The Pit

Any famous writer (or even a decent English professor) will tell you to write while you feel the emotion. I'm feeling an immense feeling of sadness. I get this weird feeling when I get very sad and upset. It's like a chill in my thighs, and a deep pain my heart. The chill comes in waves, maybe every 15-20secs. It feels like a cool cloth is being held against my skin for a little while, then taken away. It keeps repeating until I calm down and it slowly fades away. I feel a big pit in my stomach too. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, but I won't let them out. My throat is kind of tight, like I want to break down and just scream. But instead, I yawn to disguise my worsening face. I can almost feel my face sinking, and the bags forming under my eyes. When I'm upset and/or stressed, I do this crazy thing where I don't eat. I went from 131lbs in the beginning of March to today being 120lbs. The constant ups and downs of my heart are fucking me. My mind is a mess, my body is disappearing, and my soul feels so empty. I hate everything I've become. I feel as if there's no point to fighting much longer. I don't want to fight to survive, I want to fight to live.