Snap

It's important for me to get this down on paper before I lose my mind. I am shaking and crying in anger and frustration. Everyone has been getting on my nerves lately. Tonight Bambi and I were talking and planning for him to come over tomorrow and hang out. I told him I had just made a SnapChat and he got angry. I questioned it, and he's just a possessive moron. He doesn't like me sending pictures to other people. The only people I have as friends are Kristen (a close childhood friend), Jacob (a close friend), Antonio (Bambi's own brother), and Kyle (my best friend for over a fucking decade). He says I downloaded it because I wanted to be cool for everyone and I didn't care about his opinion. It gets me so mad when he brings that up. I have this mentality where I need to be perfect for everyone. I want to make everyone happy. I told him this a couple months ago, and ever since then he brings it up whenever we fight. It 's so fucked up. I wanted his help and support with it, not his bashings and mean words. I downloaded the App for me. I was curious about it and wanted to see if it was any fun. It is, and I'm gonna keep my account. I told Bambi just not to come tomorrow. I don't want him in my house bringing his negative energy into my peaceful space. This is Thanksgiving break, and it isn't a time for his bullshit.
When I get mad like this, I don't know what to do. I have anger issues. People don't see it because I bottle it up inside. But when I explode in private, it's bad. I want to scream and punch someone right now. I want to take my anger out on something. My laptop keeping autocorrecting me and I want to throw it on the floor. I feel so violent, and like I can really hurt someone. I really do want to hurt someone. I don't know how to deal with my anger. I don't know what to do. Normally I would cut and cry and get over it, but I've stopped that. I guess for now I'll finish this post then take a long shower. I'll sing some songs and cry and get it through my system. That's what I'll do. I'll just cry till something changes. I'll cry behind closed doors so no one else sees how fucking weak I am. I'm a loose cannon but I can't let anyone see that. I'm calm, cool, and collected. I have to be. That is what is expected of me.

Yu-Gi-Mon!

On Friday, I had a nice date thing with Bambi. He gave me an early Christmas gift. It was my own deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. I loved it. I used to play when I was younger, but got out of it once I ran out of friends to play with. He got me my own deck (for all of you Yu-Gi-Oh! fans out there, it's a Shark deck. Not an amazing deck, but it works). He retaught me the rules and basics and we got going on a match. I did pretty decently for myself. He only had to explain things a few times before I got it. I almost beat him a few times but it was all just simple mistakes. Playing with him was fun. We poked fun at each other and just had a good time. Then we played Pokémon on my DS for a bit, then went out to Dunkin Donuts for their salted caramel hot chocolate (which I HIGHLY recommend). We were being weird and funny and awkward. We were being us. We went back to his house and looked at some fetish sex toys. We saw butt plugs, whips, flogs, chastity belts, collars, and lots of leather and latex. I think it would be fun to use some of that stuff. Nothing major, just enough to spice things up. I got home that night, stayed up for a bit, then went to bed.
I slept in until 11:30 then started my shift at noon. The day was easy. My boss showed us new ways to clean and kept us there 30mins late. I hope I get paid for the extra time. Tomorrow (or technically today), I'm working 11-4. Not hard, just annoying. I don't wanna work. After that weekend off, I realized how much free time I would have if I didn't work. Just a food for thought I guess.
Lately, I've been questioning a lot. What do I want from life? What do I want to do with myself? Do I have any goals? Am I surrounding myself with the right people? Am I doing well enough in school? Why aren't I making more friends? Are my parents happy with what I've accomplished in my first college semester? The answer to all of those is a simple: "I don't know". I want to achieve something great in life. I just have so much I want to do. I want to join the Air Force, become an NYPD officer, get my Ph.D. (in Psych), start a family, and pursue some form of photography and writing. That's a lot for one person to accomplish. Do I choose? Or can I do all of them? Sometimes the pressure to satisfy myself and others is too much. When I think about it too much, I feel like breaking down and crying. That's how I avoid confronting problems; I just don't think about them. The questions of life continue to swirl around in my brain.

New Girl

I've been feeling empty lately. Like something is missing. I'm going through the motions of being alive. But I don't feel alive. I don't know what I feel. I want to do something crazy and wild and new. I want to remember that I am in fact alive. I wake up, do my 2hr commute, go to classes, do a 2hr commute home, bullshit, then repeat the next day. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel fulfilled; like waking up in the morning is worth it.


I learned a couple days ago that Antonio (Bambi's older brother) has a new girlfriend. It's his first girlfriend and she met his family after a week or so of dating. Antonio obviously likes her, but Bambi said she was a little bitchy and made a bad impression with his parents. I want to meet this girl for myself. If she hurts Antonio, I'll hurt her. He is like a brother to me. I've known him longer than I've known Bambi. I also want to make sure she understands who I am. I've been with his family for over 2yrs. If she thinks she's head bitch, she's dead wrong. You earn your place. From what I heard from Bambi, she gave Antonio and their parents an attitude. That's not cool. At all. Treat them with respect. Initially, I thought she sounded sweet and respectable from the way Antonio described. Bambi claims something different. I wanna decide for myself and meet her. I don't know when I'll meet her, but she better behave.

(P.S.) - I know this font above might be kinda strange looking, but I can't fix it…I copied and pasted it from my gmail..so meh

Not My Day

Today isn't my best day. I woke up late, and my train was delayed. I studied on the train for a math test. I got off the train and called volunteer coordinator whom I needed to speak with. She didn't pick up, of course. I lost my student ID, so I argued with the receptionist about whether I was actually a student or not (despite my having a student ID # for her to check). I found out a new ID will cost me $10. Then I was late from my math test. And when I was handed the test, I was clueless for about 70% of it. I left after the test had to wait an hour for my next class with nothing to do. I went to music class and got a test back that I had taken last week. I got a 78 on it. That isn't at all what I wanted. I need to do better. I went home right after school, and ate. I had a cheese, eggplant, roast beef, and sriracha sandwich.
I had my mom read my research paper before I submitted it and she kinda picked it apart. She said it was good after she was done. I just finished editing about I'm about to submit it. I really want an A on this paper. Now my mom just yelled at me for complaining about my back and neck hurting. I honestly want to cry. Can I please just curl up and die now?

Newfound Weekend

Turns out I had no work this weekend. The Bagel Shoppe was closed by the Department of Health. I don't know why it was closed, my boss didn't say. He said tomorrow is the earliest we'll be open, so if I'm lucky, no work next weekend either.
I spent my newfound weekend wisely. Saturday I went Christmas shopping with Mimi (surely you remember him from my old high school). We met up a little after noon and spent 5hrs just wandering and talking. I got a lot of shopping done too. My brother, my mom, a shirt for Bambi, and a shirt for his brother. I also bought a little something for myself. It's a cute cardigan from Charolette Rousse (or however you spell it). Jess from school is trying to help me get my style to be a little more girly. I don't know how I feel about it, but of course I will try.
Sunday I just slept in. I slept until around 11 and then watched anime on my laptop. I was very happy and relaxed until my mom told me to get up and dressed. I got dressed after waiting a few mins because I was lazy and tired feeling. When I got downstairs, she had changed her mind about going with me. So I got up for nothing. I spent the rest of the day watching tv and things of the sort. Boring. I wanted to be by myself, alone, in a caccoon of blankets with my laptop. That is my ideal day off.
Later, I took a shower. The shower was quick, but the time spent in the bathroom wasn't. I just laid on the floor to srraighten my back out. It was hurting a lot yesterday. I got comfortable and stayed for 2hrs. I was just thinking and feeling my skin. Not in a sexual way, but an exploratory way. Skin is so soft and sensual, but all it does is keep our organs inside. I don't know. I think about our purpose here on this giant floating rock. I think we happened on accident. There is no God or power above. I think that we spawned by chance and luck alone. Everyday I get a glimpse of the tall buildings and flashy lights of New York. It isn't all that great, yet people come from everywhere just to see it. The whole thing seems pointless, really. I can't see any real reason for us to exist. Can you?

Auf

The last few days have been ok. I'm finding it difficult to write. Leo and I have been talking once again. It's nice, but I still have that gut feeling like it's wrong. I know it is, but I can't just leave him behind, ya know?
School seems to be going well. I'm getting A's and B's in my classes. I just wrote a research paper and it is near flawless. It was the next to final draft and it's already ready to be submitted. Leo and someone from my class read it. They both said it was breath taking and very well written. I'm satisfied. Next I want my mom to read it and see what she thinks. She is my ultimate critic.  Since I've been working hard, I deserve some fun. I'm going Elijah and his friend to the MET Art Museum today after classes. I love art museums so this should be fun. For now, I'm sitting in the school library eating Nutter Butters and Oreos. I need a diet. Asap.

Him and Him

I don't like writing anymore. Finding motivation is so difficult. I used to love writing and letting my feelings out, but now I'm almost afraid. Why? I have nothing to fear.
After thinking for a while, I decided to message Leo. We talked for a bit but something isn't right between us. He doesn't seem truely happy or satisfied that I messaged him. All I want to do is help him. He said maybe I wanted to talk to him to help myself. I don't think so. I can deal with things on my own. I need no one.
Bambi and I have been on and off with the fighting. One minute we're fighting in a train station, next minute we're saying how much we love each other. He and I have been going out for almost a year and a half at this point. This is a serious relationship. But I love Bambi. I love him with all my heart and soul. For Christmas I'm writing him a list of 365 things I love about him. I have around 70 so far, but I've been busy with work and school. I also want to get him some small things. A plushie organ (spleen pwent to), some Old Spice aftershave, and other things. Nothing too expensive, just a lot of little things that make me think of him. Although we fight, he makes me happy. I want to always be around him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him.
He and I went to a Halloween parade in the West Village. He didn't want to come but I begged and he came. We got greasy burgers, cheese fries, and onion rings. It was delicious. Then we headed into the city and drank. We watched the parade and drank Fireball Whiskey. We couldn't stop smiling and laughing. It wasn't because we were drunk. We were happy together. We went out and made a rainy parade into a fun adventure. That burger place is our fav eatery in the area by my school now. It's so good. We ate there the other day then went to the NY Transit Museum. I just wanted to take pictures, but it was fun. We sat in the old train cars and looked at the old advertisements. We laughed and smiled and had fun together. It's memories like those that remind me why I love him. They remind me who I want to be with until the end of time.

Me or Him?

Ever since I stopped talking to Leo, life has been simpler. I feel more open and free around Bambi. I let Bambi hold my phone today because I knew Leo's name wouldn't pop up. I've been moody since Leo and I last talked. I don't know what to do. Not talking to Leo is good for me. I feel less anxiety and more freedom. However, I know Leo is a mess. How can he not be? I was the last person who loved him. The last person he really cared about. I love him, I really do. But I had to choose. Me or him. I just want to relax and be happy. I have to choose myself. If I don't choose me, then I will most certainly go crazy.

Misery and Depression

I gave up. ComicCon was full of bickering and fighting with Bambi. It was fun, but not as fun as I had hoped. Since then, I've been depressed. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything. I haven't been fighting with only Bambi. I've also had fights with my mom. One was so bad I ended up barefoot crying on my front lawn. I always feel tired and overwhelmed. Leo has been getting on my nerves as well. I finally snapped at him and stopped talking to him. Sometimes, we all need to trim a little dead weight. You know? I feel bad but the pressure was getting to. Having to constantly lie and hide things from Bambi and everyone else was just too much. It's only been a few days, but I already feel more relief. I also feel like a bitch, but sometimes things are necessary.
In the last few weeks I took a couple tests. 84 on music, A- in math, and most recently a 101 in psych. I'm not doing half bad. My mom still seems to want to keep me home. She wants me to study more and be better. I'm never good enough I guess. I've been speaking to this girl Jess more too. I tried hooking her up with Joe but that failed. The date went well, but he stopped being interested. Oh well. Better luck next time. Right? For now I'm doing ok. I'm better than I have been in the last few weeks. I feel like a failure. And it sucks. I can't only try to be better, but that's all I can do. I feel like a mess. A miserable and depressed mess. Hopefully I get back onto the blogging thing. It's good for me to let my emotions out. We'll see. Until next time, please don't stop keeping me company.