Strangely Human

Today started off on a shakey note. I learned that JP was going to be hanging out with a female friend after work. It really annoyed me. We bickered, and I gave up trying to invite him over. I barely got my text out when the bell rang. I knew instantly who it was. JP hugged me and followed me to my room. We talked about the fight my mom and I had last night, and I felt a bit better. Just sitting next to him on my bed eases my nerves. We started getting frisky, and before long, we were intertwined and making love. I love how he feels inside me. We went from soft and gentle, to fast and rough. It was exactly what I described as my fantasy only a few days ago. As I cleaned myself up, he laid on my bed and told me how much I wear him out. It makes me feel so happy that I can satisfy him. We got redressed and he made me eat some food before he left. It really makes me smile knowing he cares. Before he left for work, he told me he wasn't going to see his female friend after work because it made me uncomfortable, and he respects that. Again, it made me feel amazing. I feel so lucky to have him by my side. We aren't back to being 100% on track, but we're certainly getting there. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he got intimate with his wife while we were fighting a few days ago. I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to know. I'm focusing on he and I for now, as well as a possible new addition.
After much prompting from JP, I tried to be more open with my mom. I asked her if she loved me, and she came back without a second though assuring me she loves me more than anything on this planet. It made me feel comforted to hear her say that. As I got into detail of how I felt and why, I found myself on the verge of tears. I couldn't cry. I managed to get my point across, and we ended on a somewhat good note. I've never really seen my mom be so human before. She's usually so cold and guarded. She doesn't let me in, or anyone else it seems. Even just after that short 15min conversation, I feel a bit closer to her. I don't really know why or how to explain it, but I do. It isn't significant, but if this kind of talking happens more often, I think our relationship will improve. Once again, I have JP to thank for yet another improvement of my life. What more could a girl ask for?

Hit It

Kevin picked me up around 1 today. We got in the car, and went to go buy his weed. We sat in the car waiting for his dealer to do the exchange. Kevin and I talked and laughed and joked around. I found out why he didn't come into work. Apparently his brother was on suicide watch and then disappeared. His family was in a panic searching for him, and so Kevin didn't have work as first priority. I understood his position, and he is supposedly on good terms with our boss. Kevin may be called in sometimes to fill in when needed, but nothing permanent. Our manager is more pissed off than our big boss over this. Anyway, he didn't want to talk about work, so we avoided the topic. We instead spoke of movies, music, food, and smoking. His dealer eventually came by, and we got what we needed. After the exchange, Kevin wanted to pick up some drinks for when we smoke (he said I would be thirty). I ran into the shoppe, and he bought a couple cigars to make the joint. JP was working, and I surprised him from behind. We hugged and laughed a lot and I told him I was smoking for the first time with Kevin. He didn't seem to take it as a big deal until I left. He texted me telling me to be careful, and seemed worried. JP said that Kevin told him he just wanted to "hit it" (meaning me) and nothing more. I won't lie, that kinda hurt. I told JP we were just hanging out as friends, and I didn't really like Kevin like that anymore. This was happening for a little while before I smoked. Kevin told me to search for a movie to watch while he rolled us a couple of blunts. I texted JP while he worked on the blunts. We decided to watch a bootleg copy of American Hustle. Kevin was patient and taught me how to smoke. I inhaled way too much the first time, and so I was coughing a lot. Kevin laughed and then said to go smaller. I did, and I began to feel it. Then he decided to help me shotgun. He cupped his hands, exhaled into them, then I put my mouth up to his hands and inhaled. My legs felt weird. They were attached to my body, but not. I was happy and relaxed and enjoying laying there with Kevin. The movie was kind of boring, so we changed it to Now You See Me. We were talking a bit and laughing. He had a double bed, so it was tight fitting us both. We laid close, but didn't touch sexually. Our legs and arms touched, and I heard his breathing. I kind of wanted to kiss him, and I had the opportunity many times. My mind kept going back to what JP said about him just wanting to "hit it". I didn't act on my impulses, but it seems as if JP doesn't want anything to do with me after this. He said I'm playing a game by talking to him and hanging out with Kevin. I tried to explain myself, but he said to stop texting him. I'm not going to see him or speak to him again until I work the closing shift on Saturday. I'll see if maybe I can hang out after work for a bit and talk to him about this. I like JP, a lot. But Kevin is also my friend who I like to hang out with. I think Kevin is attractive, but after hearing he just wants to "hit it", I'm not getting involved with him in a romantic way. I only hope JP and I can work this out.

Joy, Pain, Love

The concert was everything I imagined. The music was great, the atmosphere was perfect, and the weather was perfect. However, Bambi wasn't as thrilled. Ever since I got the tickets for the concert, he insisted on coming with me. He wasn't particularly interested in the music, but instead just hanging out with me. Kyle was also interested in going and was legitimately interested in the music, but I decided to pick Bambi just to avoid conflict. The opening band was American Authors. Their music is very upbeat and is more pop-ish than Bambi is into. Through their entire act, he sat there looking miserable and depressed. After their set was done, there was a small intermission before The Script was coming on. I asked him what he thought of the music so far, and he began to pick apart their sound system and say how crappy it was. I'm sure Bambi knows much better than professional audio engineers, right? Yea..So I told Bambi that they know best, and he continued to be very pessimistic. His attitude in general just brought my hype down. The first half of The Script performance wasn't enjoyable. I was just annoyed and put off by the fact that Bambi was being such a dick. He didn't seem to appreciate the fact I chose to bring him over someone who would have genuinely enjoyed the music. Through the whole rest of The Script, he tried cheering me up. I ignored him and let the music speak to me. I sang along and clapped and had fun. My mood was restored, and I put Bambi's actions behind me. When OneRepublic came out, I almost died. They're just so perfect. I knew every song, every beat, every word. By the end, I was feeling ridiculously happy and carefree. My mom picked us up at the end of the concert and we headed home. I passed out as soon as I got home. I had been up early for a 6-1 shift, so at that point I had been active for around 20 straight hours.
I woke up the next morning to a couple missed calls. They were from my manager. Ugh. I was supposed to be working a 11-4 shift, but I thought for sure he was calling to see if I could come in early. I ignored his calls and slept for another half hour. When I checked my phone again, I saw a text from him. He said he was giving me the day off. He knew I had a concert the night prior and I had asked to have the day off if possible. My manager said I still had to work, but he gave me a late shift (I didn't mind). I thanked him profusely for the day off. I had a horrible headache from the loud music, and was still exhausted. I ended up stopping by the shoppe anyway right before closing. I wanted to pick up some bagels, and see JP. He said he was looking forward to seeing me, but was upset when I didn't come into work. So I showed up and hung out for a bit. We ended up talking and hugging. He commented multiple times on how cute I looked. Before I left, he gave me a few cookies he had just baked (still warm) and gave me a big hug. He lifted me off the ground and spun me, then kissed my head. JP later texted me saying how me coming to visit really made his day. I really like JP, and I think I may actually be catching feelings for him.
Today was an interesting day. I spent the first half of it talking Bambi out of cutting and/or killing himself. He hadn't had a meltdown like that in a long time. He said he was pissed off and angry because I apparently treat him like shit and never admit when I'm wrong. He brought up the concert as a main focal point. Bambi insisted I was angry at him for no reason, and for simply having an opinion contradictory to my own about the music. I don't see it as such, but he thought I was being childish and stubborn. So he left school and made a pony show out of him heading home to harm himself. I spent hours trying to calm him down. I was volunteering with Mr. Caster today, but I was too busy talking to Bambi to actually pay much attention to the movie. I love watching the movies, and always put my phone on airplane mode to eliminate distraction. I was afraid if I did that today, Bambi wouldn't be there when I got back. I was able to talk him down, and watch the last half hour or so of the movie uninterrupted. I spent today also talking with JP. He suggested maybe slowing our relationship down a bit. He seems to be the one who initiates most flirting and physical interaction, but I let it be. JP seems to be very hard on himself saying that he always falls for girls that aren't right for him. He thinks I'm worth much more than what he can give right now. Putting that aside, I still love talking to him, and enjoy his company at work. I definitely like JP, there's no two ways about it. He likes me too. He said he's an impulsive person, and sometimes acts on feelings without thinking. I had a tendency to do that with Leo. I can't let that happen again. I won't let this get out of control.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Kevin. I just have to know what's going on with him. Why did he skip work with no notice? Is he going to get his job back? Can he and I still have a friendship without working together? All these questions can hopefully be answered in tomorrow's blog. Our plans for tomorrow are chill. He's going to teach me how to smoke (I'm going to smoke some pot for the *kinda* first time), then we're gonna just hang out and talk and watch movies at his place. It's weird not having him at work, and I've only spent 2 days working without him. I'm going to try and see if I can convince him to maybe come back. I need him there with me. He's my twinnie.

Bubbie

I didn't get much sleep last night. I came to work half asleep. I saw JP and we high fived. He and I made some minor passing comments, but later in the day it evolved. I went to the back where JP was working to get something. He stopped me, and pulled me close. He started to slow dance with me to a song on the radio. We both giggled, and I broke free to accomplish my task. I tried to go back there as often as possible to see him. At one point, he snuck up behind me and gave me a quick massage then tickled me. Out of no where, Kevin showed up. I only saw him for a couple minutes, but he was busy talking to our manager. Kevin looked pissed, then left out the back door. He was fired. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He is my Bubbie, and my only grip on sanity at work. I was devastated, but kept it together. I went to the back to do dishes. JP and I talked about Kevin. Then the conversation shifted. JP said he wanted to maybe be more than friends. We both laughed it off and continued to flirt. As I was returning to the front, he hugged me and held me close. I blushed and smiled, and he said he was looking for a kiss. A giggled and said no way. We both laughed and kept working. As I was leaving work, he was sitting out back smoking. I told him that he and I are closing together tomorrow. He smiled and we hugged goodbye. It was a tight hug and he nestled into my neck. He then kissed my neck a few times. It made me smile and feel so good. My hand happened to graze his crotch, and I felt a little bulge. I blushed and said I had to run home, then left.
Tonight I have a concert with Bambi. We're seeing OneRepublic and the Script. I'm so excited. Tonight I have a concert with one of my favorite bands, then tomorrow I get to hang out with JP and talk more. The next 24hrs are going to be amazing.

Hesitant Hug

I've been busy, so blogging hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. However, the past few days have been interesting to say the least.
On Tuesday, I left for Kyle's house. I stopped by work to pick up some bagels for the crew. JP was working, so I gave him a little hug, got my bagels, and left to catch my bus. JP texted me and was sort of put off by the fact I was hesitant in hugging him. I was only hesitant because his apron was dirty, and I wanted to remain clean. He still didn't seem to like the way I acted towards him and pushed me away a little saying that what I was saying and what I was doing were two different things. I really like JP, and I think he's such a cool person. I would never lead him on then treat him like shit. Anyway, I got to Kyle's house and we all gathered. We ate and set the game up. We played for a couple hours then we had to run to the store (I got my period and lacked tampons). While we were there, our friend Rich wanted to buy a beer. He offered to get me a 4loko. Who could refuse an offer like that? So I got my tampons, and Rich got the alcohol. We all went back to playing the game then took a break for food. Rich and I talked and laughed and questioned why we didn't hang out more often. He's such a chill guy and we get along perfectly. Eventually, we got back and ended the game for the night. Now it was time to drink. Rich opened his beer, and I opened my 4loko. I drank a little, then Rich and I went on a beer run. He got two more beers and we headed back. It was only Rich, Liam and I who drank. Liam is Kyle's boyfriend's younger brother who is 15. We sat around drinking while Kyle and his boyfriend played a game on their laptops. Rich, Liam and I all bonded and laughed and had fun. I don't remember much after a certain period. I woke up the next morning next to Rich sleeping on the futon next to me. Nothing happened, we just happened to crash on the same couch. I texted JP and told him I just woke up next to a guy after a night of drinking (I was looking for some feedback on this scenario). I got no response from JP. The trio (especially me) was hungover and still recovering from drinking. We all eventually were awake enough to go get Subway. Rich bought me lunch in exchange for my paying for his beers the previous night. We hung out for a little while longer then I headed home. I still had no response from JP, so I thought he must have still been a little put off but my hesitant hug. I arrived home in time for dinner. I ate, showered, then passed out.
The next day I was working a 6-2 shift. I was exhausted, but the time went fast. My manager said I could leave early at 11. I was so thrilled. I texted JP and asked if he wanted to meet up for lunch. No response. I left work around 12 after helping clean up a little. Why was JP mad at me? I apologized and explained why I was hesitant. Rawr.
The next day was uneventful, then I worked today. I walked in and saw JP in the back. I poked him to see his reaction. He smiled and asked how I was. I jokingly said he would know if he ever texted me back. Apparently, JP accidentally dropped his phone out of a car window while on the highway. Wow. I told him how I thought he was mad at me and he said I was being ridiculous. I was so relieved. I continued on to work, but someone was missing. Where was Kevin? He was supposed to work a 7-4 shift (upon his request) but never showed up. He had called out of work yesterday saying that he had sprained his ankle and couldn't walk. It would be understandable if he couldn't work today, but he insisted on coming in, and then didn't let anyone know he wasn't coming. I love Kevin to death, but this is kinda weird. It's not really like him to just bail on us and not say why. I texted him, but still haven't gotten a response. Ray and I closed up the shoppe along with JP. JP's ex-wife and a couple of his kids came by during work. He had a little one who I believe was named Gia, and one that looked around 11 or so. Gia was so adorable, and JP's face was lit up when he saw her. He carried her behind the counter and gave her a plain bagel. It barely fit in her tiny mouth. JP just stroked her head and talked to her. I've never seen him be like that before. I guess when you have kids, you have a certain soft spot for them. I loved Gia, and hated to watch her leave. I told JP he had adorable kids, and he jokingly said maybe he'd give me some of my own. We closed the shoppe, and I told Ray he could leave. I was gonna hang out with JP for a bit. JP was still working in the back kneading the dough and making the bagel shapes. We just talked about my relationship with Bambi, what happened when I woke up next to Rich, and just life in general. I love how he listens to me and always gives me great advice. He looks into my eyes and is always genuine. We talked for about 45mins, then I had to go. It was so sweet just talking to him face to face without being interrupted by work. Tomorrow I'm doing a 6-1 shift. JP is working, so he'll be there at 6am to greet me with a smile and ask me how I'm doing. Working with JP is something I'm looking forward to now more than ever. Kevin was supposed to work tomorrow, but we'll see what happens. At very least, I'll have JP.

JP

The closing shift with JP and Kevin went alright. JP and I didn't have as much time to talk as we did the previous day, but we exchanged a few words on the Kevin topic. We all closed and locked up. Later that night, I got a text from my boss. He said JP had asked him for my number but he didn't want to give it out. So my boss gave me JP's number and said he wanted to talk to me. I took the number and texted JP. We've been texting ever since. He gave me advice on Kevin, and actually told me that he thought Kevin wasn't a good choice for me (he refused to say why). We eventually ended our Kevin talk, and got into more personal conversation. Over the last couple days, we've gotten to really know each other. JP said he didn't realize how deep of a person I was, and how beautiful I am both inside and out. He seems to really like me. He likes me enough to invite me over to his house for dinner with his family. JP actually feels comfortable enough with me to let me meet his kids. I found out he's also very big into art and music. He's a big guy (I'm guessing around 6 1/2ft or so) so finding out how in tune with art he is was sort of shocking. He told me he wanted to take me to MOMA in the city. JP is such a sweet guy. I can't deny it, my focus is beginning to shift from Kevin to JP. I love texting him, and we never have a dull conversation. He says he feels comfortable talking to me and sharing details about himself. He's always complimenting me and flirting. JP is definitely a charmer.
Tomorrow I'm heading to Kyle's house for the night. We're going to get together and play a new RP game he's making up. It sounds sort of like D&D, but he won't give us many details until we actually start playing. I'm looking forward to this. I need some fun and relaxation with friends. On my way to Kyle's house, I'll be stopping by work to get some bagels for the gang. JP is gonna be there, so I'll make sure to say hi. Now I better get some rest if I want to be energized for tomorrow's nerd session.

Jobbig

The day after Kevin and I hung out, Bambi and I had a date. We went to catch a movie, and it was fairly awkward and silent walking to the theater. We saw 22 Jump Street. It was funny, and Bambi was laughing at almost everything. When the movie ended, we went to a local sushi place. It was cheap and small. Not exactly a romantic dinner, but I'll take it. We ate and discussed some school and work related things. He asked me what I would do if he decided to join the circus and juggle. I would leave him. Juggling and being in the circus gets you no where in life, and you can't provide for a family that way. We got into a bit of an argument over that because he says that it isn't fair that I would leave him if he did that. Bambi doesn't approve of me going into the Air Force, or being a cop, but he said he wouldn't leave me if I decided to do those careers. However, those are extremely different. With each of the career paths, the pay is decent (although NYPD is much more than Air Force), the benefits are great, and you can work your way up the ranks for more money and status. Bambi refused to see the difference and kept being difficult. As we walked to the train station, we saw these 2 guys get into an argument. One of them looked like he was trying to physically intimidate the other man. I kept it moving, but Bambi insisted on staying and trying to help if the guy needed it. I took his hand and dragged Bambi away. This is New York City. That fight isn't ours to fight. Let the two bimbos figure it out, and let's keep going. Bambi said I was being mean and selfish by walking away. I was simply just minding my business. We got to the train station and we parted. We shared and hug and a kiss. For some reason, I don't feel the spark that I used to feel when I kiss him. When I kiss him now, it's just meh. It isn't exciting or sexy or cute. I'm indifferent.
Today I had work. I walked in and found Kevin there. He wasn't on the schedule, so this caught me off guard. Apparently Jena had to leave early, so they called in Kevin to close up shop. That meant Kevin and I were closing with JP. My boss and manager left early, so Kevin and I got cleaning done quick and early. I had some time to talk to JP. He wouldn't answer me about what Kevin said to him. I want to know for sure if Kevin likes me or not. JP urged me to talk to Kevin myself and confront it. I told JP that I do like Kevin, and that we spent a lot of time together on Wednesday. He said it sounded like a date to him. We broke the conversation once Kevin reappeared from downstairs. About an hour or so later, I saw JP and Kevin talking in the back. I couldn't hear what they were saying, which is odd considering JP is usually a loud person. As I glanced back at them, I got a strange look from JP. It was sort of like he was watching to see if I were going to come back to them and see what was up. Whatever they were talking about, they didn't want me hearing. I'm guessing the conversation was about me. Toward the end of our shifts, it got a little laid back. Kevin was in front doing something, and I was in the back with JP. We starting discussing Kevin and what he thought about it. JP thinks I should just go for it. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he said he knows I'm not happy (I've told him about some of the fights Bambi and I have had). JP has 6 kids and an ex wife. He said he still loves her, but he isn't IN love with her. He told me that if I'm happy, there is no point in continuing my relationship with Bambi. We went back and forth and discussed why I should/shouldn't/can/can't leave him. It almost turned into a therapy session. I forgot I was at work until Kevin needed me to do something. JP said we would be continuing our talk another time. I'm closing with JP and Kevin tomorrow as well. I have a feeling the shift will be a little busier than today, but JP and I will continue our conversation. I want to figure this out. This is a very strange situation and I don't know what to do.

Malba

Yesterday, I met up with one of the sorority sisters. For the sorority, a mandatory thing to have is a plain black dress. This sister (we'll call her Shock) said she would take me out and find me a cute dress. We met at the mall and began our journey. $140 and 3hrs later, I had some new things. I got leggings (my first pairs ever), a cute girly top, the black dress, a concealer crayon, my first "big girl" bag for a night out, and a cute wallet (my first official wallet). I deemed the day successful. I learned new things, and got to bond with my sister. After my little shopping spree, I went home. My mom approved of all my purchases, and began to realize that I'm slowly becoming an adult. SLOWLY. My dad thought I looked too grown up in my dress with the bag. Little by little, I'm growing up.
Today was a fun day. I woke up and texted Kevin. He said he would be picking me up around 11-12ish and we were going to hang out. I went back to sleep, and then got up and dressed. Of course, Kevin was 3hrs late. However, this shouldn't surprise me anymore. I got in the car and he told me the AC was broken. It was 90F outside and we were both sweating. We rolled the windows down and played some loud music. After a little bit, we realized we never made any actual plans on what we were going to do. We talked for a bit and tossed some ideas around. Kevin pulled over and called a few friends about a good tattoo place. We found one, checked it out, and he liked it. We talked about tattoo ideas and different styles. He talked to an artist and got his card. It seems as if we found the place to begin the tattoo journey. However, today was not a tattoo day. We got back in the car, and decided to go out to eat. After a little debate, we settled on Applebees. On our way there, Kevin said that in order to stay cool and get out of the heat, we could go back to his house after lunch and watch movies. I mocked him and said it sounded like he was asking me out on a date. Now that I think about it, he didn't actually deny that he was. He just sort of mocked me back and moved on. We enjoyed lunch and he picked up the tab. While deciding what to do next, we went to his house so he could grab something. His mom called, so we picked her up from work and drove her home. Afterwards, we headed to a place called Malba. It's a fancy neighborhood with big houses and rich people. Kevin knew a place with a great view by the water. It had a little rock jetty, easy waves, and a small shoreline. Kevin happened to have chairs in his car, so we set them up and watched as the sun slowly set over the city horizon. We talked and laughed and mocked each other. We spent about an hour or so there just watching the sun go down and having fun. The bugs started to eat him alive, so we packed it up, and headed home. We talked the whole way home and discussed how next time we hung out, we needed plans instead of just winging it. All together, I spent around 7hrs with Kevin today. It's one thing to work together for 7hrs, but it's totally different outside of work. I love getting to know him, and exchanging our woes and worries over blasted rap music. I want to hang out with Kevin again hopefully next week. I might actually take him up on his offer of movies at his place. I assure you nothing is going to happen, I won't let it. I really like Kevin, and I won't let my stupid impulses ruin our friendship. Maybe on our next adventure, he'll teach me how to smoke. We could smoke some weed, go to iHop, then head back for movies all day. I'll pitch it to Kevin and see what he thinks. I'm always open to trying something new.

Giggly

I worked on both Sunday and today (Monday). It was a lot of work, but I guess the paycheck is worth it. Kevin is still taking time off. The schedule that was posted for this week only has him working 2 days. Normally, he works 6 so this was a drastic change. I texted Kevin the schedule and he and I talked about how he needed a little vacation and that the time off was welcomed. I'm glad to see him get time off, but I know working without him is difficult. He really has become an integral part of the shoppe. Today one of the bakers was talking to me. I really like him. We'll call him JP. He's such a sweetie and always helps with anything I need. I was doing dishes and JP and I were talking. He said he thinks Kevin likes me. This made me curious of course, and I asked how he came to that conclusion. He said a few days ago he had asked Kevin what he thought of me. I work in a bagel shoppe where I'm the only girl, so I'm somewhat used to these kinds of conversations. However, the guys usually talk about the customers, not me. Anyway, JP said that when he asked him, Kevin just got sort of giggly and smiled. I'm not sure what that means, but it has to mean something. I told JP that Kevin and I hang out outside of work, and text sometimes. JP likes him and says he's a good guy. It seems like maybe JP is trying to play matchmaker. We'll see how this plays out. I'm working again on Friday and JP will mostly likely be there. I want to ask him whether Kevin actually answered his question or if he just avoided it. I guess it makes sense if Kevin liked me. We constantly tease each other and act like close friends at work (and outside work as well). I want to get to the bottom of this and see what's going on. I don't know what I would do if Kevin liked me. He has his issues, but he's working on getting his shit together. He's attractive, funny, and such a genuine sweetheart. Then again, maybe I'm just over thinking this and he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I suppose only time will tell.

Haze

To cool off from my incident with Bambi, I decided to get together with some friends. Kyle, Megan and I met at Kyle's house yesterday afternoon. I needed to just cut loose and have some fun. We decided to take a shot of Jäger then went out to get soda for mixed drinks. Megan brought Malibu Coconut Rum and Absolut Vodka. I brought 2 bottles of Jäger. We got back to Kyle's house I mixed us some drinks. I did part lemonade, 2 parts vodka, and a pinch of ginger ale. It tasted amazing. Megan and I had 2 glasses of it, and Kyle had one. I got pretty drunk pretty fast. My memory is somewhat hazy, but I recall Megan being pretty drunk as well. We wandered to our friend George's house to continue the party. I showed up wasted, and mixed George a drink. I'm known in our little party circle as a good drink mixer I guess. Bartending is in my blood. Anyway, George was soon drunk. I don't recall details, but I think I fell asleep next to his toilet. Then I remember going outside and eating popcorn while the others were in his jacuzzi. Our other friend Daniel showed up and I don't think he drank. Amidst the drunken craziness, my boyfriend's brother called Kyle's phone. Since I was drunk, I didn't think twice about answering it. He had invited me to dinner with his family as a surprise for Bambi. Great. I had to magically sober up enough to get by his family. I drank water and ate more popcorn. Surprisingly, I made it through dinner ok. However, I got home and vomitted up all my dinner. But was it worth it? Hell yes.
At work today, I had a hangover. I was tired and wasn't in the mood for anything. It got busy fairly early, and then Kevin called in sick. It was insane without him. I also noticed how much I love working with him. I need someone to poke fun at, and someone to have fun with. We had a new guy starting today, so that was fun. He didn't do much, and talked a lot. It was stressful and annoying, but I soon went home. Bambi met me at work and we headed to a church fair my dad was running. We ran a couple kids games and helped moved some rummage sale stuff. It was fun. For a while, I forgot what had happened just days before. During the fair, I texted Kevin and asked if he was ok. He said he was feeling better and offered to take me out. I said I had prior engagements, and he suggested tomorrow. I reminded him it was Fathers Day and that I should probably stay home. Then he suggested Monday. Kevin seems really eager to hang out all of a sudden. I'm curious as to why, but I won't complain. The last couple days have been such a hazy rollercoaster. This is what summer should be.

High and Dry

Yesterday's lunch with Andrea was fun. I missed her, and it was nice catching up. We spent a few hours trying on crazy high heels, cute dresses, and complaining about life. She really is my other half. I really do miss not seeing her every day like in high school. She was always my sidekick and partner in crime. We still see each other, but not nearly enough.
Today was an exciting day. Kevin and I were going to go out to a tattoo shop and get him some new tats. I would get one, but my dad would most certainly flip a shit. Kevin was supposed to be at my house at 1pm. I was dressed and ready to go on time, but he was late. I texted him around 2, with no response. I called at 3:30 with no answer. I called again at 4:15, and again no answer. I texted a final time around 4:30. I basically spent a whole day waiting for someone who stood me up. I have to say, it hurt. I was looking forward to hanging out with him. It's not like this was supposed to be a date, but I do very much enjoy his company. I didn't get a response from Kevin until 7pm. He had apparently woken up early to do errands, and then fallen back asleep when he got home. Ugh. I was (and still am) a little angry with him, but I shrugged it off. I don't want to look like the desperate loser I am who has no friends. He said he would make it up to me next time. We'll see how that goes.
The next fun topic is Bambi. I don't even know how to explain the situation. Out of no where, he sends me these pictures of a wall with holes in it, and then his bloodied fist. Awesome. I ask him why he did it, and he refused to answer. All he said was that he called his boss and she hung up on him. Of course the only reasonable response to this was to punch the wall multiple times. Apparently his parents didn't seem to mind the fact he pulverized a wall. Frankly, it's scary. I've seen him get infuriated before in person, and it's one of the scariest things I've ever seen. It just scares me that he lacks self-control to the point of taking his anger out in destructive ways. I know for certain he could take me if he wanted to, especially when he isn't thinking clearly after drinking a few too many. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship like that. Bambi is like a child who can't control his emotions and outbursts. I think he's still extremely immature and self-centered, and I don't want to be dealing with an emotionally unstable boyfriend. I don't know. I just wish he could be the old Bambi. Back when we first met, he was so sweet and timid. He was goofy and adored me more than anything. He still loves me, but I think in a more codependent way than a romantic way if that makes sense. Bambi needs someone to keep him grounded and to stop him from doing this shit. He hasn't had an episode of rage this bad in at least 6 months or so, so I thought maybe it had passed. I guess not. It's back to being a mommy instead of a girlfriend I suppose.

Return

I've been gone for a little bit. Sometimes breaks are necessary. My life is always crazy, but after my last post, life got a little too crazy. So many things have happened since I lasted posted.
After my last update, my pledge sister Jen dropped out. I was alone during the last half of my pledging. It was hell, but I made it. I became a sister and am the only member of the Spring '14 Kappa Class. I'm proud of my title as the one and only Kappa, but also depressed that Jen didn't finish with me. After cross (the ceremony of becoming a sister), everyone congratulated me. I'm the first one in the sorority's history to cross as a single sister. Since I crossed, they've been the best pseudo-family I could ever ask for.
Then, I met someone. I'm a part of a couple online groups and communities, as well as like a bunch of entertainment pages run by the same group of guys. Within those groups and pages, those guys are like celebrities. One of them told me to message him. Let's call him Jeff. I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He sent me a message and that's where it all started. He asked for my number, and we began speaking all day every day. I began to see him more as a friend than as a leader of the communities. We eventually Skyped and loved it. We were flirting like crazy and I may have flashed him my breasts a couple of times over Skype. We're so open with each other, and I love it. However, he lives in Mississippi, and I live in New York. He's also 10yrs my senior. It's strange, but we like it. In past couple weeks, we haven't spoken as often. He has a few big projects coming up, so I know he's been busy with those.
The next thing is Kevin. Kevin and I have been getting closer and more like friends. Last week we hung out outside of work. He picked me up and we went to a tattoo shop. He wants to touch up his tattoo, and then get a couple new ones. We spent most of the time in traffic, so we spent a lot of time talking. We opened up to each other about exs, family troubles, and problems at work. It was a change of pace to get to know him outside of work. He texted me afterwards and said he had fun hanging out with me and that we should do it again. We're planning on spending all day together tomorrow to get his tattoo(s). I think Kevin is attractive, but I would never make a move on him. I know he isn't interested, and I'm already in a relationship. I see him more as a cool friend than a coworker now.
I've also had some contact with Leo since my last update. There was a musical at my high school and a lot of my friends were in it. I went to see it, and I sort of expected Leo to be there on account of running lights and sound. I was right, he was there. Since Bambi wasn't there, I was able to talk to him a bit and interact. I was worried that there were maybe some hard feelings, and things may be awkward. They weren't. We had a few short exchanges and were in the same circle of conversation among our friends. During intermission, he gave me a free Snickers bar from the concession stand (which he was helping to run). It was a nice gesture. We spoke a little bit after as well, and I saw him with his new girlfriend. She's the daughter of a pastor, and has a twin sister. I personally have trouble telling them apart, but I'm sure he can. Leo looked so happy with his girlfriend. I'm happy for him. I really do want him to succeed in a relationship. I decided to email him that night. I just told him I was proud of him for going into the military and deciding for sure what he was doing. I also wished him luck with his relationship. He emailed me back giving me the best of wishes and saying he hopes to talk to me sometime again. I saw him once more at the high school's music concert. Bambi was with me, so Leo and I only made some eye contact and smiled a few times. It was small, but nice. The next event was supposed to be his graduation. I was going to attend to see them finally cross the stage and open a new chapter in their lives. Since my manager is a dick, he changed my schedule and made it impossible for me to go. I spent the day pissed off and annoyed at him. Kyle sent me pics of he and a couple friends who graduated. I felt bad that I didn't make it to graduation, both for my friends and for Leo. I'm thinking about emailing him again just to tell him I'm proud of him, but I don't want to seem needy or something. I kind of do want to start talking to him again, but I know it wouldn't end well for anyone. I'm still debating an email.
The final and most important thing to happen was with my father. He had a stroke a few days before Easter and ended up in the hospital. We spent Easter in the hospital, but he was released a couple of days after. It was scary seeing him in the hospital. He lost about 5hrs of his memory and doesn't know what happened between him leaving work and him coming home. My mom and I just thought he was late, but he came home disoriented and didn't know basic information. He didn't know my mom's name, the President of the U.S., my and my brother's middle names, or his own birthday. My mom rushed him to the ER and stayed there with him until he was assigned a room and admitted around 1am. Needless to say, the experience was eye-opening. It could have been a lot worse if we didn't catch it early like we did. He only still has some (worsened) memory problems, very mild speech confusion (switching up words like pancakes and cupcakes), and pronunciation issues (saying John like Joan). He's still seeing neurologists about it, and taking new medication to prevent it from happening again. He's also lost some weight since this happened. He's dropped around 40lbs so far. My dad is obese, so it's going to take a little more poundage to bring him to a healthy weight.
Anyway, that's my life so far. It's complicated as always, and I'm trying to just survive. I'm taking it one day at a time, and getting through it. I'll keep on top of posting, I promise. I'm actually supposed to be meeting Andrea at the mall in an hour and I'm not even dressed. I'll always be a hot mess.

Sorority Sickness

Today I relaxed. I spent my day working on my sorority assignments and being sick. I had to organize and budget a philanthropy event as part of an assignment. That alone took me a couple hours. I've been in PJs all day and haven't been productive outside the sorority work. Tomorrow my first 2 classes are canceled so I don't have class till 1:55pm. Both Erik and my mom are sick. Oh, and I'm sick too. Fun. Now I'm watching TV and trying to get my mom anything she needs. I plan on going to bed soon-ish. I'm sick so I need some rest. I still have to memorize my weekly sorority things too. It isn't much, but it's still overwhelming. After the few classes I have tomorrow, I'm heading to Jen's apartment to study with her and hang out before the meeting. I hope we both have all of the memorization down. I still get kind of panicked while talking in front if people. It isn't good. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. This anxiety needs to chill the fuck out.

Arts and Crafts

Wednesday was long. During my health class, the girl sitting next to me felt weak. My professor had to call EMS and we got out of class a little early. Whoo. I went to my next class, then met up with Elijah. We hung out for a bit, then sorority duties called. I met some of the girls in the cafe for lunch. It was Pixie's 21st birthday today, so we all hung out and congratulated her. I still a little awkward being in a group of sisters. One-on-one I'm ok, but I get lost in the group. I feel like I'm the outsider in a group of best friends. It'll fade eventually I hope. Tides said I would get closer to them in time. Cross your fingers.
My classes continued to be annoying, then I met up with Jen. We were going back to her apartment to do some crafts for Pixie's birthday (as the pledge assignment said). We went to her place and began. She painted a wine bottle, and I started detailing the jumbo margarita glass. We worked for around an hour and a half then ordered egg sandwiches from a place across the street. We kept working, then stopped to eat. We chatted a lot while we ate. I found out brothers have the same name and are kinda similar. We're starting to know each other on more of a personal level now. I like it. She seems like a really good friend to have. We finished eating and continued to paint. Her fiancé soon came home and we all talked a bit. Then my dad called me. He said he wanted me home now. I told him it's going to take at least another hour or so with the baking (I have to bake the paint to make it stay on). He said he wanted me to leave there in 10mins, end of story. I agreed and ended the call. Why must I be treated like such a child? I'm in college trying to make friends and enjoy myself. They can't give me a little room to breath? It's ridiculous. I felt like such a child. Here Jen is with her own apartment living with her fiancé and dogs, while I'm getting called to go home like a freshman in high school. I hate it. I don't want to be controlled by them. I want to be able to hang out with my friends (the few I have) and be out late if I want. I have house keys. I have a MetroCard. I have a cellphone. I'll be fine. Let me grow up a little. Let me go.

Earl of the House

Tuesday was an ok day in general. I woke up, relaxed, and had some macaroni before heading off to see Mr. Caster. We watched a movie called the Earl of Chicago. It was very very good. If you ever get the chance to see it, I recommend it from one internet stranger to another. I got home and had a bowl of ice cream. Why? Because fuck you, I'm 18 and make my own choices. I enjoyed it and watched tv while texting the sorority girls. I've been noticing that one of the girls, Tides, and I have been talking a lot. She only pledged last semester so she's easy to identify with. I think I have my top 3 choices for my big. If you don't know, a big is a big sister who mentors you through the pledging process. You choose her, and she has to choose you too. I have Pixie as #1, Athena as #2, and Tides as #3. I just hope Jen and I aren't hoping for the same big. That would be awkward.
Today, I woke up late. I panicked and then heard my mom downstairs. She can drive me. Good. I fall back asleep for about half an hour then get back up. I'm taking my time then I asked her if she would drive me. No. Why? Erik is sick,and god forbid he is home alone for 10mins. Seriously. He won't die while you're gone. Leave him a glass of water and put on some cartoons. He isn't throwing up, he's just having "bad cramps" and is dehydrated. Why can't I stay home when I'm having cramps? I get those pretty badly too. Every month. I mean, it sucks that he's sick, but I think he can handle himself for 10mins. I hate my family sometimes. I guess I'm glad to be heading to Jen's house after school. I get to avoid my mom for a bit. She's kinda an asshole sometimes. But as one of our pledge assignments for the week, we have to make something for Pixie's 21st birthday (which is actually today). Jen is doing a decorated wine bottle, and doing a jumbo margarita glass. We're going to hang out and craft together. I'm so grateful she's a sweet girl, and that I wasn't stuck with some one I don't like as a pledge sister.

Monday Flow

This whole weekend has been ridiculous. I worked saturday 6-1. I hung out with Bob until Kevin got there at 8. My boss was stressed out so he was being a little mean to Kevin. Kevin got kinda pissed off, so I spent the last couple hours of my shift making him smile. I'm starting to have feelings for Kevin. Not like romantic feelings, but more like brother/sister feelings. We always joke around at work and have pointless banter. It makes the work day fun. Matt came at 10 and he and I once again had some back and forth innuendos. In general, work wasn't horrible. I was just exhausted. I went home dreading what was coming next. The 10pg paper that is due on Monday. Whoohoo. I go home, watch tv, and put off the paper for a few hours. I started doing it, got about 2 1/2pgs then stopped for the night.
Sunday I slept in till noon then began the paper again. I spent my day reading numerous case studies and meticulously citing my sources, and my source's sources. My mom took me out shopping midday. I only agreed to go because I was sick of reading studies and typing away on the computer. She got a new handbag, and I got a small case for my makeup. We headed home, and I promptly got back to work. Dinner was soon, and I ate/drank for the first time in about 24hrs. I know it isn't healthy, but I just didn't have time to eat or get a drink. The food was good, and I headed back to work. Around 12hrs of work, for 3 1/2pgs. Yea. I worked into the night/early morning to finally get it done. I think it was around 3am when I got to bed, but I'm not sure.
I woke up this morning and realized my dad was home. Awesome. I figured I could sleep in another half hour, then get a ride to the train station. When I awoke, my dad was gone. He had work after all, he just stayed home for an extra hour or so to shovel some snow that had fallen last night. I panicked and began to beautify myself. I skipped my lips, foundation, and blush. I did my eye makeup, that's good enough right? Right. I then spent the next 20mins trying to hole punch dozens of papers to get them into a binder (as required by my professor). I also had to print this thing called an originality report for my paper. It measures if you've plagiarized anything, and how original your paper is. I submitted him last night, and my report still wasn't ready. I went ahead without it, and hoped that she would accept it with no originality report. Cross your fingers. I ran to the bus, and saw a little (what looked to be) stray dog. It was maybe a foot long, and low to the ground. It looked like maybe a beagle and something else small. I bent down to say hi, but it started yipping at me. A lady across the street tried calling to it, and it assumed it was hers. In the end, I don't know. I had to get to school. I waited a while for the bus, and was silently cursing to myself. I thought today would be a good day. My paper would be done, I get to watch Walking Dead and the season finale of Breaking Bad when I get home. I'm hanging out with some of the sorority sisters, and then I have a photography club meeting. I can stay up late tonight and enjoy myself. However, my Monday sucks so far. I'll let you know how it progresses and if it improves.
In reference to the above, my Monday didn't really get much better. I keep forgetting to post these. I sometimes like to write them while I'm on the train to occupy myself, but then I forget to publish them when I return above ground. My memory is such shit. I'll post this, then work on Tuesdays. I'm truely sorry for the weirdness.

MoSex

Things have been BUSY. Very busy. I found out I have a 10pg paper due Monday, so that's been keeping me busy. Between school, the sorority, home life, and Bambi, I'm constantly busy.
Yesterday I went into the city with Bambi. Where did we go? The Museum of Sex obviously. We met in the FlatIron district and explored till we found the museum. MoSex was actually interesting. It had a photo exhibit of Linda Lovelace and the first porn. They also had an exhibit on animals' sex lives too. Did you know that Bonobo monkeys engaged in homosexual acts, and females often rub their clitoris' together to get stimulation. I don't know about you, but it was all new to me. We wandered around and looked and laughed and read and learned. The gift shop was, well, full of sex toys. Shocker. Bambi wanted anal beads, but I refused. Ew. Next we headed to a sandwich shop called Eisenbergs. It's apparently a popular place, and the food is good and reasonably priced. If you're ever in the FlatIron district, I recommend trying it. I had eggs and pastrami with a side of onion rings if you're wondering. After we ate, we made our way to a record store where Bambi bought a couple DVDs to watch next time I came over. It was still early, so we didn't want to go home yet. We found a 7/11 that had tables and chairs inside. We got a table and hung out there eating chocolate and drinking Mountain Dew. It was a nice little date. We went to the train station and parted ways soon after. I got home, and began to work on my paper. My laptop decided to be a bitch and not work. I wrestled with it for a while, then gave up. Now to do my sorority homework. I got it done, then began to memorize the material. By the time I went to bed, it was around 3am.
I woke up tired and exhausted today. I threw on black pants, a big tshirt, and a hoodie. I just wanted comfy clothes. I slept on the train, which was actually a pretty decent nap. My classes went fast (kinda) then I had a lunch date with Pixie. She was so sweet and we found more stuff in common. As we finished lunch, a guy came over. A frat guy. Of course. He put his arm around me and called me babe. He said it's horrible manners to ignore someone, but I just kept looking at Pixie and cracked a smile. She shooed him away, then some sorority sisters came by. They all talked and laughed joined by the frat guy. Awks. They all disappeared after a while and I went to my class. I had a Buddhism test (which I fell asleep during), and I think I aced it. Next was history. It went quick. Finally, the sorority meeting came around. It went ok. I didn't know we had to repeat the things from last week AND this week. I paused a lot and started myself over a few times. I found that Jen and I both did a bit better this time around. We got some critiques, but none too bad. Our assignments were up to paar, and we have even more for next week. College is crazy. It goes from 0-300 in about .5 seconds. And tomorrow I'm working 6-1. Whoohoo. I'm exhausted. I hope sleep comes easy tonight.

Diploma

Today I visited Mr. Caster. We saw a musical. I can't recall the name, but it was okay. It wasn't one of my favorites. Mr. Caster and I spoke for about another hour or so, then I took the bus home. Bambi said he had had a surprise for me when I got back from visiting Mr. Caster. I told him I was home, and he sent a picture. It was his diploma. It had his name in big fancy letters, and showed me that he did it. I put in so much work to get him to do this. He had failed more classes than allowed in his senior year, and was behind in his foreign language studies. They prevented him from graduating with the rest of us, but the school still allowed him to make up what he needed to in order to get his diploma. I actually did a lot of the math work for him and tried to show him how to do it. I wasn't confident he would get it done in time, but he told me to stop stressing and leave it up to him. I did. I wasn't sure how he would do it, or if it were even possible, but I guess it was. It made me so proud to open up that picture and see his diploma. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. There I was standing in my kitchen eating macaroni salad and drinking an appletini, and the next thing I know, I'm in tears when I open his picture. I wanted to hug him so badly. We're arranging to go into the city on Thursday for a date. I couldn't decide between MoMA and the Museum of Sex. Total opposites, but equally as fascinating. We settled on Museum of Sex after a coin toss. I can't wait to see him. I'm just going to hug him and show him how proud I am. I love him.

Sexy Librarian

I'm beginning the fall behind again. I apologize.
Sunday was a very lazy day for me. I slept in and enjoyed watching anime for a few hours in bed. After a while, I got up and had some breakfast. Bambi and his family were picking me up at 6pm for a dinner for his dad's birthday. I got myself together and left with Bambi's family. When I got into their van, there was a new face. Her name is Ana. Apparently, Antonio has a new girlfriend. I was somewhat skeptical of Ana because of how his last relationship ended so quickly (and how she was a bitch). I didn't say much to Ana because I wanted to observe her and how she interacted with people. Bambi's family is like my second family, so I don't want her being disrespectful like the other girl was. Ana was nothing but sweet and funny. Antonio obviously liked her, and she liked him back. They held hands and kissed a couple times. It was cute. I had never seen him get that close with a girl (and he had only had his first kiss maybe 6 months ago). Ana was very nice and she seemed a little confused with the strange banter at dinner. Bambi, Antonio, and I all would go on these long tangents and 'argue'. It's funny to do, and I miss being with Bambi AND Antonio at the same time. The banter we have is always odd and entertaining. A lot of it happened so quickly that Ana seemed confused at times. I told her to get used to this bantering thing because it happens a lot with this crew. She and I interacted a bit more when I felt comfortable around her, and made sure I approved of her. Dinner was great, and we all talked and laughed (including his parents). I learned that Ana only lived 3 blocks away from me. I told her if she ever wanted to go to their house, I would show her how to get there and we could travel together. She seemed happy about it, and agreed. I arrived back at home and texted Antonio telling him that she had my approval. We chatted for a bit and I got her number from him. Next time I plan on going to their house, I'll invite her to join me. Who knows? Maybe she'll be here for a while, and maybe even become a sister-in-law. I wouldn't object. However, that's very much in the future.
Today I had school. Ugh. I caught the bus and train on time. I got to school on time, and went about my day. I had a psychology test, but that wasn't too hard. I finished early and went to one of the computer labs to do history homework. I happened to run into Elijah and we talked while typing. Apparently I type rather quickly. Meh. After hanging out there for a couple hours, I met up with a sorority sister to take my Monday photo. A couple of other sisters were in the group I found. Athena was there, and said I looked like a sexy librarian. I had on UGGs, nice jeans, a black tank top and a gray/black cardigan. I carried an Art book on my hip, my hair was up in a neat ponytail, and I had my glasses on with makeup done. I guess I did kinda look sexy. Go me. We all chatted, took the picture, then departed for our various classes. The rest of the day was fine. But for the first time, I ordered something at Starbucks by myself! A Grande Caramel Flan Latte. It was really quite good, so I recommend trying it at least. Today was only the 3rd time I had ever ordered from a Starbucks in my entire life. I'm growing up. I'm drinking coffee. I'm starting to look like a typical white girl in her UGGs, makeup, and Starbucks latte in hand.

Week One: Complete

I had classes on Friday, and all day I paid no attention. I was too busy studying and freaking out about the meeting we had after classes were over. I had recorded my voice reading the Commandments, Oath, and Alphabet. I would listen to them over and over again. I was in the library by myself listening to my recordings and charging my phone. I looked up and saw Jen go by. She looked confused. She saw me and came over to my table. She asked if I could help her print something for a class she was about to have. I showed her one of the computer labs and we were figuring out why it wouldn't print. One of the Kappa sisters happened to be in the lab and helped us. She asked if we had had any trouble with the frat guys yet. We both said no, and she said that was a good thing, and left. We're not allowed to talk to any of the frat guys, so they try to come up to us and torture us. We can't protest or yell at them, so we just have to walk away or ignore them. As soon as the sister left, who showed up? A frat guy. Of course. He came up to us asking for our names, if we needed help, told us our boyfriends were scary, and introduced himself. He came closer to us and tried to help Jen log off (while being EXTREMELY annoying). We quickly logged off, gathered our things, and ran. It was so strange not talking to someone who attacked you. But I have a feeling that after that first run-in, more are sure to follow.
By the end of the day, I had the Oath, Commandments, and Alphabet mostly down pat. Soon, it was time to meet the girls. I met up with Jen and them in our weekly meeting room. Jen was showing them our shirts. They actually came out pretty nicely. They were a little bit on the dark side, but the girls approved. Our first mission before the meeting was to go on a coffee run. We had to get 6 coffees from 2 different places. We came back to room with hands full of coffee. We got everyone's order right accept one, but it wasn't our vault (someone had given us the wrong thing to order). Sky told us to change into our tie dyed shirts and black pants (which Jen had let me borrow). We practiced what we would be doing in the meeting with Sky. She told us how to move, what to say, how to say it, and just to be calm. We did ok in practice, then the real meeting began. I was ready to crawl into a hole and die. Jen went first, and said it was ok. I went second, and mine was a little rough. Jen and I then came in together and did it in unison. We weren't bad. The meeting ended with a critique of our binders and how we performed with the memorization. I was told that my binder needed a little more color, and Jen needed to decorate the back of hers. One of the leaders, Shock, gave us a scary and kinda mean speech on how we don't text the girls enough. "How could you want to join something you know nothing about?". Jen and I both felt the impact of that one. We were all dismissed, and Jen and I were sent to our own special room across the hall to change back into our regular clothes. Jen and I were both shocked at the bluntness and hostility in that meeting. Sky soon stopped by our room to make sure we were ok. We were fine, just a bit in shock from our first meeting. Sky said that all of the girls will be your best friends, but in a meeting, everything is strictly business. I see that. Jen and I departed together, and I got home just in time to stuff my face (emotional eating I suppose). I soon went to bed tired, exhausted, and still in a state of shock. I only have 7 more weeks of this. I can do it.
The next morning I had work. Not much happened, but it was unusually busy. From around 7:30-11:30 it was a constant bustle. There isn't anything special to note about my work day other than Matt thinking my cargos made my ass look good. I won't complain, a compliment is always welcome. Although, I have noticed Matt was more touchy yesterday, and even texted me about stuff that wasn't work related. Weird. Kevin and I have also gotten fairly close. A customer last week had called he and I twins (when I wasn't there) because we look so similar. So now, we refer to each other as Twin and make jokes about us being twins. Work is a good atmosphere right now.
I came home and texted ALL of the Kappa sisters. ALL OF THEM. It was more time consuming than I ever thought possible. Oh well, at least I'm getting it done, and starting to know them better. Today is just going to be a lazy day for me. Anime, food, internet, food, sleep, anime, food.

Not Quite

I woke up early, checked my phone, and went back to bed. I was seeing if Jen had texted me yet. If the shirts came out bad, I was going to have to run to her house with dye. I woke up a few hours later and got a text. The shirts came out pretty cool looking. They were the right color, and the white patches weren't too obvious. We agreed they came out pretty damn good. After I texted her a bit, I started my day. I had to really buckle down today. My sorority binder still needed to be decorated, and things still needed to be memorized. I began with the decoration. I spent a while figuring out what to do. I ended up printing a few photos and using stickers to put them in place on the binder. I had pictures of my cat, random photography, and a picture of all of the seniors in the children's play last year (that happened before I began my blog). I also printed 2 pictures of Kyle and I. One picture was of us when we were around 3 or 4 hugging each other by a sandbox. The second photo was us in almost the same pose 15yrs later the day we graduated high school together. I put the photos side by side, and it's pretty incredible and beautiful to see how much we've grown together. I continued to put stickers everywhere and make sure the photos were in the right place. A picture of Jen and I together is on the cover of the binder. It's cute looking. I just hope the girls like the binder. A little while into decorating, Jen calls me. She washed the shirts (per the directions), and the pink had faded from hot pink to a light baby pink. We both somewhat panicked, but then she said her fiancé was going to go get bright pink fabric dye to try and fix it. If this doesn't work, I don't know if our shirts will be ready by tomorrow. She and I also have a lot of studying to do. I have about half of the oath, 90% of the alphabet, and maybe half of the commandments. I don't want to look like an idiot tomorrow if I forget something in front of the group. Even while showering, I was listening to a recording of myself reading the commandments and oath. Now, I still have a bit of time until I should go to bed. I guess I'll continue studying and memorizing and focusing. Wish me luck everyone. Oh, and also wish Jen and I luck with those damn shirts.

First Days

I meant to blog yesterday, but I was exhausted. It was a busy day. I didn't sleep much the night before. I got up a half hour earlier than normal in order to do my makeup. Having my hair and makeup done is a sorority requirement. I put on basic eye liner with mascara and called it a day. I put my hair up in a pony tail, got a nice top on, and headed out. My first class was canceled (due to MORE snow). I waited in the library, and I found some of the sorority girls. Each day I get dressed up (Monday and Wednesday), I have to take a picture with one of them to prove I was there and dressed appropriately. I posed with 2 of them, and someone took our full-body photo. I got that photo out the way, then chatted with them for a bit. I took my leave after a while, and continued to do some work. My psych class went fast enough, and was relatively easy. We have a test next week, so I should probably start studying for that. During the 2hr layover between classes, Jess and I went to Sephora. It was time to do some makeup shopping. I got a chubby stick, lip liner, blush, application pads, and an eye shadow pallet of a million colors. I spent $75 on makeup. Holy shit. I was supposed to be going out with the Kappa President for dinner and I had no money left. I texted her and told her I ran out of money. She was actually really nice about it, and told me that she spent $160 on makeup her first time buying it. Damn. Being a girl is expensive. After shopping, I ran to my Buddhism class (I was a couple minutes late, but he didn't mind). The rest of my classes were canceled, so I headed home with Elijah.
I got home and told my mom about the makeup. She was amazed at the cost, but was at least happy that I got quality makeup. She showed me how to apply lip liner and blush. She is also letting me borrow her BB cream till I get my own (hopefully today). I played around with the makeup last night and texted the girls a little more. I talked to Pixie and Nala. Pixie is really funny and sweet. Nala is kind of shy, but is sweet nonetheless.
Today I woke up and did my "routine". BB cream, eye makeup, blush, then chubby stick and lip liner. Ugh. So much stuff on my face. I mean, I think I did pretty good for my first time doing all this. I made sure to thoroughly inspect myself before I left. I even sent a pic to Jess to see how I did. She has yet to respond, but I'm not worried. It's really just a lot of work to keep up all day. How to women do this? So far, being a girly girl is kinda difficult.

I wrote the above this morning on my way to school. I meant to post it when I got off the subway, but forgot...oops. So I'll just continue it now I guess.
I got to school early and asked one of the girls if they could take a picture with me. We met up, took my picture, and left for class. I went through my cycle of classes, and it soon ended. Time for tie dye at Jen's apartment. She doesn't live far from school, only about 2 blocks. It's a nice little building. We got to her apartment on the 14th floor and I met her dogs. They were adorable. One looked like a brown pit bull/chihuahua and was named Lana. The other was a fluffy blonde corgie type of dog named Daisy. They were both adorable and super friendly. Lana actually gave me a little scratch on my face. After chatting and playing with the dogs, Jen and I tried to figure out the tie dye. It looked more purple than pink, and there wasn't much of it. We each had our own bowl, and dunked our shirts in the dye. There wasn't really enough dye so they both had some fairly obvious white patches where we ran out of dye. We decided to cross our fingers and hope this works. If it doesn't, we only have until Friday to make them again. Jen said she'll let me know how they come out in the morning. If they don't come out great, then we need to find a tie dye kit FAST and I'll go to her house to try it again tomorrow. After the tie dye, we ordered pizza. Chicken Parmesan pizza with a side of meatballs. Yes. While we waited for delivery, Jen and I decided to look over and discuss some sorority stuff. We talked about how awkward it was texting everyone and getting to know new people. Then we went over the Greek Alphabet and she showed me a video to help remember it. We discussed more sorority stuff and the phone rang. Jen buzzed up the pizza man, and dinner had arrived. From there, there was no more sorority talk. We got to know each other and discussed college, her dogs (rescue dogs), where she works, and some other stuff. It was so much fun hanging out with her. I really like her. I'm glad she's my pledge sister. We continued eating like pigs and then her fiancé came home from work. His name is Jay. He's a nice guy from what I could tell. I checked the time, and it was later than I thought. We said our goodbyes, and she hugged me saying I was welcome any time. I may be going back over there tomorrow to retry tie dye if it doesn't come out right. Cross your fingers. Although, I wouldn't mind hanging out with her  again.
By the way, the font is messed up again. I know...

Prepping

My parents were supposed to leave yesterday for a weekend trip to a friend's house in PA. The weather got in the way, so they didn't leave till today. But I was kind of glad they didn't leave on time. My mom took me out shopping and I got my Sorority Survival Supplies. I picked up pads, travel sized hair spray/body spray, scrunchies, gum, nail polish remover wipes, and some tampons from my own stock pile. I bought a makeup case to put all of the supplies in, and a shirt to tie-dye with Jen on Wednesday. I got home and filled the makeup bag with the supplies, plus I even threw in some bandaids and hand lotion just in case. It all fit perfectly. Next up was to begin decorating the sorority binder. This binder is only to be seen by members of the sorority, or other pledges. They contain the history, oath, 10 Kappa Commandments, the badge, and values of the sorority, as well as sections for taking notes during meetings, a section for sisters to assign homework, and a picture of the Greek alphabet. It's a plain white binder, and Sky told us to decorate it as we see fit. I sort of love stickers, so I typed out the name of the sorority, my pledge class, then stuck it on using stickers. I want to put pictures on it, but I'm not sure what. It's looking cute so far, though.
Today I began my mission of texting all of the sisters. I texted 5 so far. They all seem nice, but mostly brief. But surprisingly, one of the girls and I actually hit it off. Her name is Athena. She's a cadet in the NYPD and her mother has been a cop for a while. We talked about that and then moved onto parties and where each of us lives. She's super sweet, and even said we should see a movie together some time. I'M MAKING A FRIEND HOLY SHIZNIT. I suppose I should continue texting the girls. There's a long list I have to go through before I complete the task. I haven't even looked at the oath, Commandments, or alphabet in days. Ugh. I can't screw this up. Im so nervous. On the up side, I'm loving the bracelet they gave me, which is good since it won't be coming off for the next 2 months.

Now, I figured maybe I would do something fun on here. I'm gonna post 10 fun facts about Eve!
1) My favorite color is purple
2) I was a beef jerky taste tester when I was a kid
3) I used to have very short hair (like a pixie cut)
4) My cat thinks he's married to me
5) I grew up drinking root beer, and it always brings back memories when I drink it
6) I wear a celtic pinky ring with my mother's maiden name engraved on the inside
7) My esophagus wasn't connected to my stomach when I was born
8) I'm self-conscious about my eyebrows
9) I wear glasses
10) Giraffes are my favorite animal

Induction

Yesterday was a snowy day. There isn't much to report on that besides the fact that I entered a photo contest my school was giving and won. I'm swinging by the office on Tuesday to pick up my free "swag" from the contest. I wonder what it is...
So on to today! I was nervous and excited and anxious and terrified since I awoke this morning. Today was finally induction day. I didn't know what would be happening. After my classes finished up, I changed into my hot pink button down and flats. I looked pretty good I think. Jen got there a little while after me and we sat together talking. The Kappas were in the room across the hall prepping it for the ceremony, so we had to wait in another room. We waited, and waited, and waited some more. Jen and I spoke and gradually got to know each other. We spent around 45mins together just bantering and throwing ideas back and forth on how we thought the ceremony would go. Sky came into the room and told us everything was ready. This was it. Jen and I went into the hallway, but we entered the room one at a time. I went first while Jen stayed in the hall. I had to keep my eyes closed and let Sky lead me. When inside the room, the Kappas went in a circle asking me questions (to which I say the basic "I do"). There were a few questions which caused difficulty though. Why did I want to join the sorority? What can I bring to the table? Use 3 words to describe yourself. I was so nervous, and didn't expect those questions. I said some stupid answers, they laughed, and I finished. I had to repeat an oath vowing to be loyal to the sorority (I'm still not able to see anything by the way). Sky led me out of the room and it was Jen's turn. She looked so scared going in. I heard them laughing the same way they did with me. She came out, and then we walked in together (still keeping our eyes closed). We were handed a strange tube (which turned out to be a candle). I went first and lit a candle representing my joining asa pledge. Jen lit her candle as well. We stood in front of the room and repeated the oath together in unison. Once we finished, we were told to hold out our right arms. They proceeded to tie a bracelet onto our wrists. It's pink and silver with a diamond shaped bead in the middle and represents our loyalty to the sorority. We can't take the bracelet off until we officially cross over and become a sister instead of a pledge. Jen and I finally opened our eyes and they congratulated us. We all took photos, then Sky took Jen and I back to our original waiting room for a meeting. We were both presented with binders. I won't go into detail, but there's A LOT of work to do in the future for this sorority. Homework, dress codes, note taking, socializing, and making sure to carry the essentials (hair spray, nail polish remover, scrunchies, pads/tampons, etc..) in case a sister needs them. By next Friday, I have to memorize the Kappa Commandments, the oath, and the Greek alphabet. And I need to start texting all of the members of Kappa by Sunday so I get to know them a little more. Jen and I also both need pink tie-dye shirts dyed the same shade of pink. This is impossible unless both shirts are dyed at the same time with the same mix of color. So Jen invited me to come over to her apartment on Wednesday and dye our shirts together. Since she's my pledge sibling, I don't mind hanging out. I really should get to know her a little better.
Pledging is going to be a lot of work, but I already know it's going to be worth it.

Living in the Past

Wednesday's post!
So Wednesday, I had school. The commute was normal, and I got there early. I played some Pokémon and then began my day. Classes were pretty normal, but I felt exhausted. I had the weirdest dream that night. It started out where my family and I were at the airport. We saw a bunch of soldiers being shipped out, so we watched as they hugged goodbye and boarded the plan. Their families cried and the plane disappeared. Next thing I know, my mom suggests a road trip type thing to PA. She says that Bambi and I can go together and they'll catch up with us later. I arrived to the hotel without him, but I had another guy I know, Michael, instead. We talked about Pokemon and who would sleep in each bed. He was just sharing the room with me till Bambi got there. There was a knock on the door and some of the frat/sorority people were there. They gave me a flyer saying I was invited to a private concert featuring OneRepublic, Rise Against, A7x and some other bands. I accepted, then went back inside. I remember the room having a GameCube too. But then I woke up. It was an odd dream, that's for sure. I was thinking about it all day. If I went into the military, my family would be the ones crying and saying their goodbyes. I hate thinking of them being sad and worried. Even though we fight, I wouldn't want them feeling that way. 
My thoughts drifted from my future, to Leo's. What if he goes into the service and comes back injured for life? On the way home from school on the train, I thought of something. Maybe I should email Leo. I just want to smooth out any hard feelings. But then again, I don't want to keep opening up old wounds. If he's over me, he's over me. I want him to move on, not to dwell on me. I'm giving this way too much thought. I'm sure by now he's past this, and past me.

By the by, I don't know what the fuck I did to the text. I can't fix it. Send help...

Navy Cross

I know I've missed a few days of blogging. Gr. I'll post one entry for each day to keep them separate, kapish? This one will be Tuesday's entry.

On Tuesday, I had a busy day. I got up around 9am, got dressed, then flew out the door. I had a hair appointment. I was finally dying my hair the color I wanted. I've been trying to go for an auburn type of color, but no boxed hair dyes seem to give me the right color. My hairdresser brought out the book of colors, and I showed her what I wanted. She told me she knew exactly what I was going for. She's been doing my hair for years now; probably around 6 or 7yrs. She mixed a few colors and put it in. I got my hair washed of the color (which feels so good), and then she blow-dried it. It looked AMAZING. It's exactly the color I wanted. It's red, but not too red. It's subtle, but stands out. My hairdresser made me a custom color card so that way when I come in next time, she knows exactly what to mix. It's a mixture of copper, auburn, and another red color. It's absolutely perfect. After I got my hair done, I went shopping for that pink button down shirt. I found the perfect shirt. It's hot pink, cute, and fits me like a glove. I also picked up some pink tank tops, and a pink v-neck. I'm slowly going to start adding more pink to my wardrobe. 

After shopping, I went to Mr. Caster's house. We watched a movie about a marine in WWII. He met a girl in PA before he entered the war, and the two eventually fell in love (shock). She was a toughie and he liked that. He told her to wait for him until he got back. He was put on the front lines manning a machine gun. Both of his partners were shot, but only one was killed. The marine was left to demolish a whole field a japs with a broken gun. He did it, but the last jap threw a grenade at him, and he caught it. It exploded in his face, and shrapnel went into his eyes. Long story short, he lost his eyesight and was transferred back to San Diego, CA to a military hospital. He thinks of his girl back home in PA, but he decides to break it off with her. He thinks he'll only he a burden to her, and she deserves a lot better than him. He earns himself a Navy Cross, and the ceremony is in his hometown of Philadelphia. Again, long story short, he runs into his girl and she yells at him saying that she doesn't care if he can't see. "What's wrong with two people having to depend on each other?". It's true. What's wrong with that? Anyway, the two get back together and in the end, the marine regains some of his vision, being able to tell vague shapes and colors. It made me smile. They both were such hotheads, but didn't want to bother or burden each other. After the movie, Mr. Caster and I talked and talked and talked. I found out he lived on the same block as my college. We discussed the area where he lived, then shifted to talked about the military. I told him I was interested in the Air Force. He said if he could do it over again, he would join the Air Force instead of the Navy and Army. I really like Mr. Caster. He's such a sweet guy. Once again, it makes me think of my future. 

Bid

My neck hasn't been happy with me the last few days. Looking to my left is beginning to hurt, and I'm a bit stiff. I'm worried that I'm going to wake up with my neck injured like over the summer. I don't want to be on all those medications again, and I certainly don't want to be in that level of pain ever again. I've been taking steady doses of Aleve and using those lidocaine patches. I seriously hope his clears up soon.
So, onto my day today. I was nervous all weekend, and very giddy. Today was a big day for me. Why? Jen and I were called to a Kappa meeting to find out if we were accepted into the sorority. Sky sat down with us and gave us envelopes. They contained a certificate officially inviting us to join the sorority. Jen and I both accepted (of course), and I couldn't stop smiling. We posed with our invitations and Sky took pictures of us. I was so happy. I got my bid to join. Sky then told us about our induction. On Friday, we have a meeting at 4:30 to begin the induction. We have to wear a hot pink button down with black pants and flats. I don't own ANY pink shirts, so I guess that needs to change. Can you say shopping spree? I was informed of the sororities constant wearing of pink, so I'm going to need a few different tops. Pink isn't exactly my favorite color, but I guess I can deal with it. Anyway, during the induction we light candles, and begin our pledging process. This is so exciting. Like, holy shit. I noticed that today I was being more open and very sociable with Jen and Sky. I'm the most socially awkward person you could ever possibly meet in your entire life. I'm so shy and quiet. But once I open up, I'm surprisingly inappropriate and fun. I really hope I can open up to all of the sisters and enjoy this. I'm so excited to begin my pledging and make friends. Jen and I are now official Pledge Siblings. Am I beginning to sound too girlie? I feel as if I'm harping on this subject too much, but it just makes me so happy. I can finally have an official group of friends.
Oh, and something else cool happened today. I attended a Q&A session with the Editor-in-Chief of Popular Photography Magazine. She's so interesting and has a ton of insight. Afterwards, I grabbed one of her business cards and she invited me to email her if I want her opinions. I do. I have an Instagram page that I post my photos on, but it's nothing really professional. Even yet, I want to get her opinions on if they're at least decent. She urged us all to enter free monthly competitions held by the magazine. Maybe I will. But first, I need a good quality camera.
So that was my day. It really wasn't bad. In fact, it was pretty amazing. Today was one of those days where you look back on it and wish every day was that great.

Bird of Prey

I had work on Saturday (yesterday), and it went surprisingly fast. It was very busy and so we were all too distracted to be looking at the clock. My shoulder was killing me, but I had to keep going. Eventually, the crowd died down and I was able to breathe. I headed home, and was looking forward to having Sunday off. It's very rare I get a day off without asking, especially now that Jena is gone. I got home, chilled out, and slept. I awoke Sunday morning, pulled my shades closed, and went back to bed. Sleep is a beautiful thing. I got up and was immediately put to work. My mom was cleaning the entire inside of the fridge. Shelves were taken out, food was on the counters, and she was of course complaining about the mess. My dad makes his own iced tea (VERY sweet), and he isn't really neat about storing it. It gets the counters and the fridge shelves kinda sticky. My mom has an OCD streak, so this often causes fights between them. I helped her clean the fridge. Then she went on a long speech about how my dad and I never do anything around the house. I'm sorry, didn't I just vacuum on Thursday? And I dusted when I got home on Saturday. I literally JUST helped you clean the fridge. Yet apparently, I do nothing. Ok then. Cool. I had to spend my "day off" vacuuming and mopping and resisting the urge to punch something. Why can I never have a day where I can just do nothing? Maybe next week, I'll have my chance. My parents are leaving for a weekend trip from Saturday to Monday. I'll be with Erik, but I won't have to worry about my mom's bitching or keeping up on chores every spare moment I have. I took that weekend off work too. I can sleep, watch tv, enjoy anime, and take it slow. Thank Jesus. 

So, I opened Leo's gift. I smiled. I'm still smiling. He got me 3 pairs of Star Trek knee-high socks. My parents are Trekkies, and I find the show rather entertaining myself. My mom has a Bird of Prey hanging from her rear view mirror, and my dad still watches old reruns. It brought back memories of the few times we spoke about Star Trek together. And even the time Leo tried to show me Star Wars backstage before school. Then something else was wrapped up with the socks. A small keychain. It's the Gadsden flag (look it up). "Don't Tread on Me"; that phrase means a lot to me. Patriotic, and once again it brings back some memories of Leo being a crazy history nerd. Leo's keychain is going to join my house keys. I'll see it often, and have that little memory. Although, Bambi gave me a keychain also. His was of a pink horse from an Italian cartoon. Having those 2 keychains together on the same ring may be weird, but I want Leo's on there. I wonder if he reads my blog. If he does, maybe he'll see that I still have a heart. I tried to smile at him. I tried not to hurt him. I tried to be the best person I could be for him. I think I pretty much failed at everything I attempted to do. I can't fix it now. Leo, don't hold it all against me. 

Olive Branch?

School was more or less boring, so I'll cut to the chase. I saw Leo. I met up with Bambi, Kyle, and Antonio. Bambi and I went for dinner, and then met up with everyone else before the show. There were Chinese lanterns hanging from the ceiling to celebrate the Chinese New Year. We walked to where the show was being held and that's when I saw him. He was talking to someone and I blushed. Hard. I looked away and continued my conversation with Bambi. We found Kyle and got our seats. Leo was sitting in the same row as us. He looked good. More than good. I looked at him every chance I got. The play soon started, and it was actually very funny. After the play, Leo got right to work. He assisted in disassembling the stage and carrying the pieces downstairs. Bambi, Antonio, Kyle, and a few others gathered around and spoke and laughed. I participated and enjoyed seeing people. Still, I kept looking for Leo. I had to refill my water bottle, so I walked to the fountain. I saw Leo and a couple others carrying a piece of the stage. I looked at him and smiled. He and I only made eye contact 2 or 3 times, and only for a millisecond. He passed, and I returned to the gathering. I saw him a handful of times, but I remember each one. We left the school, went to the deli for a drink, then returned. As we were coming back, Leo was leaving. I gave him a big smile, as a sort of olive branch. I don't know whether he saw me or not. I watched him walk away into the night and I continued to joke around with the group. I miss Leo. I miss seeing him smile. I miss making him smile. Those times are over now, but I'll be missing them.

P.S. - I'll be opening the gift tomorrow. I have work early tomorrow morning so I just want to pass out now. Goodnight everyone. I don't say this enough, but thank you all for reading (and sometimes responding).

Freak on a Leash

After I blogged my last entry, I got out of bed (finally). I made myself an omlette that actually looked kinda good. It had cheddar cheese inside with a hint of garlic salt that I mixed into the eggs. It was great. While eating, I skyped Bambi. We talked and laughed and discussed some stuff. He said he's gonna come with me tomorrow to our old high school. They have an annual children's play, and tomorrow is the only home show. I had totally forgotten about it until last night. Bambi and I are gonna meet up for dinner then head to the show. It should be good considering the good cast. In the back of my mind, I thought of Leo. Would he be there? Am I going to see him? What is Bambi gonna do if he's there? All of these questions will be answered by tomorrow night. Anyway, the Skype call ended, and I had to get ready to go.
Before I left to meet the Kappas, I wanted to vacuum. I got a little caught up in a tv show about a murder case, so I was running late. I ran around my house vacuuming as fast as I could. I got my stuff together and left. I got to school a little late, but they didn't mind. They were all hanging out in the cafe. Jen and 2 of the Alpha girls were talking. The Alphas were the first group to enter the Kappas. Jen and I will be the Kappa class, and before us were the Iotas. I'm already starting to know some of the Greek alphabet. But I joined Jen and the Alphas. One of the Alphas is like the big mommy. She's the one who texts me about meetings, and tries to include me in a majority of the conversations. Her name is Sky. She's really nice to me, and insists on including me in everything. We all talked and eventually left for ice cream. We spent about 30mins all crowded into a small Hagen Daaz ordering ice cream. I got a caramel cone shake. It was pretty damn good. We all walked back to school to finish our treats. We got there and talked and laughed. I found myself becoming more open to talking and contributing to conversations. It was nice. While we were in the cafe, I saw Jess. I hadn't seen her in a long while, so I stopped to talk. She said that with all the sorority girls surrounding me, I looked like someone from Mean Girls. I like that movie, so I can't say I didn't like the idea. She and I talked and I realized how much I missed her weird antics. She invited me to have lunch with her and some guy tomorrow. I agreed, but only because she says he's hot. I wanna see who she's talking about, and maybe try to hook them up by suggesting a lunch date. Who knows? Anyway, I got back to the Kappas, and continued enjoying myself.
I checked the time and almost died. I was supposed to meet my mom somewhere at 8, and it was now 7:25. Fuck. I grabbed my coat, said goodbyes, and ran. I caught the train just as it pulled into the station. 50mins later, I meet my mom. Needless to say, she was pissed off. My parents have weekly therapy sessions, and she hates missing them. At least she gets therapy. I've asked for it, and what have I gotten? Nothing. She was pissed off because she couldn't keep her appointment. I felt bad, but at the same time I was confused. They couldn't go to their meeting without me being home. Why? Oh yea, because Erik can't fucking take care of himself. You have to actually tell him to shower and brush his teeth, or he won't do it. So they needed me home to watch him. I have to sacrifice parts of my life, so they can be happy. I feel like I'm still on a leash. I'm in college for fuck sake. Erik is 11, he needs to learn how to take care of himself without someone telling him what to do. Even while blogging, my mom told me to feed the cats and empty the dishwasher. Really? Can no one else do this stuff? I'm trying to go out a little more and enjoy some freedom. I want to be able to have fun without being bitched at about it. In the end, my parents still have me on their leash and pull me back whenever they find it convenient. I'm not 15 anymore. I'm 18, in college, and need some separation.

Ease In

I've been so tired as of late. My blogging seems to be suffering. I need to try to be more consistent. Anyway, after visiting with Mr. Caster the other day, I headed to school. It was Kappa Game Night. I was a little late, but they didn't mind. We played hangman and Scattergories and just hung out. I found out that there would only be 2 new pledges into the sorority. It was just me and one other girl named Jen. We introduced ourselves and kept hanging out with everyone. I feel as if I'm starting to loosen up a bit around the Kappas. This is good. Everyone decided to leave together and travel in a pack. The Kappas took the lead, and Jen and I followed. We started talking and I learned that she lives only a few blocks from school. She lives with her fiancé and her family is back in Maryland. She seems so independent. I really want to speak to her more. She's cute and very sweet. Jen and I are going to be the only 2 pledges, so I want to at least get to know her better. The group split up taking assorted trains, and I traveled with one of the Kappas solo. She was sweet. I knew her back in high school, and we were in the choir together. We knew each other, but not in detail. We chatted about the cold weather, and then separated a little while later. She took the bus, I took the train. I was exhausted going home, and I know I had school the next day. The weather was supposed to be rainy, icey and snowy, but why would my school close?
I woke up the next morning hoping for a text from the school alerting us to stay home from school. Nope. I begrudgingly started my day. The commute was normal, but wet. Puddles were feet deep, and the sludge was everywhere. I got to school, went to classes, hung out with Elijah, went to the rest of my classes, and headed home. I played Pokémon all the way home on the train. I finally have a Blastoise and Delphox. I came home, ate, watched tv, and passed out. Thrilling day, I know.
Today, I'm meeting with the Kappas again. We're all going out for an ice cream social. I love ice cream. This should go well. Hopefully this time, I can get more vocal and less shy. Wish me luck.

P.S. - After I get home, I'll be opening Leo's present. I've been ignoring it for a while, but I think I'm ready now. I know some of you guys must be curious, and frankly, so am I. Once again, wish me luck.

"I Found My Myra"

I'm doing a mid-day blog. I don't usually do this, but why not. I visited Mr. Caster today, and we watched a movie called Waterloo Bridge. This movie plucked my heartstrings and made me almost come to tears. It takes place in London when England and Germany were at war. During a London air raid, everyone rushes to an underground bomb shelter. It's there that Army Captain Roy Cronin meets ballet dancer Myra Lester. The two talk for a few brief minutes and the chemistry begins. When the raid is over, everyone leaves. Myra gives Roy a good luck charm since he will be shipping out soon. They part ways, and instantly miss each other. Roy goes to her ballet performance that night, and the two meet once again. They go out for dinner and fall even more in love. The story progresses, and after only a day or two of knowing her, Roy proposes. They go to get married, but have to wait until the next day. Before tomorrow comes, Roy is surprisingly shipped out early, and Myra isn't able to say goodbye. Myra looses her ballet job, and lives with her former ballet partner/best friend. Roy and Myra loose touch, and Myra sees in the newspaper that Roy is dead. She breaks down and gives up on life. She becomes a prostitute with her friend. After a while, Myra finds Roy while looking for clients. The two are amazed they met once again, and that he was alive. They plan to marry once again, but Myra isn't so happy. She had slept with many men for money since Roy was gone because she believed him dead. The two visit his mother in Scotland to get married at her mansion. She finally tells his mother the truth of what she had done. The mother says that she understands why she did it, but it does cause a problem. Myra makes the mother promise that she will never tell Roy. She agrees, and later that night Myra runs away back to London, unable to face Roy. Roy goes after her to London, but can't find her. She had committed suicide by jumping in front of a military truck on Waterloo Bridge (where she and Roy first met). The movie ends with an older looking Roy standing on Waterloo Bridge. He's holding the lucky charm Myra had given him when they first met. He steps into a car and the credits roll. 

I looked over and saw that Mr. Caster was tearing up. He explained to me that he and his wife loved that movie, and it hurts him to watch it without her. He went on to say that he loved it so much because "I found my Myra". He found his wife whom he loved with all his heart and soul. She died and left him feeling empty and sad. It made me sad to see him so distraught. We talked for a little bit, and he told me about the day she had died. "Her last day alive was an unusually good day." and they had gone out for lunch at their favorite restaurant. His wife had gotten a headache midday, so they took it easy and went home. She died very peacefully, and enjoyed her last day, as did Mr. Caster. It was touching to hear his story of her last day, and how he was even happy that she wasn't in pain. I want a love like theirs. Unconditional. Adventurous. Unique. Eternal. 

Essence of Snow

Buddhism class was fun. We discussed The Four Noble Truths and started to really get into the fundamentals of Buddhism. I'm really enjoying the class. I find the subject fascinating and insightful. To be honest, I think I may begin practicing Buddhism. I'm loving all of the Buddha's teachings so far, and my set of believes seems to match those of Buddhists. If I still feel this way by the end of the course, I'll be converting to Buddhism. I'm serious about this too. You aren't struggling in life to please some big god above, but rather to satisfy and better yourself as an individual. It's a very empowering religion, but also sort of confusing and depressing at parts.
After Buddhism, I headed over to my dad's office. I stepped outside and felt the cool wind blow across my face. It felt good, but sent a chill down my spine. I put my hood up and began walking. The snow is beautiful when it falls in New York. The buildings look so magical with a layer of snow on them. The pure white flakes flutter to the ground and join the chaos below. The flakes turn brown and mix with melted snow to form a fabulous coating of slush. Slush was everywhere, and some puddles were extremely deep. Luckily for me, I was wearing my boots. I trudged through the snow and sludge while looking up at the white dots falling from the clouds above. Occasionally, a small flake would hit my lips. It gracefully landed on my lip, made me feel cold, then would disappear leaving behind only a microscopic speck of water on my lips. I enjoyed the sights while walking. I got to my dad's office, and we headed home. What normally takes 1hr only look maybe 30mins. While turning to park in front of my house, my dad and I got stuck. It took us a long while, but we got unstuck. I got inside and changed into pjs. I relaxed, and that ended my day. Tomorrow I'm seeing Mr. Caster. Then at 6pm, I have a Kappa event (Game Night). I'm excited for tomorrow. Now let me enjoy sleep while I can still get it.