Kevin

Sunday morning, I worked an early shift. It was just Bob and I for the first hour. It went well, and we seem to be bonding more and more. Once Jena came, the day improved even more. Jena and I have become Bob's favorites. I decided to finally loosen up completely around Bob for the first time. It felt good. I said what came to mind and cursed a lot more than usual. Bob was laughing the whole time and mocking Jena and I. Work has finally become more of a pleasure than a chore. I still have to deal with shitty customers and a sometimes annoying boss, but it's worth it. I basically get paid for hanging out and having fun. However, during all the laughing and talking, my shoulder/neck began to really act up. I had a few bad muscle spasms and it ached. There was nothing I could do but to keep working and stop thinking about it. Kevin came and we continued to all have a good time.
I really am taking a liking to Kevin. He's a really sweet guy, and I feel like I can loosen up around him. I like picking on him and busting his balls, but he doesn't mind. He isn't a replacement for Billy, but he is certainly gaining respect in the shoppe. He works harder than most of the others and refuses to take a break sometimes. His mom went to the hospital on Sunday (it ended up being nothing major, but he didn't know at the time). Kevin felt bad about asking to leave work to see what was going on at the hospital. He didn't want to leave, but we pushed him out and urged him to go. I worked with Kevin again today for a few hours solo. I enjoy working with him. I've only known him a few short months, but I feel a weird connection. I feel like I can trust him. I'm thinking about maybe telling him this whole situation with Leo and explaining pretty much everything to him. I want a guy's opinion who isn't biased. His love life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park either, so I'm hoping maybe he can relate to some of my struggles. Who knows. Should I really trust him with all of this? He'll be the first real person to actually maybe know the whole story of Bambi, Leo, and I. I'm nervous about exposing myself and my personal life, but sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone.

Exchange

I went over to Bambi's house today and saw his family. They all welcomed me and loved the oreo cheesecake I made. A little mushy, but really not bad. Antonio and I traded gifts first. He got a pair of adorable Pikachu slippers. They're so warm and cozy. I got him a shirt and his Warped Tour ticket. He enjoyed my hand-drawn ticket since the real ones haven't been delivered yet. Bambi likes his assortment of little things, and appreciated the drawing of the ticket for him as well. When I opened my gifts from Bambi, I wasn't so surprised. He had gotten me everything and more. Stuffed animals, perfume, candy, a scarf, and a 3DS with games. He had let it slip a few weeks ago that he might have gotten it for me, so it wasn't a total surprise. I loved it nonetheless. It's purple, my favorite color. He got me Animal Crossing, Zelda: Link Between Worlds, and Pokemon X. I thanked him and opened my 3DS. We set it up together and ate lunch. We talked and played games together till I had to leave. I miss him already, and it hasn't been more than a few hours since I last saw him. Being with him really does make me happy. Just watching him practice some rifts on the guitar and playing video games is enough to make me smile.
I've been thinking more about the Leo issue. I do want to reach out to him. But I don't want bad stuff happening again. I'm not sure. I think I may wait until after New Year's and decide then. I don't want to make a rash decision and ruin anything. I'll just think and continue on with life. I guess.

Damned If I Do

Christmas has passed. I meant to post a little more frequently than I did, but oh well. The festivities were pretty much the same. Christmas Eve, my aunt, her boyfriend, and one of my cousins came over. We ate and drank and laughed and talked. I had a glass of wine with them and took part in some of the political discussion. Am I growing up? On Christmas, I was woken up early and we opened gifts. I got the newest iPod (technically a VERY late graduation gift), a domo blanket, an upgrade on my OneRepublic tickets, Newton's Cradle, fuzzy socks/booties and other small gifts. Nothing really took my breath away, but it was fun nonetheless. The day after, I went into the city with my dad and brother. It's a family tradition. We always go into the city the day after Christmas, look at the window displays, see the tree, and (most importantly) shop for discount Christmas ornaments at Lord & Taylor. We always pick up a few ornaments as a way to remember that year and our adventure into the city. It's a nice tradition, and I don't think I want to stop it any time soon. Today I visited the elderly man Mr. Caster. I brought cookies and we watched a movie. It was nice, and fun. I went home and baked a batch of oreo cheesecake squares for Bambi's family. I'm going over to his house tomorrow to exchange gifts so I figured I would bring his parents/grandparents something as well.
There's been an issue weighing on my mind. I wasn't happy about Adri and Leo dating. I wasn't happy in the least. But I spoke with Adri today and she seems to really like him. As Bambi told me, it isn't my place to tell her who she can and can't date. Adri asked for relationship advice and opinions on Leo. I gave her my help and hoped it was good enough. I thought about it for a bit, and I feel like I should reach out to him. I already wrote a draft of what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Opening lines of communication could prove positive, but also negative. I'm unsure of what to do. I don't want to talk to him as a friend, but just as Adri's protector. I want to explain to him that he needs to take care of her and make sure this is something he wants to do. This is what I have so far:
Hey. I know we haven't talked in a while. I'm not coming back to fix what happened. What's done is done. It is in the past, and cannot be repaired. I just wanted to message you about Adrianna. I've caught wind of your relationship. To my surprise, and I'm sure yours as well, [Bambi] is more supportive of you two than I am. I don't think she's ready for a serious relationship, and I know what kind of mindset you must be in. The last thing I want is for her to get hurt. When I found out about your relationship with her, I was close to coming to your house and confronting you. [Bambi] actually stopped me and defended you. It isn't my place to tell her who she can and cannot date. This is true. I was talking to Adrianna just yesterday about you and her. She likes you. A lot. If you don't intend this to be a serious relationship, then stop it now. If you truly do like her, then tread lightly. I'll be watching. 
Is it too much? Is it threatening? I don't want to sound hostile. The last thing anyone wants is for shit to be stirred up. I have 3 options. 1) Send this message, and hope he listens. 2) Tell him to meet me in person so we can talk and figure it out face to face. 3) Not do anything and stay away from the situation. I'm not sure what I need to do. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Happy Holidays

What is there to say? So many things have happened since the last post. Where do I even begin?..
First, let's do an overview of today at work. Work was easy and fun. 12-4. I got there and as soon as I walk in, Matt pulls me toward him and starts to do a weird dance type thing. I smiled and asked him if this was a morning ritual he was doing to greet me. He said he needs to do weird stuff like that to me or I never pay attention to him. I rolled my eyes, smiled, and put my apron on. Jeff was there all day, and even kept us there an hour late. We're being paid for it, but still. Kevin and I bonded a little more. We make a good team. Joe and I also got to know each other better. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's a good guy. Eventually, we closed and I headed home.
When we got home, there was mail. My mom shuffled through it, but stopped at a letter. She looked at it, got visually upset, and threw it down. It was from my uncle (her brother). Back when my Nana (my mom's mom) and Uncle B (my mom's uncle) died, my uncle became a bitch. My mother was trusted with POA (Power of Attorney) over everything in their apartment their financial holdings. She did as Uncle B wanted and split everything between my mom, my uncle, and my aunt. My uncle was greedy and wanted more. He wanted to sell a piano that Uncle B had in the apartment. Uncle B specifically said he wanted it donated to a performing arts school in Manhattan. My mom did as Uncle B wanted and donated it. My uncle was happy and decided to actually try and sue my mom for the money that the piano was worth. That was only one incident. There were many many more of those ridiculous and hurtful moments where family became an enemy. I can't remember the last time I saw him or his daughters. It's been years. I used to miss him because my family grew up so close and happy. Seeing how broken my family is now is so painful. But anyway, that's what happened. My mom saw his letter, and got angry. After all of the fights he's picked and damage he's caused, he doesn't want to be alone this Christmas. He got divorced for what has to be the 4th or 5th time and his ex wife gets the kids on Christmas. So he's alone this year, and looking for somewhere to go. He isn't welcome here. You can't shun family and treat them like crap, then expect them to embrace you when you decide the timing is good for you. Love is a 2-way street. Seeing my mom react to that letter and be so upset really rattled me. It brought back so many memories of the family getting together for Easter or Thanksgiving or Christmas. All of the cousins sitting and playing and joking around. The adults talking and laughing at the table. That's how a family should be. Not a broken up mess like mine is.
Out of curiosity, I've been reading Leo's blog as of late. I want to see what he's up to and how he's feeling. I found out he has a thing with Adri. They kiss. Apparently whenever he wants. She really like him, and he really likes her. I don't mind him going out with someone, it would probably be for his own good, but NOT Adri. Anyone but Adri. Bambi spoke to Adri and told her about how stalker-ish Leo can be, and how obsessive he can become. She doesn't seem to care. Well I do. I won't let Adri be hurt and pulled into Leo's fucked up life and messy relationships. As I told Bambi, if I ever see them together, I will personally punch him into next month. I won't stand for him poisoning her. When I was her age, I went out with a bad person and hung out with the wrong crowd. Zack was a drinker who loved to smoke weed. He was bad for me, but I was convinced he was THE ONE. I thought he was such a sweetie and that he was perfect. He was far from. Zack dumped me after 6 months because I wouldn't have sex with him. He kept me only for my body. I'm afraid that Adri may just be caught up in what she thinks may be some sort of infantile love. It made me furious to read Leo's blog. How he spoke about her disgusted me. "She changed into normal clothes and oh boy, she is attractive. She has hips, and being latino, she does rock a nice butt and a decent chest. She is slim and pretty too." Yea. That pissed me off VERY much. I wanted to reach through my screen and strangle him. Leo, if you're reading this, you're disgusting. You know I care about her, and so does Bambi. Cut this shit out. Touch her again, and I will have your testicles next to my bed in a pickle jar. Go try to get in someone else's pants.

Native

Yesterday, I went out with Kyle. We looked around some thrift store kinda places and just talked. I met his roommate, Kenny. He's really cool. I've been wanting to meet him for months. I also met his other school friend Victoria. She's pretty cool too. She's really chill and funny. Kyle, Victoria, and I went to eat at a burger place by his dorm. It was pretty good. After that, Victoria left and Kyle and I went to see the movie. It was rated R, so you need to prove you're 18 to get in. I don't have a state issued ID, so I can't prove my age to them. They refused to let me in. The didn't accept my college ID, nor my older high school ID with my DoB on it. Kyle called Victoria and she took my place at the movie. I was so upset. I had been looking forward to seeing that movie with Kyle, but of course not. My mom refuses to bring me to the DMV for anything other than my permit. My dad doesn't want me getting a permit, and won't take me to get a non-driver ID. So even though I can legally see rated R movies, I can't prove that. I wandered the streets of NYC looking for a subway station. After some walking and aimless wandering, I found it. I took the subway home and my parents both asked how the movie was. I told them I couldn't get in, and my mom got angry at my dad. She wants me to get my permit, and I want it too. But my dad is the one who thinks it's a bad idea. Until someone decides who is taking to the DMV, I'm screwed. I can't go on dates to see rated R movies. I feel like a child. Even when I was younger than 17, I was able to get into movies without being asked for ID. Yet, this IDing bullshit happened twice in the last 6 months. 2/3 times I went to see a movie, I couldn't go. Awesome. It's really frustrating. My parents need to get their shit together.
I came home disappointed and angry. Kyle was enjoying the movie, while I sat at home doing nothing. I wanted to cry and hit something. I don't know why I got so angry and upset, but I did. My parents went out soon after I got home and so I just watched TV till the xbox was available. I played xbox for a while till I got stuck on a mission and gave up. Last night before I went to bed, I ordered 3 Warped Tour tickets for Bambi, Antonio, and I. They won't be here for a couple weeks, but it was the last part of their xmas gifts. I also went online this morning to get tickets to the OneRepublic Native Tour happening in NY out by Jones Beach. The server was slow when everything went on sale, and the cheapest tickets I could find were $65 each. Nope. Not worth it. I was disappointed, went back to bed and gave up. I woke up and decided to maybe try again. Luck was in my favor. I found a bunch of cheaper tickets at $34 each. It was a little more than I wanted to spend, but oh well. I'm officially going to see OneRepublic, and I am thrilled. Bambi wants to come, and so does Kyle. I know Bambi will get upset if I tell him I want to bring Kyle, so I'll just leave it alone. I mentioned the tickets to Kyle and he seemed actually interested in going. Bambi is just going for me, Kyle wants to go for the music. I would rather see Kyle go, because I feel like it's a wasted ticket if Bambi comes. You know? He won't enjoy the music as much as Kyle would. Whatever. Nothing I can do.

Don't You Worry About a Thing

Finals are FINALLY over. I'm confident that I did alright. I already know I got a 104.36 on my Psych final. I'm most nervous about music and math. Grades are being released tomorrow, but that isn't stopping me from checking online every half-hour.
Once I was done with finals, it was a relief. I had nothing to do. Nothing to worry about. It isn't like high school where the teachers would assign reading or homework over break. I have literally nothing to do, and it feel fabulous. Yesterday was my first day off and I visited Mr. Caster (the elderly man I'm volunteering with) for the first time solo. I actually enjoyed myself. We watched a documentary about MGM studios which was incredibly interesting. Then we watching an older film called City for Conquest. It was a love story of sorts. The night before I visited Mr. Caster, Bambi and I got into a fight. He pretty much picked a fight with me (which is what really set me off). I want to go to a OneRepublic concert and asked if he wanted to come with me. I told him to take his time deciding and in the mean time I would buy 2 tickets. He said if he ever goes to a concert, he doesn't want me coming. It was just mean. I'm not really into his type of music, but I've been trying to explore it more and understand it. I guess he just doesn't appreciate my efforts. So we argued for a bit, then I gave up. Jojoe hit me up and it was actually something I actually needed. I told him about the argument and he said it was stupid. He doesn't like Bambi. He thinks I can do better (he's taken right now, so he isn't trying to seduce me or something). We talked for a bit, then he sent a couple texts that almost had me in tears.

ME: I don't know what my next move is. But whatever I do, your opinion and help is very much appreciated. There's no one else to talk to or who's willing to talk.
JOJOE: I'm here. Don't you worry about a thing.
ME: You have no idea how much that means to me. I've lost so much over the past year. It's nice to have a stable element and a voice of reason.
(he then sent me a quote)
JOJOE: Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. I got you.

Those few texts made me feel like it was going to be ok. They made me smile and feel loved. Like someone actually cared. Jojoe and I have had a rocky relationship during the past year, but he's still sticking with me. I do love him. I don't have anyone else to really talk to about his stuff. I won't bother him too much with my bullshit, but getting an outside opinion can be useful. I also asked him if I could mention him in my blog. I kept forgetting to do that. He agreed, but doesn't want his real name used. Jojoe isn't his real name, so I think I'm safe. Either way, I hope he and I don't fall out again.
Today I'm meeting Kyle in the city a little after 3pm. We're going thrift store shopping, out to lunch, then seeing a movie. I can't wait to see him and just hang out. I wanna have fun and not worry. He said some friends may come along. I wouldn't mind too much, as long as I get along with them. It's still early for me to be up. I have at least another hour till I have to get ready. I like being able to breathe.

Study Bug

Well, I was off from work on Saturday. I wanted to just sleep and watch anime, but of course not. My mom insisted I clean my room. Fine. I folded laundry and started to vacuum and organize. I went downstairs for a food break and she captured me. She wanted me to watch TV with her. She had been feeling sick the last few days, so I gave in. We watched TV and made small talk. I still hasn't happy with her. Dinner came, and then I had work early the next morning at 7am. I went right to sleep (or tried to).
The next morning at work was easy. Bob is being very nice to me, and I got to work with Jena and Kevin, whom I like a lot. I'm actually starting to kinda enjoy work. I find it fun when I work with people I like. Even the customers seem to have a better attitude. I wonder if maybe I'm the one with the better attitude, and not them..
Today I had my first 'real' final. I studied a bit and did some extra credit work for it on the side. I waited for my prof to grade it and I got a 104.36. Not too shabby if you ask me. After the test, I was relieved and happy. Jess and I hung out a bit, then she left and I found Elijah. We ran some errands around school then left. We talked on the train home and traded stories about anime. I really do like Elijah. Tomorrow I have my last 2 finals. Math then Music. Math is what I'm most concerned about, but music is no bargain either. For music, I need to be able to identify and explain 10 different classical songs from the Romantic Period. The composers include Chopin, Mozart, and Beethoven. It's so hard to be able to tell the differences between the songs and remember who wrote which one. Ugh. I've been listening to the same 10 songs on shuffle all of yesterday and most of today. I STILL don't have them done. I've also been reviewing my math. I've never been in math, but after reviewing and watching a few videos, I think I'm kinda prepared. Kinda. I think I may just need sleep. With a decent amount of sleep, I can remember things easier and focus better. Now if only I can convince my body to sleep..

On a side note..
I've been thinking of Leo since I saw him on Friday. Part of me is actually starting to miss him. I feel bad for what I did, but I just can't handle to bullshit. You know? I saw the look in his eyes when he passed me the second time. He looked dead. Lifeless. Nothing. It was so unlike him. I've been 100% feeling better, and I find myself being more open with Bambi. However, I'm still kinda second guessing my choice. Should I have snapped like that and left him? I'm not sure. But the deed is done. He is angry and upset and hurt. Even if I do go back, nothing good will come of it. An outside opinion would be awesome. Any advice?

Gotta Go Fast

After my last post about my mom and I having a fight, we fought AGAIN. This time it just kinda pushed me too far. I calmly walked to my room, closed the door, then broke down. Bambi was at work so I had no one to talk to. I just cried. I didn't know what to do to stop the crying so I tried to find my knife. I went to open a drawer which has a big bowie knife in it, but the drawer was stuck. I kept pulling and wiggling it and crying and cursing and pleading for it to open so I could just cut already. After fighting with it and being reduced to a sniveling heap on the floor, I opened another drawer to see if maybe I had a spare. I did. I quickly opened it and pressed it against my wrist. It felt so good. So relaxing. I kept the blade close against my wrist until I calmed down and stopped crying. I gathered myself back together and got into bed. I just curled up and hoped for a night of restful sleep.
I woke up the next morning anticipating my adventure with Bambi. We met at a local McDonald's and went from there. We explored the abandoned buildings in great detail, but only from the outside. None of the doors were open (most were welded shut), and all of the windows were barred shut. We found a single window open, but it would be a tight squeeze, even for me. Despite not making it inside, I was still able to take so many amazing pictures and get glimpses inside this horrifying and glorious place. After hours of trekking and taking pictures, Bambi and I retired to a local diner. We ordered hot chocolate and warm food. We were just about frozen solid when we finally came indoors. Bambi and I talked and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. I told him more about the fights I had with my mom and he said to just ignore her. We paid, and headed home. He took a bus, and I walked. Apparently my mom had forgotten that I was going out with Bambi, and she was freaking out because I wasn't home when she returned from work. It was also my fault that she forgot. I should have left a note apparently. Silly me, thinking she would actually remember something I said.
Today, I had my writing final. After a wrestling match with MTA subways, I got to school on time and very grumpy. I did my final (writing a paragraph), then left. I headed to Queens to catch the concert going on tonight. Bambi was going to meet me in the area once he got off work and we were going to eat dinner. I decided to wait for him at a local Wendy's by the school. I waited for 3hrs. All alone. No headphones for music. My phone slowly dying. Barely enough money for food. So I just sat there and daydreamed and listened to other peoples' conversations. It was interesting, but boring after the first hour and a half. I didn't wanna go without Bambi, so I waited as long as I could. I texted him and told him to just meet me at the school. I walked to school with an almost dead battery. My friend gave me her charger (thank God), and I charged it a bit while waiting for Bambi. I was sipping on a hot chocolate while standing in the hallway of the school when someone walked by. It was Leo. He was getting a drink from the fountain. I glanced up, saw it was him, then quickly averted my eyes. I don't know whether he saw me or not. I went upstairs to talk to my friends a little before the concert and saw an old teacher of mine. We hugged and said our hellos. As we separated, Leo passed by once again carrying some bags. We didn't make eye contact. It was for the best. Soon after, Bambi came and we got our seats. Andrea, Bambi, and I sat next to each other and whispered comments throughout the performance. Overall, it wasn't bad. After the performance, Bambi and I cut out and got pizza. We ate, then his parents drove me home. We were both exhausted. He had come straight from work and still hadn't changed clothes. He had on a black tuxedo shirt with a black vest and slacks. I have to say, he looked very adorable and kinda sexy all dressed up like that. Not long after he got home, he fell asleep. It's kinda funny how much of a child he really is. He isn't used to actually working yet. He complains about being tired from work and needing days off after his shift so he can recover. I usually work Saturday and Sunday, then have school Monday - Friday. If only I could have the luxury of days off...

B-I-T-C-H

I didn't want to bring down my positive post before this with a negative story, so I'll share it in a different post. My mom and I have fought a lot today. She and my brother are both sick with some kind of stomach virus. Erik is getting better, but my mom is still sick. Today was my first real day off in at least a few weeks. I slept in, but then Erik woke me up and said my mom wanted to see me. Ok. Fine. I waited a bit, then went upstairs.

She told me to vacuum the kitchen/diningroom wood floor because she wants to put a carpet down. I told her to wait till the weekend because she's sick now and shouldn't push herself (it was a genuinely concerned statement). She said she's working on Saturday. I said she can do it on Sunday. She says she has other things to do like Christmas shopping, then tells me that she shouldn't have to justify herself to me. I say ok and go to walk away (before I get even more pissed off). Then she says I should be taking on more responsibility and do more chores because I'm turning 18 in a month and I should think of the family unit instead of myself. I asked her why Erik gets to be selfish and not do anything and she says because he's 10. I told her that I did A LOT more than him when I was 10. She said to stop comparing Erik to myself, and I asked her why? Because she always compares me to her. She got pissed at me and told me to go away. So I went to go downstairs and then she began saying how I always want stuff but never give anything back. I asked for examples. She said my permit. Last time I checked, she wanted me to get a permit as well, this wasn't a solo choice. She said it costs money and that I expected her to pay. I told her that since I have a job and some saved up money, I'll pay for the classes myself. She got angry again and then said that I'm gonna need a ride home from the high school concert on Friday that I want to attend. I told her Bambi's parents may be able to give me a ride and if not, I'll take the bus home. I said that she was the one worried about me taking the bus at night, I have no problem with it. She yelled at me and told me to just do whatever I want. So I went downstairs and got back into bed.

I watched anime for the rest of the day and surfed the web. I went downstairs for some food, and decided to vacuum, as she had asked. I did it, then crawled back into bed where I belong. Then just as I was writing my previous post, she reappeared like a horrible magic trick. She said I should get my face out of laptop and find my place in the family. She said I never do anything for the family, never do anything until I'm asked, I always give excuses, and avoid chores. She said that I should stop being selfish and help other people. She said there was something wrong with me, and that I needed to stop being like this. I told her that maybe I wouldn't be like this if she would have gotten therapy for me when I asked A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. She gave me this pissed off look and said that the problem is within myself, and no one but me can fix it. (What kind of bullshit is that?) Then, she asked where I wanted to be in 5yrs, and I told her I wanted to be out of the house and away from her. She got pissed and walked off.

Frankly, I've had enough of her shit. She's always acting superior and saying hurtful things. Erik is always the golden child that does NOTHING but gets everything in return. He has a week of lunch detention. What does he get? A 3DS for Christmas, of course. He stopped doing his chores of setting and clearing the table. What happens? My parents buy him new Xbox games. I'm earning decent grades in college (my lowest a B-), and what do I get? "Good job". That's it. I do chores around the house, what do I get? Nothing but complaints about how I didn't do it right. I give my mother mani/pedis. What do I get in return? "Could you trim a little more of the dry skin?" "Could you file that a little more?" "That nail is too long, it's gonna catch on things. Trim it." "You forgot something". No appreciation. I go to work and earn my own money. I'll start paying rent if they want. I just want my mom to shut up and leave me alone. I don't care anymore. Want a mani/pedi? Go out to to the nail salon. What something vacuumed? Teach Erik how to fucking use a vacuum. It isn't hard. The dishwasher needs to be emptied? I guess you need to empty it. Someone needs to watch Erik while you go out? Hire a babysitter. What someone to listen to your boring stories about work? Get a fucking therapist. No one cares, not even my father. Whenever she goes on with these stupid stories about her boss or coworkers, we just comment or nod every once in a while and wait till it's over.

Does she ever consider that maybe I can't handle the stress? Maybe this is all too much for me? Every person has a limit. And I've reached mine. I'm not gonna deal with her bullshit. I have my own life to live. I have friends, a boyfriend, coworkers, and some new college people. I want to just go and have fun. I want to stay out late. I want to go on adventures into the city. I want to have fun parties with my friends. I want to enjoy the little bit of childhood that I have left. But apparently I can't. My wants and desires come last. She expects me to be perfect and juggle the fucking world while still being happy. In the final argument of the day, she said I should stop being so ignorant of the stuff happening around me. When I told her that ignorance is bliss, she got mad and asked why I would want to be ignorant and stupid. I said I would rather be stupid and happy than smart and sad.

Building 4

Last week and the weekend were both super busy for me. I had work and papers due since it's the end of the semester. My portfolio ended up being 36pgs long. Damn. I get it back when I go for my writing final on Friday, so I'm excited to see my grade.
Work went well. I started bonding more with that new Joe kid. He seems sweet, but kinda slow in some respects. I enjoy talking to him, and he's a lot of fun. He convinced me to do the Salt and Ice challenge. You put salt in your palm (I kinda put a lot), then squeeze and ice cube. It hurts and burns, but I didn't let it go. The pain wasn't too bad. However, the next morning I woke up with a strange burning red callus thing in the palm of my hand. It's now Wednesday and I still have it. It's healing, but still callus and sensitive. I wonder what it is..
Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting up with Bambi. I want to go shoot some photos at this abandoned psychiatric hospital by my house. It has a bunch of buildings that are now rented out by other cooperations or used by the Narcotics Dept., but a few buildings are still abandoned and FULL of amazing shots. Theres part of Building 4 I want to see, and then the infamous Building 25 that may be haunted. It'll be cold (about 30°F), but totally worth it. There might be some crack-heads or mental patients still hanging around in the building, but most likely not. I hope…But we'll do a fun photo-shoot, then go to a diner across the street. I can't wait. If I think about it too much, I start to shake with anticipation. This is a great opportunity that I can't pass up.
Now, on to Leo. He and I still haven't spoken, and it feels so good. I feel free. I'm going to a Christmas Concert held by my high school each year. He's in the band, so I'll probably be seeing him. He'll probably see me as well. I won't do so much as bat an eye, but I wonder what he'll do. I'm curious. I'm going to support my friends, and Bambi is coming too. We're both supporting Adri. I don't think she knows we're coming, so it should be a sweet surprise. I don't think Leo knows I'm coming either, so his reaction should be interesting. I feel like it sounds as if I'm purposefully going to torture him or see him in pain. I'm not. It's simply an observation I wish to make.
Our final subject is Mr. Caster. I volunteered to help the elderly a while ago, but I was never matched. I went to the volunteer office yesterday to do some paperwork for them. As I was there, the coordinator found a possible match me. After I filed (taking up about 5hrs), we went together to visit the man. He's a sweet man. I like him. He's a WW2 vet like my grandfather. Mr. Caster was married for 64yrs. A love like his is only something I can wish for. The way he describes her and tells stories about their lives is so romantic and filled with adoration. He's old, but his mind is still here. The coordinator told me today that he approved me and he and I can now work together. I'm going to call him tomorrow to set up a good date and time.

Dreams

I just woke up from a strange dream. It was about Bambi. We were watching a movie in a movie theater or something, but we were in a large group of people. I sat a few seats down from him and there was a girl sitting in front of him. He leaned forward, put his arm around her on the seat, and was laughing and talking. It bothered me but I ignored it. Then she took her stuff and moved back into his row and sat next to him. They held hands and were laughing. She then got up to get some food and I went over to Bambi and took her seat. I started lecturing and yelling at him, and the girl returned. She saw me, and I said I didn't know it was her seat. I apologized sarcastically and she went a few rows back to find a seat. I started quietly yelling at Bambi and I accidently said "that fucking whore bag" really loud and everyone looked at me. The girl came over and started yelling at me. I told her I was his girlfriend and we've been dating for a while. I told her to get the fuck out, and she hit me. I punched her back and then kicked her in the leg which made her fall. Bambi was begging me to stop, but I didn't. I couldn't. I kept punching and kicking her while calling her names. Bambi was crying and telling me to stop hurting her. I stopped hitting her and sat back down. Bambi was crying and the girl was covered in blood and stood up. She said I was a bitch, and that Bambi didn't love me, that he loved her. I turned to Bambi and punched him in the face, then walked out. They both followed me. I tried to hit her again, but Bambi was yelling at me. I pushed the girl against a brick wall and was choking her with a necklace she had on. She was turning red, but then I woke up.
It was a crazy dream. But it was something I know I'm capable of. When/if I snap that hard, something bad like that is gonna happen. It was all so graphic. So frightening. So real.

Speed up. Slow down.

Despite not talking to Leo, today was an average day. I was up late last night doing 2 research papers and a long 5pg outline for school. I woke up this morning exhausted, but moved on with my day. I handed in each of my papers and assignments. Bambi worked a long shift today from around 6am to 4pm. He said it wasn't too difficult. My back has been killing me all day. I was hunched over my laptop yesterday while doing my work, so I guess that doesn't help at all. But it still hurts like hell. I had another paper to write today, so I did it at a formal table instead of on my bed. I thought the better posture would help, but it didn't. If anything, it made the pain a bit worse. Oh well. I took my sweet time, but finished the paper. I then took the most relaxing shower I've had in a while. I sang along with my Pandora radio and just let the hot water hit my back. Feeling the soap bubbles slowly dance down my body leaves me feeling clean and happy. I love showering. Especially when it's cold like it is now.
Tomorrow is a bit of a busy day for me. I'm meeting the sisters of a sorority and hopefully they like me. There's a photography meeting the same time as the sorority thing, but I told one of the other officers I couldn't make it. I had put off this sorority thing far too long. I want more friends, and I want to have more fun in college. Hopefully a sorority will help get me there. After that, I have my last music class and last math class for the semester. It will be the last math class I ever have to take. EVER. Then after those classes, I'm heading into Columbus Circle to meet Kyle and a friend of his for lunch at a Chipotle. I've never been there before, but I hope it's good. After lunch, I'm heading home and finished a portfolio project for my writing class due Friday. It's 32pgs so far, but I still need to add some stuff to it. It shouldn't take too much time because I already have about 90% of it done. So tomorrow is just another nonstop day for me.
My first semester of college is coming to a close very soon. Have I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish?...

Chances Blown

After my blow up at Bambi, we quickly fixed it. I hate being so mad. I can't even remember my stream of thoughts when I get mad. I don't know what goes through my head. It's uncontrollable. I know I have anger problems, and it scares me when I get that intense. I was actually shaking and getting red. I felt hot and angry. Even just thinking about being that upset makes my heart race. Although I'm unsure as to why it's racing. Am I scared? Or am I excited to fight?
Anywho, on to today's topic. Leo. Kristen (practically my sister) is working with him on some kinda project. She saw the inside of his locker. It's filled with pictures of me. His laptop background? A big picture of me. Creepy? Yea. I think so. But Kristen told her friend, who told Bambi, who told me. I told Leo and questioned him on it. Before he responded to me, he messaged Kristen yelling at her. Kristen was shocked because it was so out of the blue. Bambi asked if I had told Leo that Kristen saw the photos. What am I going to say? I'm not supposed to be talking to Leo in the first place, then I tell him some thing, and he blabs it to Kristen and shakes everything up. I denied speaking to Leo at first, but then I admitted to yelling at him. It makes me so frustrated that I'm trying to at least lay low with Leo and I, but he keeps gigantic pictures of me EVERYWHERE for the world to see. How does he not see the creepiness factor going on? But I'm angry about that, and also the fact that I questioned him on it and went right to yelling at Kristen. He didn't think. He never does. Now that little circle of Kristen, her friend and Bambi all know that I spoke to Leo at least once. I hope all of this is making sense to you guys out there. It's a bit jumbled, but so are my thoughts. Leo said he fucked up, and went to apologize. He then said that he needed to go (probably for a BSA meeting or something). I told him to not bother coming back. He saw my message when he got back, and didn't respond. I've honestly had enough. I can't deal with him. I left him behind, and it felt so good. So free. But I also felt guilty. Not this time. He did this to himself. I thought all of the high school bullshit was in the past. I just want to live happily ever after with Bambi. Why can't I? I know Leo loves me. I know he cares immensely for me. I know he is borderline obsessive. I know. But I can't deal with him any longer. He needs to either find a girlfriend, or go away forever.
Do you guys remember Adri? She's like the perfect little mix between Bambi and I. She really is like our child. But I heard that Leo likes her, and she likes him. I know they want to go out on a date, but she isn't allowed alone with boys. I think Leo lied to me. I think they did sneak around and went on a date. I don't want Adri around him. He's just a weirdo obsessive creep. He'll probably only use her to get to me. Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm being selfish. I don't know. But I do know that Leo has blown all of his chances with me. Next time I see him face to face, he better run.

Snap

It's important for me to get this down on paper before I lose my mind. I am shaking and crying in anger and frustration. Everyone has been getting on my nerves lately. Tonight Bambi and I were talking and planning for him to come over tomorrow and hang out. I told him I had just made a SnapChat and he got angry. I questioned it, and he's just a possessive moron. He doesn't like me sending pictures to other people. The only people I have as friends are Kristen (a close childhood friend), Jacob (a close friend), Antonio (Bambi's own brother), and Kyle (my best friend for over a fucking decade). He says I downloaded it because I wanted to be cool for everyone and I didn't care about his opinion. It gets me so mad when he brings that up. I have this mentality where I need to be perfect for everyone. I want to make everyone happy. I told him this a couple months ago, and ever since then he brings it up whenever we fight. It 's so fucked up. I wanted his help and support with it, not his bashings and mean words. I downloaded the App for me. I was curious about it and wanted to see if it was any fun. It is, and I'm gonna keep my account. I told Bambi just not to come tomorrow. I don't want him in my house bringing his negative energy into my peaceful space. This is Thanksgiving break, and it isn't a time for his bullshit.
When I get mad like this, I don't know what to do. I have anger issues. People don't see it because I bottle it up inside. But when I explode in private, it's bad. I want to scream and punch someone right now. I want to take my anger out on something. My laptop keeping autocorrecting me and I want to throw it on the floor. I feel so violent, and like I can really hurt someone. I really do want to hurt someone. I don't know how to deal with my anger. I don't know what to do. Normally I would cut and cry and get over it, but I've stopped that. I guess for now I'll finish this post then take a long shower. I'll sing some songs and cry and get it through my system. That's what I'll do. I'll just cry till something changes. I'll cry behind closed doors so no one else sees how fucking weak I am. I'm a loose cannon but I can't let anyone see that. I'm calm, cool, and collected. I have to be. That is what is expected of me.

Yu-Gi-Mon!

On Friday, I had a nice date thing with Bambi. He gave me an early Christmas gift. It was my own deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. I loved it. I used to play when I was younger, but got out of it once I ran out of friends to play with. He got me my own deck (for all of you Yu-Gi-Oh! fans out there, it's a Shark deck. Not an amazing deck, but it works). He retaught me the rules and basics and we got going on a match. I did pretty decently for myself. He only had to explain things a few times before I got it. I almost beat him a few times but it was all just simple mistakes. Playing with him was fun. We poked fun at each other and just had a good time. Then we played Pokémon on my DS for a bit, then went out to Dunkin Donuts for their salted caramel hot chocolate (which I HIGHLY recommend). We were being weird and funny and awkward. We were being us. We went back to his house and looked at some fetish sex toys. We saw butt plugs, whips, flogs, chastity belts, collars, and lots of leather and latex. I think it would be fun to use some of that stuff. Nothing major, just enough to spice things up. I got home that night, stayed up for a bit, then went to bed.
I slept in until 11:30 then started my shift at noon. The day was easy. My boss showed us new ways to clean and kept us there 30mins late. I hope I get paid for the extra time. Tomorrow (or technically today), I'm working 11-4. Not hard, just annoying. I don't wanna work. After that weekend off, I realized how much free time I would have if I didn't work. Just a food for thought I guess.
Lately, I've been questioning a lot. What do I want from life? What do I want to do with myself? Do I have any goals? Am I surrounding myself with the right people? Am I doing well enough in school? Why aren't I making more friends? Are my parents happy with what I've accomplished in my first college semester? The answer to all of those is a simple: "I don't know". I want to achieve something great in life. I just have so much I want to do. I want to join the Air Force, become an NYPD officer, get my Ph.D. (in Psych), start a family, and pursue some form of photography and writing. That's a lot for one person to accomplish. Do I choose? Or can I do all of them? Sometimes the pressure to satisfy myself and others is too much. When I think about it too much, I feel like breaking down and crying. That's how I avoid confronting problems; I just don't think about them. The questions of life continue to swirl around in my brain.

New Girl

I've been feeling empty lately. Like something is missing. I'm going through the motions of being alive. But I don't feel alive. I don't know what I feel. I want to do something crazy and wild and new. I want to remember that I am in fact alive. I wake up, do my 2hr commute, go to classes, do a 2hr commute home, bullshit, then repeat the next day. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel fulfilled; like waking up in the morning is worth it.


I learned a couple days ago that Antonio (Bambi's older brother) has a new girlfriend. It's his first girlfriend and she met his family after a week or so of dating. Antonio obviously likes her, but Bambi said she was a little bitchy and made a bad impression with his parents. I want to meet this girl for myself. If she hurts Antonio, I'll hurt her. He is like a brother to me. I've known him longer than I've known Bambi. I also want to make sure she understands who I am. I've been with his family for over 2yrs. If she thinks she's head bitch, she's dead wrong. You earn your place. From what I heard from Bambi, she gave Antonio and their parents an attitude. That's not cool. At all. Treat them with respect. Initially, I thought she sounded sweet and respectable from the way Antonio described. Bambi claims something different. I wanna decide for myself and meet her. I don't know when I'll meet her, but she better behave.

(P.S.) - I know this font above might be kinda strange looking, but I can't fix it…I copied and pasted it from my gmail..so meh