initium novum

Man oh man has it been a while. The semester's work picked up and I got a little overwhelmed. I still am. I have 2 finals and a final paper all happening in the next four days. It's a lot to handle, but I think it'll be alright. As always, a lot has managed to change since I've lasted written here. I suppose I should go in chronological order to keep it as streamlined as possible.

Firstly, Leo joined my family for Thanksgiving this year. His own family is very on edge with the COVID situation and wouldn't allow him in their house without taking a ridiculous number of "precautions". They required him to take a COVID test but didn't tell him they required it until only a couple days prior to Thanksgiving, so he wouldn't have gotten his results in time. He advised them that the rapid tests were extremely unreliable and he wouldn't waste time taking one, but they didn't seem to care. So instead of dealing with their nonsense my mom invited him to come with us to my aunt's house for our usual small gathering. We all drank and played video games and ate a ton of food. It was the most fun I had had in a while. Since he lives further away now out of state we don't see each other super often, so it's nice when our schedules finally match up. It also sounds like he'll be coming for Christmas Eve at my house as well. We all had fun last time during Thanksgiving so I'm anticipating the same. He and I have always gotten along well and have fun, so I'm looking forward to it. It'll be my first day off after work ends. I'll get to that now I suppose.

While everything was going on with school and work and my generally busy schedule, I had to look for what's called a fellowship site for my graduate degree. We each need to be practicing in our field while being supervised in order to gain "supervision hours". Once we complete 1,500 hours we qualify for state licensing for our degree so we can ultimately become board certified. This has been quite the task and many people in my cohort had problems finding sites that worked for them. After some issues with my paperwork on the school's end, I was able to land a few interviews. One of those interviews apparently went exceedingly well. I got an offer for a full time paid position. I won't get into much detail for privacy reasons, but I'll be working out of a school that functions as part of a typical academic year. That means I get summers off, and as a salaried employee I'll still get paid. The concept of having ~6 weeks paid time off from work is still sinking in with me. Plus we abide by the normal winter and spring breaks along with religious holidays. All together it seems like an amazing job. I'm salaried, accrue my required hours, have off during the summers, have fairly often 3-day weekends, don't have to commute too far, and have access to decent health benefits. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect job. Because of this new job, I decided to leave both of my research labs as well as my normal office job. I no longer need the labs for my resume (I already have 2 1/2 years of experience there) and I don't need the pay from my office job. People were very sad when I informed them I'd be leaving my jobs, but they were happy I was moving on to something bigger and better. I'll miss one coworker in particular named Vince. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him in the past. He and I have bonded over the last year of working together at my office job. We have a lot in common and talk constantly during the day. He's very much gay and is in a happy and healthy relationship, so it's purely platonic. But I will miss him a lot. We talk all day at work and it sucks we won't have that anymore. We still text almost daily when we aren't working together, but it'll still be an adjust for us both not talking for 7-8hrs a day consistently. We help keep each other sane. But he's very happy for me and urged me to leave as soon as possible. He wants me to go far and achieve all my goals, and I feel the same about him. The office job itself is just alright, but I've definitely met some good people there. So I guess that's the biggest news - I have a new job soon. I start in a few weeks just after New Year's so hopefully 2021 will be a fresh new start for me. 2020 hasn't been great by any means, but it wasn't the worst for me personally. It had it's ups and downs, but the ups have been very up - like finally starting graduate school, paying off my car, and now scoring a seemingly perfect job. We'll see what happens, but I'm looking forward to moving onwards and upwards to infinity and beyond.

I'm also turning 25 in a matter of weeks, so that's also a thing.

I'm gonna do something a little different this time with music. This is going to be a themed list. You may or may not already know this, but I am a huge anime fan. I've watched many many anime in my time, but unfortunately don't have much time for it anymore given my busy schedule. Below I'm going to link some of my favorite opening/ending songs from anime I've seen and highly recommend. Don't worry, they're not all in Japanese. They include German, English, Russian, and Latin as well. Some are more mainstream and popular, but others you may not know. This time pay attention to the videos that accompany the music. They're my favorites not just for the music value but also for the artistry behind it as a whole. I know it's different than what I've been doing, but I've recently been vibing a lot with them so I figured I would share a little and maybe spread some anime appreciation. I linked more than I normally do, but they're all pretty short so just sit back and enjoy.

Love Live!

Gunslinger Girl

Blood+

Fullmetal Alchemist

One Piece

Bleach

Naruto

Another

Samurai Champloo

Konosuba

Death Note

Eureka 7

Elfen Lied

Attack on Titan

Lucky Star

Code Geass

FLCL

Ghost in the Shell

Paranoia Agent

Yuri on Ice

Midnight Rambler

 Another month another blog post. I keep slacking off with these for some reason. I can't say I'm particularly busy, but I guess I just get distracted easily. Graduate school has been going well thus far. I've continued to "socialize" with my cohort through our group chat and other smaller video meetings. It's nice interacting with new people, even though socializing isn't necessarily something I enjoy doing very often. We've all decided that once this pandemic is over we're all going to meet in person and throw a party and let loose. We had our first exam last week and it was extremely stressful. Some of the questions were honestly nonsense and should not have been counted, but I ended with an 86%. It isn't the best score in the world, but it also could have been much worse. In one of my other classes I have ~99% overall average which is nice to see. In general, I think I'm doing pretty well considering I'm a full time graduate student while working 3-4 jobs. However, this specific degree path isn't what I'm ultimately interested in. I'm currently studying applied behavioral analysis, which deals mostly with children with intellectual disabilities. I'm doing the program because ultimately a Master's Degree is a Master's Degree, and it gets me closer to my end goal of a PhD. While I'm not super passionate about the things I'm studying, I am working towards a higher goal which is keeping me motivated.

In my personal world, a few things have happened. I'll start off with some oral surgery I had done last week. Normally I wouldn't be so dramatic as to call it surgery, but it was intense. I needed three wisdom teeth removed and I figured it would be a straightforward process. When I got my first wisdom tooth out it took me maybe a couple days to fully recover and I was back to normal. I wasn't anticipating what this round had in store for me. They discovered that both of my bottom wisdom teeth were sitting on nerves. One of my bottom wisdom teeth was growing horizontally so there was no question that one needed to be removed. However, the other was so deep that it would require a CT scan to pinpoint where the nerve begins, and there was a decent likelihood I could end up with permanent nerve damage. I decided to keep that one in and remove only the other two. Over the next few days I was on a steady intake of oxycodone and a couple other things to keep the swelling and potential infections at bay. The right side of my face was about twice the size of my left, and had a lot of bruising from them using hammers/chisels. I also had stitches not just in my gums, but up the inside of my cheek from it having been sideways. I'm almost exactly a week post-op and I'm improving, but man do I miss normal food. I still can't open my mouth too wide and I can feel the sutures still in my cheek (although they are starting to dissolve, thank God). I also have a decent amount of bruising left and some more minor swelling inside my mouth, but I'm getting better day by day.

In other personal news, a new player has entered the game. I tried finding mentions of him in past posts but I can't seem to locate him anywhere in here. I know I must have written about him, but I'll do a brief recap. His name is Mike, and we met at my college's Catholic Club. Neither of us are particularly religious, but we had a friend in common who happened to attend the club. He and I hit it off immediately and started to hang out constantly. We would hang out at his house and smoke way too much weed and listen to music and do nothing together. We'd sit there in silence with the music playing just drinking our coffees and eating hash browns (our classic snack of choice). We would most often discuss the album art of the song we were listening to. I have a particular memory of the cover from The Rolling Stones album Let It Bleed. After a few seemingly long months, we ended up drifting apart and I was sad about it, but messaged him maybe a year or so later while high on anesthesia from getting my first wisdom tooth taken out. We talked a little more and hung out a couple times, but he ghosted me again. A couple weeks ago he sent me a message and things have been moving forward ever since. He explained some personal things that were happening a couple years ago and why he disappeared on me. I'm hopeful, but still a little cautious that he'll pull the same routine again. However, we have the same banter and energy we used to have, and this time both of us are single (Seth is still in the picture, but he and I both consider ourselves single if we meet someone new). We met up a few days before my surgery and we ate fast food in his car and caught up and poked fun at each other like we always used to do. We agreed to hang out again soon and made tentative plans to see each other after my face healed up from the surgery. I'm not completely healed, but I could still stand to see him for a while. We talk every couple of days and it continues to be banter-y and mildly flirty, but we will see where it leads. As of right now it's been a couple days and I'm waiting for him to text me first. I normally don't play those childish games of not texting first, but given the fact that he's ghosted me a couple times now I want to make sure he isn't pulling the same thing all over again. As for right now, I have hope that we can continue our friendship and maybe pick up where we left off. We were both attracted to each other and even discussed dating seriously, but nothing ever came of it. I'll definitely keep all of my hardcore fans out there updated if it develops into anything worth while.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I'll drop some music below, and I promise to try a little harder to update more often. Although my life is far from being a thrill ride, I do still want to keep the blog as updated as possible. Sometimes I think to myself that I could very well use this a decade down line to look back at the memories and all the fun (and not so fun) experiences I've had over the years. Crazy how time flies. Anyway, put on those headphones and enjoy the music. Music is always better when you just focus and listen. Maybe you need to really hear one of these songs.

Oh, It Is Love

Love Me Not

i'm so tired

Walk Alone

What's Up?

At Least I'm Not As Sad

hold you

Angels Fall

I Hope

Talk to Me

Amen

coffee

Girl, Afraid

E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE

GATTI

Tum Tum Troubles

I feel like I always say this, but things are pretty crazy right now. Graduate school definitely keeps me busy along with my various jobs. One major thing that happened was me finally paying off my car. After the damage was paid for and sorted out I made sure to transfer the rest of the money needed to pay the car completely off. It feels amazing to have a car that's 100% mine. Not a lot of 24 year olds can say that they completely own a new car. I've definitely been counting my blessing in that regard.

On a slightly different note, I've been sick for the last month or so. I started feeling extremely nauseous and under the weather but figured it was just a cold. It took me almost a week to get through it, but then I ended up getting the same kind of sickness less than 2 weeks later. I just had a doctor's appointment earlier today and he believes that the lining of my stomach is inflamed and gave me some pills to take over the next month to quell the acidity as to prevent any ulcers from forming. He took a ton of blood and is also testing for various other things like my gallbladder, pancreas, and kidneys. It'll be a few days until we get the results but I'm hoping the pills will treat the inflammation and I won't have another flare up. I fell behind on school work the first time I got sick so I can't afford that right now.

It's almost midterm week for my classes and I'm definitely feeling the pressure. I've been doing perfectly by way of assignments and quizzes, but having a full test is a completely different beast to tackle. Some of the material is incredibly confusing and dense, while other material is common sense. It's difficult to mediate the two and feel confident in my knowledge. My anxiety is definitely acting up and I'm extra glad that I have both a xanax prescription and some (medical) marijuana. I smoke every night just to cool off after my busy days. Today was technically a day off for me, but I was still running around to my doctor's appointment followed by two back to back lab meetings then driving to the pharmacy to get my prescription, then completing and submitted an assignment a week early so I can enjoy my weekend. I really want to have a weekend where I don't have to worry about deadlines and due dates and bullshit. I'll still be studying and putting some work in, but I need some time to just stop and breathe. A possible cause of my stomach issues could be stress. Way back in December when I had a full CBC done they found that my stress levels were potentially causing internal physiological problems. I've always worked myself to the limit and beyond, and it sucks because my body can't keep up with what I need it to do. I try to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night to offset the stress but it still gets to me. Seth and Josh both worry about me working too much, but I enjoy it. Keeping busy allows me to distract myself from the depression I tend to get. I'm on an antidepressant but pills don't always hold the golden ticket to happiness. Tonight is one of those nights where I need to smoke, relax, and let me mind slip away to another place without anxiety or stress. I've been meaning to get back into yoga, so maybe I'll try some poses and get nice and zen, then sleep for 9 hours.

These aren't necessarily songs I find relaxing, but more so just fun and enjoyable. I may or may not have danced around in the kitchen to some of these gliding in my socks. As always, I'm hoping to introduce you to new music, whether it's a new artist or just a new song you've never heard before. Put on your headphones and enjoy.

Good Day

Love Me Like That

Au Revoir

Validation

Save You

Acquired Taste

Put Your Hands on My Body

Bitter

virgo

Paris

feel something

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Harley Shirt

Wild Woman

Roses

Odla

 It's been exactly a month since my last post, and a lot has happened. Emotionally I'm feeling better. I opted to keep his ashes and requested a clay paw print. It took about a week and half for him to be ready, and I was completely fine driving there. The day had been spent with Seth, then running various errands on the way home. When the vet tech handed me the purple bag with his things inside through my car window and I politely said thank you and she went back inside the building. I took a look at the bag and started to cry. I thought I was emotionally ok, but I guess I had some sorrows repressed down to keep myself afloat. I sat in the car and talked to him for a few minutes and had a little crying session. Then I told myself to buck up and continue my errands. For now I have him in a small box wrapped in purple paper, and his clay paw print still in the bag. I don't have my own room quite yet, so I haven't figured out a display for it or if I even want to keep it out in the open. I'm still emotional as I write this, but everything heals in due time.

As for another aspect of my life, I started graduate school. It's been intimidating, scary, and confusing at times. However, pretty much my entire cohort has a group chat where we discuss classes and professors and assignments. We help each other out and give support and encouragement when needed. Overall, I'm happy. I wouldn't say there's been a copious amount of work, but it's enough to keep me busy at times. I reduced my hours to part time and it feels strange having days off. I technically have three days off per week and it's unusual. I'm accustomed to having maybe one day a week, if any. I've gone over a month without a single day off because of how much I work. For most people having days off would be relaxing and pleasant, but for me I feel like I'm not doing enough or working to my full potential. I guess maybe you'd say I'm a workaholic, but I enjoy keeping busy. Luckily, I have the ability to keep myself busy with school work now. Being able to sleep in has felt amazing and I genuinely do enjoy that aspect. I tend to do most of my work at night so it feels nice not having to give myself a bed time so I could start work early the next morning. I'm still getting used to doing homework and having deadlines, but thus far I have all perfect scores except one 90%. I think I'm doing well, but it's only been a few weeks. I had to purchase a giant dry erase calendar just to keep track of all my assignments and quizzes and paper deadlines. Grad school isn't easy, but it also isn't as difficult as I first thought.

Another major event that happened concerned my car. I went to leave my house last weekend only to find that my entire driver's side had been badly damaged from someone side swiping it. I ended up not using my insurance to keep a clean record and had to pay $2k out of pocket. Luckily I have money to fall back on that's tied up in investments and the stock market. The last couple months have treated me well, so I felt comfortable taking some of the money. The silver lining to paying for the damage was that I decided while I was moving money around I may as well take out enough to pay the entire car off. I'm extremely fortunate to have the means to pay off a car at my age, but that isn't to say I didn't work for it. I was able to pay off most of my car loan through just my paychecks from my full time office job. However, with me cutting down to part time hours and still having to pay insurance every month was getting too expensive for me to handle on a part time paycheck. The money is officially in the process of transferring as I write this, and this time next week the title of the car will be solely in my name. The car will no longer be half mine and half the bank's. Now that it is (almost) paid off, I plan on starting to save my money and contributing more to my IRA. I know it might sound silly to be contributing to a retirement fund while still in my early 20's, but I guess this is how you become an adult. As a side note, I've also started to sprout several grey hairs that just seem to be multiplying. Weirdly enough, I don't care. I think it's actually kind of cool to be honest. So yeah, that's my life right now. Slowly but surely becoming an "adult". Some days are better than others, but 2020 has been quite the trip.

Here are some songs to hopefully get your minds off things. Just keep in mind that when things feel like they can't get worse, they always can. Count your blessings and stay grateful for every thing and every one you love. Always remember - "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success."

you broke me first

Dissolve

Don't Forget About Me

Small Worlds

I don't care you

Lonely

Uncomfortable

Reckless

Rain & Fire

Feeling Good

Sunset on Venus

Let Me Cry

Daydream

Quarantine

Your look (Glorious)

F2020

This is a difficult feeling to confront, but I want to at least get some of it out of my head and my heart. Anyone that knows me knows that I love cats. I have two of them, Stoney and Muffin. We had to put Stoney to sleep on Saturday and I'm emotionally wrecked. I had spent almost a week with Seth and was sad to leave his house. I ended up crying in his arms because I was so sad to leave. But then I got home and was told that Stoney wasn't doing well health wise and that the vet recommended he be put down. We all agreed that it was time. He was about 14 years old and lived a good life. We found a mass in his abdomen a couple years ago but he's been receiving medications twice a day that my mom and I would administer. All things considered he did extremely well and responded to the meds for a long time. But sometimes enough is enough. Pretty much as soon as I left the house he stopped eating and drinking. He started vomiting and pooping all over the place, which was extremely out of character. He was always the typical neat cat that constantly groomed him and took pride in his appearance. He had the softest tummy fur I've ever felt. So we knew that something was wrong. My parents didn't tell me when I was away because they wanted me to enjoy my time and have fun. I appreciate it a lot but I also hate it. I wanted to be there for his last days but I wasn't. I keep telling myself that it's for the best and he wouldn't want me seeing him like that. I came home on a Friday only to find out we had appointment not even 24 hours later to put him down. I spent as much time as I could with him. I brought him upstairs so we could sleep together one last time. He slept on the corner of the bed and I kept looking at him hoping that tomorrow he would be normal again and we could call it off. Of course that was completely unrealistic, but it was a fleeting sense of hope. I spent his last day working right next to him. It was inconvenient and not the most comfortable, but I wanted him to know I was there and that I loved him. I cried a bit during the day but sucked it up. Eventually we went to the vet and it happened. I held him in a fluffy blue blanket and snuggled him close so he knew I was with him. I made sure to gently stroke his head until he went. It's extremely hard putting him down because he's been like an emotional support animal for me for over a decade. He's been my best friend for a very long time. When we came home I took the small blanket my mom had knit for him and threw it in the trash. Not 5 minutes later I took it out and put it up in my room. It still has his fur all over it and smells like him. I keep it next to me in bed because it's comforting in a way. I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I still have my other cat, but I think she's figured out by now that he's no longer in the house. It breaks my heart. I haven't had a truly intense crying session yet because I know I'm repressing things. I don't want to face the reality of him never coming back. I'll never wake up in the night to him sleeping on my head or hear his grumbly meows when he was hungry. I'm starting to fall into a depression and I can feel it. I'm having a hard time eating and drinking, and showering is also difficult. I find myself staring off into nowhere completely unaware of what I was even thinking about. I want to move on as painlessly as possible but it's so difficult. I don't want to forget him, but I also don't want to harbor sadness for the rest of my life. This whole depression thing may sound blown out of proportion or overly dramatic, but anyone who's had to put a pet down will understand. It's traumatic, and it's something I'm working through. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Saturday to hopefully get a little help with things. In the mean time I'll only drop one song because it embodies exactly how I feel right now.

F2020

All the While

I was able to get quality time with Seth this week and I'm loving it. I had to get COVID tested for his parents to feel comfortable with me being over, but I did what I had to do. I've been here for a few days now and will be here for a little while longer. Seth and I were tired of keeping our distance with each other and missed being able to be truly ourselves with each other. We love snuggling up in bed watching Twilight Zone just talking and hanging out, and that's not something we've been able to do since March 9th. He was outside his house the second I pulled up so he could greet me. He picked me up and we spun around and kissed, and it was magical. I finally saw his family close up again along with their dogs. All three dogs were extremely happy to see me again and wanted to be pet and loved. I'm here for 6 full days and I haven't been this happy in a long while. I'm still working during the day, but Seth always sleeps late so it allows me to concentrate. Although, I do look back at him a lot while I work. Even now I can hear his subtle snoring, and it's soothing. We both finish work at 5pm and that's when we usually fool around and maybe watch a movie until dinner is ready. I've always enjoyed eating dinner with his family. They make great food and conversation. His twin sister and I get along particularly well. Usually once dinner is over we all settle in for a movie. They're a very big movie family and know more about older movies than anyone I've ever met. You could name any movie before 1960 and both Seth and his dad would be able to name actors, directors, producers, and awards won. It's incredible to watch the two of them banter about movies. It always makes me smile and it's one of the things I love most about Seth. He shows me new movies and things I've never been exposed to before and can tell me all sorts of trivia about them.

I think my favorite part about being here is that we can touch each other. He likes to hold my hand when we watch movies and pulls me close when we sleep together. It's a great feeling to be held and cherished by someone you love. I can feel how he envelopes me and I melt when he whispers that he loves me. Just last night I fell asleep in his arms while watching Star Trek together and I heard him whisper how he loved me and how cute looked wrapped around his arm. He has a hard time sleeping most nights so sometimes I'll be nudged awake when he moves around. I always fall back asleep but sometimes I hear him softly saying sweet words under his breath while stroking my hair as I drift back to sleep. I never want this mini vacation to end. I feel like I took our time together for granted back before the pandemic. We spent a lot of time (literally) sleeping together and I somewhat regret that. He says that I annoy him at night when sleeping because sometimes I touch his face or lightly run my hand down his back. I never mean to wake him, I just want to take in as much as I can because I know the moment I leave I'll want one more hug and one more kiss. Just one more minute with him. Leaving him was never easy, but now it'll be extra hard because neither of us knows when it'll happen again. Sure, I'll come over for walks outside but we keep our distance and never touch and have our masks on. With grad school starting in a few weeks I won't have time to come over for long periods like this so for now we'll be indefinitely separated once I leave. I'm getting ahead of myself and shouldn't get sad when I'm still with him. I'm looking at him now sleeping curled up under the covers softly snoring and it makes me smile. I love him so much.

These song choices are a little different. These are all from movies Seth has shown me. Normally I try to avoid posting music videos so you can focus solely on the music, but this time the context of a video is important. So sit back, listen, and watch. Maybe you'll find something you like and want to watch yourself.

Springtime for Hitler

Get Together Weather

Born in a Trunk

Good Morning

Maybe This Time

A Whale of a Tale

Flying Trapeze

Black Pearl

Things are starting to feel more real for me. I met my graduate school cohort this week and it was nice. It was a video call orientation including 3 professors/doctors with whom we'll be working for the duration of our MA's. My cohort consists of about 20 other people. Not many of us spoke, but there was an ongoing chat during the meeting where we could ask questions. At the end of the call someone from my cohort put her email in the chat and told people to email her our numbers so we could establish a big group chat. I emailed her immediately and was added to the chat shortly thereafter. I was the first one, but there are about 4 or 5 of us total now. We talked briefly about what classes we're each taking and if people would be interested in a hang out. It was nice getting to talk to people who are in the same boat. We're all new to graduate school and are pretty anxious and nervous about it. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more and working closely when classes start. Talking to them also brought up the thought of how lucky I was to be in this pool of people. I was selected for a specialized MA program at a very respected school. I'm one of only 20 people in my cohort. Graduate schools are so competitive and difficult to get into, which I've learned first hand by being rejected twice already. The fact that I was chosen out of hundreds and hundreds of applicants is insane. I'm positive that I didn't have the highest scores or super competitive grades. Yet, they chose me. It's just an odd realization to have hit you so suddenly.

I got my nails done today for the first time since going into quarantine. I was ordered to medically quarantine before my city got shut down, so by the time my quarantine was over the city's quarantine was just beginning. That was March 11th. I'll never forget that date because it's the last date that my life was normal. The last time I wore my work security ID around my neck. The last time I struggled to find parking at my office.

The last time I stopped by Seth's work (which is only 10 minutes from my office). The last time I grabbed an iced coffee on my lunch break. The last time I saw most of my coworkers. Now everything is different. My only means of communication with my coworkers is through our internal chat systems. Laughing emojis and stupid client stories are different when you're typing it out. Normally we would send IM's then look at each other across the cubicles and laugh together. It's sad, and I miss them a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting my nails done made me feel a fleeting sense if normalcy. I was able to pick a sparkly girly color and talk to my nail tech and listen to the ladies gossip. It was comforting. I can't stop looking at my nails because I'm so accustomed to them being naked. Now they're blue, they're shiny, and they're extra sparkly. Sometimes all it takes is something stupid like a pretty manicure to motivate someone to keep going and hold out hope.

Here's the beloved music section. I always recommend headphones because my personal favorite is to let myself disappear into the music. You block everything out and just focus on the music and the feelings it brings you.

Changing Shapes

Alive

Go Away

Side by Side

Time

Honey

Carolina in My Mind

Blame it on You

Cold War

Happy

Mystery of Love

American Woman

Sue Me

Ring

On Your Mind

Imminent Horizons

The last few weeks have been an adventure. The construction is finally over and we couldn't be more excited. I'm hoping to be moved in to my own room again by next weekend. I'm very much looking forward to and having some privacy some smoke and chill at the end of the day and sleeping in a bed at night. The new space is going to be bigger and have more solitude, which is something I've wanted for years. It's going to take a while until it'll be able to be painted and decorated how I would like it, but for now I'm just grateful to have a bedroom of my own.

My work life is thriving since I started working with a new client at my full time job. The company holds weekly competitions to see who is the most productive. It's pretty much just a ploy to get us to work harder for that period of time, but I like being an overachiever so I've made sure to place top 5 in the entire company, and top 3 in my office. The client is pleased with my performance and so are my bosses. I was invited to a company-wide operations meeting to congratulate me on the achievement. As an analyst, quality and accuracy make up a lot of my job. The company aims to have all of us at 90% accuracy and I'm currently working at 96% accuracy performing ~225% of the work expected of me (when I'm actually putting effort in). So within a month of working independently for my new client I'm outperforming people who have been with the same client for years. It feels good to overachieve and get recognition.

As for my research jobs I've also taken on a larger role. I've been helping to train new research assistants every weekend, and recently got a new group. So now I generate quizzes for each group, see how they do, and meet with them all to review and further train. The whole process usually takes up to ~3-5hrs per week but I enjoy it. I like working with them and interacting with people outside of my house, and I've always enjoyed training the new assistants in the past when the lab was still open.

My personal life is a little more bleak. I own two cats, and my older one hasn't been in good health since the construction started. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but he's my best friend and I'm afraid of losing him. He's anxious and doesn't like change (like me), so when the construction started he ended up losing several pounds and is now extremely skinny. According to bloodwork we had done he may have leukemia but we won't know for sure unless we do more extensive testing. We wouldn't put him through chemo or anything so there's no point in taking that route. Prior to this he was already taking two different medications for a thyroid issue, so he has a bit of a medical history. We plan on bringing him back in a couple weeks to figure out a plan, and possibly have it be a palliative care situation. I'm sure it's excruciatingly boring to listen to me ramble on about a cat, but he really is my world and my best friend. It was absolutely crush me when he leaves me forever, but I try not to think about it.. I love my other cat too, but he and I have a special connection. My other cat is completely healthy in case you were wondering - just a morbidly obese calico.

Graduate school is also on the horizons. I'm meeting my graduate cohort next week, which are the people you'll be going through the program with. Since it's a small pool of people it's easy to get to know everyone. A cohort is important to connect with because you can study and work on projects together since you're all in the same classes and/or area of study. I'm very nervous about meeting them because I want to make a good impression. It is via video chat and there will be various people who are presenting/speaking on what the program and first semester will entail, so I'm hoping I personally won't have to talk too much. Either way it's both exciting and extremely nerve-racking.

Hopefully I'll be able to write a little more from the heart next time but for now I figured I'd at least provide a little update. I didn't mean to abandon ship for a month, but life happens. I very much enjoy writing so I really should force myself to write a little bit more often.

Here are some songs, per usual. Most of them are upbeat songs, and some are from a playlist I listen to while I drive. I figured why not sprinkle in some personal favorites, ya know?

I'm Blue

Yoko Ono

Story of My Life

Honeybee

High

Sky Walker

She Knows

Arm and Hammer

I Know

Money Longer

Right By My Side

I Mean It

Backseat Freestyle

Bonfire

How to Hate

Hop and Smoop

I don't have much solitude or space to really write these days. Having constant construction being done is insane. I've spent many mornings sleeping on a recliner in my basement because I wanted just an extra hour and a half of sleep before work and that's the only place out of the way and quiet enough to do so. Needless to say, my back and neck are not doing well with sleeping on couches and chairs, but it's a means to an end.

Last weekend I saw Leo and it was very nice. He showed me around his new apartment and I think it's perfect for someone like him. We went to Walmart after I got there because he needed certain things for around the house. For once, my "female" nature shone through with helping him pick furniture and gather necessities. We got back to his place and I set up the garbage cans (where previously he had none) while he made us some food. We both drank a little while playing a sex trivia board game his mom had given him as a joke. While drinking and playing the game we also had on terrible hentai in the background to laugh at. I drank a little more than I had intended - about 3-4 shots worth. He wanted me to sleep over but I had work to do the next morning so I couldn't. We ended up watching a stupid movie to sober up and we actually made out for a couple minutes. It isn't something that I sought out, but also not something I fought. He drove me home only to realize that I had left my keys on his couch. Luckily, my brother was up and able to let me in at 2am. I still have yet to get my keys back but it isn't too much of a hurry.

By way of work I believe I'm excelling. I'm still in the training phase of things, but I think I'm doing better than my partner. I've established a good rapport with my supervisor and seem to be answering questions appropriately. Most of my days have consisted of 5-6hrs of conference calls with myself on mute while I scroll through social media or text my friends or make myself food. We'll see how it progresses but I'm trying to set the ground work to be an assertive go-getter, and I believe I'm achieving it. Office life is just a game, and you need to know how to play the game to win it. By being assertive you demonstrate that you're there to win and take what's yours. People respect that. I was just described earlier as being "a leader in [my] field". Once again, I'm the laziest overachiever you will ever meet. However, that seems to be working for me. I'm feeling a little mentally exhausted because I don't have a refuge at the end of my day where I can just relax and be alone. I don't mind sleeping on couches with my brother, and I'm actually enjoying hanging out every night since pre-quarantine I was never home. But having my own space again is much anticipated. I still have another couple weeks until I'll be moving back into a room of my own, but when I do move it'll be the best night's sleep of my life.

Here are some songs, per usual. I don't know if anyone caught on, but I've been leaving music in my posts for years now. I'd leave them in hyperlinks on certain words, usually relating to the song itself. Most of the time it was a song that described my mood or the topic of the post. I'm just curious if anyone actually realized I was doing that. Anyway, here is the promised musical relief.

Pursuit of Happiness

Those Eyes (Chapter 1)

Alone

IDK You Yet

Aspen Forest

The Night I Met You

Apparently

Myself

A Drop in the Ocean

Gone Again

Better Than Me

Another Day

Kickin' Pushin'

Worst Way

Start Again

Rebirth

I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately but things are changing. I'm currently in the process of packing everything I own into boxes. I'm finding things I haven't thought about in literal years. It's a reminder of how much has changed over the years, even since just the beginning of my undergraduate college career. It's been a major nostalgia trip since I started sifting through my things. It also has shown me just how much stuff I own. It's astonishing how many hoodies and tshirts I own, meanwhile I seem to always wear the same handful of things on rotation. Since it's been so hot lately I've been wearing shorts around the house and I forgot how long my hair is. It actually touches the back of my knees so it tickles sometimes when I'm walking around. In an attempt to break out of my normal "uniform" of a tshirt to go grocery shopping and I decided to try a crop top sweater I inherited from Josh's mom. It fit perfectly and I actually liked how it looked on me, so maybe I'll try to branch out more often when it comes to trying new clothing styles. I'm also finding a lot of dresses and skirts that I hardly ever wear. They're all cute and very flattering, but I'd just prefer to wear jeans or leggings to work. Before quarantine began I'd show up to my office in massively oversized hoodies and sweatpants and no one cared. I still count myself lucky being able to work for such a relaxed company. I'm actually starting my training on Monday with the new client and I'm looking forward to it. My new supervisor seems to have a stick up his ass which is extremely opposite of what my prior supervisor was like, but I guess I'll adjust eventually. The extra money will lessen that annoyance in time.

Circling back to my personal life for a moment, I'm excited to get out of the room I've been in for a decade and into something new. It'll take about a month for things to be done but once it's all pieced together it'll be amazing. I'll be moving to the upper floor into a finished attic. It has much more space, privacy, and storage for my various items and clothing. I've been dreaming about it for years since my mom suggested it and it's finally happening. It'll be a headache to be displaced for so long, but I think it'll be worth it. It feels like the start of something bigger and better. I'm moving into a new space, starting graduate school in a matter of months, and am well on my way to paying off my car in under 2yrs. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am in the big picture of life but it's a work in progress. I figured by now I'd already have a graduate degree and a serious relationship and possibly even a place of my own. But life happens and plans oftentimes don't actually happen at the pace we would like. While I'm not totally happy with where I am, I'm still optimistic about what's to come. I work my ass off at several different jobs just so I can have a better future for myself and hopefully do the things I've dreamed of since I was a kid. I want a graduate degree, a job I love, a serious partner to settle down with, and a promising future. I know everything comes in due time so I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have, and instead on what I do have.

On another note, things with Seth and I have been a little tense. We try to see each other once a week but he's extremely strict with keeping distance and always wearing a mask around each other. He refuses to loosen up with things and to some extent I get it. His parents are older and therefore more susceptible to getting the virus in a severe way. However, things seem to be on the decline and we're in the early "phases" of opening the city back up again. I want him to finally relax and at least allow me to hold his hand or just touch him. I haven't had actual contact with him going on 3 months, and it sucks. It goes beyond just attraction. I want to feel loved and see that sweet side of him who loves to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss my head. I would forgo the sexual aspect of things just to have a day where I could hug him again. I miss how he feels and smells and breathes. I miss crawling into his bed and taking a nap together or putting on our favorite show to watch together. I miss drinking peach Snapple in his bed after having sex. It's the stupid little things that really do mean the most, and I miss them all. I feel like he isn't willing to relax even the slightest bit because he's so paranoid. I keep telling him that there's a difference between caution and paranoia, but it does nothing but aggravate him which in turn aggravates me. Right now we haven't really spoken in a couple days. It's partially because I've been so busy packing and moving, but it's also because our conversations always seem to loop back around to us missing each other and me telling him he needs to relax with the restrictions. I wouldn't say we've fought about it, but there's been lingering tension that neither one of us knows how to solve. He thinks I'm foolish and I think he's paranoid. It's something that we've agreed to disagree on, but it's still causing problems. I don't know when I'll actually be able to be with him again in a normal setting. When I was over last weekend I saw his sister for the first time since quarantine and it was nice. Along with her came one of their dogs who is the sweetest and doofiest bulldog I've ever met, but she can still be rather intimidating when she wants to be. She immediately ran up to me because she was so excited to see me after so long. I still have yet to see the other two dogs they have, but at least seeing her for a while made me happy. I suppose over all it isn't an ideal situation, but really none of this is. Quarantine is driving people insane, and so are the recent world events. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing and on fire (literally), but it'll pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.

Here's the oh-so-loved music section. We all need a bit of an escape right now so I'll throw in a few bonus songs on top of the bonus songs I've already been posting. Hopefully 15 songs is enough to keep your minds busy for a little while.

T.O. (I recommend the whole album but this is my personal favorite)

Cherry

Look for the Good

She Talks to Angels

If the World Was Ending

Drip Drop

Cologne

Caroline

Heartless

Broken Clocks

Anti-Depressant

Ragrets

Pills, Drugs, Alcohol

Never Be Like You

Stars (one of my favorite songs of all time)

Lycka

I've felt a lot like writing lately. Maybe it's because I'm feeling inspired, or because there's just a lot going on. A couple days age I went to a drive-by parade for Josh's law school graduation. He's been down about it for a while since the official ceremony has been cancelled given the current state of things. I took Leo with me and we had a good time on our little road trip. We arrived just early enough to decorate my car with balloons and write some things on the side. It was nice seeing familiar faces out there. His sister is pregnant again and it's the first time I've seen her since they found out. I also saw the little munchkins I refer to as my own nephews since that's how I truly feel about them. Even after Josh and I broke up they still call me their aunt. Soon I'll have a brand new baby nephew and I'm excited. After the parade we pulled over and I talked to Josh for a bit, hugged, then left with Leo. He and I stopped by a Sonic and bought copious amounts of unhealthy food and ice cream. We sat there just eating and talking and enjoying the time we had together. After we were done we hit the road and headed home. Over all it was a very nice time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
The reality of being an adult is also starting to settle in. It just hit me the other day that I actually own a vehicle of my own. It's mine and no one else's. I pay the insurance, gas, maintenance, and loan payments. My last loan payment was $1.4k and I want to keep throwing money at it until I'm finished. My goal is to be completely done with it by the end of this year. It's going to require some hustling but I think I can do it if I work hard enough. Another event that makes me feel more "mature" is officially getting enrolled in graduate classes. I have my official schedule for the upcoming semester and couldn't be happier. I'm excited to be around like-minded people who are in school to better themselves and further their educations. My research coordinator at the lab forwarded me some of her slides and notes from the classes she took since we're both in the same program, but at different times. I also found out that my parents have been continuously putting money in my college fund, unbeknownst to me. That means that all of my MA will be covered, and some of my PhD as well. I feel extremely lucky as to not have debt right out of college. I know how fortunate I am and don't intend on wasting time like I did in undergrad. Everything feels like it's finally coming together. All the bumps in the road and hoops I had to jump through finally added up to something tangible. Now it's time to just focus on the road ahead of me and live my life to the fullest (once this quarantine mess is over).

I think I'm going to put more music this time. I have an overflow of songs on layaway so why not give a few bonus songs this time? All of the songs I leave in my posts are ones that I genuinely like or relate to, and I hope you feel the same way.

Tired

Banana Pancakes

Get You Right

Young Love

Always

Blueprint

Paradise

Cradles

Dear Maria, Count Me In

All Alright

True Neutral

I've been in a good mood lately. I'm thinking it's because of the social interactions I've had recently. I never thought a social distancing hang out would be fun or appealing. I see Seth once a week now if weather permits, which is always a nice time. It was a perfect day yesterday and we spent the day walking and talking and partially fooling around with a remote toy. I'll spare the details. I've also been putting in more effort to see Leo. He and I are seeing each other in a few days for a drive-by parade that I'm hoping will be fun. We'll probably be together for at least a few hours so I'm sure we'll have time to laugh and talk like we always do. Life is so different now, but I'm beginning to cope.

In other news, my work life has picked up. I've taken over the research lab's website and became an admin for our social medias. The website was the most difficult to get used to since it requires knowledge of computer coding. I spent a couple days poking around the site and got myself familiar enough with it where I could actually edit the code myself. I still don't know much, but at least I know the basics of web design and computer coding. I have no idea when/if those skills will ever be helpful, but learning a new skillset gives you an advantage over others, so why not? At my full time analytics job they tried to play me and take advantage of me. My company works with many clients and we each have our respective "projects". I personally have 2 clients which I share with 2 respective teams. I make a small amount over minimum wage, but barely. They tried to give me a new client who is notoriously one of the worst we have (we have 200+ clients) and not even tell me about it personally. So I demanded a meeting with the president of operations to ask him what his problem was. He said that everyone in the office fights over me because I'm good at my job and that's why they want me so badly with this client. They know I can learn quickly and adapt to any changes they might throw our way. While it was nice to hear him compliment me, I knew he was just trying to sweet talk me into not questioning it further. I told him I would take the new client if I got a decent raise. He said he didn't have the authority to do that, so I told him I wouldn't do it otherwise. I knew he was in a bad position because he either needed to retract from my name from the client (which reflects terribly on our company) or somehow get me a raise. Less than an hour later I was informed that I'm approved for a raise. The raise is significant enough where it'll give me $150+ per month, which I'm satisfied with. This is the second raise I've gotten in the last 4 months so clearly I'm doing something right. I try not to involve political things here, but I have to call out the "wage gap" for a second. I wanted more money so I worked for it. I didn't compare myself to anyone else and cried in the corner when I didn't stack up. I worked hard and I took what was rightfully mine. I had the balls to get a meeting with the president of operations for an international company, call him out for his unprofessionalism, and demand a raise. And guess what. It worked. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but if you as a female are making less than someone else doing the same job it's your responsibility to change it. If you don't have the confidence and perseverance to change your situation then that's a personal problem. I know what my time and energy is worth, and it certainly isn't minimum wage. I have 0 pity for the whiny females out there. Buck up or leave.

Some songs for the soul include the following. I'm still deciding on if I should group music by themes or just randomly sprinkle things around. I kind of like the music roulette game of just dropping 5 totally different songs. Will it be happy, angry, sad, hardcore, or country? Variety is the spice of life.

Me and Mr. Jones

Nervous

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Medicine

Think About Things

Red Hook

Last night I saw Leo again. We were intending to just drive around and hang out since we enjoyed it so much last weekend. It was my turn to drive so I finished work and picked him up. He had a conference call with some people so he was talking to them for the first hour and a half or so. It was funny listening to it, so I didn't mind. I was driving aimlessly listening to the conference call and talking to him when he had his mic muted. Eventually the call ended and we drove on aimlessly. We ended up by Seth's house completely by accident. As soon as I realized where we were I tried to avoid his house because it would feel odd driving by being so close to him, without him even knowing. But we talked and laughed and completely lost track of time. He and I are both pretty positive that we've gotten the virus already so that's why we're so lax with each other. I told him to put on some music so he was looking through my expansive library of music and putting on whatever he thought would be good/interesting. It was an eclectic mix of everything, but it somehow worked as good background music. At one point I turned the volume all the up and we were both belting out a song at the top of our lungs just living in the moment. Before we knew it it was midnight. We grabbed some pizza at a locally famous pizzeria and ate in my car. We talked about all sorts of things and enjoyed each other's company, as we always do. Eventually I dropped him off and headed home myself. I wasn't intending on being out so late, but time really does fly when you're having fun. It was a little past 1am when I finally got home and I was feeling the happiest I had felt in a while. It felt amazing to not have to be home at a certain time or under some other kind of constraints. I'd like it to be a more regular thing since it's so difficult to meet up when life is normal. We both have multiple jobs and work opposite schedules so finding time is nearly impossible. He really is one of my best friends and I miss him so much when we go such a long time without seeing each other. I hope that once things are normal again we can maybe continue these drives long into the night. He's protective and loves me, so I know he wouldn't put me in any compromising positions if we ended up somewhere sketchy or we got into an accident. He's one of the very few people I trust wholeheartedly. It was a nice night and a fun time with someone I hold dear. I just hope we can continue the tradition once this is all over.

Here are some of the songs that were played during our drive. Some of them we both screeched along to at the top of our lungs. Hopefully someone out there enjoys them as much as did.

One Day More

RICHMAN

Jack and Diane

Pull Me Deep

Shoots and Ladders

Mask Off

The last few days have been amazing. I've been working with the head of the graduate department on getting me registered for my first graduate classes. It's starting to sink in a little more that I'm not just daydreaming about getting in or saying things like "When I get into grad school...". I saw Seth on Saturday and it was great. We kept our distance in accordance with the CDC and all that jazz, but it was nice just to see him. We walked around his local park for a bit and it was nice. He lives in a "rich"-er area than most so his neighborhood isn't crowded and the park is always perfect. After getting tired of walking we headed back to his house where we sat in his nice backyard talking. A close family friend of his ended up dropping by and we all sat in the yard talking. She's like his second mother and is incredibly smart. She's a doctor who teaches medicine for a prestigious school and has her own research lab conducting every kind of study you can imagine. When Seth brought up the fact that I got into graduate school she was very happy for me. It was an odd experience discussing graduate school in such a way that was actually tangible instead of just a thought or wishful thinking. We decided that I needed to come over and visit more often, so I'll hopefully do just that.
The next day I had an impromptu meeting with Leo. I hadn't seen him since September so we decided to meet at a park by his house. We walked around for about an hour and a half but got sick of the crowds. He had bought a car just a matter of weeks ago so he showed me the car and we decided to go for a ride. I know the rule is 6ft with masks on, but we put the windows down and took our masks off. We talked and laughed and poked fun at each other like we always do. He's one of those people where even though you don't see them for months at a time you can pick up right where you left off as if nothing happened. We talked a lot about his new job. He's an engineer so he decided that the regular 9-to-5 wasn't for him. He works on a rig over the border in a different state. He seems to love it and genuinely enjoy it. He's also taken up work as volunteer EMS. He's had training in many areas throughout his life so it doesn't surprise me that he wants to implement that training when it's needed. He's in the middle of completing all of his certifications but he's actively working shifts on his ambulance. It worries me that he's out there potentially being exposed to lord knows what, but it's fulfilling for him and seems to make him happy. I know it probably wasn't the smartest decision to ride in a car with him without wearing a mask, but I just needed to feel normal for a bit. Just cruising around feeling the sun on my face and breeze through my hair while laughing and letting go for a little while. We decided that we should try to make more time for each other because we miss kicking around together. We were only together for about 4 hours, but it was a great 4 hours.
Being with Leo also brought some feelings to the surface. As we were talking about our jobs and lives in general it hit me that we're adults, which is horrifying. We have cars, work full time jobs, and get annoyed at the sight of high school kids. He holds the title of an EMS first responder as well as an engineer on a large vessel. I have the title of an analytics consultant along with being a research assistant at a developmental neuropsychology lab as well as a biologically based psychosocial lab at a hospital. Anyone hearing those job titles would think we were adults. In the grand scheme of things I suppose I am an adult, but I definitely don't feel like it. I'm just now learning how to make spaghetti and meatballs. I ordered a harness for my cat so I could walk her outside like a dog. I sleep with stuffed animals every night. I thoroughly enjoy anime conventions. I keep a small stock pile of candy in my car. So much about me is questionable in the sense of being an adult. I'm turning 25 next year and that's going to be a rude awakening.

I think I'm going to continue to throw some music at the end of my posts - most likely only 5 at a time to really digest all of them. I feel like it's a good way to maybe introduce you to something/someone you've never heard before. Maybe it'll inspire you or motivate you to do something. I've always found music to be powerful, and hopefully you do too. As always, I'll recommend headphones and/or a quiet place to truly focus on the music.

Suzanne

Father Ocean

All Love

Show Me Love

Ashes of Eden

Here Comes the Sun

It's almost 6am and I have yet to sleep at all. I've been high as a kite for hours which usually lulls me to sleep, but tonight is different. I got news earlier today (or yesterday I guess?) that I've been accepted into my first choice graduate school. I'm a very hectic mix of relieved, overjoyed, and anxious as hell. I've talked about graduate school for pretty much a decade at this point and never took no for an answer after getting rejected twice from two different schools. Now I have acceptances from more than one program. I've been tossing and turning for hours watching stupid YouTube videos to "celebrate" and relax. Since I'm so restless, I decided to just fill out the enrollment forms online to set everything in stone. The next step is to contact my assigned advisor and go from there for the class registrations.

I'm going out with my coworker on Sunday for a social distancing hang out. We're going to get fast food in our separate cars then drive back to his house and camp out in our cars eating and talking on the phone. It sounds like a stupid idea, but we miss each other a lot and we really have become good friends. I really can't wait for the day where we can eat chicken nuggets in my car and talk about office gossip or watch a funny video or just confide in each other about whatever stresses we're going through. I haven't seen a friend in person for almost 2 months now besides a quick trip to the office a few weeks ago. The only thing really helping me right now is knowing that once this is over I'll be on my way to fulfilling the dreams I've had for so long. I've waited over 24 years for this opportunity, so I think I can be patient for another few months. 2020 will be one hell of a year to explain to my grandkids some day.

Bonus Content

Here are some songs I've been enjoying lately. We're all a little bored right now so why not share a little music and maybe expand someone's horizons? I tried to keep my suggestions away from main stream bands or songs so we can all discover a bit of new music. All I ask is that you give them a chance and really listen. Just put on a pair of headphones and disappear into the music for a bit. Maybe I'll post more next time if I think this was still a fun idea when I'm sober.

Orchid

La Player

Dirtbag Baby

not ur friend

The Approaching Curve

Familiarity

Mind

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

I Got the Blues

Stars

Hej Hej

I keep saying this, but so much can change in such sort periods of time. I finished my medical quarantine last week and it feels amazing to get out of my house. However, things are limited as to what you can or where you can go because of the virus. It's gotten to the point of supermarkets rationing things like eggs, toilet paper, and even cat food. It feels great to get out of my house for a bit to do grocery shopping or general errands. I'm still wearing a mask whenever I leave the house, and my mom is trying to convince me to wear gloves while shopping. I think gloves are a bit pointless and wasteful, but I guess it makes some people feel better. This city-wide quarantine needs to be over already. I know it's for the best but so many people are going crazy, including myself. I'm used to working four jobs and now I barely work one. I went into a bit of a depression because I've lost my crutch. I usually work all the time to avoid thinking or really feeling anything deep. I don't like thinking about certain things and would rather focus all of my energy on work. I use weed every night to help me relax at night and get to sleep a little easier because I tend to be more anxious at night.

I got news today that for some reason made my anxiety worse. I got an email today from my second choice graduate school and I got accepted. I haven't told my parents yet, but I plan to tomorrow. I'm still waiting to hear from my first choice but either way I'm going to be a graduate student. All of my friends are extremely happy for me and say I deserve it because I work so hard. While I agree with them in some respects, I don't think I work terribly hard. I work up to 15hrs a day but not all of it is difficult. At the lab a lot of my job is training people. So I pretty much sit there eating my bagel and drinking my coffee while explaining things or walking them through certain tasks. That isn't very strenuous work but it does get exhausting after doing it so often for so long. I know I've been through hell and back, though, and I do deserve a shot at accomplishing my dreams. I've always wanted an advanced degree, and now that's something I can be proud of working towards. I didn't walk for my undergraduate college graduation because I find it dumb to celebrate something that is an expectation. I've always been expected to go to college, so why would I pretend I'm special for two minutes walking across a stage with hundreds of other people? I'd rather be sleeping, hanging out with my friends, eating, or watching trashy TV. However, I will most definitely walk for my graduate degree. This is something I've always dreamt about and now I can make it a reality. My end goal is a PhD, but a Master's Degree is a great starting point. A new future is ahead, and I'm ready for whatever it brings me.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

- Winston Churchill

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals"

- Zig Ziglar

"When you've got a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go"

- Carol Burnett

COVID-19

Of course COVID is on everyone's minds, so I may as well talk about it too. Cases are exploding in the city with no end in sight. My parents are both compromised in more ways than one, so if one of them gets it it would be an actual problem. Unfortunately, I'm showing symptoms and have been placed in a mandatory 2 week quarantine. I'm able to walk amongst humanity next Wednesday, but until then I'm stuck doing nothing. Both of my lab jobs have closed in-person lab work and are moving to exclusively online. By way of my full time analytics job it's a bit more complicated. The entire office is in the process of transitioning to remote work, but not everyone is equipped for it - me included. I've lost out on 3 days worth of pay so far and that looks as if it will continue until someone gets back to me about working from home. Frankly, it's bullshit that people are losing out on money because of something that's out of their control. The new bill being proposed would make small businesses under 500 employees mandatorily pay 2 weeks sick leave for employees who qualify. The company I work for is much bigger than 500 employees so we have no promise of being paid for time out of work. I wouldn't mind working from home, and I would actually prefer it right now to give me something to do . However, I have yet to be contacted for setting up our remote systems.

This entire situation has me baffled. For most people (including myself) it brings up thoughts of a chaotically cinematic zombie movie. The mystery virus starts taking over the world and the death tolls rise as humanity falls. I know it won't get to those levels of extreme, but it's still disconcerting nonetheless. It's only been a few weeks since I last posted and it feels like a lifetime. Nothing feels truly normal anymore. Grocery store shelves are empty, people are (literally) fighting over toilet paper, hand sanitizer is a commodity, and communities are slowly being quarantined one by one.

I miss looking at the cat washi tape around my monitor at work. I miss talking to my coworkers about stupid shit we heard that day. I miss being at the lab training new research assistants and doing cool things. I miss driving home at 10pm cruising at 70mph all the way home bobbing and/or singing along to music. I miss seeing Seth. I miss not having to worry about infecting my parents with a potentially deadly virus. Everything needs to go back to normal again. I know it will, but how long do we have to live in a constant state of paranoia and panic-buying?

I Do It

I feel like I haven't written an in-depth post in a while. I honestly don't even know where to begin. My graduate school applications are all finalized and submitted, which feels both amazing and incredibly nerve wracking. In addition to my applications being finalized I finally got the opportunity to go to the hospital where I'm now working out of and play with biological samples. It was an extremely bloody process to collect the samples but I loved it. I did a majority of the cutting and sampling since the other person I was there with didn't like blood. It was an incredible experience seeing and then executing the process myself. Since we are dealing with blood we get suited up in big biohazard suits, hair covers, goggles, gloves, and face masks. Given the situation right now with the spread of Coronavirus we have to extra careful when dealing with bodily fluids. Unfortunately I slipped up while changing gloves and got foreign blood on my bare skin. I don't think anything will happen as a result, but it was a good reminder of how careful we have to be. Overall, it was an amazing experience. In a few weeks I have my first on-call weekend, which means I have to be ready to run to the hospital at any time to collect samples from someone. The hospital-based study that I'm a part of is mainly focused on pregnant women and their newborn children. Our job is to collect placental samples along with various other fluids including blood, saliva, and urine. It's a very bio-based lab and I'm loving it a lot thus far. I'm still very much involved in my first neuropsychology lab and I put in two days a week to work on those things. For a while I was part of a coding team, but now I'm mainly focused on training newer research assistants and keeping tabs on other people's work. I carry a title there as being a part of management, but very minimally. Between the two labs there is a lot of possibility for a publication with my name on it. While it sucks that these lab jobs are unpaid, the experience is well worth it to me.
On the personal side of life it's been a little difficult the last month or so. A coworker of mine from my full time analytics job has been hitting on me non-stop. Let's call him Khan since that's a pretty common last name. Khan and I were supposed to go out to drinks last weekend but he bailed on me and instead invited me over to his place. I know exactly what he wants, and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I find him very attractive, but I know he's a player and it makes me uneasy. Seth has been kept in the loop with all of the happens and developments of this and he feels the same way. I know he can be a little possessive, but I think his instincts are accurate when it comes to Khan. I'd be lying if I said I haven't flirted back, but coworkers are generally off limits. We'll see what happens with it, but for now I'm keeping it flirty and noncommittal.
When it comes to Seth, not much has changed. We see each other multiple times a week, and I usually go over to his house every Monday morning. We sleep together for the first couple hours, then sometimes watch a movie. Our favorite thing to do recently is to watch Twilight Zone together. Last week I was in his bed sleeping and I partially woke up when I felt him pulling me closer. He didn't realize that I was semi-conscious and I heard him whisper how much he loved me. Something about that moment was so sweet. I know he loves me, and I know we're close in a lot of ways. But hearing him say that without saying it directly to me made me smile. I quickly fell back asleep, but I think about that moment at least a couple times a day. When in public he's a man's man who drinks whiskey and smokes cigars, and has no problem being crass and speaking his mind. But with me he's soft and sends me sweet texts and pictures. It's funny how much people change behind closed doors. I know I can be the same way. I'm sure a lot of people are. It makes me think about who people are when they're not "on". At work I'm focused and do my work and put up a somewhat professional front. I get accolades for my work ethic and overall contributions. But when I'm home I'm a cat lady who likes to get high and watch crafting videos. Who are you when no one is watching?

On-Brand

I'm really bad at this lately. Things have been just a pinch chaotic. 90% of my grad school applications are complete which is exciting. I also have a new job that I've officially started training for working as a research volunteer out of a major hospital. Once I get approved and get my own ID it'll feel different. I took someone else's when I went today and it was fine because I look like her (even though she's into her 30's) (I don't know if that's good or not) so i wasn't caught. But it was incredible what credentials can do and allow. We wandered freely behind the scenes of the doctor's areas and spoke with the nurses and doctor's like they were just normal people on the street. It's an odd social situation for me, but I loved it in a way. I ended up getting into a very detailed (and long) conversation with a high school student joining the study about neuroplasticity. It felt like exactly what I wanted to do. I want to roam the halls of the hospital and know people and have fun and be productive to society by conducting research. I want to help educate people and get them interested in the subject of psychology. At this point I think I'm just trying to let things happen. I need to loosen my grip a little in an attempt to save my sanity. I now work 4 jobs. My soul is getting tired again. I think the only way to make me feel less stressed would be to have my entrance letters to the programs I applied to. I don't know what I'll do if I get rejected for a 3rd time. My writing is all over the place tonight, just like my head. How "on brand" of me.

To Say I Love You

It's certainly been a while since I've updated. Life has been moving way too fast recently. My birthday is tomorrow and it's starting to really hit me how fast life is flying by. I'm reapplying to graduate schools and trying to keep my head above water with all my ventures. I have my grad school applications, one full time job, two part time jobs (soon to be three), studying for the GRE, keeping up with various things around the house, and attempting to maintain some semblance of a social life. I never really get a true day off where I don't have to do anything.

Today I had an actual day off and decided to go into the city with Seth. We went to a giant museum and spent hours walking around and looking at exhibits. Then he surprised me and took me to an insanely nice steakhouse, followed by going across town to his favorite bakery. It was a day off that was much needed, and welcomed. He insisted on holding my hand almost the entire day, and we spent our time laughing and talking. We also spent New Year's Eve together, and I slept over at his house. We stayed up until 3am watching movies, then another hour or so just laying in bed talking in the dark. We also spent the next day together as well. I was supposed to work, but our systems were down at the office so I got to rejoin him back in bed less than an hour after I had left. Being with him is like a breath of fresh air when I most need it. However, the odd part about all of it is that I'm not in love with him. Everything seems as if I should be, but I'm just not. It would greatly complicate things if that were to happen, but for now we're happy with what we are. We're together but separate, but still love each other just the same. There's no better feeling than having him kiss me on the head. He's such a tender man, and not a lot of people see that side of him. I feel very fortunate to know him in the capacity I do.

At my full time job, I got a raise. State minimum wage is increasing, but I'm also getting a company raise in addition to that. On one hand I was pretty shocked when my supervisor told me, but it was also well deserved given the efficiency of my work. A lot of effort goes into balancing my jobs, so to get a raise just goes to show that I'm learning to balance them well. Also, I got a promotion at the research lab where I work. I now oversee other research assistants and assign them things to do, as well as spot check their work to ensure accuracy. It's technically a management position, but I still do data entry and normal tasks around the lab which I very much enjoy. It's a nice start to my morning to settle in at my computer listening to a true crime video while sipping my iced coffee and nibbling at a bagel.

When it comes to my day-to-day life I feel like it moves pretty slow. Some weeks feel like they drag on forever. However, in the larger scope of things my life is moving incredibly fast. It's becoming hard for me to keep up at times. I've had several people (including doctors) tell me to stop working so much, otherwise I'll be burnt out by the time I'm 30. I feel as if I was burnt out a couple years ago at this point, so what's another day of pushing myself to the limit?