Yes. No.

First, let me apologize. I didn't blog yesterday. Why? Because my whole day was spent alone at home cleaning. It wasn't too exciting. There was nothing to update or discuss. Today, however, was different.
I met up with Leo today. We met at the mall and then walked to his house. He wore camo shorts. Camo always seems to suit him. So we went to his house and he grabbed a bag then we went to a park by his house. It was nice. In the bag there was a towel to lay down on, and some fruit salad to munch on. We sat and ate and talked. I played with bugs. They were cute. They kept crawling on my hands and up my arms. He and I then laid next to eachother on the blanket. It felt so wrong. But I wanted to do it. My brain said yes, my heart said no. I'm with Bambi. This is wrong. But I kept going. We continued to talk and smile. We then walked around the park more. I decided I wanted to climb a tree, so I did. Leo followed. He took out a knife and carved our initials into the tree. A typical boyscout thing to do I suppose. I also thought that it was usually something only couples did. He said he had carved his and M's initials everywhere before they broke up. It gave me the feeling that maybe I'm only a replacement or a stand-in for M. He says I'm not. I know I am. He may not realize it, but he's using me to pretend to still have M as a girlfriend. I'm forced to play into his fantasies because I'm afraid of breaking his heart. I know how fragile he is right now. He has moments of bliss and joy, but also moments of depression and sadness. M really fucked him up. But after I climbed the tree, he gave me a back massage on the grass. It was nice. I really needed to relax. The massage was firm but gentle. After that, it started to rain. We headed back to his house and I met his sister who's 15 (only one of his many siblings). She was nice, and kinda pretty. We talked then she went away. Leo and I went to his basement. Nothing happened. Just a lot of close contact and whisperings of passion. I took his knife and was playing with it. I wanted to see how sharp the blade was, so I cut my hand. I knew it would cut me. It was small but kinda deep. It stung, but in a good way. Leo was surprised how I cut myself with no hesitation. He shouldn't have been so shocked. After some more talking and whispering, I left his house. He walked me to my bus stop and shortly after, the bus came. I had an hour ride home to think about what had happened today. Leo kissed me all over. He even tried getting my lips multiple times but I avoided it. I got home and then talked to Leo more. I feel kinda strange about today. I loved it. I hated it. I want to do it again. Soon. How can I be so confused? I have a boyfriend. Pick the boyfriend, dumbass. Pick him. Not him. The other him. Yea, that one. I don't understand. I said I wasn't going to cheat. I made a promise to myself. I'm committed to Bambi. He is the man of my dreams. I love him. But. I love Leo too. What happens now? Any advice?