I thought depression was supposed to make someone sleep a lot. Lately, I've been restless at night. I'm constantly waking up and rolling around. Now on a day off from work, I'm up around 8:30 in the morning for no reason. I can't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. My cat is cuddled between the edge of the bed and my back, and I have my stuffed animals in my arms. It's fairly quiet and dark in my room, and I'm mostly comfortable under the covers. So why can't I sleep? I'm exhausted with too many thoughts I suppose. My mind is racing, my heart feels heavy, and my stomach feels like it's on fire. This isn't how I want to live. I knew I shouldn't put my happiness in other people, but it's hard not to do that when you're in love. It seems I always end up alone and isolated. Maybe that's a testament as to how the rest of my life will be. It's sad and beyond depressing, but if that's what is meant to be, I can't change that.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Lullaby
Change is never welcome. People always talk about wanting to change things, or how others should change. Sometimes people actually initiate their change, but then it isn't believed because it is the other person who cannot accept the change. I like things to stay the same. Change scares me to death, and I don't like it. However, sometimes certain people make you want to actually change. Sometimes life comes to a head, and change is all you have left to do. Change is hard, and change is scary. Change is also necessary for evolution and growth.
Today at work, I kept to myself per usual. After all of the customers were gone, we began cleaning, folding, hanging, and organizing. I worked alone, then was joined by a girl, then a guy. The girl was quiet, I'm not sure of what her name was. The guy's name was Kelvin. He asked me a bit about myself like where I went to school and what job I had prior to Old Navy. We laughed and had fun while cleaning up clearance (not an easy or enjoyable task). We were then joined by the other employees to finish up quicker. Everyone was laughing and sharing stories. I kept to myself because the larger crowd sort of freaked me out, but I paid close attention to each conversation going on. Kelvin is looking for a job somewhere else, Mary decreased her hours, we had a couple new associates start today, one of the managers is leaving, and other small gossip. I was (and still am) exhausted. Emotionally and mentally, I'm a wreck. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but hopefully it brings something positive. Maybe I'll go to church like I planned, or maybe I'll sleep and dream of better times. I've been thinking about it, and I really think I want to switch my major. I know I'm a junior now, and it's kind of late, but it could still happen. I want to switch from psychology to nursing. JP said I'd be a good nurse, and I can see it too. The future is what we make it, I just have to keep that in mind.
Today at work, I kept to myself per usual. After all of the customers were gone, we began cleaning, folding, hanging, and organizing. I worked alone, then was joined by a girl, then a guy. The girl was quiet, I'm not sure of what her name was. The guy's name was Kelvin. He asked me a bit about myself like where I went to school and what job I had prior to Old Navy. We laughed and had fun while cleaning up clearance (not an easy or enjoyable task). We were then joined by the other employees to finish up quicker. Everyone was laughing and sharing stories. I kept to myself because the larger crowd sort of freaked me out, but I paid close attention to each conversation going on. Kelvin is looking for a job somewhere else, Mary decreased her hours, we had a couple new associates start today, one of the managers is leaving, and other small gossip. I was (and still am) exhausted. Emotionally and mentally, I'm a wreck. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but hopefully it brings something positive. Maybe I'll go to church like I planned, or maybe I'll sleep and dream of better times. I've been thinking about it, and I really think I want to switch my major. I know I'm a junior now, and it's kind of late, but it could still happen. I want to switch from psychology to nursing. JP said I'd be a good nurse, and I can see it too. The future is what we make it, I just have to keep that in mind.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
The Pit
Any famous writer (or even a decent English professor) will tell you to write while you feel the emotion. I'm feeling an immense feeling of sadness. I get this weird feeling when I get very sad and upset. It's like a chill in my thighs, and a deep pain my heart. The chill comes in waves, maybe every 15-20secs. It feels like a cool cloth is being held against my skin for a little while, then taken away. It keeps repeating until I calm down and it slowly fades away. I feel a big pit in my stomach too. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, but I won't let them out. My throat is kind of tight, like I want to break down and just scream. But instead, I yawn to disguise my worsening face. I can almost feel my face sinking, and the bags forming under my eyes. When I'm upset and/or stressed, I do this crazy thing where I don't eat. I went from 131lbs in the beginning of March to today being 120lbs. The constant ups and downs of my heart are fucking me. My mind is a mess, my body is disappearing, and my soul feels so empty. I hate everything I've become. I feel as if there's no point to fighting much longer. I don't want to fight to survive, I want to fight to live.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
ER
Depression is such a strange monster. One minute you'll be fine, and the world is amazing. The next minute, you want to kill yourself. Every psychology book or website on the planet says to identify the source of the depression and eliminate it. Once you find your triggers, you can try to avoid them. However, with my case, I feel like I don't have any specific triggers. I feel like my only real trigger is stress, but that's much too broad to eliminate. I can't stop school, work, relationships, and family life. That would leave me with nothing but the internet and eating as my activities. Honestly, it doesn't sound like a bad plan. All I really want from life is happiness. I want the man I love to be around me all the time, 24/7. I want to be in his arms, and laughing by his side for the rest of my life. When I have too much time on my hands, I start to think. When I think, I freak myself out. It's aggravating. Essentially, I set off my own stress, thus leading to depression. The busier I am, the less I think.
Today, my mom went to the ER. She was in an incredible amount of pain. She had been bd for a couple days, but today was the worst by far. Even having a single ice cube sent her into pain and vomiting. My dad drove home from work just to take her to the hospital. While waiting, I had to watch her throw up and mumble and be vulnerable like a child. She could barely talk to me and communicate. She was discharged about 8hrs later with a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. She's on 4 different medications now, and still isn't doing completely better. She's going to be out of work until next week to give herself time to recuperate. While doing tests and scans, they found her gallbladder to be rather enlarged. The doctors were really concerned about this since her father died from pancreatic-liver cancer. They told her to do a followup with a gastroenterologist to check it out more and see if there's anything major going on (meaning cancer). Stress never seems to stop in my life. As long as the stress keeps persisting, the depression will as well. Lord help me.
Today, my mom went to the ER. She was in an incredible amount of pain. She had been bd for a couple days, but today was the worst by far. Even having a single ice cube sent her into pain and vomiting. My dad drove home from work just to take her to the hospital. While waiting, I had to watch her throw up and mumble and be vulnerable like a child. She could barely talk to me and communicate. She was discharged about 8hrs later with a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. She's on 4 different medications now, and still isn't doing completely better. She's going to be out of work until next week to give herself time to recuperate. While doing tests and scans, they found her gallbladder to be rather enlarged. The doctors were really concerned about this since her father died from pancreatic-liver cancer. They told her to do a followup with a gastroenterologist to check it out more and see if there's anything major going on (meaning cancer). Stress never seems to stop in my life. As long as the stress keeps persisting, the depression will as well. Lord help me.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
A Rose Amongst Daisies
It lasted a little over 10 months. My roller coaster ride with JP seems to have come to end. There was too much fighting for him to handle. We were both suffering. I feel numb without him by my side. I can't call or text; he'll be changing his number soon, and will probably block me in the meantime. This is my fault. Everything that goes bad in my life is my fault. It's almost like I purposefully fuck things up. JP and I were talking a few weeks ago and we got onto the topic of if/when I'll find the right person for me to spend my life with. I told him I knew who it was, and that I had met that person a while ago. As I said to JP, that man is a rose amongst daisies. He stands out from the crowd and is more beautiful than I've ever seen a human being before. He's passionate, kind, loving, so dedicated, and will fight to the death for those he loves. He makes me smile on days I think it's impossible, and he evokes laughter just by saying little comments and being himself.
Laying in bed, I constantly check my phone. Maybe he'll send me one last text. Maybe he called me. Maybe he just wanted to say how much he loved me for the last time. I lay in the same bed we made love in only Thursday morning, and I'm sobbing. My pillow is damp with tears, and I mumble words of encouragement to myself. I began crying on the phone with him after he explained yet again why we needed to separate. As I cried, he said "You're stronger than this". I kept saying it over and over to myself, hoping for everything to be ok again. I don't have a lot in this life. I have a select few friends who I've been drifting apart from, I have a broken family that seems beyond repair, I have a failing semester, and I have my cat. As I lay here in bed on the verge of yet another breakdown, I have to get up for work. I have to put on nice clothes, do my makeup, brush my hair, and slap a smile on my face. I have to greet customers, fold tables of clothes over and over again, and feel dead inside while putting on a character for the world. I didn't have to be perfect for JP. I just had to give him one thing, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it in time to save us. I destroyed whatever path we may have had together. I plan on changing my number, so once I do so, he won't be able to contact me. Once he changes his number, I won't be able to contact him. We're at a dead end it seems. I won't lie down and take this. I love him too much to just watch him walk away. It's beyond painful for me, and I hope at least a little painful for him. We both need space to fix our separate problems, but I want to see what everything is like when the shit is gone. I'm changing in big ways. I'm finally becoming what he needs, and what he wants. Who I was when I was a child is what he needs in his life, not what I have become over the years of depression and secrets. He is my rose, and I want to keep him in my garden, safe and sound forever until I die.
Laying in bed, I constantly check my phone. Maybe he'll send me one last text. Maybe he called me. Maybe he just wanted to say how much he loved me for the last time. I lay in the same bed we made love in only Thursday morning, and I'm sobbing. My pillow is damp with tears, and I mumble words of encouragement to myself. I began crying on the phone with him after he explained yet again why we needed to separate. As I cried, he said "You're stronger than this". I kept saying it over and over to myself, hoping for everything to be ok again. I don't have a lot in this life. I have a select few friends who I've been drifting apart from, I have a broken family that seems beyond repair, I have a failing semester, and I have my cat. As I lay here in bed on the verge of yet another breakdown, I have to get up for work. I have to put on nice clothes, do my makeup, brush my hair, and slap a smile on my face. I have to greet customers, fold tables of clothes over and over again, and feel dead inside while putting on a character for the world. I didn't have to be perfect for JP. I just had to give him one thing, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it in time to save us. I destroyed whatever path we may have had together. I plan on changing my number, so once I do so, he won't be able to contact me. Once he changes his number, I won't be able to contact him. We're at a dead end it seems. I won't lie down and take this. I love him too much to just watch him walk away. It's beyond painful for me, and I hope at least a little painful for him. We both need space to fix our separate problems, but I want to see what everything is like when the shit is gone. I'm changing in big ways. I'm finally becoming what he needs, and what he wants. Who I was when I was a child is what he needs in his life, not what I have become over the years of depression and secrets. He is my rose, and I want to keep him in my garden, safe and sound forever until I die.
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