Few Days Recap

Alrighty. Where to begin? Well, I disappeared for a bit, and I apologize. Scout, my german shepard, thought it would be hilarious to step on my phone and crack the screen. I haven't been able to get a replacement yet. I decided to order a phone off Amazon.com to conserve money. I only had about $100 to work with. I got a refurbished HTC Thunderbolt. It won't be here till the 5th (earliest). In the mean time, I'm pretty much cut off from everyone. I used to email Leo every day, every chance I got. Now I've only been able to send him two emails since my phone broke 3 days ago. I would usually be texting Bambi constantly, but now only talk to him on Xbox Live every night at 11 for a couple hours. I feel so alone. Granted, I have my family. But family gets annoying sometimes, you know?
I had the funeral on Friday for Kyle's father. We all gathered together and talked. Kyle seemed okay. He was sad looking, but strong. I gave him a big hug and told him to let me know if he needed anything. I kissed his mother on the cheek and told her I was sorry for her loss. Mr. D was in a casket in the front of the room. There was a Mets jersey with his last name on it hanging by the wall. He was a huge Mets fan. There was also a Jets jersey. It made me smile to see his sports stuff there. There were also pictures all over the place.
The pictures were of him and his family, even some childhood photos. I found a photo with me in it. It was taken at an aquarium to which his family had taken me. Kyle and I were in 7th or 8th grade when the picture was taken. My hair was still short, and his hair was long and curly. Now he has short hair and I have long hair. I showed him the photo and we thought of the memories we made that day. It was nice to see Kyle relaxed and smiling. Kyle told me that I could have the picture. I smiled and knew exactly what I was going to do with it. I have a picture on my wall by the door in my room of he and I from the musical. There was a scene in the musical where we would yell at each other and get angry. During a rehearsal one day, we got bored. We were saying our lines and pretending to fist fight. One of the directors took a picture and gave it to me. Every time I look at it, I smile. It reminds me of the fun times he and I have had over the years. Now I have the aquarium picture right beneath the musical picture. The pictures show how much we both have grown and bonded. Kyle means so much to me. He's like my brother. I know that losing his father is a very difficult situation, but I want him to know that I'm here for him.
Saturday was a little more cheery than Friday. I met up with Bambi at the mall for lunch. We went to Applebees (our favorite place to eat) and talked. We laughed and smiled and fell even more in love. I hadn't seen him for over a week so I missed him. Being away from him for so long reminds me how thankful I am to have him. It's times like those where I sort of thank the beings above for Leo going to camp. I can focus more on Bambi and our relationship. After lunch, we skateboarded around the area and had fun. I'm getting better thanks to his instruction. It soon started to get too hot to be outside. We agreed to head to the bus stop and go to his house. We got home and I picked out a movie for us to watch. Cloverfield. I love that movie, so I figured I would show him. He said it was decent. After the movie, he and I watched a TV show I had never heard of before. The Weekenders. We watched about 3 hours of that then he showed me some CreepyPasta Youtube videos. Those are so freaky. We ate raw cookie dough then went outside to skate. My mom came and then spoke to Bambi's mom for a good hour. Then, I headed home and did...well...nothing. My mom and I got into an argument about my laptop. I'm supposed to be ordering a Macbook Air but my mother insists she needs to talk to my college savings people. Yet, she refuses to actually make a call and do something about it. Once I get the Macbook, I'll also be getting an iPod 5th gen for my graduation gift. I want to get the ball rolling so I can get my shit. Reading my entry, I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about not getting what she wants. Meh. I have no phone, no computer, and no way to talk to people. Good golly gee. I'm starting to go crazy.
Today I had work. Only 12-4. It was easy, just a lot of washing and what not. Chris came to visit the shop. He looked a lot darker and kinda skinnier than he used to be. I haven't seen him in about 2 months. I missed him at first but then realized I didn't care. I would text him, and he would text for maybe 10mins then disappear or say he had to go. I forgot him and moved forward. Seeing him was weird. He was cute, but still loud and annoying. I was sarcastic and somewhat mean to him. I was leaning against the wall at one point with Chris standing across from me and Paulie a few feet away. I looked at the case and saw Chris' reflection. I caught him checking me out. He slowly looked at me top to bottom and had a smile on his face while doing so. I made me feel attractive, I'm not going to lie. Chris soon left and we went about our day. I found out that I'm working an early shift on Wednesday. 6-12. I'm going to be working with Bob. I really hope he isn't in a bad mood. I just want to be in and out. No problems. I'm not in the mood for problems right now.
And then, in the back of my head, I'm thinking about Leo. I'm wondering how camp is going, and if he is having fun. I sent him something in the mail back on Thursday. I was 24 small and colorful cards. Each card has a little factoid, lyric or quote. It sounds silly, I know. My logic behind the cards was that whenever he's bored or sad or whatever, he can look at a card and maybe feel a bit better. I don't know if they will actually serve their purpose, but it's worth a shot. I'll be making more and sending them in small increments to avoid an annoyingly large postage fee. I hope he likes them. I hope he appreciates them. I hope these don't send the wrong message. I find myself not thinking about him as much as I used to. Maybe this is a good thing. I hate this love triangle thing. Once college starts, it's a new beginning. A clean slate. But. I'm not sure if I want my slate to be cleansed of Leo.

A Beginning and An End

The day after orientation, I woke up to a fb invite to befriend a sorority. Kappa Theta Nu. I spoke to a girl yesterday who invited me to the meeting and said I could already be a sister by the time school started. I guess she saw my name tag and looked me up on fb. I'm actually interested about how to become a sister. In general, the orientation went ok. We went on a tour outside and we hung out at the Prominade for a bit. The view of Manhatten is beautiful. I also met a few people. George, Erin, and Ally. Erin and Ally were the ones I spoke to the most. I got Erin's number. I figured I would text her soon to see if we have any classes together. I got my schedule. I'm taking Gen Psych, Discrete Math (no idea..), Writing in the Public Sphere, Music in the Western Culture and then I'm meeting with a counselor once a week to keep me on track. The guy who gave me my schedule said that I did amazing on my placement exams and that I was able to skip both introductory math and english. Go me. My earliest classes begins at 11:10 and my latest class ends at 2:55. Everyday I'll be out of school by 3, and I won't have to wake up early. I'll probly wake up at 8:30. Its a 1hr 45min commute give or take a few mins. My midterm exams happen 5 or 6 weeks into school. Scary. But in order to keep a scholarship which I was awarded, I only need to maintain a 3.0 GPA. That shudnt be too hard, but we'll see. They have a free tutoring place somewhere in the building. I'll be taking full advantage of that when it comes to math. I also ordered 3/4 books that I need for my classes. Amazon gave me free 2-day shipping because I'm a student. I just got them today maybe an hour ago. I can't stop going through the psych book. The total was only $207, which isn't bad for 3 college books. My mom gave me $300 to spend on books, so I'm within the budget. I'm kinda excited to start college. Still nervous, just slightly more excited.
Anywho, I apologize for not updating sooner. I've been absent for almost 2 days. The orientation took a lot out of me, so I was tired. But toward the end of orientation I got a text from Kyle. Remember him? He's like my brother who I've known since Kindergarden. His father has stage 4 lung cancer. During my orientation, he was admitted into the hospital in pretty bad shape. We all knew this was coming, but we never expected it to actually happen. Kyle told me that he was in the hospital and his condition was declining rapidly. I felt awful. I wanted to stop by the hospital but I was stuck at orientation. Kyle and his family stayed overnight from Tuesday to Wednesday then Kyle left to get some air and positive energy. I made to offer them whatever they needed. My mom and I were willing to bring over food and whatever else they needed. They insisted that they were ok. Wednesday night is when he finally passed. It was expected but still a shock. It makes me so sad to know that he's not alive anymore. He's been battling cancer for about 3yrs now. It's been an emotional, physical and financial drain for the whole family. My mom can identify with Kyle. She lost her father to pancreatic cancer when she was Kyle's age (18). The funeral/wake is tomorrow. Of course I'm upset but it hasn't fully hit me yet. It'll probably hit me tomorrow when I see Kyle and his family. Even in the deaths of my own grandparents, it took a while to hit me. I guess it's just a state of shock.

Where ever your soul may lie, know I will always love you and appreciate all you have done for me. I'll never forget all the weird and crazy stories you told me, and how you let me sleep over almost every other week. You were like a crazy uncle that I loved so much. You held your family together and raised your children well. Now there is no more pain for you, only peace. I'll never forget you Mr. D <3
RIP - Walter D.

Awkward

Tomorrow is Freshman Orientation. Fuck. I'm so nervous. I'm really bad with this social interaction thing. I've heard someone say before that they think I have PTSD. I thought about it. I'm not sure. Ever since I was touched as a child, I've had many problems. I've struggled with my image and self-confidence. What if no one likes me tomorrow? What if no one talks to me? I don't want to be alone tomorrow. I never want to be alone. I'm scared. I hope that tomorrow I can post on here raving about how the day went. Hopefully I make friends. I need to at least talk to people. Dammit. I hate being so fucking awkward. Why must I be scared of people?

ComicCon Conflict

I got my work schedule for the upcoming week. I'm off 6/7 days, then I'm working a 12-4. I'm wondering if maybe my boss doesn't think I'm a good worker. Yesterday, Billy said that he was more productive than me when we were closing and cleaning up. I had a shit ton of dishes to do. I don't think anyone did mid-day dishes so I got stuck having to clean them all. It was gross. I don't know whether Billy meant what he said that. It was one of those things that was a minor statement but still hurt me. I just laughed it off and went on. When I was done (a good 45-60mins later), he thanked me a lot and said I did a good job. It was nice of him.
So Leo is in camp. He called me twice last night. I missed his calls, but I tried calling him back 2mins later. He didn't pick up. Leo and Morrissey have different cell service companies so that's why Morrissey gets service and Leo doesn't. Meh. I want to talk to Leo, but I don't. I'm afraid. I don't know why. I just am. I don't feel comfortable or secure talking to him in fear of him leaving again because I give him mixed emotions. Whatever. There's nothing I can do when he's 3hrs away. Maybe I'll see him soon.
Bambi and I went on xbox last night. I played Halo 4 and he was playing Sonic Adventure Battle 2. We talked and laughed. We got into a fight though. I had bought tickets for ComicCon in October. Saturday and Sunday. He and his brother bought 2 tickets each as well. Bambi was saying how he could barely afford the tickets. I felt bad and told him that if he could go only one day, I would be happy. I know other people that are going to ComicCon so I could hang out with them if need be. Bambi said that I don't care if he and I hang out, and I'm indifferent if I go with him or someone else. Of course I want to go with him, but if he can't afford both days then that's ok. But he got mad over it. Then I got depressed that he was mad. He kept apologizing and saying that he was sorry. I know he was sorry, but I couldn't cheer up. I'm feeling a bit better now. I just need some anime and soup.
By the way, if any of you readers are going to ComicCon, that would be cool. I'll see you there.

Camp

I can't say I'm well rested, but after 9hrs of sleep, I guess I have to get up. My mood is a little improved, but I'm still so depressed. Leo texted me this morning. He asked how I was feeling and stuff. He's by camp. He left at 8am this morning with Morrissey. Mama Morrissey apparently mentioned me a few times. She thinks Leo and I would make a cute couple. Go figure. She also seems happy about driving me to the camp to visit Leo and Morrissey. She likes me a lot, which is good. I like her too. She's a very upbeat and funny woman.
I'm currently texting Morrissey. He said that all camp staff can use cell phones and that service is pretty good. Kinda surprising because I heard from Leo that cell service is very rare in the camp. Oh well. I want to visit the camp some time soon to see what it's like. Mama Morrissey goes up every other weekend, so I'll tag along with her one of those weekends.
I have work again today. 12-4. Not long, but still annoying if time goes slow. The week coming up I'll be working longer shifts, I'm almost positive. I've only been working 12-4s for the last 2 weeks. A lot of people are leaving the shop so I'm sure I'll be picking up more hours. I hate early shifts. 6-12 is the worst. Waking up at 5:30 then working with Bob SUCKS. Whatever. I need the money. My life is so busy, yet so boring at the same time. Ever get that feeling?

Everything is Okay

I poured out my heart and soul into a blog post. What happened? My phone deleted it ALL. I'm done. Leo wants to come back to me. He's acting like everything is ok. Everything is the way it used to be. It isn't. I don't know if it will ever be the same.
I've been so depressed for the last few days. I hate being me. I always battle with depression. I'm in a bad spot right now. Leo wants me to accept him back. I don't know if I can. I don't want to open up and be hurt. I'll write more tomorrow morning. I can't even focus. Leo. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything I have done. I don't know what else to say.

Choices

Leo contacted me. He said he wished to talk. He couldn't make up his mind. He didn't know what to do. Frankly, neither did I. He always says he wants to stop talking, but this time it was different. I had had enough. I just shut off any emotion I had towards him. Whether it was love or hate, it didn't matter. I stopped caring. Every time he wanted to seperate, I got hurt. Little by little. I felt abandoned. My whole life I've dealt with losing people; whether it be my grandparents dying or my friends leaving. I love Leo. But having him constantly leaving and returning has worn on me. This time, I've had enough. I turned off emotion. I love him, but I feel emotionally drained. I've been passive all day. At work, I just did my job and left. Nothing more. I've been trying to forget Leo. I went to a minor league baseball game with my family, Bambi and his brother. We hung out and had fun. It was nice. For a while, I forgot Leo. Then I checked my phone. I had a text and 3 emails from him. He said he wanted to stay with me and keep talking to me. I love him. I don't want to let him go. But I feel different. Numb. Is this something I want? Is this something I need?

So-Long, Farewell

I got the MRI. 45mins stuck in a machine is not fun. I won't know the results for a few days. However, there are more pressing matters.
Leo doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He and I were talking via email this morning. We just couldn't get together today. I suggested he come by my work and we can talk there. He came back by saying that we should stop talking. Since he's going to camp in a few days, we should use this opportunity to seperate and go in our own directions. I got kind of mad. He sensed that and tried to calm me. I told him that if he really wanted to stop talking, he would stop emailing me. I haven't heard from him in a few hours. I guess he's really stopping all communication. What do I do? I want to call him. I want to email him. But. I know I shouldn't. Maybe this is best for us. Maybe this is best for me.

The Hangout

Today was a busy day. I woke up, showered then ran out the door. 2hrs on public buses later, I was at Bambi's house. We hung out at first. He made me a burrito for breakfast (although it was nearly 1pm). His brother came and left within a half hour. Then, Bambi got horny. I had my head on his crotch/leg and he kept feeling up my butt and putting his hands into my jeans. He was persistant and eventually got me horny as well. I have him a couple hickies and a bj. The bj felt kinda forced but whatever. He and I went for ice cream then came back to his house. We played Black Ops II and ate raw cookie dough. Then I painted his toe nails purple/sparkly blue.
Adri came over around 7. I was nervous about hanging out with her because I've never been around her for too long. She was sweet though. Bambi's brother, Antonio, and their friend, Gio, came over. So it was the 5 of us in one small room. Adri and Bambi played guitars and laughed. Gio and I made comments and jokes about randomness. Antonio kinda stayed to himself. To be honest, I felt kinda left out of the circle when Adri and Bambi played guitar. I wasn't jealous, I just wanted attention I guess. We continued to all hang out till I left at 9. I got home, played xbox for a bit then hung out with my mom.
Remember I had plans with Leo tomorrow? Well those changed. My mom said I couldn't hang out due to my MRI at 3pm. This is my last chance to see Leo. If I don't see him now, I won't see him for months. I need to see him before he leaves. I don't know how, but we need to see eachother. I made him a gift. Its about 75ish cards. They all have jokes or quotes on them. The cards are supposed to help him through any rough days he may have. Its nothing expensive but I hope he'll like it. I worked hard on it. If he feels sad one day, and I can't be there for him, I hope that one of my cards will make him smile. I need to give those to him before he leaves. I guess I could mail it, but it won't be the same. Whatever. I really am just hoping I can see him tomorrow. I want to hug him goodbye.

Adri

I just got back from the hospital. I got xrays but they showed nothing. I'm going back on Thursday for an MRI of my ankle. Whoo. Thursday is also the day that Leo is coming to my house to skateboard. We'll skateboard earlier in the day so I can make it to the MRI on time. This is the last time I'll see Leo before he leaves for camp. He's a boyscout and teaches at a camp 3hrs away. He'll be there for 3months I think. Almost all of summer. It sucks. But we can at least talk and message eachother. I really want to spend a nice day with him before he leaves on Monday.
Tomorrow I'm going over the Bambi's house. I'm giving him a makeover. Hair, makeup, nails, everything. It'll be fun. Our friend Adri is helping too. She's a close friend of Bambi's. I didn't really like her at first because I was jealous. Bambi talked to her a lot and gave her a lot of attention. I got over it though. I actually started to like her. I got her number yesterday and we've been talking nonstop. She's funny and cute. It's kinda weird. She's like a mix of Bambi and I. She's weird and querky like me, but plays guitar and has hair like Bambi. We joke around sometimes and say that Adri is like our child from the future who came back in time to see what we were like as teens. So yea, that's our theory. Now, I'm going to watch a movie Red Dawn from 1984. The original one. Hopefully this will help me relax a bit.

My Very Own Skateboard

I woke up to a ray of sunshine hitting my face. Normal people might smile and begin to wake up. Me? I put a pillow over my face and begged for it to go away. For some reason, I didn't want today to begin. I eventually got up and left my house. I walked 2miles to work (in the almost unbearable heat) to pick up my pay. I then took the bus to meet Bambi. He was buying a longboard today. He chose which one he wanted then bought it. He and I then left the mall and found a quiet street to skate on. I now had my skateboard and he had his longboard. It was so much fun. It reminded me that we don't always have to be touchy to be happy around eachother. I can skateboard but not perfectly. Bambi is pretty good so he was showing me new techniques. It's so hot when he skateboards. I wonder why that is..All I know, is that he's mine. And I'm his. We had a lot of fun on our date. I then went home and dyed my hair. It went from being dark brown, green and pink to being red/auburn. Its so awesome. I love it. My mom did it for me. She's so good at it. I'm lucky to have someone who can do it for me without fucking it up.
After that, the day was pretty boring. Now, I'm in bed. Tomorrow I was going to meet Leo for lunch. Plans changed. I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my ankles. I've sprained and twisted them more than you could ever imagine. When swelling and pain become a part of daily life, something is wrong. So Leo and I rescheduled for Thursday. He's coming to my neighborhood. Now since I have my skateboard, I'm gonna teach him how to ride. He doesn't know it yet, because I'm surprising him with a skateboard lesson instructed by yours truely. It should be nice.
I don't know why, but the last few hours have really brought down my mood. Like, a lot. I'm so depressed right now. Why must my emotions always get in my way. All I want is happiness. In the end, what defines happiness?

Cleaning Lady

Today I was dreading going to work. I don't know why. It was only a 4hr shift after over a whole week of vacation time. I went into work and ended up having fun. The closing shift is always my favorite. It's easy to clean. I don't know why, but I'm also very good at it. I think it's because of my OCD tendancies. I often spend a great deal of time just cleaning one panel of glass. It makes me happy though. My boss sees I'm working hard, it keeps me busy, and it also keeps me from dealing with customers. When I'm cleaning, someone else usually helps customers. However, at the end of the day before closing, a customer is rare. It seems as if I just ranted about cleaning at my job. Isn't my life exciting?
Well, tomorrow I have a date with Bambi. He's finally getting his own longboard. He's been wanting one for a while. Now he gets his longboard, and I get my skateboard. Nice trade-off, right? Then, we're gonna eat lunch and skate together. I love summer. And since I don't work again till Friday, I have a lot of time to waste. Leo wanted to hangout this week. I'm going to meet him at a diner on Tuesday. It's just lunch. There we can talk and won't have much close contact. I'm hoping we can settle a few problems and figure stuff out. Is meeting him a smart idea? Of course not. Have I been known to make smart choices? Not really.

The Pointless Day

Today was another lazy day. I slept in late and my dad made me soup for breakfast. I relaxed and watched tv for a bit. I then vaccuumed and started laundry. My mom came home from work and said we needed to plan Father's Day tomorrow. I had totally forgotten. Oh well. So she and I went shopping for my dad and all was well. We came home and then did yardwork for my church. I'm not religious but I grew up in the church so I'm always actively involved. I'm on the Property Committee so I do a lot of outside work, cleanup and repairs with my parents. Today I mowed the two main lawns and helped my mom with whatever she needed done. I got home and watched a movie. 6 Souls. Not bad.
Oh, and did I mention that in the course of the day, Leo had a meltdown? He said he can't talk to me anymore because it only hurts and confuses us both. That is certainly true. However, I can't let go. Not yet. Or ever. Once an attachment is formed, its hard to break and in some cases, it may last forever. I think in the end he decided to stay and keep talking to me, but I'm not clear on it. I'm so depressed and tired. I'm hoping maybe a large amount of sleep will solve this. In the end, all we can do is hope.

Taste of Summer

The begining of the day was kinda boring. I went to school early at 7:30 to return some sheet music. Some of my junior/sophmore friends were happy to see me. I brought some of my chocolate peanutbutter cups. They loved it. After I finished my duties at school, I headed to a diner where I was meeting Bambi at 9. He lives 5 blocks away from the diner and was 20mins late. Go figure. Breakfast was a little awkward but I soon changed the mood using my girlie magic. We hung out for a while till 11, then the fun began.
I survived another drinking get-together. There were 8 of us at the party. Megan only had 6 beers. Bambi and I had to change that. We went back to Bambi's house and picked up some vodka, rum and whiskey shots. We brought it back to Megan's and the party got started. We all drank and took shots and made mixed drinks. We got drunk and fooled around. Bambi and I got a little frisky so we found the bathroom. Things were getting heated and I took my top off. I was totally topless and making out with Bambi. Megan picked the lock on the door and found us there. She yelled (jokingly) that she saw my boobs and stuff. It was kinda funny. The moment was ruined so I got my shirt and bra back on. We kept drinking. Kyle (my bestfriend practically brother) and I decided that we wanted pizza and hot wings. We ordered Domino's online and requested that the delivery guy wear a fancy hat. He didn't wear a fancy hat, but he still delivered us our food. Kyle and I ended up splitting 40 hot wings while drinking a beer on the floor. Classy. After lunch, we played sexy truth or dare. Some of the truths were really personal. Bambi revealed to everyone that he and I took eachothers V-cards. Romantic, right? (And for the record, we've only done it maybe 5 or 6 times. Not a lot.) Anyway, after we played that, we cleaned up.
Bambi and I then headed back to his house. We were both mostly sober by that point. We hung out for a bit and talked, nothing sexual. Those few hours are what I want my summer to be like. Chill, fun, relaxing and exciting, all in a few months time. After we got home, his parents drove me back to my house and I came back to reality.
My mom was kinda drunk when I came home. It was kinda ironic. I went to drink from her cup because I was thirsty as hell, but what did I get? A huge mouthful of margarita. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I love a good margarita, but not after a whole day of drinking. I almost threw up. She thought it was hilarious. Now I'm exhausted and have a headache. Honestly, not the worst hangover I've had. I'll survive. But in order to survive, I need sleep. Goodnight.

¡Chocolate!

I've spent all fucking day melting chocolate and making homemade peanutbutter cups. Why? Because I'm so bored out of my mind. My brother stayed home from school today and helped me make the chocolates. He even came with me to the local CVS to get more chocolate to melt. I have to admit, the chocolates I made are pretty damn awesome. I even made some with coconut shavings inside. Those aren't perfected yet, but still taste good. My parents came home and said I needed to go to my brother's school concert. He plays the sax. He's actually not bad for only playing less than a year. So we watched the performance then came home. I kept making my chocolates. Leo called. We talked for maybe an hour but then I said I had to go.
I'm waking up early tomorrow to go to school. My choir director wants her music back so I'm going early into school to deliver it. Then, I'm taking the bus to a diner by Bambi's house for breakfast. After breakfast, we go to Megan's house for a drink. I'm excited. Tomorrow sounds fun. I only hope that I don't try to make out with a girl like the last time I drank in a group of friends. Bambi wasn't too happy about me kissing a girl. Most guys would like it, but go figure. Anywho, I need some rest. Keep breathing, and I'll keep posting.

Relaxing?

Where do I begin? I slept late today. Till around 10am. I was up late on the phone with Leo. I expressed some of my discontent about our meeting during the day. I called Leo when I woke up. He was in a Regents exam. He called me when he was done. He wanted to come over but I said no. I needed some time solo. He understood. We talked for over 3hrs. I hung up the phone and cleaned. Then, I made homemade peanutbutter cups and went on xbox. I played some Halo to release my tensions. Bambi and I talked while I played. He said our friend Megan is having a party on Friday. Alcohol will be provided. This is just what I need. Time to relax and let loose. I drink, yea. I have my own Jack Daniels and Jägermeister in my room hidden in a drawer. I haven't drank in a while. It should be nice to hang out and laugh.
After xbox, I showered. A nice, long, hot shower. It was so relaxing. I made some more peanutbutter cups and then turned on the tv. It's been such a lazy day.
Remember Jojoe? He stopped speaking to me a little while ago. He wanted space. He said I took advantage of him. He was there to hold my hand when times got rough, but I wasn't there for him. It's not true. I was here for him, he just never showed me he needed it.  I didn't help because I didn't know. I feel like shit. I let him down. I'm so depressed. He's leaving me. Why? Because I neglected him. I took advantage of him. That's all I ever seem to do. Be selfish.

Yes. No.

First, let me apologize. I didn't blog yesterday. Why? Because my whole day was spent alone at home cleaning. It wasn't too exciting. There was nothing to update or discuss. Today, however, was different.
I met up with Leo today. We met at the mall and then walked to his house. He wore camo shorts. Camo always seems to suit him. So we went to his house and he grabbed a bag then we went to a park by his house. It was nice. In the bag there was a towel to lay down on, and some fruit salad to munch on. We sat and ate and talked. I played with bugs. They were cute. They kept crawling on my hands and up my arms. He and I then laid next to eachother on the blanket. It felt so wrong. But I wanted to do it. My brain said yes, my heart said no. I'm with Bambi. This is wrong. But I kept going. We continued to talk and smile. We then walked around the park more. I decided I wanted to climb a tree, so I did. Leo followed. He took out a knife and carved our initials into the tree. A typical boyscout thing to do I suppose. I also thought that it was usually something only couples did. He said he had carved his and M's initials everywhere before they broke up. It gave me the feeling that maybe I'm only a replacement or a stand-in for M. He says I'm not. I know I am. He may not realize it, but he's using me to pretend to still have M as a girlfriend. I'm forced to play into his fantasies because I'm afraid of breaking his heart. I know how fragile he is right now. He has moments of bliss and joy, but also moments of depression and sadness. M really fucked him up. But after I climbed the tree, he gave me a back massage on the grass. It was nice. I really needed to relax. The massage was firm but gentle. After that, it started to rain. We headed back to his house and I met his sister who's 15 (only one of his many siblings). She was nice, and kinda pretty. We talked then she went away. Leo and I went to his basement. Nothing happened. Just a lot of close contact and whisperings of passion. I took his knife and was playing with it. I wanted to see how sharp the blade was, so I cut my hand. I knew it would cut me. It was small but kinda deep. It stung, but in a good way. Leo was surprised how I cut myself with no hesitation. He shouldn't have been so shocked. After some more talking and whispering, I left his house. He walked me to my bus stop and shortly after, the bus came. I had an hour ride home to think about what had happened today. Leo kissed me all over. He even tried getting my lips multiple times but I avoided it. I got home and then talked to Leo more. I feel kinda strange about today. I loved it. I hated it. I want to do it again. Soon. How can I be so confused? I have a boyfriend. Pick the boyfriend, dumbass. Pick him. Not him. The other him. Yea, that one. I don't understand. I said I wasn't going to cheat. I made a promise to myself. I'm committed to Bambi. He is the man of my dreams. I love him. But. I love Leo too. What happens now? Any advice?

18

Well today was an ok day. I had church for the first time in months. It felt good going back there. I'm not religious, but I find comfort in it. It reminds me of the times when my family was still united and alive. After church, I did some various housework. I helped my mother trim bushes in the front yard, I powerwashed our deck chairs and then vaccuumed the first floor of the house. After chores were done, I headed out.
Bambi turned 18 today. We planned on seeing a movie but I couldn't get to his house till around 3. When I got to his house, we talked and hung out then put in a movie. We watched the movie for maybe 15mins then started to talk and pay less attention to it. We then kissed and he felt up my butt. I recently found out that he has a butt fetish. He wants to do anal, but I'm scared. I know it'll hurt. I'm also kinda just grossed out by it. I have a slight dislike for butts. They're so dirty and nasty. Anyway, he felt me up and things got a little hot. Then we started to talk and things cooled down. I then had dinner with Bambi, his parents, his older brother and his friend Gio. It was a nice dinner. Nothing special, just hot dogs and salad. Gio and Bambi's brother left the house after dinner. Bambi and I went outside and I used his skateboard. He was helping me to get better at boarding. I'm not bad, but certainly not great. We then went inside and hung out some more. Then, I got a ride home around 7:30. It was a nice day out with him.
I came home to dinner on the table. I had some then watched tv. My mother then bitched about how I never clean or do chores. I'm now forbidden to leave the house. I had made plans to meet Leo at the park by his house to hang out tomorrow. Now, I can't go. I feel bad but he said it was ok. He called me at 10:30 and we talked for 3 1/2hrs on the phone. Crazy right? I usually HATE phone calls with a passion but I'm comfortable with Leo. I have no idea why. But anyway, now its past 2am and I'm exhausted. I don't have school anymore but I have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow if I want to leave my house anytime soon. Ugh. Cleaning.

Class of 2013

I graduated today. Shit. High school has gone way too fast. I started out scared and shy. I made a few friends and eventually got comfortable. Of course the second I get comfortable, I have to leave. I'm surprised I didn't cry during the ceremony. I held it together and got my diploma. I wore my medals. One for being a National Thespian Society and one for the World Choir Games I competed in last year in Cincinnatti. My school choir won 3rd place in our division. Not bad considering we were competing against hundreds of other people. So the senior choir members who competed wore a bronze medal around their necks. Everyone marched in and sang and received diplomas. Kyle, Andrea, George, Megan, Claude and everyone else in our class accomplished something. They all passed high school. It scares me. High school is where life kinda starts. You get a kick in the pants to start real life. College and work and real world problems.
Leo couldn't make it to graduation. He was supposed to be there (he's in the school band), but he was taking ACTs. Mimi was also supposed to be there. His dad took him to Boston for some family trip. He wanted to see his 'big sis' walk across the stage and get her diploma. I love him. He really is like a little brother to me. Ever seen the show Gravity Falls on Disney Channel? I'm Mabel and he's Dipper. We used to call eachother that all the time. Mabel and Dipper. So awkward and weird but still loving and adorable. I'm really going to miss him. A lot. Damn. I'm starting to get emotional. Emotions. Why do we even have them?

A Gift

So I went to work today. 10-4. It was sooooo slow. Tropical Storm Andrea really affected business. Leo texted me during the day. He said he wanted to meet after I got out of work. I agreed and we met up at a local Dunkin Donuts. He bought a sammich and we talked. No serious topics. Just laughing and hanging out. I needed to get home, so we went and waited for the bus. He took the bus with me even though his house was in the opposite direction. We continued talking and having fun. It was POURING rain. We had to walk about 5 or 6 blocks to my house from where the bus left us. We walked in the rain and said how soaked our shoes were. We parted ways on the corner of my block. I hugged him and wished him a happy birthday. Today is his 17th birthday. We didn't want to leave eachother. We were about to seperate when something strange happened. Leo leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. It was a semi-long kiss. In the rain. With my hair down. Romantic. Sweet. It was my birthday gift to him. I could have easily avoided the kiss, but I didn't. I don't think I regret it. But I feel bad about it. I feel very guilty. I shouldn't have cheated. Bambi is my boyfriend. Practically my fiancé. Its kinda bothering me that I kissed Leo. However. It felt good. It felt so right. I don't know. I hate this. I want to love Bambi with everything I have. No reservations. I also want to love Leo with everything I have too. Leo needs love and acceptance. I want to give that gift to him. I'm not a cheater. I didn't cheat. I will never cheat. I gave Leo a gift. A birthday gift. It was a gift. Just a gift.

Best Featured Actress

Yesterday was a crazy day. I had to be at school for graduation practice. It went for 4hrs. Ugh. I got my cap and gown though. Fancy. After practice, a bunch of my friends and I went to the mall. We ate there and then wandered for a bit. Kyle and I bought earrings in Hot Topic. We both have a cartlidge piercing in our left ear. We got it together last year. So we bought a few colorful hoops then split it up evenly amoung us. We continued to wander and then headed back to school. 
Last night was the Drama Awards Banquet. I got inducted into my school's Thespian Troup. I got a medal to wear for graduation. I also got a gold star. Each gold star symbolizes 100hrs of drama related work. Kyle (my best friend) got his 6th star. He's done every show since he started in high school. He's a great actor too. Anyway, they give out awards at these banquets. I won Best Featured Actress, Best Save and Best Scene. Bambi and all my friends were at the banquet. Leo was there too. Every time I looked at him, he had his face in a book. A Star Wars book. I gave him a braclet a little while ago. A little rubber tube with red sand inside. He was wearing it. It made me smile. But he looked so upset. I texted him while Bambi wasn't looking. I told him to smile and be happy; to enjoy himself. He texted me back saying there was no reason to smile. I needed to talk to him. After the banquet was over, he headed straight home. He messaged me on fb maybe 45mins later. He was angry and overwhelmed. He has a project due today that he doesn't have complete. It needs to be in german. I've taken german for 4yrs. I could do this quick and easy. I told him to give me the guidelines for the project and I would do it. He refused. I was practically begging for the info. He got mad and said 'GO FUCK OFF'. It shocked me but I let it go. He never gave me the info. He texted me telling me to call him at 11pm. I fell asleep before I even got his text. I called him this morning and left a voicemail apologizing. He and I need to talk. He's in such a depression lately. I need to fix this. I want to read his blog. I know he updated it last night (he told me). Maybe I should read it to get insight. I don't know.

The Final Final

I took my final exam today. Pre Calc. I didn't even try. Math isn't my strong subject by any means. I got to school around 7:30am but the test didn't begin till 10:15. People from my class just sat around and talked and semi-studied. It was fun. Bambi was there. We were in the cafeteria. Bambi and I were happier than we were yesterday. I was smiling and he was laughing. We were okay again. I only saw Leo maybe twice today. I'm seeing him less and less due to my lack of actual classes. He was so sad and upset and boderline angry today on fb. He feels like an outcast and that no one loves him. I love him. But I can't show it. This constant push and pull struggle is horrible to live with. Leo and Bambi are never both happy. At least one of them is usually sad or depressed. It's like maintaining 2 boyfriends at once. I'm such a whore. I want to help Leo, not entice him. Then I try to draw boundaries and he feels lonely and seperated. It's a bad feeling having to constantly keep up with two guys and not being able to tell them how much their burdons weigh me down. I can't really do much. My hands are tied.
I came home and made a bagel. Again. But this time I put strawberry tofu cream cheese on it. Sounds gross, tastes great. After my bagel, my mom and I went out. We went to The Mary Louis Academy. It's an all girl elite Catholic high school referred to as Snob Hill. All the girls are smart and usually come from money or high name families. My mother went there and graduated. Most girls who enter don't graduate; they transfer out because it's such a harsh school. Nuns and physical punishment. High standards and excellence. I applied there for high school and got in. Special me. I declined. I'm not into the structured environment. I needed to be free a bit, not kept under lock and key. Anyway, so my mom and I went there today to look at a summer camp they were hosting. My mom wants to send my brother there. We took a tour and reviewed the activities. My mom liked it and she paid for 6 weeks of camp for him. 6 weeks in day camp, 6 weeks of him out of my hair. After we finished with the open house, we drove around the neighborhood and talked about the houses and how nice they are. We agreed that we were both hungery so we went out to a diner for dinner. We both ordered omlettes and toast. We talked and laughed and had fun. My mom and I haven't had bonding time like that in a while. It was nice. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but other times she's like my sister/best friend. I hate to admit it, but I love my mother.
Now, I'm exhausted. After Leo's meltdown on fb, I took a shower and layed in bed. I'm still in bed 2hrs later. I can sleep in a bit tomorrow. No classes till 1. I'm going to take full advantage of my late class. SLEEP.

What Did I Do?

So I had my English final today. It was easy. After the final, Kyle and I went to McDonald's for cheap food and someplace to loiter. We were exempt from the econ/gov final so we hung out. We needed some time together to just talk and bond like we used to. Bambi called me when he got out of the exam to see if we were still at McDonald's. I missed his call. I saw I missed it and called him right back. I tried his cell 3x. I got a voicemail everytime. I gave up and continued to talk to Kyle. 5mins later, Bambi walks in. He comes over to our table and says "hey. Thanks for picking up your phone and stuff". Then when I explained that I called him 3x, he said that after he called me, he had turned his phone off because it was dying. I was getting frustrated. I said "well how the fuck was I supposed to know your phone is dying?". He gave me an angry face, turned around, and stormed out of the place. I felt so embarassed. Like he made me look like an idiot in front of Kyle and the rest of McDonald's staff and patrons. I looked like a retard and a horrible person. Kyle saw I was a bit ashamed and we continued to talk. Maybe 3mins later, Bambi comes back. He entered behind me. I turned around to look at him and he threw a bottle at my head. It missed and hit the table then bounced to the floor. That got me a bit scared and angry. Why the hell would he do that? I don't see that I did anything wrong. Even if I did, that still wouldn't be right. From then on, the day with him was uncomfortable. Around our other friends I was ok. Around just Bambi, I was quiet and sad. I just told him that I was tired. I didn't want to fight. I went home and made a bagel. Leo messaged me on fb and after talking for maybe 20mins, he knew something was wrong. He asked and I denied. I eventually gave in and told him what had happened. He was upset and empathetic.
After speaking with Leo, I engaged Bambi. He got defensive and said he threw the bottle at me to scare me. Yea. Ok. Whatever. Now he wants to talk about how I feel and why I feel that way. We may talk tomorrow before our Math final at 9:30am. I don't know why, but I'm so depressed right now. I just want to sleep. Forever.

The Pain of a Sunburn

Over the weekend, nothing new really happened. I worked 6-12 on Saturday then 7-1 today (Sunday). Saturday's work day was horrible. It was so hot. 90°F outside and 103°F inside the shop. We were all sweating and a bit grumpy. We made it through though. Today was just bad. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I kept messing up orders or prices. I felt like a retard. I managed to get through the day. I was sore and tired. I have a sunburn on my back. I worked at my church's annual carnival on Saturday after work. I usually burn like crazy but I used tons of sunscreen like every 20mins. The only place I forgot? My back. Of course. I just hope it heals by Thursday. I'm wearing a dress for graduation rehearsels (we have to) so I don't want to have awkward red blotches on my back. Ew. Not cute. Anyway, now I'm laying in bed dead tired. Tomorrow I have my English final. Let's hope it goes well. Ugh. The pain of a sunburn.