bambi and I got onto the bus and talked. We were a normal couple. At the mall, he took off his watch. He always wears a watch on his left wrist. He cuts. He last cut a few weeks ago when he and I fought about something stupid. I cut too. I haven't cut in a while. Maybe a month or longer. I'm not as unstable as he is. I just have moments of weakness. But he and I discussed his depression and cutting problems. I want him to get help from a therapist or something but he refuses to talk to anyone. He doesn't want to ask for help. So damn stubborn. I guess I'm stubborn too though. Two peas in a pod. But now I'm on my way home. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I get home. Maybe get a bowl of ice cream. Coffee ice cream. Yea.
I need to clear my head. Leo kissed me. He really did it. I don't know what I should be most put off by; the fact that he kissed me, or the fact that I liked it.

Life is Complicated

Last night, after I did my last blog post, something interesting happened. I read Leo's blog. He began a blog the same time I did. We both agreed it was a good way to vent our feelings and express things we couldn't say to the other person. Since he had read mine (without my consent), he insisted I read his to balance the scale. I felt like I was invading his privacy. I only read his 3 most recent posts then I had to stop. I couldn't keep reading. Every post was about how much he loves me and how much I break his heart. He and I were supposed to meet before school by the sound equipment downstairs all this week but I never came. He brought a chess set and some candles. It was going to be a cute gesture but I didn't show up. I was scared to go. I'm afraid of what I may do. I promised myself I wouldn't cheat. I don't want to touch him or kiss him. In not going downstairs, he was heartbroken. He poured out his soul to the blog. I felt so guilty. I lead him on then crush him. I love Leo. I hate saying this, but he's almost like a backseat boyfriend. When Bambi isn't around, I hang out with Leo. I'm a user. But I love him. I'm not using him. But he thinks I am. I actually care about him. I would never intentionally hurt him. We decided to meet this morning before school to talk. We only spoke for about 10mins but it was nice. We walked and talked outside. It was nice weather. Tomorrow, he wants me to meet him in the schools back field to talk. He says he is planning something. I'm not sure what it is. I'm kinda scared but excited. Isn't this something Bambi and I should be doing? Talking and playing around? All we do is argue. Today, he got mad at me because I was texting a guy friend. Mimi. I've mentioned him once or twice before. Mimi is like my little brother and he and I barely speak anymore. Mimi backed away from me because Bambi was so scary and threatening. In being mad at me, Bambi hurt me. He jabbed my arm and left it red. Yesterday, he slapped me. I think it was in a playful manner but it still hurt. He takes his anger out on me a lot. I don't know why. Such is life.
Okay. So. Anyway. The panic is over. I found the ring. Thank Zeus. Bambi and I went to Swarovski and exchanged it. I got the new one to fit my ring finger. It's now a promise ring. It's fitting I guess. I don't think my mother noticed yet. She will eventually. Well, tomorrow is my last day of school. Great. I'm excited but nervous and scared. I'm growing up too fast. Someone needs to find the pause button. Quick.

State of Emergency

Today was a good day. I was in a good mood and everything kinda flew by. I had the whole computer lab to myself. It was awesome. I just sat, typed, listened to music and focused. I needed some alone time to chill out. At lunch, I found Bambi drawing. He has 2 papers due on Friday that he hasn't even started. Ugh. Its annoying to watch him neglect his work and not care. I'm going to write one of the papers for him today when I get home.
Anyway, on to the major issue of the day. Remember the ring Bambi gave me? Its two seperate parts that come together to form one ring. Since my mother fucked it up, we were going to exchange it today. I kept the ring(s) in my pocket the whole day. I went into my pocket during last period and what do I find? There's only one piece in my pocket. I panic and run around the whole school looking on the floors to find it. I checked the bathroom, library, and all the classes I attended today. It wasn't anywhere. I told the teachers (even random people) and the janitor to be on the look out for it. I'm praying that someone finds it and turns it in. I'm really freaking out. Bambi wasn't happy when I told him (understandably so). He's actually kinda mad at me. At the bus stop, he smacked my face (not too hard) and said it was a fly (obviously in a joking manner). I feel like he takes his anger out through hurting poeple; mostly either me or himself. I guess I can see why he's mad but its not like I meant to lose it. It was an accident. A very bad one. I hate life right now. I REALLY need to find this ring. Seriously.

Back Online

When was the last time I blogged? Saturday? Dammit. Well I'll do a little recap of what's happened in the last few days...
1) my mother broke the ring that Bambi gave me and we fought
2) because of the fight, she took my phone (why I haven't blogged in a bit)
3) Leo went on an AP Chem trip to Phillidelphia. Lucky.
4) Bambi had a breakdown at the mall today while we were waiting for the bus. We got off the line and I calmed him down. He may not graduate. He's barely passing his classes, and he's even failing some. He has two papers due by Friday. He's under a lot of pressure. I'm going to surprise him by writing his papers for him. I have my fair share of work but I want to see him be ok.
Now I'm on my way home. I have a Marine Bio project due tomorrow. A 3pg paper along with an oral presentation/report. I'm going to start on Bambi's papers today too. One is for his Band class and the other is for AP Environmental. I seriously have a lot on my plate right now. Geez. Only one week of school left. I just have to last a bit longer.

Bob

Today I worked 7-12pm. Only a 5hr shift, not bad. It went kinda quick. Bob was a bitch. Bob is an old guy who works there almost every morning from like 5-11am. He's 76 I think. He's just very grumpy and has an "I'm better than you" attitude. He treats me like shit. I ask him one question and he flies off the handle and get pissed at me. I really hate him. Working with him sucks. He always complains that I know nothing and I'm useless. To be honest, it really hurts me. I never get any positive feedback from work. I always think I'm not good enough and everyone else is better than me. I've always had a self-confidence problem. When I was younger, maybe 7 or 8, I was molested. That's one of my deepest secrets. One of the local neighborhood kids touched me. He was a few years older than me. We moved away from that area about a year or so after it happened. I never said anything because I was scared. So ever since then, I've always had an inner struggle with my confidence. I showed signs of depression. I was brought to a therapist. Since around 6th or 7th grade, I've been annorexic. I don't eat much. I think I'm really fat, so I only eat one meal a day. I have a Monster in the morning with Bambi before school, skip lunch to go to the library and work, then eventually eat dinner around 7 or 7:30pm. I have an average BMI. I'm 5'2 1/2 and weigh 130lbs. I have a 34D chest size so that makes up a couple pounds I think. I just always see myself as inferior to everyone else. So hearing that shit at work really upsets me. I'm actually debating quitting my job. Sometimes, its just too much to handle. I'm constantly being bashed by Bob. I hate it. I hate myself already, I don't need him yelling at me and judging me. I make mistakes. I admit it. But I apologize, try to make it right, then move on. Everyone else there seems to get along with eachother. I feel like I'm usually the outcast. Well, that's enough pouring out of my soul for today. I suffer from depression and lingering annorexia. Woot. I don't work till noon tomorrow so I'll be taking full advantage of that. I'm gonna stay up and watch anime. Awesome.

Prom Step-by-Step

Alright so lemme give a brief overview of prom and the events after. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but there's a lot to cover...
1) I got to Bambi's house around 5pm. He and I took numerous pics at his house. Then Kyle, George and Jeremy showed up in the limo. We picked up Andrea then gathered everyone else at Megan's house. In our group was Kyle, Jeremy (Kyle's date), Gaby & George, Andrea, Jessica, Claude & Megan, Vinny & I. We took a million group pics and dropped off our overnight bags at Megan's house. We were sleeping over there after prom.
2) we headed to the prom which was 7-11pm. When we walked in, we all had to do a breathalizer. No lie. Everyone passed (thank god). The prom was loud and annoying. Not my scene. But they had a chocolate fountain. Pretty awesome.
3) our first stop after prom was JIB Lanes to go bowling. It was boys vs. girls. Girls won. I bowled a 120 game..apparently no other girls can bowl...
4) we left bowling and drove claude into the city to Club Cococabana. Why? Because he's an ass. So he left our group to join the 'popular people' at an expensive club. After we dropped off Claude, we drove Andrea home. At this point, it was 2am.
5) we had a reservation to a karaoke place from 2-3am but because Claude made us drive him into the city, we were 30mins late. They let us use the room from 2:30-3:30am. I sang S&M by Rhianna with Kyle. It was fucking awesome.
6) during karaoke, Claude called and said he doesn't like the club that he ditched us for. He wanted us to come and pick him up because he had no money for a cab or train ride. We said it couldn't be done. Our time restraints were strict, so we didn't really have time to spare to pick him up. We only had the limo till 5, so unless we rented to limo for another hour ($80), we needed to make a choice: dessert or Claude. What did we choose? Dessert!! Claude said he would somehow meet us at a diner by Megan's house.
7) we went to Bubby's (a dessert place) in the city. I got a black and white milkshake. It was pretty good. Others got cookies, cakes or pies. We ate on the way to the diner.
8) we show up at the diner around 4:50. Claude was there. We all were pissed at him. Especially Megan. Claude was her date then left her. Asshole..but anyway, we all were together again and the limo left. The diner was closed, so we walked to 711 and got a few snacks.
9) we walked to megans house (maybe 3/4 of a mile) in the rain in prom outfits still on. Her mom greeted us at the door. We all took turns changing out of formal gear and into pjs. We were all getting comfy around 6. We found a movie to watch On Demand around 6:30. The Dictator. It was so stupidly funny. I was cuddled close to Bambi on the floor. We shared a blanket and a couple of pillows. We were very happy just sleeping next to eachother. We had never slept together before. Our legs intertwined and my head was on his chest. I listened to his heartbeat as I drifted to sleep.
10) I woke up a few times in the night/early morning. Everyone was snoring (Bambi included). We all eventually woke up around 9:30-10ish. Seeing Bambi's face first thing in the morning made me smile. Before I could even say anything, he softly kissed me and said "Good morning my love. How did you sleep?". He's so damn cute. Megan's parents gave us breakfast. They provided us with bacon, sausage, waffles, ice cream (chocolate and vanilla), fresh sliced fruit, juices, milk, tea and coffee. We all sat around the table talking and laughing. We were still mad at claude. But we had fun. People took turns showering and changing. Bambi and I departed from Megans around 11:30ish. 11 ) Bambi and I went to his house a few blocks from Megan's. We had the house to ourselves. Bambi got into the shower and I was in his room getting the makeup off my face from the previous night. After about 10mins he walks back into his room with nothing but a towel on. It was sexy but casual. We both are so comfortable with eachother. Not everything is sexual. We were just talking about music and normal things like that. He was totally naked and we acted like it was an every day thing. It was weird. He asked me to help him dry his hair because his neck hurt and he couldn't do it himself. He was only in a pair of boxers. I helped him but then he got horny. He put me on his lap and we made out. That ended up turning into us 69ing on his bed. Oh well. We were both happy.
12) we leave his house around 1pm and head to SamAsh. Today was the day I was buying him a new guitar. We got a little confused on the way there because we had never taken the bus to SamAsh. We made it there and spent a while just looking and trying some out. He chose a Les Paul Classic with a black finish. It's a sexy guitar. So we bought the guitar and took the buses back to his house. We got caught in the rain but we didn't mind. It was an adventure for us. It's not often we spend so much time together alone. We enjoyed every moment. After about an hour and a half of being lost/using a GPS, we made it home at 5pm. His mom was home. Bambi showed off his new guitar. She loved it and so did his father. Bambi's mom and I spoke about prom over a bowl of pasta. Then I had to depart.
13) I got home and showered. Now I'm in bed. I have work tomorrow from 7-12. It's a short shift. I'll survive.

Soooo that's my prom/day after prom experience. Let the good times roll.

Yet Another Therapy Session

Alrighty. I haven't exactly been keeping my word on blogging more predictably. I apologize. My hectic life and schedule often prevent me from finding 10mins to blog. Anyhow, let me share what happened yesterday.
Yesterday, Leo had invited me downstairs to his sound cave. He wanted to take a look at my swollen ankle. Boyscouts are apparently jack of all trades. I was going to go downstairs but Bambi and Andrea saw me. Damn. So I went about my normal before school activities. Bambi and I went to the deli and got an energy drink. We walked back to school and then that's when it started. My mood crashed. Andrea was complaining about how one of her ears is clogged. She went on for 20mins complaining. At least her mom cared enough to bring her to a doctor. Mine still hasn't made an appointment. Its been 2 weeks since I hurt my ankle and still no medical attention. Thanks mom. So that's pretty much what triggered my bad mood. I was quiet all day. I'm usually kinda bubbley and random and upbeat. But not yesterday. I kept my words to myself. I have an anger problem sometimes. When I get quiet, its like the calm before the storm. I needed to keep to myself if I wanted to stay calm. The day finished and Bambi and I went to the mall per usual. We hung out for a bit and he was able to cheer me up.
When I got home, I needed to try on my prom dress and shoes. I really do look beautiful. Its not often I can honestly compliment myself. Its a long purple dress with a scalloped top. I think I may be curling my hair but I'm not sure. I also need makeup. I usually NEVER wear makeup. I'm a tomboy. I'm good with wearing a tshirt and cargos with my hair up in a bun. The world of girly things is confusing. Anyway, so I tried my dress on and it fit perfectly. By that point, Leo was on Facebook and we were talking like we do every evening. I called him around 10:30pm. I don't know why, but I actually like talking to him on the phone. We talked for about 2hrs. Apparently while talking, he got horny. He started to fap while on the phone with me. I could hear it. He wanted me to touch myself too. He was talking dirty and actually got me horny. I'm so fucking awkward. I couldn't dirty talk back. I told him to enjoy his night (in a somewhat sexy voice) and we parted ways. Is it wrong that I let him fap while on the phone with me?
On a totally seperate note: Bambi and I have plans for tomorrow, the day after prom. Everyone is sleeping over at our friend Megan's house Thursday to Friday. Friday morning, we go to the local diner for breakfast then we split. The rest of the group is seeing the Star Trek movie while Bambi and I go back to his place. I'm gonna have an overnight bag so I'll drop that off at Bambi's house. Then, we're both gonna shower (not together) then I'm gonna give him a massage. His back has been bad lately so I figured I'll bring some cream and massage his back after we both shower. Hopefully it'll help his back and make him relax. After a massage, we're gonna head to SamAsh for a new guitar for him. We were going to go yesterday but time wasn't on our side. Tomorrow we have all day.
I'm excited for prom to begin already. I would post pictures but then you guys would know what I look like. I really don't want one of you coming up to me on the street like "oh my god! I read your blog!"...awkward...the point of this blog isn't to become famous through my teenage angst, but to just tell my story and feelings as they develop. Maybe someday, someone will even comment on here and give advice. Ugh. I'm turning my blog into my therapist. Oh well. I'll see if I can blog little tid bits as the night progresses but probably not. I'll try to blog tomorrow and share my prom experience. I've never been in a limo before. I wonder if its really as cool as people say...

One Day To Prom..

Tuesday was an ok day. Nothing special really happened. Although, my grades were put online for the mid-quarter reports. I have decent grades. My highest average is a 100, then a couple grades in the 90s and 80s. My total GPA is an 81.48. It used to be an 86.56. My Marine Bio teacher is an idiot. She put 0s for shit I did. Same with my choir director. And same with Pre-Calc. I brought up these issues and they apologized and promised to fix it. It has yet to be fixed. Fucking teachers.
Anyway, nothing exciting happened yesterday. The highlight of my day was yelling at the teachers. Whoohoo. Today is the last day of school until prom. Prom is tomorrow at around 9 I think. The limo is picking me up from Vinny's house at 5:30ish. We're renting a limo for 12hrs (5pm-5am). For our After-Prom Party, we want to go karaoking, running through Central Park, bowling, and get desserts; all in our prom gear. Around 4:30, we're going back to Megan's house and sleeping for a bit. Friday we may all go to Dave and Busters. Maybe. Bambi and I may just hang out at his house. I wanna shower and relax after prom. It'll be nice spending time with him. So that's the summary of the next couple days. Hectic. 

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Yesterday was our anniversary. Bambi and I made it to the one year mark. We were going to go to a carnival at my brothers school but it was raining. So instead, I went over to his house.
Before we hung out, I had work from 7-2. I was exhausted to say the least. However, I was in a good mood all day at work. I was singing and talking to the customers. My boss actually had to tell me to stop singing. It was around 11 and who comes into the shop? Leo. He said he wanted to visit but I figured that it was too rainy. It had been drizzling all day. But he was there. I took his order and rang him up. As he was making his coffee, I left the counter and talked to him. We talked for maybe 5mins then he had to go. So I finished up work and headed to the tailor (I'm getting my prom dress fitted). The tailor was closed but my mom and I went shoe shopping. After that, she drove me to Bambi's house.
He met me at the door and he wished me a happy anniversary. We hugged then went inside. We talked for a bit then he wanted to give me gifts. He gave me a teddy bear and a ring. A gorgeous ring. Its from Swarovski. I love it. Its a pinky ring. My parents would flip out if I came home with a ring on my ring finger. I gave him an ipod touch I bought off of my friend. Bambi's old ipod broke so I got him a new one. He refused to take it. My ipod also broke earlier last week. He said that I should have it because I needed it more. I'm still bringing him guitar shopping on Friday. I'm getting him a nice new guitar. So after we exchanged gifts, we watched a movie for a bit. It was stupid. Then we went over to his grandparents' house to eat. On our way back to his house, he let me ride the skateboard that he's making me. It rides sooo smoothly. After I rode for a bit, we went back inside and talked and finished the terrible movie. I then got a ride home, showered and slept. My phone is being a bit wacky so that's why I didn't blog this last night. Oh well. Hopefully today will be a good day despite the gross weather.

So today I worked 7-12. Not a long shift but taxing nonetheless. I was up semi-late last night. Till midnight. I called Leo after I got home from the concert. We talked for a while about happy topics. The usual silliness. However, the conversation then got serious. He said he feels like he always gets second prize to Bambi. Bambi is my boyfriend, so that's the way it should be. But Leo thinks I use him. In a way, it seems I do. We have these secret intimate moments, then I need to hide him away so Bambi doesn't see. I sit on Leo's lap. I pinch his cheeks. I hug him. I tell him how much I love him. I shouldn't be doing that to a guy who isn't my boyfriend. Especially when I'm taken. I know Leo is in love with me. And frankly, I think I may be in love with him too. I'm willing to give him anything. That is, anything but a relationship. Bambi got to me first. I'm fully invested. I'm going to make this work. I promise. But am I being selfish for even talking to Leo? All I do is get closer to him. We can't be together. I make him love me more and more. We can't be together. We've tried not talking and going our seperate ways. That lasted for maybe a few days. Maybe. I need him. He needs me. I need Bambi. He needs me. What do I do?
So we continued to talk. He said he had something to tell me. He said he's been reading my blog. This blog was meant for me to have an outlet. Somewhere to vent. Maybe even get opinions from you viewers out there. I showed him a couple entries but that's it. Only the first two entries were shown to him. He googled it and found it I guess. He said he was able to learn more about me. Is this blog that informative? But anyway, I was somewhat hurt. I told him not to read this. This wasn't for him. This was for me. And Leo, if you're reading this, stop. Please.

Café Concert Choas

Yesterday I forgot to blog. Well. Shit. I guess nothing exciting really happened.
It was a pretty normal day. Bambi and I hung out and went to the mall. We were laughing and smiling the whole time. I love how he makes me smile. He makes me feel beautiful and like I mean something. We have our little inside 'jokes'. There's a song from Juno (my favorite movie) where it says "if you'll be a wink, I'll be a nod". So everytime he winks at me, I nod back at him and vice versa. Its cute. I also have this face I make which he ALWAYS laughs at. Its my tantrum face. He says I look like a 5yr old when I make it. Bambi and I are just cute. He's about 5'9 while I'm 5'2 1/2 so the height difference makes people laugh. He has long curly brown hair pulled back into a ponytail that I call his poof. He also has an extensive beard and a bit of a mustache. I love his facial hair. He started growing it out because I mentioned that I love guys with facial hair. Ain't that cute? He has the bluest eyes and the cutest smile. He's a first generation Italian. His family loves me. Bambi's brother, Vito, was a close friend before I ever really met Bambi. Vito is a year older than Bambi, and 2yrs older than me. Vito and I get along. We can always joke around and have deep talks. His parents love me too. His mother always talks to me and invites me over. She cooks me dinners and we talk about girly things. His father likes me too I think. We don't speak much. Bambi's grandparents live a few houses down from him. They always invite me over and offer food. They even gave me a nickname. I've become part of the family, and I love it.
Anyway, so we hung out then I went home. Pretty average day. Leo and I talked on fb. I called him around 11. I think I woke him up. But we talked for maybe 20mins then he went to bed. I followed soon after. Then. Today happened.
After school today, Bambi and I went to the mall for skateboard parts. He's modding a skateboard for me. Longboard wheels, hardware, bearings and a wide trucks. I'm excited to finally ride it. Hopefully it'll be done by next week. Anywho. Today was the Café Concert at my school. The band, chorus (beginners in singing), choir (more experienced singers), and some solo acts performed. Leo is in band, and so is Bambi. Ironically, they sit next to eachother in the pit. Bambi plays bass clarinet and Leo plays the euphonium. I'm in choir. That's right, I can sing. So we all did our thing and performed. I clapped for band a lot. My two favorite people were there. And frankly, they kicked ass. Bambi also played his electric guitar for a choir song. Don't Stop Believing. It was awesome. After the concert, Leo and I were on the sound system take-down. He gave me a note, and his tie. (That's kinda a running tradition between he and I. He always gives me a tie whenever we do a concert.). So we talked briefly and I told him I would call him later tonight. I then hugged Bambi and Vito goodbye. I'm on my way home now. I got work in the AM. Whoo.

AP Deutsch

Today was the AP German exam. It went horribly, just as I thought it would. AP US History was also today. Leo took that exam. Everyone in the AP tests has no classes, so after Kyle and I got out of the exam, we went out to eat. Leo wasn't done yet, but I texted him and told him to meet us at McDonalds. Kyle and I were walking back to school maybe an hour later and Leo ran into us. We talked for a bit, then Kyle went to do something in school. I didn't want to go. I stayed with Leo.
We walked around a bit. He said we could hang out at his aunt's house for a while. We had about an hour and a half till Bambi would be out of school. So we walked to his aunt's house. She wasn't home. We went to her backyard and sat on a bench. We talked about his childhood, then mine. Various topics were discussed. He put me on his lap and we hugged and he kissed my neck and cheek. After a few minutes, he turned me around to face him. My legs now were wrapped around him. Our heads rested nose-to-nose and we starred into eachothers eyes. We smiled a lot and continued to speak. I leaned in to kiss him at least 5 or 6 times. Each time, he pulled back. He really does care about me. He wouldn't let me ruin my relationship with Bambi for a few moments of pleasure with him. Time flew by, and eventually I had to leave. We walked back to school and went our seperate ways.
I found Bambi inside school. He needed to practice with the music teacher. There's a concert on Friday and he's playing the guitar. I'm in the choir so I'm performing as well. Ever heard of Don't Stop Believing? We're singing that, and Bambi is playing electric guitar for the solos. He's very good with a guitar. So he practiced for about 30mins while I walked around and talked to people.
After practice, Bambi and I took the bus to the mall. We finally went to Applebees. We talked and giggled and exchanged words of love. We ate then wandered the mall for a bit. He's so sweet and silly. He really loves me. We're able to joke and laugh together. It's a nice relationship. A strong one too. We've been through a lot of shit. Today was confusing. I want Bambi. I want Leo. Who do I choose?

A Picnic...Oh Well...

So today was a normal day. I came to school and was happy to see my friends. However, before seeing them, I met up with Leo downstairs by his sound equipment. We just hugged and whispered. He was doing an activity outside school today. He was going to take middle schoolers to do outside activities at a Field Day that our high school hosts every year. He was gone all day from school. Besides that, school was normal. Bambi and I hugged and kissed per usual.
After school, there was a picnic. The Beattitudes club hosted one outside in the school's field. It was nice. I bought cookies and cups and chips. We all had fun. Leo was there. Bambi, Leo and I were all in the same area. It was strange. I love both of these guys so much, yet, they hate each other. But anyway, the picnic was fun. After the picnic, Bambi and I took the bus together then split our seperate ways. I really do love him. The way he makes me smile is incredible. I'll be mad at him and then I end up laughing 5mins later. I really do think he's my other half. Tomorrow he and I are going out to an early dinner at Applebees since our date Monday was cancelled. I have an AP German exam tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell and need some sleep. I love him. Maybe a bit too much sometimes.

Keep it Coming

So I got to the mall yesterday only to find that Bambi was late. 45mins late. We only had about 20mins together before I needed to head home again. He didn't even bring any money for food. I was clearly upset with him because I was looking forward to just talking and hanging out. I needed a nice, relaxing day. I wanted to see Bambi and have a little date. Oh well. After I got home, my mom and I hung out a bit and talked. It was nice. After dinner, I got ready for bed.
Then, Leo called. We talked for over an hour and didn't hang up till midnight. I usually hate phone calls but its different with Leo. Its always fun and interesting. We talked about him going to camp during the summer. He's a boyscout, so he teaches Scout Skills to cubs and younger scouts. His camp is 3hrs from NYC. I want to visit him there. A mutual friend of ours is also going there. His name is Morrissey. His mother loves me so I'm sure she wouldn't mind bringing me with her when she goes to visit Morrissey in camp. The weekends are free for the scouts to do as they please so they can have family or friends visit. Morrissey's parents sound like they would be visiting every weekend. Maybe I'll go 1 or 2 weekends out of the summer. It could be fun. However there are two problems: Bambi and my parents.

Much Needed Rest

So far, today has been a good day. I got 10hrs of sleep. I had a strange/creepy dream. I was lost in a small village of sorts. It was dark. Pitch black. I could hear voices and see figures in the shadows. I was with some people but I don't remember who. It was just strange. I felt uneasy when I woke up. I continued with my day off and took advantage of the house being empty. I used the sound system in our livingroom and blasted some music with a harsh bass. It was pretty kickass. Then, I decided after an hour of doing nothing, I should at least make breakfast. I made myself eggs and cheese on a bagel. It wasn't bad considering I've never done it before. I took a shower and watched some anime. I'm a bit of an Otaku. Just a bit. I watched 2eps of FMA Brotherhood before I had to head out. Now I'm on the bus to go to the mall. I'm meeting Bambi for a lunch date. Applebees is kinda like 'our place'. Green bean crispers come to mama.

Mission Complete..Sorta

Well, so much has happened. The show is over now. Finally. Life can now slow down and I can relax. I'm taking tomorrow off of school so I can sleep and rest. My ankle has been ridiculously swollen for the past few days. Its painful and gets stiff when I elevate it for too long. I don't know what I did to it, but I really fucked it up this time. I'm known for my weak ankles. I'm always twisting them or spraining them. Freshman year I needed a cast and crutches for about a month. So yea, that sucked. But anywho, I just need a day off. I've been so stressed with the musical and shit.
So, I went to find Leo on Friday before school. He wasn't there. I was hurt, and kinda angry. I needed to talk to him, and he wasn't there. He didn't text, call, message or email me. Nothing. I wanted to see what happened with the candy and with M. I spoke to him Friday before the show. Other people were there, so it wasn't just us. He seemed fine. Happy. I was laughing and joking but on the inside I wanted to punch him in the face. He was ignoring me. He sent me an email that night. He said his phone went missing backstage during the play and he hasn't been able to get online to talk. I suddenly felt very stupid. I got so mad at him for no reason. He finally found his phone on Saturday so I called him Saturday night. I explained to him my perspective and he got depressed. He said he had failed me. He hasn't there when I needed him. We talked for a few hours. I think 3hrs in total. I finally went to bed around 1:30am. I had work today (Sunday) from 7-2 then went to school to take down the set and costumes and stuff. I was crazy tired.
Clean up went till 4. Leo and I then took the bus together. Bambi wasn't around so he and I had some time alone. We needed to talk and resolve the problems we've had in the last few days. He explained that the candy in the script wasn't meant for Megan. It was meant for me. He put it in the wrong script by accident. Somehow, that made me feel a little better. But then I got on my bus home and he left. So much shit happened in the last few days. I cried for 45mins after the final show, my mom and I had a fight today (MOTHER'S DAY), and Jojoe is being cold. Remember him? I haven't mentioned him as of late. Look back in the first 2 posts to read more of him. But he's saying how he and I have changed. Our dynamic. I'm not even sure what that means. Well, I think that pretty much sums everything up. From now on, I'll be blogging more consistantly. Once a day. I think. Now, I'm off to bed. I need sleep.

Opening Night

Opening night was last night. It wasn't horrible but it could have been better. I was so nervous during the day. During 2nd period, M had another breakdown. Hell Week sucks. But we made it through opening night. After the first show, they serve ice cream to celebrate. We all sat in the cafeteria and laughed and ate. Then, one of the directors came and gave Megan her script. Megan is the lead female actress in the musical. The director began to yell and get mad because Megan had left food in her script. 2 packs of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Megan denied it and the director didn't believe her. Then, the director noticed one of the Reese's packages was open. There was a note inside. Someone left Megan candy in her script. I assume it was an attempt to flirt and ask her out. Leo is a known flirt. He flirts with everyone and anyone. We all think it was him. When I got home, I tried calling Leo. I called 7 times. No answer, call back or text. Nothing. I want to see if he really did it. The director wouldn't let anyone, even Megan, see the note. I'm just hoping that Leo wouldn't do something this stupid. Chances are, we're going to find out one way or another who put the candy there. We're all curious. If Leo did this, things are going to get crazy awkward in Drama Club. I'm on my way to school right now. I think I know where Leo will be this morning. He is always by his sound equipment. It's like a safehaven for him. I'm going to go and ask him if he did it. I need an answer.

Hell Week

Hell Week is taking its toll. We're all stressed and panicked. The show opens today. Yesterday was a mess. My song sucked. But before practice, M was crying. I went to comfort her and she told me that her and Leo had fought. I helped restore her smile, but seeing her cry made my heart break. I out sounded like Leo was picking on her, picking a fight. In practice she was better. Leo was noticeably upset, but I didn't care. M helped me dress and did my makeup. She was better and the show went on. During notes after practice, Leo was smiling at me. He wanted time alone with me. I wouldn't grant it. I tried to avoid him. I finished getting out of costume and makeup and he caught me in the hall. He pulled me aside and told me I did well in practice. He then gave me a tie pin to wear. He said he wore it to bring him luck sometimes. He said I should wear it to bring me luck too. It's still at home. I'm not sure if I'll actually use it or not. A teacher kicked Leo out of the school because he asked Leo to leave 10mins ago. So he yelled at Leo, and Leo left. Once he left, I began to cry. The pressure of the play got to me. The teacher saw this and he talked to me. He gave me a pep talk and encouraged me. I stopped crying then my mom picked me up. I got home, ate and fell asleep around 10:30. I needed that extra half hour of sleep, but even now I'm still tired. I'm a bit depressed and pissed. Stress. I hate stress. We open in 8hrs. Great.

Fuck

Today was a normal day. Nothing new. Nothing exciting. Practice went horribly. My song was terrible, people forgot their lines, choreography was off and the directors bitched. Great. I hate them all. Fuck them. I'm in such a rage. I can't even handle talking to people. I came home to warm food for a change. I sat down, ate quickly and silently, then got up and left. I want to sleep. I want to be done with this piece of shit musical. We need more practice. A lot more. But we only have 2 days. Fuck life. I hate this.

Close Call: A Quick Edit <3

From 6/6/13:
So today was a long day, per usual. There were AP exams today. AP Chem and AP Environmental Science. Leo was taking the chemistry and Bambi was taking environmental. The students who take these AP tests show up to school for the tests then can go home. They have no classes for the day while the rest of us stay in class. I missed seeing Bambi after every period. The day went on and I played board games in half my classes. It was fun. Then, 8th period I went to get my bald cap on for musical practice (getting my long hair prepped for a bald cap and wig isn't easy). I went down to the costume room and Bambi came. We hung out while I got my hair pinned. Then, my hair was finished and we were alone. He told me that he didn't even try on his AP exam. He was supposed to write 4 essays. He only wrote one, which was a page long, and then drew a pentagram on it. Really? I got pissed at him because I know he's not stupid. He didn't apply himself. He got upset with me because I was mad. He kissed me goodbye and left. Then practice started.
I got in full costume, fat suit and all. Leo wasn't there till halfway through the first act. He missed my song. Thank god. I get so nervous and embarassed when I sing with him there. He and I passed eachother sometimes backstage and then I would see him watching me when I performed. He gave me a bottle of water and asked if I needed any cough drops for my throat. Ain't he sweet? Anyway, the show ended, we finished notes and then everyone got into regular clothes. I was topless and in my schools costume room when Darwin came in. He's a year younger than me and in the play. I suspect he has a crush on me. But he stayed and watched as I got my hair unpinned. Then he left, and so did everyone else. Only Leo, Kyle and I were left. Kyle is my guy best friend. I've know him for over a decade. He's like a brother to me. He's gay, and has a boyfriend. I'm sure you'll hear more of him later. But anyway, Kyle and a few teachers were working on his choreography so Leo and I were alone. We were in the costume room and he picked me up. I giggled and told him to put me down. He put me down then held me by the hips. We starred into eachothers eyes and our faces moved closer. Our lips were maybe a few centimeters from eachother. We both backed off and I said that it was a close call. He smiled, blushed and agreed. Then he sat on a stool and pulled me closer. We whispered and smiled. I told him I had to go. My dad was outside waiting for me. His hands wandered under my shirt to my bare skin. He was feeling my curves and saying how hot I was. I was blushing then we broke away. I left down the stairs and got to my father. Now I'm home. After a day like today, I need a cup of tea and some warm food. Then sleep. Lots of fucking sleep.

And the Problems Keep Coming

Today was longer than I expected. Woke up at 8, went to the walk, got tired, rested for an hour then went out to work. A 4hr shift isn't fun when you're tired and moody. Billy and Paulie were working with me today. They're both cool. I like them. Billy is 20 or 21 and Paulie is probly around 50. I'm not sure. But about 30mins before we locked the doors, who came in? Leo. He totally caught me off guard. I smiled like an idiot and rang him up for a soda and a few cookies. Then he and I walked outside for about 5mins. I was still in my apron but he didn't seem to mind. He hugged me close and kissed my neck. He said he wanted to see me, so he traveled there. Its about an hour bus ride each way for him. We laughed and talked, then I had to head back to work. It was time to mop. So I gave him a final hug then went back to the store. Billy asked who Leo was. I told him that Leo was a cousin of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. I'm a convincing liar apparently. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. I then came home and did a massive project for my Mythology class. I created a board game. I drew the board and shit myself. Impressive right? Anyway, now I'm exhausted. Best part is that I get to wake up at 6:30am and start my 15hr day. Who knows when I'll be getting home. All this week we have dress rehearsals for the musical. I plan on sleeping during most of my classes. Sounds legit. Right? Now I'm off to bed. I'm already curled up under the covers blogging in my pjs, but I need actual rest. Sleep. Dreams.

Tech Day..

Friday was a long day as well. I went to Bambi's house after practice. Friday night is our date night. I was so tired, but I went anyway. We talked and laughed. I gave him a bj and then we relaxed some more. He needs to release sexual tension, so I help him. I don't mind most of the time. Its just that yesterday I was very tired. His parents drove me home around 11. That's when things got interesting. I got home, sat on my kitchen floor, and called Leo. I don't normally call people, especially Leo. But he picked up and we talked for an hour and a half. I showered and went to bed around 1.
This morning I woke up at 7 and got to school at 8. Leo was there. Everyone was there. Except Bambi. He's been having bad nightmares for a few months. About 6 or 7. He called me during Tech Day and said he wasn't going to come. I missed him but the show had to go on. I painted and cut and glued and did numerous odd jobs. As I worked, I watched Leo out of the corner of my eye. He's so geeky and nerdy. He's a boyscout, so he knows a lot about tech work and stuff. He worked with one of the directors and used power tools all day. It was kinda hot. During the lunch break, I got food and brought it back to the school. I ate in the field in the back of the school. It was warm and sunny out. Perfect weather. Andrea and I ate together. Then, who shows up? Leo. We all talk and laugh. Then he takes his shirt off. He's not super muscley and buff, but his arms have good definition, and he has the beginings of abs. He's 6ft tall and lean with some facial hair (a stubbley beard) and glasses. He's nerdy but hot. So anyway, he takes his shirt off so now all he has on is a wife beater and army camo pants with work boots. Ugh. Sexy. But I ignore him (or at least try to). Then, more people came back to the field and Andrea went inside. I followed shortly after. About 10mins later, I went up to the costume room to check something. Then, Leo came up the stairs, like he knew I was there alone. We both smiled and laughed and talked for a second. Then he sat down on a stool and brought me over to him. He hugged me tight and whispered that he would never stop loving me. I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. In return, he kissed my neck and I knew things were going to escalate quickly. I kissed him on the cheek again, smiled, then told him I needed to go. As I walked away, he begged me for one more kiss. He was like a child wanting attention. It was kinda cute. Then we went about our day normally. Sometimes we would talk, but mostly we stayed on our individual tasks. It was a long day, but it was fun. After Tech Day, a few friends went to the local Staples store for poster paper. We all went, including Leo, and we got lollipops. We all talked and laughed. We walked back to school where my mom picked me up. On the way back to school, we were playing the Punch Buggie game. I would elbow Leo in the stomach, and we would gently hit my butt. We got back to school and my mom picked me up soon after. I went home, watched a movie, showered and now I'm drifting off to sleep.
Tomorrow I have the Walk Now for Autism event at 9, then I'm working 12-4. Yet another busy day. I'm getting tired of being tired. Its not fun.

Too Early for this Shit

Yesterday was a long fucking day. I didn't leave practice till past 7pm. Ugh. Thankfully, my mother offered me a ride home and I happily accepted. Dinner was still semi-warm when I got home. I pretty much just ate, showered and passed out. Leo wasn't at practice yesterday, he had somewhere else to be. Bambi waited for me though. He's so sweet. Today we have practice again. Every Friday is Bambi and I's date night. After school we go to his house and watch movies and talk. It's so nice. Today I'm going to be exhausted though. Tomorrow is a Tech Day for the musical. We build props and set pieces, paint backgrounds, get our final fittings for costumes, set up light/sound equipment, and work on choreography. This week it's 8am-5pm. Last Saturday it was 9am-3pm. We have a lot to do. We open in less than a week. Now I'm on my way to school. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Oh My Goodness

So I'm on my way home from practice. Fun. Bambi didn't wait for me after practice. He's been tired and his back is hurting, so he went home. Leo and I took advantage again. We took the bus and talked. Leo and Andrea got into a fight today. Andrea is my girl bestfriend. We do everything together. So they got into a fight and I heard Andrea's side of it, but not Leo's. I got both sides and from what I've heard, it sounds like Leo's fault. I didn't tell him this of course. I'm here as a friend, not to hurt him further. So him and I talked about the fight and he let it all out. Apparently talking to me made him feel better. I'm glad I could help him. It wasn't wrong of me to help him. Right?
Overall, the day was long and exhausting per usual. Remember Leo had an ex girlfriend? Let's call her M. M and I are close. We have a few of the same classes despite her being a junior. Our characters in the musical have a lot of scenes together, so we practice with eachother frequently. The more time goes on, the closer I get with her. Leo has the joy of watching the woman who he hates and the woman who he loves converse and talk and laugh. Lucky him. Things are so fucking complicated.
On a seperate note, Bambi went to a concert last night. He invited me but I couldn't go. My parents are a bit strict. It was on a school night and stuff. Plus, the band just wasn't my kinda music. But Bambi went with his brother and his lady friend. I forget her name. But he tells me that they're close, like a brother and sister. She has a boyfriend, but I'm still jealous. Apparently, there were some tall people in the crowd so he picked the girl up and put her on his shoulders. I'm ridiculously jealous. Is that normal? I mean, she is taken. And they're brother and sister. I don't know. I don't want to bother him with my jealousy. I'm keeping it close to my heart. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Well, I'm almost home finally. Let's see what the future holds.