Air

Well, Sunday I worked with Bob. He wasn't too bad. Bert warned me, and I thought I was going to be harassed by Bob all morning. He was civil. We talked a bit, then Joey came. Joey and Bob get along so Bob took it easy I guess. I didn't make a single mistake all day (which is more than Bob can say). I was proud of myself. So I worked, cleaned, then went home. I'm off all week until Friday. Thank goodness.
Sunday night, Bambi and I had a fight. He was mad at me still about not talking to him on Saturday. Then he got mad that I didn't text him much on Sunday. I worked then went shopping with my mom for school supplies. Then we went to Macy's and she bought me new clothes for when college starts. We got shakes at BK then saw The Conjuring. It was nice bonding time. I wanted to go to sleep since I was exhausted from the long day. However, Bambi was pissed about not talking to me. I logged onto Xbox so we could talk for a bit. We just ended up arguing. He was heated and said something about my eating habits. I've struggled for years to keep my anorexia at bay. I've done really well. But what he said struck a sensitive topic and I started to cry. I logged off Xbox and cried. Bambi texted me and I pulled myself together. I know him, and I can predict what he does. He was apologetic. I told him not to cut. My words came too late. He sent me pictures. There were about 4 cuts each small, but deep. I couldn't handle it. I just turned my phone off and slept.
I woke up this morning with multiple texts from Bambi. He was sorry. I felt fucking horrible. I made him cut. I made him feel guilty. He was doing so well with cutting. He had gone months without it. I said good morning to him and started my day. I got dressed and went to the bank with my mom. We withdrew all my money and then went to the Omega diner (someplace that has a lot of childhood memories). We talked and ate. After breakfast, we went to the Apple store. I bought myself a Macbook Air. Such a dandy little device. I've been playing with it all day.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Kyle's house for a sleepover. We need some best friend bonding. I'm sleeping over Tuesday night, then he's having a get together on Wednesday with all our friends. It'll be a good next few days. Let me enjoy the summer while it lasts.

In Memoriam

Today was the memorial service for Kyle's father. I slept in a bit then got dressed. Only my dad and I went. My mom was working and my brother is a troll who lives in our basement playing video games. My dad and I drove to the church. On the way there, I learned that Bambi and his brother got wrong directions and ended up in a different place. I started giving them directions then stopped. I was passing their location in the car so I figured I would tell my dad to pick them up. It was hot, they were dressed up, it was almost time for the service to begin. It only made sense to pick them up. Our car was a bit hairy (because of my dog) and Bambi complained. His brother did too but he was joking. Bambi was being borderline obnoxious. He said he would have rather walked in the heat than take the ride and get furry. It was kinda obnoxious because I didn't have to pick him up, but I did. I figured it would help them out. Antonio was thankful but Bambi was not. I made me a bit mad.
Once inside, I saw Kyle. We hugged. I missed him. Bambi, Antonio, my dad and I then sat down. We were all quiet. Bambi was offended that I didn't talk to him while we waited for it to begin. I don't like talking in a church while waiting for a service. I think it's disrespectful. Bambi, however, took offense.
The service was nice. I almost cried at a few parts but I held it together. After the service, Kyle and I talked more. He said we should hang out more. I agreed. We've both been busy lately. I really need to make time for him. We continued talking and were joined by a couple of our high school teachers. It was cool seeing them too. After that, my dad and I drove Bambi and Antonio home. Bambi still seemed angry at me. Whatever.
I got home and changed into comfy clothes. I watched Columbiana with my mom. I'm going to bed soon. Work at 6am. With Bob. However, I'll only be alone with Bob for an hour. Joey is coming at 7. I hope I can keep calm. I just need to remember that murder is sadly illegal.

Tears Stream

I've been so depressed. It's hard to bring myself to write on here. I cant motivate myself. I guess this is just another wave of depression. It will pass. Soon.
Bambi came over on Tuesday. I was too scared for anal. I couldn't do it. I felt bad. I told him to just do regular sex. He looked somewhat disappointed but forgot about anal. We started to have sex and it hurt. It never hurt before, so why now? We've only had sex maybe a handful of times, but I was at least somewhat used to it. This time, the pain was immense. I thought if I held out, it would get better. It didn't. I kept going though. I was almost crying. I couldn't take it anymore and I pushed him off of me. He asked what was wrong. I was shaking and just curled up into a ball. He asked me again what was wrong.I just stayed quiet and tried not to cry. I calmed down and told him that it hurt. He apologized profusely and asked if he could do anything. He cared. That was nice. But in the back of my mind, I had guilt. Why couldn't I let him finish? I couldn't give him anal, nor regular. I'm not good enough. I couldn't make him happy. He insisted he was OK, and that he didn't mind. He felt bad for hurting me. I felt bad for failing him. I still feel bad. I want to be perfect for him and give him everything he wants. That night, he fell asleep before we got to play Xbox. I played alone. In the middle of a Halo 4 online match, I broke down. I cried. I had no one to talk to. Bambi was asleep and Leo didn't pick up his phone. I decided to text Bambi's brother. He talked me through it and made me feel better. He went to bed and so did I.
The day after, I was even more depressed. I didn't want to talk to him. I watched TV all day and did nothing. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't motivate myself to move. I stayed home and did nothing. I ate a lot of food. Emotional eating I guess. Not exactly healthy. As I'm writing this, I'm eating a bowl of KFC mac n'cheese. It baffles me how I'm still able to keep a decent figure.
Today, I had work. I worked with Joey. It was fun. We make a good team. I spent about half my shift in the back washing dishes. My hands feel almost raw. Bert has been fooling around with me a bit more lately. It makes me feel included. I only saw him fuck around with Jena and Billy and those people. Jena is gone for the summer, so maybe he's substituting me for her. Or maybe he's actually starting to like me. It fun being able to mess around at work. Joey and I screw around a lot sometimes too. Like I said, we make a good team. He offered me a ride home today. I declined. I kinda regret declining the offer, but oh well. I wanted some time alone listening to music. Music is like a safe haven. It makes me smile and puts me in a good mood. Tonight I'm going to be up late. I'm going to play some CoD and Halo. I'm going to listen to music. I'm going to be happy.

Anything to Make Him Happy

Working 10-4 was easy. I closed the shop by myself. Usually there's 2 main people there and Albert who does the dirty work in the back. This time it was only me and Albert. I had to tell Albert what to do and when to do it. I was nervous about fucking it up. LD wrote me a list before he left that day. I followed the list and completed each task. Or so I thought. I told Albert to make ice but I guess he didn't understand. I also left some excess money in the register by accident. Both of these were not the biggest mistakes but I was still embarrassed that I didn't do it right. Oh well.
Yesterday was a boring day. I just hung around the house and did nothing. Bambi and I were planning for today. Today he's coming over since I have the house to myself for a few hours. We're probably going to have sex. But he also wants to try anal. I personally hate butts with a passion. However, he has a butt fetish. I told him over a month ago that we would try anal. I'm worried. I know it'll hurt and I'm not sure if I'll even like it in the end. I'm always willing to try something once, including this. But just because I'm trying it, doesn't mean I'm not scared.

What of the Future?

Shit. I've been putting this off. So much has happened. I've been too depressed and angry to write.
Wednesday and Thursday were spent thinking about the future. I'm seriously considering going into the Air Force. I'm a smart girl, I could do it. The qualifications are bare minimum. Most jobs I looked at only require a high school diploma and 15 college credits. Some require a college degree, but not many. The Air Force seems like a good choice. It teaches useful skills, discipline and carries a lot of weight. If I ever apply to a job and say I was in the Air Force, the job is almost guaranteed for me. I spent those couple days thinking and researching. It certainly is a strong possibility for the future. I spoke to Leo about the Air Force. He was worried but supported me. He said how he and I had a lot in common with our desires for the future. I also talked to Bambi about it. He was against it. He's worried for me, which is understandable. He wouldn't say much on the subject. He's avoiding the conversation. He's really worried.
I woke up late for work Friday morning. I was rushing out of the house and barely made it to work on time. I came home to find Erik using my personal remote and headset for the Xbox. I don't like him touching my things. He never washes his hands and always has a weird smell. He leaves a film on everything he touches. Needless to say, I was angry. He knows not to touch my remote and headset. I usually bring it up to my room but I had forgotten to bring it upstairs the night previous. My mistake for leaving it there, however, he should respect my property. He's always bragging about how much money he has. Why doesn't he just buy a nice headset like mine and shutup? I get possessive over things like that so I got angry. My mom said she would speak to him about it. That never happened. Ever since then, I've been mad and depressed.
I went to work Saturday morning and I was actually in a good mood. Bob wasn't there and everything went smoothly. I was happy and laughing at work, but when I got home, it went back to sadness. I ate lunch alone while my parents watched TV. I wanted to nap in the AC in the living room but no. After a 6-1 shift, I can't sleep in the cool room. I curled up on the couch next to my mom and was rather uncomfortable. I wanted to stretch my legs. My ankle was sore. I was exhausted. I had to stay confined to 2 square feet on the couch. Awesome. I slept on the couch Saturday night because my room doesn't have AC. Thanks parents.
Sunday I worked the early shift yet again. No Bob, but a slightly busier day at work. I came home exhausted. Again. My mom wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to nap. I stayed up to watch a movie with her. She had good intentions. We then watched a second movie. I was passing out. After that movie, I showered and we ate dinner. Erik had a friend over. His friend was so I'll mannered. The way he ate appalled me. We had steak that he tried cutting with a fork and spoon. Seriously? It annoyed me.
Now I'm in bed. I'm working 10-4 tomorrow. I'm taking the bus to work so I need to be up a little earlier than normal. 9am alarm. 9am is a lot better than waking up at 5:30am. I still cant help but think about the future though. I feel like I'm in a bad wave of depression right now. Maybe I can sleep it off. My body will hopefully appreciate the rest. God knows I need it.

Short Stuff

Today gas been a good day so far. Work was easy. Joey and I bonded a bit and he gave me a ride home. He calls me Short Stuff and I call him Boy Wonder. During the day today, he and I had numerous back-and-forth 'arguments'. It's fun working with him. He helped me throughout the day handing me what I needed or whatever. I didn't like him at first, but I think I just jumped the gun. I'm working with him again on Friday. I'm not gonna lie, he's kinda cute and funny, but we're both in relationships. No funny business.
Now that I'm home from work, I'm going to relax and watch TV. I have the next 2 days off work. I need to find something to do. My face is sunburnt from Warped Tour so I don't want to go out and have people see my crazy face. Maybe I'll stay home and tan my body. Maybe I'll make some of my chocolate candies. Maybe I'll make myself some twisted tea. Yesterday I mixed 1/3 Snapple and 2/3 Jagermeister then put it in a cup with some ice. It was enough to relax me but not enough to make me silly. Who knows. Short Stuff will occupy herself somehow. Probably.

Fight and Make Up

Wow. I haven't posted in a few days. My bad.
Work on Sunday went pretty smoothly actually. Bob wasn't there, apparently he's on vacation. Hopefully he never comes back. I got home from work and my mom gave my family a whole spiel about how we never clean the house or do chores. I vacuum every couple days, scoop the cat box when she asks and feed the kitties very night. I at least try. So I sat through her rant, quickly ate a bagel, then started cleaning. Erik passed me multiple times saying how I should get to work and actually do something. It pissed me off. I do more than him on any given day. Also, I was up at 5:30 that day to work a 7hr shift. He has no consideration and it pisses me off. We finished cleaning for the day and relaxed.
Today I had the house to myself. I dusted and vacuumed again. I did dishes and took care of the cats. I washed my bed sheets too. It seems I got a lot done. Yet, I was still bored. Nothing to do. Bambi and I got into a fight and he was ignoring me. Childish but it's just how he is sometimes. I texted Mimi and talked to him for a bit. It was nice catching up. I got on Xbox and Bambi and I fought once more. I ignored him now.
Leo called and we spoke for over an hour. He misses me. The more I speak to him, the more I miss him too. I told him I loved him for the first time since we argued a few weeks ago. It felt weird saying it, but it's still true.
Bambi and I are getting along again. We got over it. We can never stay mad for too long. We're both stubborn so we argue a lot sometimes, however, we always make up. We will always be strong. We will always be a team.

Modern-Day Woodstock

I'm exhausted. The concert was nothing less than awesome. It was like a big music festival that went from 11am to 9pm. We got there at 10:30am and didn't leave till around 6:30pm. We were all tired and worn out. The festival had mostly metal/death core/screamo kind of music. I thought I wasn't going to like it, but to my surprise, I actually kinda maybe enjoyed it. Bambi, Antonio (his brother) and their friend Sonja were there also. We all jumped and rocked along with the music. Each of us was kicked and punched and tossed around a bit, but it was all in good fun. The sun was beating on us and we were covered in sweat (including other peoples' sweat). It felt kinda good to just let loose and have fun.
The smell of weed was everywhere. It made me think of a kind of modern day Woodstock. Every one just chilling out, smoking weed and enjoying music. I'm definitely going again next year.
Now, it's time to sleep. Like I said, I'm exhausted. I need to be up at 5:30 for work. I'm working with Bob. I really hope the happiness from the concert today will carry on into tomorrow.

Billy Bagels

There hasn't really been much to write about lately. Although, Leo called me last night. We spoke for about half an hour. It was kinda nice hearing his voice. Every time I pull away from him, I find myself wanting to go back. He's going to call again tonight in about an hour. He seems very eager to tell me all the happenings of camp. He was almost like a child showing off what he does and how cool he is. It's kinda cute.
Today I worked 10-4. It was a good shift. Billy and I talked a bit. He asked me for advice on his relationship. He's going to FL and leaving his gf behind here in NY. He and I seemed to bond a bit. I've always liked him, but only recently did I actually get the feeling of being good friends. We call eachother nicknames. I call him William or Billy Bagels. It's always fun working with him. I opened up to him about my dislike of Bob and how he makes me feel insecure. Billy said to just "fuck Bob. Ignore him." I wish I could. But Billy seemed to sympathize with my situation. I told him I'm considering quitting because of Bob. Billy said to just stand up for myself. Maybe I will. Who knows. After work, he offered me a ride home. It was raining and I had to take the bus. I accepted the offer. We drove and joked about customers at work and bad drivers. He dropped me off in front of my house and I thanked him. It was nice of him to drive me.
Tomorrow I have a concert with Bambi, his brother, and his girl friend. It's called Warped Tour. I'm excited for it. I'm hoping I'll have fun with Bambi and bond with his brother and friend. Now I'm going to shower, and play a mind-numbing amount of Halo. Wish me luck on my coming adventure that is Warped Tour.

Feel the Blade

Today I worked the closing shift 12-4. Easy. I took the bus home and listened to music. I've really been listening to a lot of music lately. I was looking forward to my xbox time with Bambi.
I just got on Xbox maybe 45mins ago. I played a few rounds of Infinity Slayer (my kinda secret obsession) and talked to Bambi. Or at least tried. He was quiet and seemed distant. His mic is kinda fucked up so it would cut out sometimes or he wouldn't hear me. It got me frustrated. Angry. I cursed at Bambi and got annoyed. I didn't even want to speak to him anymore. I was giving him short answers with an attitude and cursing. He didn't appreciate it. He got mad at me then left the chat. I decided to just sign off. I don't care. He doesn't want to speak to me anyway. We were going to meet up tomorrow at the mall but I really just dont want to see him. For some reason, I'm really mad. Furious even.
It's times like these where I see my anger issues come to light. The smallest things can set me off and fill me with unexplainable rage. When I'm angery like this, I usually cut to release the anger. I haven't cut in a few months. I can still see the scars but they're faint. They healed well. I promised that I wouldn't cut again. You can never really understand why people cut until you do it yourself. The release of emotion I feel goes beyond words. However, it's like a drug. You begin to like the pain and enjoy it more and more. I caught myself before it got too bad. Bambi wasn't as lucky. His cutting problem is worse than mine. He hasn't done it in a few months either. I'm proud of him. But, there is part of me that wants to cut again. Just to take out my knife, and feel the blade against my skin. I'm sick. I'm beginning to seriously think about seeing someone for my emotional and mental problems.

Sweet Pea

Monday was a fun day. I hung around my house for some much needed relaxation. I slept till 10, did some cleaning, then went for a walk. I felt accomplished. Usually I would just watch TV all day and be lazy. I'm trying to be more active and healthy. I got home from my walk and took a long shower. Nothing really beats the feeling you have when you accomplish something.
Bambi and I met up for dinner at 6. As soon as he saw me, he picked me up and squeezed me tight. It was so cute. We laughed and talked through dinner. Never a dull moment. We went and saw Monster's University after dinner. We were both laughing a lot. I recommend it. We finished off the night with ice cream at a local Haagen Daz place. We took the bus back to my house where my mom said she would drive him home. On the short walk from the bus stop to my house, I kissed him. Out of no where I turned around, grabbed his face and kissed him. He smiled and said he loved me. It felt so romantic. Kissing on a sidewalk on a quiet street only illuminated by a faint street light. His arms were around me and his hands rested by my waist. I felt so in love. Even after over a year of dating, we can still have a cute date where the conversation never goes dry. I think Bambi might be The One. I really love him with my whole heart. He is my Sweet Pea. He'll always be mine.

All Apologies

I've been a bit busy lately. I worked Friday, picked up and extra shift on Saturday, then worked the early shift today. Quite the busy bee. Every shift was relatively easy. Today was annoying because Bob was up my ass about everything. LD (my coworker who sometimes works early shifts with Bob and I) actually told my boss that Bob and I should never work together. Bob just doesn't like me. I work hard, I really do. I get along with everyone but him. To be honest, Bob's opinion means a lot to me. I want his approval, but I know I'll never get it. Why does he hate me? I don't get it.
Bambi has been kind of strange lately. Quiet and distant. He says he misses me. I miss him too. We're going out tomorrow to see Monsters University. It should be fun. I'm hoping that he cheers up when I see him. His smiling face is so infectious and cute. He has muscles, chest and facial hair, and a big body structure. Pair that with his chubby cheeks, blue eyes and adorable laugh and you got the perfect mix of cute and sexy. I feel more in love with him now than ever. Leo texted me the other night. He was apologetic and felt bad for calling my house and causing trouble with my mom. I feel so distant with him. Maybe I'm actually trying to move on. I don't know. I still love him and care about him. I hate how I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I hate myself for playing the fence. Not deciding. I want everyone to be happy. Including me. Am I selfish?

To Be Content

I usually don't post twice in one day but something weird just happened. Bambi and i were on Xbox like we normally would be this time of night. He left to do something for maybe 5 mins and in that period of time, I got super depressed. No idea why. I couldn't cheer myself up and neither could he. I hate how I have these bouts of depression for no apparent reason. Things are really getting to me. I wish I could forget all my problems. I want to always be happy, or at least content. Why can't I be normal?

Fly Me to the Moon

Alrighty. I gots my new phone. HTC Thunderbolt. Is not bad so far. It's totally touch screen so there no keyboard. It's kinda slowing me down but I got this. It's so awesome. I've never had this kind of phone before. I feel very fancy typing with the screen keyboard.
Any who, work yesterday was ok. Bob wasn't there. Thank God. It was a good shift. No major problems or complaints. The boss was on vaca so it was a chill environment. Later I went to va baseball game with Bambi, his family and his youth group. He's not religious but he has friends in that church, so we hang out ball together sometimes. The night was fun. My family came too and it was fun for all of us. Since it was the 3rd of July, the baseball game had fireworks at the end. It was so sweet to be kissing Bambi with fireworks and Frank Sinatra in the background. I felt so complete and happy with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
You know what's weird? Leo hasn't been crossing my min as often as he used to. He hasn't emailed me back. I sent him an email apologizing for the rude email I sent telling him to go fuck himself. He's probably mad at me. Understandable. But should I persue him any more or is the ball in his court now?

Lost Ticket..

Today has been a boring day stuck home all alone. Again. No cell phone, no decent computer, nothing good on tv and no human contact besides my family. I'm slowly going crazy. Tomorrow I have work from 6-12. I have to be up at 5:30am. I haven't been up that early in at least a month. I'm gonna be tired as hell, and have to deal with Bob. He's the last person I want to see right now. I can't deal with his bullshit. I heard that he's been in a good mood lately. No idea why, but I don't care. I just hope he doesn't get on my nerves like he normally does. I can't handle his bitchy attitude.
After work, I have a baseball game with Bambi, his family, and his youth group. Sounds fun but I lost a ticket. I need 4 tickets, but only have 3. Bambi said it'll be fine. I'm texting him now via my mom's phone but he hasn't told me how to get into the stadium without a ticket. I'm more stressed than I should be about this. I just need to relax and have a good time with Bambi and his friends. Maybe that'll take my mind off of the craziness that is my life.

Fix Me

So last night after I posted here, I just hung out around my house bored as usual. Around 8:30pm, my home phone rings and my mom picks it up. She says it's for me. It's someone named Leo. My heart dropped when she said it was Leo. Why was he calling my house? Does he understand what he has just done? So he and I spoke on the phone for maybe 15mins, then he assumed something was wrong and said goodbye. My mother wouldn't let me leave her sight while I was on the phone. She was listening in on our conversation. She only heard what I was saying to him, but I made sure that anything I was saying was very neutral and didn't give away much information (I mostly just said things like "yes" "no" "I guess" "kinda"). I hung up the phone and my mother didn't waste a second. She began questioning me and giving me harsh looks. I didn't want to tell her who it was. Leo isn't his real name, it's a pseudonym I use for him on here and if he and I talk in public so no one will know who he is. My mother became angry at me, and even hostile. I told her who it was. It all went downhill from there. She accused me of cheating and being dishonest. She came as close as she could to calling me a whore without actually saying it. I gave her an attitude to piss her off. I didn't want her opinion or thoughts on the matter. I didn't care, and I made that perfectly clear to her. She babbled and ranted for a while. Once she was done, I said nothing.
I went and took a hot shower. I thought of Leo and why he would call my house. It was so uncalled for, and crossed a line. He knows my phone is broken, I explained it to him in a quick email I sent a few days ago. There was no need to call me. He knows how uptight my mom can be, and he only made my situation so much worse.She thinks I'm a slut. It hurt me to think that my mother actually suspects me of cheating. I'm not cheating. I promise I'm not. I care for Leo with all my heart, but not in a romantic way. Not anymore. I just showered and tried to forget about it. I thought about Bambi and how I want to talk to him. After I showered, I curled up in bed with my DS and played Animal Crossing (one of my favorite games). I played for about 2hrs till my family went to bed.
I got out of bed around 11 and went downstairs to play Xbox. Bambi was on. I was happy. He could tell when we were talking that I was a bit sad. He inquired why and I told him I had fought with my mother. It's nothing new, so he didn't pry into the subject. I played Halo, and he played Sonic. We talked and laughed. He always makes me feel better. We kept playing till around 4am, then we signed off. I went to bed and passed out. I woke up this morning around 11 and used my desktop computer to write Leo an email. I told him to go fuck himself. Was that a little too harsh? I don't know. Maybe. Is now the time to seperate from him? He wanted to split up in the first place, so I would only be revisting his plan.
I'll see how the day(s) progress. Maybe he'll write me an email soon. I want to see his side of this. I want to leave him, yet I want to stay and fix him. He's so fucked up and broken. But so am I. Maybe I need to focus on myself before I try to fix him. Ever heard of the song Fix You by Coldplay? It makes me cry every time. I think of how broken I am. Where are the lights that will guide me home? The only thing I have left to live for is Bambi. Maybe he will be the person to fix me. Leo lost someone he can't replace. He lost M, and now can't find anyone else to love. I'm the only person who is willing to love him back. He doesn't love me for me, he loves me because I can reciprocate love. He says I am like his girlfriend sometimes, but I don't see it like that. I feel like his mother. The loving mother that he also does not have. Sometimes we need to teach lessons through tough love. I need to let Leo go. I've done all I can for him at this point.
Bambi just called my house phone. We only talked for 10mins, but he still made me smile. I love him. I truly do love him. One day, he will guide me home. He will make me whole again. I am certain.