Tears Stream

I've been so depressed. It's hard to bring myself to write on here. I cant motivate myself. I guess this is just another wave of depression. It will pass. Soon.
Bambi came over on Tuesday. I was too scared for anal. I couldn't do it. I felt bad. I told him to just do regular sex. He looked somewhat disappointed but forgot about anal. We started to have sex and it hurt. It never hurt before, so why now? We've only had sex maybe a handful of times, but I was at least somewhat used to it. This time, the pain was immense. I thought if I held out, it would get better. It didn't. I kept going though. I was almost crying. I couldn't take it anymore and I pushed him off of me. He asked what was wrong. I was shaking and just curled up into a ball. He asked me again what was wrong.I just stayed quiet and tried not to cry. I calmed down and told him that it hurt. He apologized profusely and asked if he could do anything. He cared. That was nice. But in the back of my mind, I had guilt. Why couldn't I let him finish? I couldn't give him anal, nor regular. I'm not good enough. I couldn't make him happy. He insisted he was OK, and that he didn't mind. He felt bad for hurting me. I felt bad for failing him. I still feel bad. I want to be perfect for him and give him everything he wants. That night, he fell asleep before we got to play Xbox. I played alone. In the middle of a Halo 4 online match, I broke down. I cried. I had no one to talk to. Bambi was asleep and Leo didn't pick up his phone. I decided to text Bambi's brother. He talked me through it and made me feel better. He went to bed and so did I.
The day after, I was even more depressed. I didn't want to talk to him. I watched TV all day and did nothing. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't motivate myself to move. I stayed home and did nothing. I ate a lot of food. Emotional eating I guess. Not exactly healthy. As I'm writing this, I'm eating a bowl of KFC mac n'cheese. It baffles me how I'm still able to keep a decent figure.
Today, I had work. I worked with Joey. It was fun. We make a good team. I spent about half my shift in the back washing dishes. My hands feel almost raw. Bert has been fooling around with me a bit more lately. It makes me feel included. I only saw him fuck around with Jena and Billy and those people. Jena is gone for the summer, so maybe he's substituting me for her. Or maybe he's actually starting to like me. It fun being able to mess around at work. Joey and I screw around a lot sometimes too. Like I said, we make a good team. He offered me a ride home today. I declined. I kinda regret declining the offer, but oh well. I wanted some time alone listening to music. Music is like a safe haven. It makes me smile and puts me in a good mood. Tonight I'm going to be up late. I'm going to play some CoD and Halo. I'm going to listen to music. I'm going to be happy.