Going for Broke

I usually don't blog multiple times in a day, but I feel like I need to let some emotion out. I checked my official college email and found a couple messages from my soon-to-be health teacher. She reminded us about the book we needed (which I have), and told us to sign up for a conference. I followed the link she gave, but it didn't load properly. I'll try again tomorrow and see if it works then. The conference is being held at Columbia University I think. I've only been to the campus once before when I was young. I walked through it with my dad and said I wanted to go there. As I got older, I realized it was out of my league. I didn't have the grades, nor finances to go. I started poking around the webpage and going through pictures of the campus. I saw their dorms and student living. Everyone looked so happy, and the dorms looked cool. I went to my own college's homepage and looked through our gallery of pictures. The dorms are also nice. Our own elaborate gym (with free yoga instruction every other day), private pool, big cafeteria and common area, and a great location in general. It is only 2 stops from Manhattan with a fabulous view of the city. At night, the buildings all light up and glow from across the water. I want to be able to go outside and see that whenever I wanted. I don't want to worry about rushing home and taking long trips on public transportation. I don't want to be controlled or restricted at home. I want to dorm. I want to meet people and hang out and have fun. I want to be adventurous and spontaneous. I want to have crazy outings with my roommate and make lifelong memories in the dead of night. I have that feeling inside of me like I want to do something new and fun. I want to get out there and kick New York's ass. I need to spread my wings and be me. However, coming back from that fantasy, I can't afford it. It's $12,000-15,000 per year for housing. If I keep my scholarship and work hard, I can get out of college debt free due to a college fund my parents set up. I want to dorm for at least one year. Where am I going to magically come up with $12,000? I work on the weekends, but I make bare minimum wage. Even picking up an extra day or two won't do much good. My mom said that I should fill out my military paperwork if I'm interested in the Air Force. She said they would cover my college expenses and ensure I am debt free by way of college education. I really should start the paperwork. But I'm somewhat getting cold feet. What if I sign myself up for something I can't handle? I just keep thinking of how I've always failed at things I've tried. I'll look like an ass if I fail. I guess I'll never know until I try, right? And if I do end up having college covered by the military, I want to leave whatever is in the college fund to my brother. I don't want him having the same monetary limitations I'm having. I'm not going to the military just for monetary assistance, but I genuinely want to join. However, I don't know if I'm ready to be filling out paperwork and making this real. I'm only 18. Life is moving too fast. If you think about it, my life is 1/5 over (assuming I live until 90). I'm just getting more depressed thinking about how much is happening so quickly. I'll be 20 in two years. My brother will be a teenager then too. And my mom will be turning 50. Everything needs to stop moving.
I'm sitting at our kitchen bar typing out my feeling as quickly and furiously as possible. I have so much emotion built up inside of me. I need therapy. I need someone to talk to.