Wing Night

Yesterday, I stayed home during the day. My heater was fucked up, so I had to occasionally go downstairs and smack it to get it going again. I made myself an omlette, or at least tried. It somewhat turned into just a pile of egg, cheese and onion. It was still good, but a bit cold. I watched some TV, did laundry, and got dressed. I was nervous. What do I wear? I wanted to look good, but not like I tried too hard. I ended up picking an owl sweater with jeans. Casual, but cute.
I headed out and took the journey to meet the girls at school. I got there almost exactly on time, and we headed out soon after. They were all asking how I was, if I had classes that day, my major, and other questions. I felt a little awkward, but I tried to talk and be more involved. We took the train together and got to Buffalo Wild Wings. We had a group of 10, and the wait time was near 2hrs. We were all starving and didn't want to wait. Instead, we went to an Applebee's close by. We got a table instantly and we all talked. Everyone was playing games on their phones, gossiping, joking around, and just having a good time. We ordered food and I didn't know what to expect. Were they going to be neat and clean when eating? I didn't want to be a pig, so I ordered a Mexican chicken salad thing. It was pretty great. But some of the girls got wings and burgers and weren't afraid to be messy and gross. It made me laugh a few times. These are the kinda girls I want to be with. They're fun, don't care what people think, and are all so close with eachother. Eventually we left and took the trains to get home. Each time someone would split from the group, they all kissed eachother on the cheek and said goodbyes. They even included me in this kissing ritual. It made me feel like once again, I belonged there. The head of the group told me to text her when I get home to make sure I made it there alright. I texted her, and we exhanged a few messages. She said she thinks I'll fit right in with them. Last night really made up my mind for me. This is somewhere I don't just want, but need to be.

Setting Sun

Holy shit. Over 2000 page views. Thank you guys for reading my blog, and listening to my constant complaining and bullshitting. It's good to know that people out there might actually care about what's going on inside my brain.
Anyway, the last couple days I've been exhausted so I skipped blogging. Tuesday was my regular day off from school. I slept in rather late, watched anime, then headed off to visit Mr. Caster. We watched movies and a short documentary thing on Clara Bow. She was pretty, and talented. Kind of quirky, and odd. A tomboy at heart, and only entered the Hollywood scene by winning a contest of personality rather than beauty. She somewhat reminded me of myself. I mean, I'm definitely not an actress like she was, or a singer like she was, but I can at least sort of hold my own. I just found her to be interesting. Anyway, my mother picked me up from his house, and we shopped, then picked my brother up from school. We got home to find our house freezing. The heater had turned off while we were out. It was 59F, and would continue to drop if our heater wasn't fixed. My mom was able to somehow magically get it working again, but the house took a while to heat up to a normal temperature. I curled up into a ball and slept.
I woke up late this morning for class, so I was rushing. My mom was able to give me a ride to the subway. I would have made it to school on time if the MTA wasn't such a bitch. I was 5mins late to my health class, and the bitch of a professor locked me out. Thanks. So I waited with Elijah in the library until the next period. I had psych. It wasn't bad, but as each class progresses, I'm realizing more how my professor lacks in public speaking skills. She is still nice enough though. I had a 2hr layover between classes, so Elijah and I hung out again. We just talked and bantered and told stories. We soon headed off to our classes. History class was entertaining. We were discussing the colorful topic of conspiracy theories having to do with the JFK assassination. It kept me awake and rather amused. Music class was not nearly as entertaining. I fell asleep, spazzed myself awake, and caused people to look at me. Ugh. I woke myself up and paid attention. We're currently studying Egyptian art, which is actually rather interesting. I would love the class a whole lot more if I had it earlier in the day and wasn't so tired. As I left the class, I looked out the window of the 7th floor. The pink and orange sky was illuminating the glorious Manhattan background. Across the water, I saw the Statue of Liberty. It's so cool that I live in New York City. So many people only dream of coming here and seeing all of the things I take for granted. The City is cool, I guess. Elijah and I took the train home and I was starving. I only had $1 in my pocket, and nothing is cheap in NYC. Even a bag of chips in the cafe are $1.50. I starved all the way home and then ate half my weight in pasta and chicken parmesan. Needless to say, that made me a very happy girl. Now I'm laying in bed blogging and doing some school work. I'm exhausted, but I know I can sleep in tomorrow. I'm home all day until I meet with the Kappas for Wing Night. I'm so excited to hang out with them and make some friends. I saw one of them in the hallway and they said hi to me! I was thrilled and smiled for the rest of the day. Being acknowledged made me feel like for once, I actually maybe belonged there.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I have yet to open Leo's gift. I read his card. He apparently made it himself, and it's something I wear. That's all I have gathered. I don't know if I'm ready to open it. Even if the gift is something small and insignificant, I will surely treasure it. I still have every note he gave to me. I have his assortment of ties. I have a little boat/hat he made for me called the S.S. Valkyrie. I have it all. It's tucked away in a drawer neatly where no one but me could ever see it. I keep thinking that I have to throw his things away. I have to. It's part of moving on. But I can't. I look at his ties and read his notes more often than I care to admit. I won't just throw away all of those memories and pieces of our history. They have to go, but not now. Not anytime soon. I'm not ready to fully detach. When he came and visited the shop last week, I couldn't smile at him. I didn't want to invite unwanted behavior. However, on the inside I was smiling wide and taking note of everything he said and did. I'm ridiculous, and I'm damn well aware of it.

Going Greek

I didn't want to post anything on here about this before it happened, because I didn't want to back out and look like an idiot if I didn't do it. I was supposed to do this last semester, but pussied out. Today was a stressful day for me. My first 2 classes were spent being nervous and excited at the same time. The time had finally come. Room 6403, 12:20pm. I sat outside of the room too nervous to enter. Elijah eventually coaxed me inside after an hour of internal conflict and arguing with myself. I walked in, and was greeted by smiles. Before me were the sisters of Kappa Theta Nu. I was finally meeting them, and taking the first step to entering Greek life. The sisters greeted me (about 5 of them were in the room). I recognized one of them. She was in the high school choir with me, and graduated a year before me. She asked how I was and then introductions started. A powerpoint was presented, and the founding values were made clear. Kappas don't just party, but they volunteer and help out in the community. I loved it before the powerpoint was even over. I got an application to fill out asking questions like what my name was, to my favorite color, to my hobbies. The sisters continued to banter and explain basics of Greek life. Then each of the sisters went around the room introducing themselves. Soon, more sisters arrived. About 5 more of them entered the room and did introductions after greeting me. I recognized a couple of the new pledges. They were from my writing and psych classes last semester. They recognized me too and seemed happy. Seeing all of the sisters laughing and hugging and joking together made me feel like that was something I needed. Something I wanted. There was one other girl at the meeting who was filling out her application as well. She seemed nice, and kinda cute. In order to be considered for sisterhood, I have to attend more than half of the events held by the Kappas. Today's meeting counted as one. The others include wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings, movie night in our PJs, an ice cream social, game night, and then ice skating. I can't wait to get to know these girls. They all seem like such a happy group of people. One of the recent pledges told me that she was really close to these girls, and before this club, she would have never imagined even talking to some of them. I feel happy. Excited. Thrilled. Why was I so nervous about going in to see them? I guess I was worried about being judged. Just by looking at the sisters and seeing how they acted, I can tell they're all confident. During introductions, I learned one of them was extremely shy like I am, and only had one friend before joining the Kappas. Now she's very outgoing and talkative and has tons of friends. I want to enjoy my time in college. This is the first step to being who I want to be.

Gift Bag

I woke up a lot during the night. I was tossing and turning and checking the clock to see how much sleep I could get. I felt rested when I woke up. I was working with Matt for a few hours until Kevin and Ray got there. Matt and I made some sex jokes and just talked. Kevin came and informed us that a cap he had on a tooth had fallen out. The tooth underneath was as small as a child's baby tooth. It was quite adorable, and very hilarious. He joked about it, and smiled so I could see it. Work continued being...well, work. The crowds came inconsistently. As time went on, I checked my phone and saw a text Leo had sent me. He was close. My heart was pounding and I didn't know what to do. I kept myself occupied and working. I looked up and I saw him. He was smiling. I averted my eyes and continued helping my customer. One of my coworkers took his order, and then Leo stepped to the side to wait for me. This was the moment I had been dreading, yet looking forward to. I came from behind the counter once the crowd ceased. I added milk to my tea, and he put a gift bag on the coffee counter. What? I was confused. He remarked how the shop still gets pretty busy. He told me the money is also in the gift bag. I forgot about the money, and went full retard. I asked him why there was money. He smiled, I remembered he owed me money, and he left. The exchange was less than 2 minutes all together. It was more expedited than I had thought it would be. I guess maybe it was a good thing.
I finished my shift and went home. I immediately went upstairs and looked inside the bag. I found these chocolate sticks he knows I like. There was also a wrapped gift, which I have yet to open. There was the money, $10 more than he owed. And finally there was a letter in an envelope. I haven't read it yet. For now I'm going to just sit down, watch Breaking Bad, and eat a stale brownie I stole from work. Part of me wants to rip open the letter and read it. Part of me wants to just throw it away without a second thought.

Sleep Tight

I had school today. I woke up late and rushed out of my house. I took the bus to the subway, and promptly fell back into the habit of napping on the train. It felt like the train ride lasted forever, which was enjoyable. I slept and was warm for a change. My stop came after a little over an hour of sleeping. I zipped up, and trudged to school through the slick ice and partially melted snow. I arrived cold, but barely had time to defrost. My health class was starting soon. I went to my locker, dropped off my coat, and walked up to the 5th floor. I decided to try and exercise a bit more, I'll be taking the stairs whenever possible (like I did first semester). Health class was boring, and my professor is a very outspoken liberal democrat. I personally am a republican, and despise liberals with a passion. Anyway, the class was boring and ended in due time. Next was psychology. My professor is nice, but I noticed today that isn't such a great public speaker. I think I can deal with that. After psych, I waited an hour to meet up with Elijah. We talked and caught up and compared professors. Soon, we both ran off to our classes. Buddhism was very fun. I think it's probably my favorite class so far. Everyone is very open and asks deep questions. The professor isn't afraid to dive into controversial subjects and explore different viewpoints. Even I participated in the open discussion. I never speak in class, so this is promising. The class ended much too soon, and I headed to history. I don't care much for history, but I sat through it. I had bought a bag of jalapeño chips on my way to the class so I was occasionally munching on those. The professor let us go, and I met up with Elijah. We took the subway home and talked like we used to. We aren't going to travel together very much anymore, so today was a rare occurrence. He took the bus home, and I caught a ride from my mom.
I got home exhausted, but starving. I got chocolate chip cookies and dipped them in chocolate milk. It has milk in it, so it's still somewhat healthy. Right?…Now I'm sitting in bed blogging. I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. Of course I'm working the early shift at 6. Leo is also coming tomorrow. I'm nervous beyond words. I'm sure he is too. I just hope this goes down quick and easy.

Leo's House

I woke up this morning, and was quite tired. However, I did my last minute chores and packing. I took my bus fare, and headed out to Bambi's house. It was freezing outside. With the windchill, it was close to 0. The first bus came quickly and I warmed up listening to music. The second bus took significantly longer. It took over a half hour to come. By the time it came, I had lost feeling in my feet and parts of my face. I got into the bus and thawed out very slowly. While on the bus, I was listening to music and texting people. I looked up and noticed where I was. I was right in front of Leo's house. I had forgotten the bus goes right by his home. I looked out the window and saw his house. Part of me wanted to hit the stop button, get off, and go to his front door to talk to him. I knew he would most likely be home. Midterms are this week, and he never has to take them because he's always exempt. I knew that as I passed his house, he was probably inside having no clue I was passing right by him. I refrained from getting off and continued my journey. I took a third bus and finally arrived.
Antonio greeted me at the door and when I came inside, Bambi was playing a Yu-Gi-Oh! game with his friend Joe online. I guess he was too busy to greet me himself. I cuddled up next to him and tried to warm up. I got bored of just watching him play. He eventually signed off and said hi to me. We talked and got onto the topic of juggling. Bambi can juggle pretty well, and he practices often. I never learned how to juggle, so today Bambi taught me. I wasn't very good at all. The balls were flying around the room hitting Antonio, Bambi, the Xbox, the computer, and everything else. It took time, and a lot of patience from Antonio and Bambi, but I got it down. I was able to kinda juggle and look good doing it. After the juggling, I decided to make all of us some hot cocoa. They all enjoyed it and then we played Pokémon. Soon, Bambi and Antonio's friends Joe and Gio came over. They're nice enough guys, and I really do like them, but I feel so out of place with them. They're all discussing card and video game tactics, laughing at inside jokes, and sorta leaving me out of the loop. However, it isn't their fault. The four of them have grown up together and are very tight with each other. Bambi and I separated from the group and built our snowman. It was more of a blob than a snowman, but I loved it. We gave him little twig arms, beady red eyes, a stick mouth, and an icicle nose. We soon went inside, and everyone decided they were hungry. The five of us walked to a local deli and the guys all ordered food. While there, Bambi asked if I wanted to hang out with them or be solo. I told him I don't really feel comfortable around the whole group. He said we would hang out on our own. We headed back to Bambi's house, and the group all ate together. Bambi's parents came home, and Antonio, Gio, and Joe all left to hang out somewhere else. Bambi's mom started talking to me and I couldn't escape. I don't want to be rude and just walk away. Every time I tried to end the conversation, she would start it again. She and I talked for about an hour while Bambi sat alone in another room. Bambi's dad offered to drive me home, so we left. Bambi and I didn't really spend much alone time together today. I thought we would have a cute date just hanging out together, but of course not. I was dropped off at home and my day was over. I wish Bambi and I had more time together.
I also can't decided whether I made the right choice. Should I have gone to Leo's? Maybe it would have been easier doing it that way. But his parents may have been home. I don't know. Should I have gotten off the bus and knocked on his door? Or did I make the right choice by just passing by. As I passed, I was wondering what he was doing at that very moment. Was he cooking? Watching tv? Maybe studying? Or even out for a run? I'll never know.

Always Holding on to Stars

We didn't pray hard enough. I had classes. I rolled out of bed and checked my college's website. Of course, it said it was open. I quickly got dressed and threw my hair up in a bun. My dad drove me to the train station and I began my journey. Once I got onto the train, it was like second nature. I found a seat, put my headphones on, and did some people watching (one of my favorite train activities). Soon, my stop came sooner than expected and I trekked through the snow to get to school. I was a little early, but I got to my first class. Today is when I was supposed to be meeting all my professors for the semester for the first time. My health professor canceled class 5mins before it was due to start. Of course. I waited around for an hour until my next class was due to begin. My psych professor seems to be very chill. She's young, and she's lived in Uganda (yet she was born in Canada, and is an Indian by descent). The classes ended 45mins early, and I had a long break between that and my next class. I spent almost 3hrs napping and playing my 3DS. I found my next class, and the professor is actually hot. He teaches Buddhism. And get this - 40% of our grade is going to be based on blogging. I'm gonna ace that class. Then came history (which I had to really hunt for to find the room). The professor is nice,  but kinda goes off and long tangents. He reminds me of a religion teacher I had in high school. Super nice guy, but can really get off track. Last of all was my art history class. It was held in an official lecture hall WITH SWIVEL CHAIRS. I had fun swiveling and playing around while we watched part of a documentary about cave paintings in France. The professor has an accent that makes EXAMINATION sound like INSEMINATION. She may be a problem to understand.
After that class, I ran out of the building as fast as possible. I got onto the subway and did my people watching. I was slowly nodding off due to the unexpected long day. I got home and my dad made me hot cocoa. Tomorrow I'm going to Bambi's house to build our snowman, make hot cocoa, and watch movies. It should be a fun day.
Leo sent me an email early this morning suggesting he and I meet up after I get out of work on Saturday to talk and exchange money. I read it when I woke up, but didn't respond until I got out of school. I had to think about what I wanted to say. I wanted to say yes to meeting up and talking, but then I wanted to say no because meeting up behind Bambi's back would just be repeating the past. It's a bad choice for Leo and I. As I told him, contact should stay to a minimum. The last thing I want is the crave his contact again. It's better off without him. We're both better off. I did nothing but string him along and serve as a unobtainable goal. We'll just meet at my work, exchange the money, maybe talk for a minute or so, then I'll get back to work. It's what must be done. Quick and easy.

Vortex

The vortex is upon NYC once again. The snow has been falling since early today, and the temperatures are in the teens. Winds are blowing the powder everywhere and creating massive drifts. I stayed indoors all day and watched tv. I'm now on season 2 of Breaking Bad. I love it. I decided to make myself some breakfast and attempted an omelet. I succeeded, and it tasted amazing. I was very proud of myself for that small accomplishment. Soon after, my mom left to pick my brother up from school. It took her an hour and a half for a trip that was usually 20mins (at most). I made hot cocoa for the first time when my mom and brother returned. They enjoyed it, and Erik even said it was the best hot chocolate he had ever had. Not bad for my first time. My mom and I waited for my father to get home from work. It was taking a while, and he was late arriving home. I decided to go outside and shovel the snow. So far, I'd say we have about 6-8 inches of snow on the ground, with more to come. I suited up in layers upon layers of clothes. I don't own any snow pants anymore, so I borrowed my brothers (which were actually big on me). I never realized how much work shoveling was. It takes strength. Or maybe I'm just weak. I did my house and my older neighbor's house. I did his steps, turned around, and most of the work I had done was already snowed over. I got back to work and cleaned it up a bit. My dad poked his head out of our front door and told me to come inside. I guess while I was leaving out of the back of our house, he had come in through the front. Weird timing. I came inside and had an eggplant parmesan hero. It was delicious. Now I'm going to go shower. I feel kinda sweaty. I really hope classes are canceled for tomorrow. Pray for me.

Frozen in Time

Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about Leo and what it will be like seeing him. Eventually, I drifted off and slept. I had a restful night sleep before starting my day. I got up and dressed, and found a girl in my kitchen. Her name is Katie, and she's a friend of Erik's. They're both the same age, in the same grade, and go to school together. Katie has been to our house several times before and I quite like her. She's sweet and cute, and of course very courteous. She's a natural red-head with curly hair and freckles. Katie also reminds me of myself when I was young. She's a tomboy who likes video games and adventures more than Barbies and dresses. She looked up, smiled, said good morning to me, and then continued to read The Wall Street Journal. I didn't question why she was reading it, or even why she was at our house. I got my things together and left. My dad said he was going to take me out driving before I met Bambi at the movies. He took me to a parking lot and showed me the basic controls. I adjusted my seat and mirrors, then took off. I did turn after turn and practiced braking and accelerating. My dad put cans out in front of the car and I had to crush them with my tires. This helps me to know where my tires are, thus letting me know the basic parameters of the car. It took a few tries, but I did it. Then, he told me to do a 3-point turn. I did it flawlessly, multiple times. My dad was impressed. I was driving straight when a car was heading right toward us. I easily slipped the car into reverse and backed it up so they could pass. I'm becoming more and more comfortable behind the wheel. I like being able to drive. I went to get out of the drivers seat, and forgot to put it in park. The car started to roll but I got it. I guess I shouldn't get too cocky.
I met Bambi at the theaters and saw the movie. It was adorable. Bambi was smiling and laughing a lot. I loved just seeing him be happy. I wish that he could always be that happy. I want Bambi to always smile and laugh. By the end of the movie, we decided we should build a snowman together, but it doesn't have to be a snowman. As fate would have it, we're expecting snow tomorrow. We wanted to get together and play in the snow, but my mother said that traveling might be dangerous. The snow will still be there on Thursday, so we'll do it then. After the movie, he and I walked to his house. Antonio was there and we talked for a bit. We all hung out and watched the Kingdom Hearts Timeline (which confused me A LOT). I've never played the games, so Bambi thought showing me the timeline would help to introduce me to the series. He wants to play it together with me, and show me why he loves it so much. It was confusing, but I somewhat followed. I wish that today would have never ended. I love being around Bambi. He makes me happy. I love him with all my heart and soul. Without him, I can't be me.
Anyway, I start school on Wednesday. I'm scared, and nervous as all hell. Back to my normal 4hr a day commute and 12hr days. Oh boy.

Step Up

I figured now that I got the more important stuff out of the way, I would ramble about my day. I worked with Jena today 6-11. It was her last day at the shoppe. She's forming at college for the upcoming semester, so she won't be around anymore. I wished her luck and I'm genuinely going to miss her. Now that she's gone, I'm the only girl there. I'm also the cashier/server with the most seniority.  Billy, Jena, and Adam had all worked at the shoppe before I got there. Adam got fired. Billy moved. Jena is leaving for school. Now there's me. I feel like I'm the senior, but know nothing. I don't work nearly as fast as they worked, and I'm not as good with remembering prices. I also don't know much of the storage area downstairs. After a year and a half of working there, you would think I would be more efficient. I really need to step up now. I'm going to be the person training any new people, so I need to know my shit. It's scary and very daunting. Let's hope I can handle the responsibility. I've never been much of a leader, so this will be new, and very different.
Tomorrow, everyone has off due to MLK Day. I was going to have my party in the city tomorrow, but my cousin disappeared for the last week or so and planning fell behind. So instead, we're going to plan it for a Saturday night sometime. I'm grateful that he's doing this for me. Anyway, the party is postponed. Tomorrow, I'm instead seeing Frozen with Bambi. I wanted to see Lone Survivor, but I was hesitant to take Bambi along. He said he was fine with seeing it, so I suggested we movie hop from Lone Survivor to Frozen. Bambi said he couldn't sit for almost 4hrs straight (and frankly, he has a good point). So we decided to see Frozen tomorrow, and then catch Lone Survivor next week. I'm just excited to see him. He's been having a somewhat tough time at work and with his home life. He just needs to get out of the house and have some fun. I'm looking forward to just talking and seeing Frozen. It's gotten a lot of hype from my friends, and the internet in general.

Restitution

I woke up early for work today. Even earlier than I was supposed to thanks to my father waking me up 10mins early (it may not seem like a lot, but at 5:30am, even a single minute makes a difference). I figured I may as well get up and dressed. I was ready to go, but still had some time to spare. I checked my phone and notifications. I was deleting my emails when I saw one that made my heart stop. It was from Leo. I quickly opened and read it. It was about money he owes me. Last year I had let him use my credit card to renew his Xbox Live account (then he paid me in cash for it). It was no big deal, and life went on. His Xbox account had just automatically renewed itself again using my credit card (without my knowledge). Leo seemed very apologetic and wanted to give me the money for it. He said he made sure it wouldn't happen again. I decided maybe I should take this chance to sit down with him and talk some stuff out. I suggested meeting at the mall, but he said he would just meet me at work for a quick and easy money delivery. I'm not sure whether he doesn't want to talk, or is just being overly formal and cautious. Either way, I agreed to him meeting me at work. I have a feeling it will be awkward when we see each other. Do I hug him? Do I take his order and go about treating him like a regular customer? Do I come from behind the counter and take time to talk? I don't know. I'm socially awkward as it is, and I don't want to make our situation worse. We exchanged a few emails, but nothing major. I'll find out my schedule for work in a couple days then let him know. The more I think about it, the more it scares me.
After work, my mom picked me up and she wanted to take me driving. I was exhausted and my feet hurt, but I've only been out driving once since I got my permit, and it was around a parking lot. We stopped home and I grabbed my permit. My mom drove to a quiet neighborhood not too far from my house. She showed me how to use the turn signals and adjust the mirrors properly. I'm somewhat tiny, so I also had to move the seat up a bit. This was my first time ever driving on an open road with other cars and people. I was terrified and nervous. I started out slow and took my time. As I got more comfortable, I was using the gas and brake more fluidly. Apparently I'm not a bad driver (so far), I only make wide turns. I also have a hard time staying in the middle of the street. My mom's car is a crossover, so it's bigger than the average car. It's bulky and wide, so I have problems with judging space between me and other cars. By the end of the driving session (about 45mins), I was able to make successful right turns, brake smoothly (sorta), and park (kinda). Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

Password

My muscles have never ached so much in my life. My legs are killing me, my neck is sore, and I have a wicked headache. I had to work 10-4 today in this condition. It sucked, but I worked with Matt. He and I had never closed solo before, so today was a first. We talked and worked per usual. Then we actually engaged in serious conversation. I told him about my adventure yesterday, and we started talking about relationships. I told him I was always too self-conscious to really open up to people. Matt said I should always be confident and fuck what people think. It made me happy that he supported me. I was up on the ladder cleaning again, and my ass was eye level with his face. Once again, he commented on how it was in his way. I told him to quit staring and work, but he told me he could do two things at once. I was still cleaning and he came up behind me while I was on the ladder. He said he wanted to pick me up. I let him, and it was terrifying. He put me down and said I weighed about 110lbs. He's off by about 20lbs, but I'll take the compliment. Matt and I closed the store successfully and headed our separate ways.
I got home and my body was ready to give out. My mom wanted to use my laptop. Her laptop died maybe a week or so ago, and she's been insisting on using mine whenever she needs to do something. I give it to her, but I don't like her using it. I have personal stuff on my laptop, and I don't want her finding stuff that isn't meant for her. The other day she saw in my history that I had been looking at Columbia, and she pretty much mocked me. I'll admit it, I look at porn. I really don't want her finding the porn I watch. I also have pictures of me on the laptop that aren't exactly PG. In general, I just don't like people touching my stuff and going through my things. I told her she should order a new laptop for herself and she got pissy. She said it wasn't exactly at the top of her list of things to do. It takes like 10mins. She could have used the time she and I argued to buy a laptop for herself. I told her I bought the laptop with my own money. I did. I waited until a month before college to get a laptop because she didn't want me having one. Because I wasn't allowed to have one, I had to use my mom's for school work, emails, and Facebook. She said that since she let me use her laptop, I should let her use mine. Bullshit. Buy your own. I informed her that my laptop has had a password since the day I got it, and no one but me knows it. My mom said she'll turn off the internet if I don't let her use my laptop. I'm going to need this laptop for school in less than a week. I'll be gone from 7:30am-7:30pm when school starts, so good luck using my laptop without a password, bitch.

Laid

*This post is purely about sex, so nothing informational here. Maybe I'll post something more productive later. Read on if you're curious about my sex life*

As you can assume from the title, I got laid. Bambi came over today around noon. He only left maybe 15mins ago. I made him toast when he came and we just talked and hung out watching the news. They found that missing Autistic kid, Avonte, in a river somewhere near College Point. Very sad and tragic. But we talked and he gave me a bottle of lube. Today was anal day. Whoohoo. He went upstairs and did our thang. We tried doggie style (as suggested by me), and it was the best sex yet. We were both exhausted and took a break. We had toast again, but this time with mango jalapeño spread. It was delicious (I'm actually having some more right now). We went upstairs and tried anal. He told me to relax and I tried. It just feels so…unnatural? We kept trying, but he stopped and said to take my time. I feel bad. I can't even please him sexually and give him what he wants. He said it was ok and we continued to fool around. I got on top and teased him to no end. He hated it, but loved it. My dominant side definitely made an appearance today. He tried once more to do anal, but to no avail. He had to leave before my parents got home, so he got together. He had been drinking a bit so he was tipsy. He took his sweet time getting dressed and leaving. It was fun, but I'm very sore. I haven't had sex in months. I forgot how great it feels with that slight twinge of pleasurable pain. I can almost feel my endorphins still flowing. It's great. Although I'm terribly hungry. I'm going to go make some more mango jalapeño toast. Now I understand why the guys are always hungry after sex. You need to replenish energy. Interesting.

Going for Broke

I usually don't blog multiple times in a day, but I feel like I need to let some emotion out. I checked my official college email and found a couple messages from my soon-to-be health teacher. She reminded us about the book we needed (which I have), and told us to sign up for a conference. I followed the link she gave, but it didn't load properly. I'll try again tomorrow and see if it works then. The conference is being held at Columbia University I think. I've only been to the campus once before when I was young. I walked through it with my dad and said I wanted to go there. As I got older, I realized it was out of my league. I didn't have the grades, nor finances to go. I started poking around the webpage and going through pictures of the campus. I saw their dorms and student living. Everyone looked so happy, and the dorms looked cool. I went to my own college's homepage and looked through our gallery of pictures. The dorms are also nice. Our own elaborate gym (with free yoga instruction every other day), private pool, big cafeteria and common area, and a great location in general. It is only 2 stops from Manhattan with a fabulous view of the city. At night, the buildings all light up and glow from across the water. I want to be able to go outside and see that whenever I wanted. I don't want to worry about rushing home and taking long trips on public transportation. I don't want to be controlled or restricted at home. I want to dorm. I want to meet people and hang out and have fun. I want to be adventurous and spontaneous. I want to have crazy outings with my roommate and make lifelong memories in the dead of night. I have that feeling inside of me like I want to do something new and fun. I want to get out there and kick New York's ass. I need to spread my wings and be me. However, coming back from that fantasy, I can't afford it. It's $12,000-15,000 per year for housing. If I keep my scholarship and work hard, I can get out of college debt free due to a college fund my parents set up. I want to dorm for at least one year. Where am I going to magically come up with $12,000? I work on the weekends, but I make bare minimum wage. Even picking up an extra day or two won't do much good. My mom said that I should fill out my military paperwork if I'm interested in the Air Force. She said they would cover my college expenses and ensure I am debt free by way of college education. I really should start the paperwork. But I'm somewhat getting cold feet. What if I sign myself up for something I can't handle? I just keep thinking of how I've always failed at things I've tried. I'll look like an ass if I fail. I guess I'll never know until I try, right? And if I do end up having college covered by the military, I want to leave whatever is in the college fund to my brother. I don't want him having the same monetary limitations I'm having. I'm not going to the military just for monetary assistance, but I genuinely want to join. However, I don't know if I'm ready to be filling out paperwork and making this real. I'm only 18. Life is moving too fast. If you think about it, my life is 1/5 over (assuming I live until 90). I'm just getting more depressed thinking about how much is happening so quickly. I'll be 20 in two years. My brother will be a teenager then too. And my mom will be turning 50. Everything needs to stop moving.
I'm sitting at our kitchen bar typing out my feeling as quickly and furiously as possible. I have so much emotion built up inside of me. I need therapy. I need someone to talk to.

Acid

I finished Angel Beats! and wanted to cry. The ending was very moving and emotional. That's what I did with my "morning" (being at noon). Once I was done, I bummed around online a little, then went downstairs to make breakfast. I used a toaster and made myself cinnamon toast. I've never owned a toasted in my 18yrs of living, so the concept of using a toaster is still new to me. My mom showed me how to make cinnamon toast the other day and I've been eating it almost nonstop since then. I like my toast dark. I add the butter, a lot of cinnamon sugar, and then eat my masterpiece. In the middle of eating, my mom came home. I didn't know she would be home before 2. We chatted and then watched some tv together. We completed the first season of Breaking Bad. I must say, I am completely hooked. It's intense, serious, funny, and actually educational. Now I know how to dispose of a body using Hydrochloric acid. ALWAYS PUT THE ACID AND BODY INTO A PLASTIC CONTAINER TO DECOMPOSE. Maybe that information will come in handy some day.
Today it started to hit me. I'm going back to school soon. I start up again on Tuesday. I got my health book in the mail today. I'm worried. What if I fail, or do poorly this semester? I want to keep doing well. I got a letter saying I am on the Dean's List for the 2013 Fall Semester. It made me happy, but what if I don't do as well this semester? I've set a standard for myself, and now I have to keep it. Hopefully I can manage it.

Better Air

Today I slept in till 11:30 then watched anime. I'm currently on Angel Beats!. It kinda sucked at first, but it started to finally pick up. I quickly got dressed and rushed out to see Mr. Caster. I listened to The Script and this small band called Pilot for a Day (PFAD). I highly recommend PFAD if you're interested in exploring upcoming artists. Anyway, I got to Mr. Caster's house and we watched Robin Hood. It was a pretty action-y movie, and not bad for the time period. After the movie, we talked for about an hour. Today marks exactly one year since his wife had died. They were married for 64yrs and got engaged only after a year of dating. He was so in love with her. The way he talked about her, and how he reminisced was so sweet.
Eventually, I headed home on the bus. OneRepublic started playing on my iPod. What song was it? Feel Again. Thoughts of Leo started the flood my brain. I remembered how we used to be, and all of our memories. It made me kind of sad. I listened to the song a couple times on repeat and just meditated on it. Then another song came on. It was a song by PFAD (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJq-dDRlj_s). It made me think some more about the future. I don't want to be alone. I want to do what I want to do with someone behind me to back me up. I want to be like Mr. Caster and find that special person to love and adventure with until the day I die. He said the only thing he disliked about his wife is that she died before him and left him alone. I want to feel fulfilled when I die. I want to do something spontaneous and feel alive. No regrets.

Live fast, die young
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uYs0gJD-LE

Held Back

Today was my lazy day. I slept till 11, made myself some toast with cinnamon sugar, and chilled. My mom was home so we hung out and watched our reality shows, per usual. As the day progressed, my shoulder started to hurt more. It won't stop getting this weird pain whenever I move it. I can't even bend it in certain directions. I had to bring up a bottle of chocolate syrup from the basement to make myself a chocolate milk, but I can't even carry the small bottle with my left arm. I'm weak. Tomorrow I'm going to try some basic weight training exercises. My brother has weights in his room that I'm going to use. Even anti-inflammatory painkillers aren't helping much. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up and not be able to move my neck again. I don't know what to do. I just took a shower and cried. I thought of how weak I am, and how I'll never amount to anything if this keeps happening. I want to join the AF. I want to become a cop. I can't do either of those if these neck/shoulder issues constantly act up. I don't know what I'll do if I get rejected by the AF or PD. That's what I want for my life. Why can't I just do it? It seems I'm never truly in charge of my life. This time it's my body holding me back. I'm going to fix this.  I don't know how, but I'm going to repair and strengthen myself. I have a strong will. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Aches and Pains

Now to blog about my day. I worked a 6-11, so it was nothing special. Working solo went quicker than I thought, and it wasn't very busy. I waited and waited till Kevin got there. I finally had someone to talk to besides the little commentary from the bakers. Kevin seemed to be ill, but he still worked hard as ever. I really got to hand it to him, he's a dedicated guy and a very hard worker. Soon, it was my time to leave. I took the bus home and missed my stop. It was good exercise I guess. I got home and blogged about that dream before I forgot it even more. I browsed Facebook and talked to Bambi for a bit. I decided to be a little productive and pick up the dog poop in the backyard. There must have been at least 10lbs (I'm not kidding). I came inside, washed up, and made a bagel. I relaxed and watched Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. I was on Facebook and watching tv and texting all at once. I put on the movie Identity Thief and watched that till my mom and brother got home. I hung out with them, ate dinner, then finished my movie and round of reality tv shows. Now I'm about to watch a couple episodes of anime before I pass out. I can sleep in tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a lazy day with nothing to do.
As a side note, my left shoulder has been killing me since I got home. From my shoulder to my elbow hurts, almost like I have a giant bruise on my whole arm. Every time I twist my arm or move it a certain way, it cracks and pops. It's very weird. I also can't handle much weight on that arm. Hopefully it feels better soon. I don't want this shoulder to become weak like the rest of my body.

Tales of Times Past: Adrick/Jennifer

I wish I could have blogged this when I first woke up. I had a strange dream last night. It was vivid and felt so real. It was about Jennifer (I will give you a backstory of who she is after this tale). The dream began where I was at home. Someone rang the bell and it was Jennifer. I was confused, but greeted her. She said I looked cuter in person than in photos. We continued talking and I think she stayed at my house for a couple days. We grew to know each other and developed a friendship. I don't remember much detail, but I remember we got along well. My alarm went off and I was confused. I looked around for Jennifer, but couldn't find her. I remembered who I was, and realized it was a dream. I got ready for work (still dazed and confused from the dream), and began my day.

*Now for the backstory. This is going to take some time, so I'll type it all out here then do a recap at the end.*

Jennifer is the sister of an ex of mine. The ex's name is Adrick. Adrick and I met online in a chat room. I just used them to occupy myself, and I happened to find someone who was actually interesting. We talked for a couple hours on the anonymous chat site, then decided to exchange our Facebook info. Before we knew it, we were talking more and more. We were talking 24/7, and I began to like him a little more than I should. There was only one problem. Adrick lived in Ohio. I live in New York. When I met Adrick online, I was going out with a guy named Zack. Zack was abusive and didn't really care about me. After I wouldn't let him in my pants, he dumped me. Adrick was there by my side comforting me and telling me it would be ok. I told Adrick everything. My problems, my secrets, and anything that was on my mind. Eventually, I asked him out. I acting upon a crazy impulse and decided to do it. We got together, and were extremely happy together. Adrick had his own problems though. His older sister, Jennifer, was a severe anorexic who was in and out of the hospital. She is due to marry her fiancé soon, whom Adrick didn't like. Jennifer was actually on the show Say Yes to the Dress a few months ago. I've had a dream about her before, but that too was confusing. I'm unsure of what this one means either. She's pretty, but a bit mean at times. Maybe I think we're similar? Anyway, Adrick's parents were divorced. His step-mother was a bitch. He lived with his biological mom, who didn't have much money to spare, and his younger sister who was a bit of a brat as I recall. Adrick was very smart, and his grades were amazing. He has a high IQ and could do almost anything he wanted. He was going to Ohio University, but his grades plummeted due to depression and he was kicked out. I was helping him get back on his feet and continue on. We helped each other out, but our relationship ended badly. While in a relationship with Adrick, I started hanging out with Bambi. I fell for Bambi and chose to break it off with Adrick. I felt horrible about it, and he was devastated. He was filled with rage and hatred for me. He became suicidal and would send me pictures of him cutting. He even carved my name into his thigh. The last text message I got from him said he was going to jump in front of a truck. After that, I got no messages or replies. I didn't know whether he was still alive or not. It was maybe a year or so ago that I went to his FB page (after being blocked from it), and saw him being tagged in a status or a photo. I know he's alive, and that comforts me. But is he well? I often wonder how he's doing. Some days I just want to message him and see how he is. But I know I can't. It's the same with Leo. I want to fix what I did, but I can't. It sucks. We all make choices, and have to live with the consequences. The baggage of making someone harm themselves will always stay with me.

*RECAP*

• Adrick is my ex
• Jennifer is Adrick's older sister
• I've never met either one of them
• This isn't my first dream about Jennifer

Just Another Weekend

I've been busy with work. Saturday I worked with Bob for a bit, then closed with Kevin. Bob gave me a hug and a kiss before he left as a late birthday present. It was kinda funny, and cute. Kevin and I closed solo with Albert. Matt stopped by to get some bagels, and I was up on a ladder. As Matt walked by, he said he was tempted to smack my ass (it was about eye-level with him). We continued some small banter, then he departed. We kept working, and finished closing on time. Kevin was nice enough to drive me home. I really like Kevin. He offered me a ride without even my asking. I thought that was nice. Then we talked a bit on the way to my house and blasted some Eminem. My dad seemed protective over the fact that a guy was driving me home, but he got over it I think.
Today I worked an early shift with Bob and Ray. It went pretty quickly, and wasn't too hard. Joe, Kevin, and Matt came later and we worked till I left at 1. I wish I could work with them all together more. I got home exhausted and my mom insisted I dust. I did, and she vacuumed. She took a while and even missed a few spots. I guess that's why she wants me to do it. I'm more efficient. We watched a movie (Mothman), and then went out to eat for my brother's birthday. He and I are exactly 7yrs and 7 days apart. He turned 11 today. We ate and talked and laughed as a family. We opened gifts when we got home. I got a Led Zeppelin CD, 2 tickets to any Broadway show I wanted, and some other smaller things. I liked it. Now I'm in bed. I should get some rest. I have work 6-11 tomorrow. Kevin doesn't come in till 10, so I'm working solo till then.

As a sort of side comment, I've been thinking more and more about Leo. I want to reach out to him. I don't know why, but I do. I don't hate him, only dislike what he's done to Bambi and I's relationship. With him in my life, it's nothing but stress all the time. I've enjoyed the stress-free feeling, but now I miss him. I've mentioned this before, but even if we were to start speaking again, we would never be the same. I ended things on bad terms, and things can't be fixed. I'll see where the future leads, but right now, he still crosses my mind. Leo, if you're reading this, I still care about you. I care about what we had. I told you that I had a tendency of lashing out. What I did was right, how I did it was wrong. All good things come to an end. I only hope you can understand.

Dates and Bananas

Yesterday was my date with Bambi. When I woke up, my mom and brother were still home. Apparently my mom's car broke down so they couldn't leave. My mom wanted me to stay home and watch my brother while she went to work (using a rental car). I told her I couldn't, and left. I was running a bit late, but met up with Bambi. We ate and then began shopping. I found no earrings (which was slightly disappointing), but I went 50/50 on a gift for Antonio. Bambi had met a girl at a skateboard shop in the mall while he waited for me (she's an employee). Initially I was jealous, but I got over it. He seemed to like her and told me their conversation in detail. We went back to the skateboard shop and he said hello to her and introduced us. She seemed nice enough, but as we walked around the store, Bambi and her kept commenting on different things and smiling at each other. They were flirting. It got me kinda upset, but I didn't let him know. She's just an acquaintance that he'll probably never see again. There's no point in making a big deal out of it. We kept wandering and browsing stores. Eventually I had to go home. That girl lingered in the back of my mind. If we go back to the shop and she's there, I really don't want them talking and  stuff like they did yesterday. It was weird and made me feel kinda uncomfortable.
Today was really nothing special. I woke up and went to the phone store to see about upgrading my phone. I'm not due till August, and my phone is crap right now. I guess I just have to deal with it until then. My mom and I watched tv then a movie. It was a lazy day I suppose. Once everyone went to bed a couple hours ago, I got kind of horny. It isn't often I get that horny, and I certainly don't touch myself as much as normal people do. But I decided to experiment. I put a condom on a banana and created a ghetto dildo. It worked pretty effectively. Sex till hurts a bit which is weird, but I guess it's better to have a tight vagina than a loose one. I just laid back on my bed and went for it. It felt good, almost like if it were Bambi. I tried to do at least a little anal to prep for when he does it. I got a finger in (which is actually progress). Anyway, enough about my sexuality. I'm not too fond of talking about masturbation. Sex I'm fine with, but for some reason masturbation seems to always be weird. Maybe I'll discuss some of my sexual-ness tomorrow. Goodnight, and wet dreams.

Winter

Yesterday, I worked my early shift. It was bitter cold with a windchill of -15F. I wanted to die. My boiler gave out in the night, so my house was FREEZING when I woke up. I was exhausted and didn't sleep well that night. I arrived at work and Matt noticed my exhaustion. He and I worked together nicely and enjoyed some banter back and forth. There were too many customers, but most were just getting cups of hot coffee to survive the cold outside. Matt found out I was bi-curious and we compared our preferences (I love red-heads by the way). The shift went quick and I left at 11. I came home, watched tv, and then passed out for 4hrs. I stayed up somewhat late and played CoD with Bambi. I went to sleep and once again the boiler decided to fail. As I went to sleep at 3am, my house was like an igloo. I curled up into a tight ball, cuddled my stuffed animals, and covered myself with 3 blankets. I eventually went to sleep and woke up around 11:30. I watched some anime, then got dressed. I visited Mr. Caster and we watched a movie called King's Row with Ronald Reagan. I love Reagan. He held my exact political views, and was actually a great actor. Viva la Reagan Revolution. I traveled home in the cold, drank numerous cups of tea to keep warm, and relaxed.
Bambi was supposed to come over tomorrow. We were going to hang out and get busy. We haven't really done much since I got hurt back in August. I miss being intimate with him, and he misses it too. Everything seemed fine, but then I found out my mom wasn't leaving the house until 1pm. This is kinda late and doesn't leave much time to do anything. So Bambi and I decided to just go on a date to the mall. We're gonna eat at Applebee's and shop. Antonio's birthday is on Monday and I have yet to get him anything. So I'm going to see what I can find at the mall. Plus I want some more earrings for my cartilage piercing. Tomorrow is going to (hopefully) be a fun and productive day.

Birthday Girl

January 5th marked a very important occasion. It was my 18th birthday. I was fairly uneventful for such a big milestone. I worked 7-1, then Bambi met me for a light lunch. We headed back to my house and hung out together (and eventually my brother found his way into the group). We hung out for a few hours then went to my favorite diner, The Omega. I ordered Strawberry Blintzes for dinner and had a heavy chocolate mousse dessert with Bambi. We headed home and Bambi and I watched some YouTube videos together. Eventually, we drove him home and I returned to my house exhausted. I just wanted to sleep forever. I decided to stay up and talk to Bambi and watch tv. Then I messaged my cousin Billy. I wanted to finally start setting up that party for my birthday. He asked if I wanted anything specific. I left it all up to him. Now I'm just waiting to hear back about when/where the party is gonna be. The only problem is convincing my parents to somehow let me disappear for a night. I'll figure it out hopefully.
Today I did nothing. I woke up, went back to sleep, woke up, went back to sleep, woke up, then watched some anime. I've been in my pjs all day, and I didn't accomplish much. I kinda like lazy days. I had the house to myself and enjoyed the peace. No arguing or loud footsteps or nagging. I took a long, hot shower and listened to OneRepublic. It was relaxing. I needed today off. I probably should have cleaned my room. It's a bit of a mess.
Tomorrow I'm working 6-11 with Matt. I worked with him on Sunday and it was fun. He and I are working solo tomorrow for 4hrs. I hope we make a good team. I'm not really dreading work, but looking forward to it.

Vroom

I accomplished one of my long time goals. I got my driving permit yesterday. I spent a little over 2hrs in the DMV, but got 19/20 questions correct and earned myself a permit. I was thrilled. I've wanted to learn how to drive for years. I always thought it would be so much fun, and it would bring more freedom. I didn't drive the day I got it because there was a bad snow storm blowing through. But today, I drove. My mom took me to a parking lot after it got dark. She told me how to move the wheel and shift into park and drive. Then she told me to do a loop around the lot. I took it slow, but I did it. I was so thrilled to drive. My mom made me repeat the loop numerous times and tried to get me to feel comfortable behind the wheel. My mom drives a larger vehicle (a GMC Terrain), so I felt small behind the wheel. But I finally was able to drive. Once the weather gets back to normal (in a couple days), my driving lessons will commence. My parents will teach me the basics and how to drive decently. Then when Spring arrives, I'm signing up for an official Driver's Ed class. I'm so excited. I wanted to message everyone I knew about how I got my permit. I thought of Leo and how happy he would be for me. I quickly left that thought behind. I never asked Kevin his opinion on my situation. I got shy. Maybe I'll muster up the courage to ask him soon. In the mean time, let me focus on driving. Vroom vroom.

(Happy?) New Year's

It's New Years. It's officially 2014. I told myself I would make the decision about Leo here and now. I decided to do it. I pasted the message into his Facebook chat. I couldn't hit send. My heart was racing and I kept thinking about the outcomes. I don't want this message to open communication between us. I don't want to send the wrong message. This is about Adri and nothing else. I also know that if I send this message and get caught, I'll be in deep shit with Bambi. He, and everyone else, wants me to stay away from him. I get it. It isn't a good idea. But I keep thinking about what we used to be. Leo and I used to talk every day and share our opinions and experiences. I told him numerous times before that I don't like who I am. I can be cold and cut off emotion sometimes. I eventually did that to him. Now he sees how horrible of a person I can be. I hate myself for doing it, but I know why I had to do it. I had a purpose and a reason. No matter how much I try to convince myself I was right, part of me still doesn't believe it. I'm going to hold off on the message for now. I'll keep thinking about it, and maybe ask Kevin for his opinion on it tomorrow at work. This past year has been such a crazy up and down for me. 2014, please be nicer to me. Please.