Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Don't Fare Well

I'm trying to think of something to say. I feel like writing but I don't feel as if I have much to write about. My emotions have been a bit weird. I feel emotionally switched off at times, but then I'll be fine a little while later. Expression has never been my strong suit. I wish I knew how to express feelings the right way. It's such a basic, almost infantile, skill. Yet I don't have it. Josh is having an article written about him in a paper, and so he provided them with my phone number to do an interview for the article. The interviewer asked many questions. They ranged from basics like how we met to questions a little more in depth. I was asked "how would [I] describe Josh?". I had to catch myself from talking too much about his good qualities. I really do love him. He's so patient with me. I told her many times over the course of the interview that he's not just my boyfriend, but my partner. We support each other and are always there to help if the other person needs it. I've been dealing with a lot of emotions lately, and I'm unsure as to why. All I know is that I wouldn't be where I am right now without Josh. He's perfect. Even writing this right now I'm tearing up. I'm not emotional but something about that interview brought these feelings back up for me. I think I had lost sight of my own feelings for Josh. In trying to suppress my depression and anxiety, I forgot about my rock. I'm lucky to have someone like him by my side. It's easy to fall into the monotony of your life. You forget what life really is. You forget what love really is. You forget who you are. Being asked those kinds of questions about Josh made me think. We both haven't felt great today and I've been busy so I haven't spoken to him about it yet. I don't know how to get out of the metaphorical hole I've been trapped in. But I'm trying. I'm coming to terms with my past and trying to lay it all to rest.
I drove home late tonight. I decided to go an alternate way home and pass JP's house. I slowed down, I stopped, I took several moments, I looked, I turned up the volume, I listened, I observed, and I saw. It was familiar. I knew what was beyond those windows and walls. I knew who was there. I wondered if anything had changed. I wondered if she realized who he was yet. I wondered if she would ever get fed up like I did. I had to go. I pulled away and continued my drive home. Past the familiar buildings and where his kids went to school. Past where we met. It's sad how places that once meant so much to you now become stale and distant memories. I checked my rearview to see if he had seen me and followed where I was going. The roads were empty and it was a smooth ride. I listened to music and tried to drown it all out. By the time I got home, all of the little kids in costumes were long gone. The streets that once crawled with little ones in disguises was now desolate and void of any Halloween celebration. It was past their bedtimes. It was past my bedtime. I showered, crawled into my warm bed and began to write this. I guess I'm learning how to express little by little.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Praying

The last couple days have been weird in terms of my family. I have an aunt and uncle that we don't talk to (on my mother's side). I found out by complete accident from one of my cousins that my aunt had moved in with her daughter (my other cousin) in another state. I thought it was weird because of how far it was from her old house. I told my mom and she did a little digging, and things got discovered. After some research and making calls, we found out my aunt has lymphoma. She's known for about a year and a half, and no one told us anything. Only upon complete accident did we find out. It makes me think a lot about that dynamic. My mom and her siblings fought a lot in their adult years. My aunt and uncle did unforgivable things to my mom and did her dirty beyond repair. There's a certain animosity that I harbor against them both, but at the same time I try not to wallow in it. My family fell apart years ago and it never got repaired. My mom tried and the other two didn't want any part of it. I'd be lying if I said I missed them. I miss the idea of having extended family and people to count on, but not them as individuals. When I heard the news this morning from my mom, I wasn't emotionally affected. It sucks she has cancer, but it didn't feel as bad because I truly don't know her. I feel guilty for not feeling more sadness or worry. But I can't force emotions that I don't have.
Many people in my life have done me wrong. I've gotten hurt physically and emotionally and mentally. I'll carry that pain around for the rest of my life. I will never be the same person that I was before those individuals came into my life and took a piece of me with them as they left. Some of those people are neutral to me - I don't strongly care what happens to them. Then there are those that I hate. Hate is a strong word, but some people deserve it. I have scars that will be with me until the day I die. I often have dreams of the people I hate. I dream of hurting them like they hurt me. Sometimes my thoughts are disturbing. I've planned in detail how I would torture them and disable them from running. Killing is too fast sometimes. If I have to live the rest of my life affected by the pain, they need to feel some of that pain as well. I've caught myself smiling when daydreaming about the torture. Call me fucked up, but I think the world needs more eye-for-an-eye style punishment. There's only 1 person I would wish my life upon. The memories and flashbacks and fear and perpetual state of anxiety. I want that 1 person to feel what I felt. To see what I saw. To fear for their life like I feared for mine. To have to beg for the torture to end. I'm a harder person now because of those experiences. I find it more difficult to love someone and be loved in return. I want that person to know the irrational fears I have because of them, and how much they affect my daily life. I can only hope that one person gets what they gave me.

"Some say in life you're gonna get what you give, but some things only God can forgive"
Hey, listen.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Back to Me

I feel like I've done so much, but at the same time nothing at all. I try to write more often to keep my mind flowing and clean, but I've been busy. I've been reading a lot of stories and books and poems and sonnets for my English classes. I've been taking (painfully) tedious notes in statistics. I've put more effort than I thought was needed into faking not knowing the language for my German class. I've spent hours upon hours in the library or at home or on the bus reading and studying and writing papers. The good news is that I'm positive 3/4 of my professors like me.
I've been trying to balance out my school life with more social things. I've met friends for lunches/dinners, I've put effort into conversing more with my friends, I've made plans to hang out way more than I normally would. I've gotten great grades so far so I'm trying not to stress myself too much. My back has been killing me the last few days. It's gotten to the point of being so painful that it makes me nauseous. Even right now laying in bed I would rate my pain a 6/10. It's uncomfortable and is getting in the way of my work. I can't sit or stand for long periods to write papers or listen to lectures otherwise I can get into excruciating pain. Chronic pain is a bitch.
Lastly, some stuff has happened in my personal life. Josh's mom got into a crazy accident that totalled her car and sent her to the hospital. It was an interesting day. I've also found myself staying up later than usual. I like to be asleep around 1, but lately I've found myself awake at sometimes almost 3am. I found out my cat needs to take a pill every night, so that's been worrying if we can't get him to take it sometimes. Today I hung out with Gurmeet and his family for a few hours. I learned about Diwali and ate homemade Indian food (and dessert). It was nice just talking and feeling relaxed.
Anyway, I suppose my life could be worse. I've been thinking about the past recently and how much I've grown. I'm not the same person that I was 2yrs ago. Some people just don't seem to understand that. It takes time to accept your life and be happy with who and what you are. I was a very passive person in the beginning of my childhood. I was impressionable and weak and wanted to make everyone else happy. But now I've grown into who I always wanted to be. I'm tough and a little abrasive. I don't have a filter. I don't care what other people think. I'm a straight shooter and don't like fake people, and I have the mouth of a sailor. I've put up extra walls since I was last broken down. It's been a struggle but I've come out stronger over the last couple years. Not everyone has the luck of becoming a better person after tragedy.

Friday, September 8, 2017

43:12

Getting adjusted to the new school hasn't been very difficult so far. I'm getting to know the basic layout of the campus and where buildings are. I know my way around the library now and can manage the dining hall. Though, I'm still not into the socialization just yet. It's a huge campus so I pass a lot of people during my time there. Some of them I can tell I'd be good friends with judging on what they're wearing or how they carry themselves. But I'm much too reserved to actually talk to people. I only speak when spoken to, or if forced to do some kind of group discussion. Overall, I'm enjoying this experience. The classes are higher levels than I'm used to coming from a community college, but it's refreshing. People use larger words in longer sentences about more complex thoughts, and I love it.
I was leaving the library after dark a few days ago after spending a couple hours studying and doing some work. I like to listen to classical music when reading so I had my headphones in listening to one of my favorite pieces - The Firebird, composed by Igor Stravinsky. I walked by the security checkpoint and through the lobby. As I opened the door to the outside world I felt a crisp breeze on my face and the finale of Firebird was playing in perfect harmony to my opening the door. It was a literal breath of fresh air that seemed to hit me all at once. It was just a very powerful feeling that radiated from within my chest. I felt good. I felt motivated. I felt like this is truly where my life was leading me. My grandmother walked the steps of this library. My Great Uncle walked the steps of this library. My mother walked the steps of this library. And I am now walking the steps of this library. I don't regret where I've been and the lessons I've learned since I graduated high school. If I would have come straight to this college, I would have missed out on so many great memories and adventures. I don't want to ever forget where I've been, but I truly feel this is where I belong. Every time I look out onto the quad, I can picture my mother playing frisbee with her friends. I can see my grandmother rushing to classes. I can see my Great Uncle making his way to the library to do research in his rented carrel. It makes me smile thinking about the history that campus has for my family, and now what is has to offer me. Life works in funny ways, I suppose.

Friday, September 1, 2017

The King's Astronomy

I had my first day of classes earlier this week and I was nervous as hell. I didn't want to admit it, but it was a totally new environment for me. It was a little intimidating getting used to the large campus and many many different buildings in which I had my classes. I finished my first full week today and I can honestly say I've enjoyed it. I don't know why, but I just feel at home there. It's like that school is where I'm meant to be. Something about the campus and the professors and the students. Everybody on campus seems so nice and friendly. At my first college, it was more like a high school. It was very clique-y with a small student body and limited groups. Then I went to a bigger college with a real campus, but it didn't have the best people or extra student groups to be interested in. Now the campus I'm a part of is teeming with student life and groups and gatherings. I'm not a social person really at all in my daily life. I don't speak unless spoken to, and even then I don't say very much. I've always kept to myself and didn't mind at all. But hearing my mom's stories about when she went to the college and all of the memories she made makes me want to possibly branch out. She's being persistent with telling me to make friends. It almost sounds like someone trying to socialize an animal the right way. Socializing has never been my thing - I'm just bad at it. I don't know how to (appropriately) respond to things people say me, and even if I try I end up rambling and not making much sense. I save myself the headache and use music or homework to occupy my free time on campus instead of attempting (and failing) to make friends. My usual train of thought is that I have better things to do than pointlessly socializing with people that will bear no significance in my life. It sounds very cold, but it's true. However, I'm second guessing that thought that I've lived by for many years. Maybe it'll feel good to make friends. Maybe I'll find some odd club on campus where I'll meet people I'll be friends with for life - or at least until I graduate. It's a little bit of an internal struggle at the moment. Most other people wouldn't see socializing as being such a big deal, but to me it is. When you've been guarded and overly cautious for so long, it's hard to face the possibility of letting new people into your world.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

180?

I met with Josh a week ago to join his family on a vacation. It was the first time we had seen each other in 16 days. Being in a long distance relationship, 16 days wasn't horrible. It wasn't pleasant, but it could have been worse. He and his dad picked me up from the station, we went back to the hotel suite we shared, and I unpacked. It was a calm evening and we just enjoyed each other. The next day is when something peculiar happened. Josh and I went into town to hang out and enjoy the weather together. I took out my phone after we pulled into our parking spot and saw I had a text. It was from Leo. My insides didn't know how to react. It's been almost 6 months since we last had contact. I told Josh that I didn't know how to respond to the text. I had so many questions and emotions. I gave myself a couple of hours to think while walking around town and nothing seemed right to say. I texted him being honest and saying I didn't know how to respond. From there, we began talking. It was obvious to me that he wasn't comfortable opening up. He's more guarded now than before. We texted intermittently throughout the next few days while I was in vacation with Josh and his family. We all went out to dinners and enjoyed time with one another. Josh and I watched several movies together, drank, and I even had part of a weed brownie. It was a good vacation. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Leo would come out of the blue. Sunday night I asked Leo what he was doing the next day and invited him to hang out. I had my mother's car so we rode around and talked and caught up a bit. We ended up by my childhood home by the beach and it was a wave of nostalgia. We drove back to his house for drinks (non-alcoholic of course) and we continued talking. We spent about 3 hours together, and parting ways was difficult. I didn't want to show it, but I was afraid. What if I left his house and we never spoke again? What if this was like a hit and run and he decides he doesn't want me back in his life? Was I too nosey with my questions? Or too aggressive with my conversations? I said my goodbye and drove home. We continued to text (which made me very relieved), and I invited him to come with me on some errands today. He (seemingly begrudgingly) agreed. We spent today walking around my new campus and finding my classrooms (which is more difficult that one would think), getting coffees, buying a new school bag for me, and getting gas. It was a fun little adventure and I enjoyed our time together. He's been my best friend for years. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. I missed that the last 6 months. The depression that hit me after we lost contact was insane, and something I never want to go through again. I asked him today if he thought he would be leaving my life again because my mental health couldn't take another depression like that. He told me I had nothing to worry about, but of course I still worry. I know his mental state could be better right now, and that's something I'm trying to help with. Getting out of the house and into the world helps with depression. I don't want him slipping deeper into his depression. It's going to take some time, but I hope he can learn to open up to me completely again. I'm getting bits and pieces, but not everything. I've missed Leo so much, and it's surreal to think a week ago I would have thought you were crazy if you told me Leo and I would be talking and seeing each other again. Most of me gave up hope on ever speaking again. I suppose we'll see what happens, but it feels good to have my best friend back.

Peaches en Regalia

*Original Post was from 8/13*
I'm deciding to write about my week of vacation in installments at the end of my days when I soak it all up. We rented a house by a big lake. 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a fire pit, and 2 separate personal docks.
8/5
Getting here was a relief. It took a bunch of traveling and arduous driving to make it, but it was worth it. The house is beautiful. We chose rooms, unpacked, then my dad got the fishing poles out and ready. There are so many fish in this lake. It seems like you can never have your bait in the water more than 30secs without a nibble or a bite. My first catch was a small rainbow sunfish. Obviously not a keeper, but his colors were gorgeous. We all lost track of time fishing and reeling in many many many pieces of seaweed (or rather lakeweed?). We lingered outside a while after concluding the fishing session. My dad and I both looked up at the night sky and saw a shooting star streak across the sky, and of course I made a wish. At the end of the day, I went to my room and got comfy. I opened my window and heard the smooth sound of gentle waves. I chose this room because it faces the water and the view from bed is pretty nice. I can even hear the bugs outside. They aren't being drowned out by loud music or fast cars or sirens or buses or railroads. It's nature's soundtrack.
8/6
Today was again a very lazy day. My brother and I decided to swim in the lake. We each grabbed a couple pool noodles and jumped in. It was a little chilly, but not awful. My dad joined us eventually and we just floated and swam around for about an hour enjoying the weather and waves from the boats zooming by. We had a night in for dinner with burgers, fries, and fresh corn. Then for dessert, we started a little bonfire next to the house and made s'mores. After that, we all just chilled. I'm in bed right now writing this and it's so nice. There's a nice lake breeze coming through my window and I can hear the waves softly hitting the shore. The only engine I hear is from the harbor master going the length of the lake to make sure no one is in the water. Besides that, it's silence with a hint of nature.
8/7
It really is gorgeous out here. Every morning we wake up and eat breakfast at the bar in the kitchen and look out at the water. You can see boats going by and water skiers speeding past as the sun is reflected in the water. Today we traveled north to see a Museum of Fun. I thought it was lame but when we actually went inside it was really cool. I found myself spending more time with my dad talking and exploring together. I don't get a lot of time with him in our normal lives, so these trips centered around our family are great. I've always been a daddy's girl and I doubt he'll ever see me as anything other than that. We played old school arcade games and won some tickets. I traded some in for a bracelet. It's a cheap neon yellow pull string bracelet, but I love it. My dad got it on for me and I want to always remember this trip by looking at that stupid little bracelet that's currently still on my wrist. We got home and fished for a while before going in. I can't be at this house and go a full day without fishing at least once. Now I'm in bed early because we pick up the boat tomorrow morning. This vacation has done me wonders already, and it's only a couple days in. I'm a simple girl that doesn't need much to make me happy. Give me a fishing pole with some bait and my family and nature and I'm happy. Being in a quiet place like this helps my anxiety and depression. Even Josh sees a difference just by the way I'm texting. All of my worries and anxieties have faded greatly. I don't have to worry about school starting soon or shit going down at work or getting books for my classes or doing chores. I fish, eat, sleep, go on little adventures, then fish again. When I'm older and have the means, I would love a lake house. Somewhere familiar I could retreat to when life gets a little overwhelming. Hopefully one day I'll be able to meet that goal.
8/9
I never want this to end. I sleep well all night, wake up to breakfast downstairs, then start a day of fun. We picked up the boat yesterday morning and my dad and I were going to drive the boat back to the house. We made it maybe 10 minutes and it overheated. The smoke was so thick and disgusting we could barely breathe. My dad opened up the engine hatch to let it cool. We called the marina and they rescued us (after waiting 45 minutes), and gave us a new boat. Turns out the water pump wasn't installed correctly after rebuilding the engine, so it had no way to cool off. We used the new boat to fish for the rest of the day, and just chilled. Today my dad and I took the boat to a marina across the lake and picked up an inner tube to drag behind the boat and a pair of water skiis. It's funny to see the boat boys on the dock watch me as I dock and tie up the boat. Most people wouldn't expect a girl to love fishing or be able to pilot a boat or build and start a campfire with just wood and a match or be able to navigate by the stars. But thanks to my dad who was a former Boy Scout, I've learned my share of skills and nature appreciation. I'm thankful for the life I've been given. Having time away from my usual monotonous life helps me refocus. My life hasn't been easy, but I'm still standing. I have a variety of skills that a lot of people don't have. I love stepping away from my normal life and being able to try and do new things. I attempted to water skii twice today and it didn't go very well. The first time I flopped over before I could pull myself up, and the second time I lost a skii and face planted into the water. I'm determined to go back tomorrow and at least get up this time. My dad told me that once you're up, the rest is cake. Overall, this vacation has been amazing. We still have a few more days here and I can't wait to take advantage of it all. Whether it's fishing or playing with the water toys or laying out in the sun doing nothing. And even times like right now when I'm writing this. I'm laying in bed with my window wide open looking out onto the water and listening to the waves. If I close my eyes, I can feel myself rocking as if I were still on the boat. Each day here has surpassed my expectations and I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. My legs are a bit bruised and banged up and I took a fish hook to the finger today, but that all adds to the experience. And for those of you who don't know what a fish hook impaling you feels like, it hurts like a bitch.
8/10
I actually got up at a decent hour today. I didn't sleep in as late because I want to take advantage of the time we have left. My brother and I decided to go tubing again on the back of our boat. It was insanely fun, and more difficult than you would think. I took major air on multiple occasions and ended up hurting my elbow. We went back to our dock, I took some Aleve, and we headed out to water skii because mama didn't raise no cry baby. After 3 tries, I finally got up. Not all the way, but still up. I made it up twice but didn't last long at all before wiping out. We decided to rent the toys for another day to continue the fun tomorrow. Tomorrow we need to return both the toys and the boat, so I plan on taking full advantage. My parents and I went out to eat without my brother and it was a nice change in pace. After getting back, I decided to go for a sunset kayak up and down the lake. I paused on multiple occasions because it was breathtaking. In a kayak, you're very close to the water so watching the sunset was spectacular. I had to get through a couple wakes so I really learned how to maintain my center of gravity. I did a lot today and I'm honestly exhausted, but I can sleep when I'm home. I'd rather wake up and enjoy the day instead of wasting it sleeping.

8/11

We had to return the boat and water toys today. My dad and I loaded up the boat with the skiis and tube and were going to bring them back to the marina across the lake first, then bring the boat back to another marina we rented from. We untied the boat, got in, and then my dad realized he didn't have the boat key. Panic set in as we were (not so slowly) drifting towards a rocky beach-like area by the side of the house. To keep us from beaching and ruining the boat, I took my flip flops off and hopped into the cool water. I had on a pair of sweats (it was a little breezy) and a t-shirt instead of my bikini because I wasn't anticipating getting wet. I had to manually push the boat back out towards the water, run to the dock, and grab the line my dad threw at me to tie the boat before he drifted out. We got the boat docked again and I yelled at my dad for not making sure he had the key before undocking. I was completely soaked so I changed my clothes before heading out again. We set out one more time to return the water toys across the lake. Once that was done, he and I left on our last journey on the boat. I piloted most of the way, but the boat started running out of gas. I cut the engine and googled where the closest fuel station was, but the signal in the middle of a lake isn't always reliable. My dad started it back up to see if we could make it the remaining 8 miles to the marina, but we couldn't. The gas gauge said we still had about 1/8 of a tank left (which would be sufficient to make it to the marina), but it just wouldn't start up again. We had to call for yet another rescue because we were aimlessly floating in the middle of the lake with no gas. Help arrived and assured us it wasn't our fault. Apparently the woman who had the boat before us had the same problem with the gas gauge, and it isn't accurate. That made us feel a little better about getting stranded for a second time. He gave us a few gallons to ensure we could make it back to the marina, and we did. After all was settled, we met up with my mom and brother who picked us up. We got ice cream at a place that's apparently widely known upstate. It was very creamy and the chocolate dipped waffle cone I had was incredible. We all came back to the house after ice cream and now we're just hanging out. It feels good to enjoy one last evening together before our trek home.

8/13

I remember taking one last walk outside to the docks before we left and feeling sad. I would probably never be back there and see that view again. The house faced west, so it had a perfect view of the sunset over the lake. The last night we were there, the sky was the clearest I had ever seen. It was like standing in a planetarium. I could see a lot of different constellations and planets. It made my dad wish he would have brought his telescope. I took advantage of the last night at the house. I ate half of a weed brownie and enjoyed the stars. When everyone turned in for the night, I sat by the front window in my room that overlooked the lake. I listened to the waves and felt the soft breeze on my face. I flashed back to that moment as we pulled away from the house for the last time. The week we had there felt like a dream. It was perfect in every way imaginable.

After about a 3 hour drive, we stopped for the night in a little motel. We continued the rest of the way this morning and made it home. The only thing that kept me smiling when I walked in were my cats. They were happy to see me, and I missed them a lot while away. I suppose it's nice sleeping in my own bed with my cats, but I'll miss the soft waves that lulled me to sleep. It sucks to be back to reality, but I leave again in a few days to join Josh on another vacation. I miss him, and it'll be nice to be reunited on a vacation together.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Beartooth

I've been feeling very free lately. The last week especially. I've seen my friends and had an amazing time, not feeling the slightest of worry or pressure. Last Saturday was Warped Tour. Andrea, Daniel, Josh, and I spent the entire day together. I picked Daniel and Andrea up in the morning and spent the ride out to the venue laughing and talking and bullshitting. We ended up getting there late, but no one minded too much. We saw a bunch of different bands, bought over priced food, and of course got some merch. There was one moment in particular that stuck with me though. My mom has told me before that if I ever get severely injured, think of a specific moment in time and put yourself there. Remember the smell and feeling and sound and the little details. We were all up on a raised platform above the crowds to see a band perform. We were all watching and enjoying the atmosphere. It was that moment that I decided I would remember. I took note of the sun on my face, the gentle breeze through my hair, the slight tug on my right ear from an earring blowing in the wind, my chest pounding with the deep vibrations of music, the distinct smell of marijuana in the distance, and the freedom my soul felt. I closed my eyes and just focused on the moment. I had my friends and boyfriend around me. I was happy. We eventually moved on and left later in the day. We all stopped by Wendy's for some fast food and ate in the car. We dropped everyone at home, then headed home ourselves. Due to plans with my family the next day, I couldn't stay the night. By the time I got home it was around 1am, and I was exhausted.
On Wednesday, I saw Gurmeet. He got an internship, so we will no longer be coworkers. However, we vowed to keep in touch no matter what. He's that typical gay best friend that you check out guys on tinder with and gossip about mutual friends. We saw a movie together, then went out for an early dinner. He and I ended up at a 5Below right next to where we work, and got matching key covers to symbolize our friendship. It's stupid and silly and doesn't make much sense, but it made us happy. Losing him at work is going to be difficult. We would always mock each other and compete for the highest ranking in the store for company credit cards. Seeing him on the schedule when I got to work made me happier and more excited to work. I hope he comes back, but at the same time I'm happy he found something better for himself. I know one day I'll be leaving too, but I genuinely love my job and most of the people I work with. I'm a senior cashier and top performer for the store. I like being a big fish in a little pond, but it'll be different without my partner in crime.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Interestingly Insane

The last 36 hours of my life were insane. Fun, but insane. Daniel and Andrea came with me to Josh's house on Friday and we planned a sleepover. We all wanted to hang out and eat and drink and have fun, so we did. When we first got there, the pool was first on the agenda. We spent a couple hours in and around the pool just laughing and hanging out in the sun. The big event we had planned for the evening was to make our own weed brownies. Daniel doesn't do weed but he was cool with us doing our thing. So I made canna-oil and whipped up the brownies. While they cooled, we all went out food shopping to get dinner. We picked out some stuff and went home to cook. Andrea made an amazing meal (which I helped with). Then the fun started. Andrea, Josh, and I decided to have a brownie. All was going fine till it started to hit Andrea. She said she felt dizzy and then as Daniel tried walking her to a bed, she fainted and had a literal seizure. She's struggled with them for a while, but I've never seen it happen in person. Since it was starting to hit me too, I didn't comprehend the seriousness of the situation. I was calm and we handled it, and she's fine now. It was pretty intense trying to deal with a seizing person while in the middle of being hit with an insane high. Turns out, apparently edibles trigger shit for her. Now we know. But once she was in bed and good to go, it started to hit Josh. I barely remember what went on for the following hours but apparently it was pretty entertaining according to Daniel. Josh and I decided to turn in around midnight to go to sleep because we were both too high to function. I made the brownies WAY too strong. So I start getting Josh into bed then have a feeling I'm going to throw up. I run to the bathroom to start puking, and I leave Josh in midair (in a lift) since we were in the middle of going from chair to bed. Daniel heard the commotion and helped us out. I have no idea how, but we somehow got into bed and I was out like a light. The next morning I felt groggy and hungover. I've never had a hangover from getting high, but it's bad. I still feel weird and it's been over 12 hours since I ingested the brownie. Anyway, we got all of our shit together and cleaned up, then left to head home. After missing our first bus due to a bathroom emergency, we were on our way. All 3 of us were falling asleep on the bus, and I know Josh was too back at his house. We made it back home and split up. We're all seeing each other next weekend for Warped Tour too so I'm looking forward to that as well. I have a very small group of friends, but they really are my world. I'm thankful to finally have the time and abilities to see them. It makes it extra special since they love my boyfriend too. All in all, my summer has been fun. It's been interesting, but definitely fun.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Fun with Nuns

I just got back from a long weekend at Josh's house on Monday. It's felt so boring around the house without him to keep me company and without us doing things together. We met his college friend for lunch, perused the stores in 2 different malls, got my ear pierced (my 6th piercing), saw his best friends' hockey game, went out to drinks at a bar with his group of friends, learned how to roll a proper joint from an expert, made dinner for 2 and an Oreo pie, inherited a weed bowl from his friend (then bought our own), smoked almost every day I was out there, went to a baseball game with my family, and laid in the sun for hours with no real plan for the day. We did a lot of stuff from when I got there last Thursday to when I left on Monday. It seems really stupid, but it was such a perfect mini vacation. The biggest responsibility I had while there was watching his 2 young nephews for maybe 15mins. There was no doing dishes or vacuuming or dusting or laundry or cat boxes or work. It was just Josh and I doing whatever we wanted. In the original plan, his parents weren't supposed to be home but shit happened and they couldn't go to Virginia as planned. But Josh and I made the most of what we had, and it was awesome. It was relaxing going out onto his deck late at night and smoking together. I had just learned how to smoke a bowl with a pipe so I was trying it out as often as possible. He and I would just chill there and talk and take in the world. The stars were beautiful the last night I was there. You just take in the smells and sights and feelings. I learned that smoking a bowl doesn't get me insanely high, but just enough to feel it and feel silly. And very hungry. The first night I got so high that I don't even remember what I did in bed with Josh. I'm assuming it's good because he told me I should get high before sex more often. Whatever I did, it was clearly liked. Overall, it was an awesome little stay-cation. On Friday we're planning another sleep over with Andrea and Daniel this time. We're gonna go in his pool, drink, make some weed brownies, maybe go to a strip club, and enjoy ourselves. I've never really felt this type of freedom before to just do whatever I wanted and go with the flow. Is this what summer is supposed to feel like?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Cee-Lo

**This was supposed to post 6/14 but I suck and it didn't post, so here it is. Just pretend this was from a couple weeks ago, k? K.**
I feel like I'm really starting to get back to who I was before the semester took so much out of me. I've been able to have some fun and relax, finally. Andrea and I went out for dinner and drinks last week and it was so much fun seeing her again and laughing together. I've been slowly cleaning my room over the course of the last week or so, and I'm actually enjoying it. It feels good to organize and get everything cleaned up.
Last night Josh and I went to a Rise Against concert, which is one of my favorite bands. It was a little chilly, but feeling the music flow through you does wonders for your mood. You don't just hear the music, you actually feel it. It was still early after the concert, so we decided to get together with his friends. We grabbed some alcohol from Josh's house, got some mixers, then headed over. It was 3 of his guy friends there and I was a little nervous at first. I want his friends to like me, and I didn't want to stand out as being that annoying girlfriend that goes to Guy's Night. I soon fell into the flow of things and it was so much fun. We all drank and played dice and bet money. There was a lot of drinking and laughing and cursing and it was perfect. I fit into their group and it felt right. I didn't feel like the odd man out. We played for a couple hours and left around 2:30am. I put down $50 and won back $46, so I think I did pretty good for my first time around. By the time we got home and settled it was a little after 3am. It was the most fun I've had in such a long time. I hope this is what my summer will be like.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Lo-Fi

It's been a long time coming, but it finally came. I graduated with a degree. I did well in everything and made it past this school. I'm done with community college and moving on to a more reputable college. The only thing I'll miss is the familiarity I had with it. It's hard for me to get mental maps of new places so I find it difficult to visit unknown places. The new college is much bigger than either of my previous colleges. I'm beyond nervous, but also excited. This Thursday I have my credit evaluation and I'll see how much longer I have until I achieve a BA. Then I'll do at least an MA with hopes and dreams of a PhD.
Now that school is out of the way, I feel happier. The stress and depression are still there, but they're fading. I think I'm getting back to my normal bitchy, and  sarcastic (to a fault) self. That's really how you know I'm coming back. I start getting more aggressive and tease everyone around me. I'm slowly resurfacing once again.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Space Cat

I've really been trying to get myself together. My depression is slowly eating at my soul. I find it hard to sleep and eat well. I usually eat salads and drink water often and skip snacking during the day. Recently, I haven't been doing what's healthy. My overall mood is low. Low energy, low happiness, low productivity, low everything. The only times I put on a front are at work and around my family. At work I'm always known as the happy one who bakes, wears quirky t-shirts and greets people by saying good morning at any time during the day just because it sounds happier. I train the new hires and take care of my customers. I have my work friends and we all laugh and have a good time. Work can actually relieve stress sometimes for me. Working with the right people just keeps you in a positive head space. I know that at work, there's nothing else I have to focus on. My attention is purely on my job and that's it. It's like a mental vacation sometimes. I forget about due dates and finals and chores and homework and responsibilities. I'm good at my job and it makes me genuinely happy when I see my customers satisfied. We got a group of about 6 or 7 mentally slow people come by the store with 2 care takers. The woman I ended up with was obviously not all there mentally but she and I had an in-depth conversation about The Golden Girls (one of my favorite shows). I could see that she appreciated someone talking to her and genuinely caring. It's moments like that that make me smile. But as soon as I come back into the reality of my life, it sucks. Everything seems bland and boring and I have no interest.
Josh has been bearing a lot of the weight with me being like this too. I wish it were as easy to get rid of depression as it is to get it. He's really been patient through it all. I love him immensely and I'm thankful he's with me. I just have no romantic motivation. Conversations are boring (not just with him) and I feel out of it. Some days are better than others, but others are worse. I feel tired all the time but can't sleep when it comes down to it. I feel like I'm riding blind on a horse. I can't see where the fuck it's going and I have no control; I'm just along for the ride. Just gotta hold on and hope I don't fall off.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Because That's My Life

I wrote an entire essay that I was proud of on here. I voiced my feelings and felt good about it. Then I accidently closed out the app without saving. So. Long story short - I feel like a failure, but my therapist insists I'm not. Still feel like shit. I compare myself to others because I'm extremely self critical. The end.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

North Wind

Depression has snuck up on me once again. Putting on a brave face for my family or at school or work is second nature at this point. But my energy feels totally depleted. Every morning I wake up and already can't wait to be back home. My willingness to put effort into my classes is dwindling as well. I'm either sleeping, day dreaming, or taking half-assed notes to look productive. I lay awake at night just thinking and not sleeping. I've always been more of a night owl, but it's getting a bit out of hand. It's 2:30am and I just got into bed. I don't know where the time goes. I just enjoy it when everyone is in bed. No one is asking questions or telling me to do something or just in general being annoying. I enjoy my time alone. I'm definitely an introvert so after a long day at school, all I want is to silently play Zelda in my pajamas with no one talking to me. I'm finding it even difficult to text lately. I just get so caught up in my own thoughts or things I'm doing that I just totally forget conversations and the people I'm talking to. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I really wouldn't mind living with it like I had during high school, but it isn't just affecting me. Josh is concerned and I never want him thinking it has to do with him or something he did. It's who I am. I'm prone to depression and anxiety in certain situations. If I could change it, I definitely would. I hate being like this.
Today in history, we were talking about Russia in the early 1900s. I was actually somewhat paying attention in class and while I was half daydreaming, I heard the name Trotsky. That's how I have Leo saved in my phone. I can't remember how the name came about, but for whatever reason his contact name has been Trotsky for years. So when I heard the name, I snapped out of my daze and paid attention. We learned about the revolutions and Bolsheviks and touched on Marxism. It was actually somewhat interesting. That being said, of course Leo crept into my mind more so than usual today. I try not to linger on him because it hurts. I don't take loss well so I just don't confront the emotion. That's my coping mechanism. I still wonder how he's doing on a daily basis and of course I don't have answers. At this point, I'm losing hope that he'll heal enough to bring me back into his life. All in all, there are several elements to this depression I'm feeling. I wish it were as easy to deal with as some people think - "Stay positive" "Think happy thoughts" "Just try smiling" "Get over it" "Stop being dramatic". I know there are people that have it much worse than I do, but my heart is still aching. It's like trying to fix a hole in your boat with duct tape and play-doh. Yea it might hold for a little bit but that shit is fragile and can give in at any moment. It looks sturdy from the outside, but under the surface it's taking on water.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Carl Vinson

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind lately. I think about school, work, friends, Josh, and just life in general. Being so close to becoming an actual adult is scary. I don't have adult skills yet. So knowing that in a couple years I'll be out of college is kind of intimidating.
Another thing in my brain is the current political climate. The entire world seems to be on edge just waiting for something to happen. All it takes is a spark and the whole thing goes up in flames. My mom wants my brother to learn Korean in case something crazy happens down line. She wants him to be able to work as a possible translator instead of a grunt sent out to die. Some say it's paranoia, but I can't help but see it too. I'd rather be over prepared than under prepared. I've been thinking about it a lot for myself as well. Growing up, my mom always told me how her father and his brothers all fought in the wars going on because they owed this country their lives. I'm only a 2nd and 3rd generation immigrant, so I've heard straight from my grandfather's mouth how America gave him a new life. It helped both sides of my family to proper and grow. They were given the opportunity to live the American dream, and for that they were eternally grateful. I was raised under those same beliefs that you owe your country service if it needs you. Most families here in the States can't tell you a story about their family immigrating here. Millions and millions of people have been here for generation upon generation. That value of hardship is lost for most, but I still have it. I have the stories and pictures and documents fresh in my mind. If my country needs me, I volunteer. Josh doesn't like the idea at all, which is understandable. I'm praying nothing terrible happens, but no amount of praying can stop the inevitable. While watching the news every night, I think about Leo. He's still in school, but I'm sure if they desperately needed bodies he'd be called up. I worry for him when I see things getting tense overseas. I watch the news almost every night and always stay as informed as possible. I don't want Leo deployed. I'm worried about him for the personal reasons of course, but the military tension doesn't help. The entire world is on edge, and I can't help but have that weigh on my shoulders.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

"Why me?"

Josh and I had our talk today with college class that was about his disability. Josh, his mom, and I sat for about 2hrs discussing his condition and what it's like living with it. I really only had a little tidbit at the end where I spoke, but I found it interesting to listen. I knew bits and pieces of the story but didn't know it from beginning to end. It was interesting to hear it from his and his mom's perspective. Once the talk was over, Josh and I went to a 5Below for junk food then headed home. We spent about an hour or so at home watching Men in Black together and eating the junk we bought. I really don't pay much attention to Josh's disability because I've gotten so used to being around it, but it's good to be reminded every once in a while of what his story is. He's a fighter and extremely determined. It reminds me how lucky I am to have him as my boyfriend. Josh is a great person all around, and I really can't find many flaws to complain about. Being with Josh makes me comfortable. I know I always have someone behind me to encourage me or keep me going in the right direction. I like to think I make him a better person, but I know for sure he makes me a better person. I don't really know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I feel like people may look at he and I as being an odd pairing because he's in a wheelchair, but it's such a unique relationship. You can tell we really love each other just by spending more than 60 seconds with us. I think everyone in the class appreciated what we had to offer and the insights given. And of course I had to tell them that Josh and I have a sex life, because what fun would it be if I didn't share that information? It's scientifically relevant of course.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Santosha

It's been weird lately. I've been feeling oddly positive but at the same time pretty stressed out. I took an Italian test today and knew what I was doing, or so I thought. I just checked online for my grade and was excited when I saw it was graded already. I figured at least a C. I got an F. I honestly don't understand how. I knew I wouldn't get an A or probably even a B, but an F? When I saw the format of the test, I was so relieved because I knew how to do it. Rewriting paragraphs and answering questions and things I knew how to do. I'm on spring break next week so I won't be able to meet with her for 2 weeks. I want to review that test and ask what I did wrong and what happened. She's such a nice professor and I want so badly to at least get a C. On that front, I'm very stressed.
On another front, things with Josh are positive. We have Book of Mormon next week as well as a talk we're doing together about being disabled and dating someone who's disabled. I'm nervous but somewhat excited as well. I hate public speaking but I get sort of a stage high afterwards. I miss that a lot from high school. Between the plays, musicals, concerts, singing gigs, and competitions, I was always feeding off of that positive feeling. I thrived on it. It'll be nice to see if I get that same feeling from this. A few days ago Josh also told me about a new drug that the FDA had finally approved to treat those with SMA  (what he has). It's supposed to help regain some motor function and strength. He actually cried when he told me. He's grown to accept his condition, but I know it still weighs on him and affects him every day. It's a heavy burden to bear, I can only imagine. However, everything beneficial seems to always have a drawback. If he did begin this treatment, it would put him at higher risk for certain infections and medical conditions. It's administered through a needle into the spinal cord once every 3-6 for the rest of your life. And the first year of treatments would cost  $750,000. After that it drops to a mere $375,000 per year for the rest of your life. Let that sink in. I told Josh that no matter what he chose, I'd be behind him. I just don't want him to end up in the hospital with a severe infection if something were to happen. I of course want him to regain some motor function and strength, but not for me. I know it would mean so much to him just to gain a little of it back. For right now it isn't much of a viable option, but you never know what the future could hold. There are several other SMA drugs currently being tested by the FDA, so who knows what may come out next. I remember a while back asking Josh if he would take a cure for his condition if it were to ever come about. Without hesitation he told me yes. I'd love to see him be more independent and on his own. I know it's what he wants. But I'm afraid of him taking that risk and losing. High risk means a high reward, but it can also mean a severe failure.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Dimenticare

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Almost too good. You know that feeling where everything is just going a little TOO smoothly? I'm doing alright in Italian, which is surprising. I met with my professor today and she told me she sees all of the effort I'm putting in and notices me participating in class. She actually said she couldn't see a reason to fail me and that she likes me. That lifted a little weight off my shoulders for sure. I'm not aiming high with Italian, but I know now that the professor likes me and sees I'm trying. Every other class I'm doing well in so far. I'm skipping a few more history classes lately, so that isn't good. But the class as a whole isn't terribly difficult. My work life is good too. I had my review and I was deemed to be "On Target". I feel like I deserve a little more than that but it is what it is. I'm enjoying my job and the people I work with. One of my managers and I have been talking about maybe organizing a Girls Night for some of the female employees where we'd go out drinking and hanging out one night. It actually sounds fun. Then Josh and I are just as good as we usually are. Nothing new and exciting, but still enjoyable. I'll never complain about Netflix and chill with some homemade sundaes.
I'm actually in bed before midnight today which is crazy for me. I've just been so tired lately every morning. Last night I had a fantastic dream about flying. Like I could control my own ability to fly in the air with my mind. I can still feel the sensation. I can't lie, I tried doing it a couple times today just in case it actually worked. I also had a dream about Leo the other night. I don't remember what it was about, but I know he was in it. I'm still trying to remember what it was. Maybe some dreams are meant to be remembered, and others forgotten?

Monday, March 20, 2017

Emotional MacGyver

The one year mark has officially passed for Josh and I. I'm his second longest relationship, but he's currently 4th longest for me. I guess I've been around the block. The weekend with him was fun. Prior to dinner, we smoked a little, drank a bit, ate some munchies, and watched a few hours of Sons of Anarchy. Then time for dinner rolled around and we stuffed our faces at a fondue type of place and just relaxed together. The night was fun fooling around and sleeping together. My favorite part about sex isn't necessarily finishing, but exploring my partners body. The crevices and veins and texture is unique from person to person. It's a turn on to be able to imagine what his dick feels like in my mouth because I know it so well. He finished twice within an hour, and it was fun getting there. Lots of lube and stroking and sucking and fucking. Honestly, I feel as if finishing during sex is overrated. Yea it's nice, but I'd rather see my partner happy and satisfied and know I did a good job. The next day, we went to a Devils hockey game. I enjoyed it and liked the atmosphere. I grew up on baseball, which is a totally different experience. My dad loves baseball but I just find it so boring to watch. I've gone to probably about 100 games in my lifetime and can really only remember a few that were worth it. Hockey on the other hand is so exhilarating and fast. It's loud and obnoxious and aggressive and just great. Josh's best friend is on the ice crew so we picked him out during the breaks on the ice. I headed home after the game, and I missed Josh as soon as I got on the train. Spending so much time with him then having to leave is the worst feeling. He and his ex used to go to games all the time together. That's something I wish we could do. I'd love to be a season ticket holder with him and spending several hours a week together just enjoying the thrill of a hockey game. Some couples really take their closeness for granted. Distance really sucks sometimes.
I miss Leo. I've tried to really repress it the last few days, and I've been surprisingly successful. However, I know the more I repress it, the tighter I'm packing the explosives. It's probably the hardest subconsciously conscious thing I've had to do. I try to clean out my messages every few days and delete old threads. But whenever I get to Leo, I can't delete it. I went all the way back in the thread and found where it began. January 11th at 5:48pm. The entire thread is made up of countless texts. I can't even put a number on how many there are. Some light hearted, some funny, some serious, some brutally honest. I'm starting to plan adventures for the summer for what's left of my friend group. Both of them have inquired about Leo and if he's going. I made up an excuse and let it be. I miss him, but I try not to. I tell myself it's best for him and that I need to let him finally maybe be happy. It isn't about me wanting to talk to him and have him in my life. It's about his mental health and his life now. I look back at those messages sometimes and I smile. I just scroll back to a random point and start reading. I can remember the thoughts I was thinking when I wrote those messages. If only I knew I'd be looking back at those stupid meaningless texts and treasuring them as the last (semi) tangible interactions with a friend who's now gone. I still wonder about him every day. Part of me knows he will forever be out of my life, then another part thinks it's just a temporary thing. He'll be back by summer. He'll be back by the beginning of the next semester. He'll be back by Christmas. He'll send me a text on my birthday. Something. I refuse to believe whole heartedly that he's gone forever. But that just means that if I'm wrong, it'll be even more painful to be let down at each imaginary date I set for his return. It's really hard to soak in the good times without your best friend to tell them to. I'm making it work, but just barely. At times I feel emotionally strong and stable and on top of everything. But then at other times I feel like I'm holding myself together with duct tape, a toothpick, and some shoelace.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Hg(CNO)2

I've been thinking a lot lately, and it hasn't been good. As I try to sleep at night, everything sort of hits me at once. My coping mechanism is to push it as far back into my brain as possible and never think about it again. Losing Leo tore me apart for a week. Then I decided to just push it to the back of my mind and pretend the world was ok again. I put on that smile and repress any negativity. While I live in my false reality, things all around me remind me of Leo. Kristen was talking about his roommate earlier today. I saw a U.S. Navy commercial yesterday. Josh told me about a guy he knows who's being deployed to Afghanistan. I have a hoodie that Leo got me hanging on the back of my door. I have the Star Trek socks he got me years ago in my sock drawer. I only wore one pair out of the pack because I want to preserve them. They're special to me.
Because of my wonderful coping mechanism, I feel combative as of late. I can feel my skin thickening in an attempt to protect myself in the future. My walls are becoming higher and stronger. I've wanted to reach out to Leo many many times since I last saw him. I've wanted to talk to his mom or roommate to see how he's doing. But reaching out at all would be exactly what Leo doesn't want. I'm unhealthy for him, and I have to respect that. But I feel like a ticking time bomb. I have layers and layers and layers of protection around my inside core. But if that core is shake, I don't know what is going to happen. I can't handle another heartbreak or upset. My mental health is dangling by a string right now. The only thing keeping me together is knowing that because of this separation, he's getting better. That's all that matters to me.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

50mg, 100mg, 150mg

The past few days I've been taking meds to calm me down at night. It's so hard for me to sleep. With Leo out of the picture, it only makes it harder. The clock slowly turns towards 2am while I lay awake thinking. I'm comfortable, warm, have a sleeping kitten next to me, and am exhausted. Yet, I can't get decent rest. My doctor told me to take one dose of a sedative he prescribed to help me sleep. I've been taking two for good measure. At this point, I don't care if I sleep half of my day away. As long as my mind is silenced, I'm ok with that. I spent my whole work day making jokes and fucking with my coworkers. I'd disconnect their sensor magnets, take off their bag holders, steal their receipt tape, or just poke fun at them in general. Laughing and making others smile makes me feel good. I have this feeling of impending doom for some reason. I want to forget what I feel and what I think. I want to focus on what ridiculous thing I'm going to do next to mess with my coworkers. I want to focus on making my sales goals. I want to focus on a history test I have on Monday. I want to focus on myself and my mental health. But I can't. I'm stuck in the prison of my own mind. My depression is creeping back up on me and I'm trying so hard to stop it. Leo broke my heart. Not in a romantic way, but in a very hurtful and significant way. The number of people I trust has dwindled again. Will it ever stop?

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Invisible Sacrifice

Trying to drown out my emotions is harder than I thought. I started drinking today at 1pm. Josh and I binged Sons of Anarchy while I tried to drown myself in rum and Oreos. We spent hours and hours and hours just watching Netflix and occasionally talking. It was somewhat soothing. The alcohol was making me happier, Josh made me more comfortable, and Netflix distracted me. It was a nice combination. Then I had to head home. The second I got into the Uber, the anxiety was back. I saw Leo had opened my messages around 3pm so I know he's out of there. I tried to forget my thoughts by blasting to loudest and heaviest rap I know. My eardrums started to hurt, but I didn't care. It helped to silence the thoughts for a while. I came home and had to put on my happy face. I showed my parents a bouquet of roses Josh had surprised me with. I told them it was just a random gift, when in reality he was trying to aid in my ever growing and consuming depression. I watched tv and did laundry for a little, then decided to drink some more. I'm willing to do almost anything to get myself emotionally stable again. I should be happy. Josh and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary in a couple weeks, and I've gotten accepted to the senior college I applied for. This should be a happy time. But it's not. I'm missing my right hand. Leo isn't there for me to text or talk to. I can't ask how he's doing or what's going on. I can't ask for his opinion or tell him about whatever bullshit happened during the day. I know I can't talk to him. He decided that our relationship was unhealthy because of his feelings for me. I can respect that. But in taking this step back, I'm taking a toll on my own mental health. I feel as if my fuse is too short to be dealing with the public for 9hrs tomorrow at work. But I have to. It's selfish of me to talk to him because I know it isn't good for him. Either I fuck him over or I fuck myself over. I've seen him get fucked over too many times in the years I've known him, so I'm taking the loss. I want him to get better and to heal. Sometimes the greatest sacrifices are those unseen to others. Besides Josh, no one sees the state I'm in. No one knows the mental anguish I feel. As long as he gets himself level and healthy again, I can deal with it.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

(Un)Inhabitable Zone

I never would have thought that I would leave my visit with Leo in worse condition than when I went in. I had been anxious and nervous all morning looking forward to seeing Leo at the hospital. I couldn't even enjoy my yoga class because I kept thinking about how to get there and what to say and where to go and the rules I had to follow. I got to the campus about 45mins early and was told I couldn't enter. I loitered at a local Dunkin Donuts until the appropriate time. I got my visitor wrist band and walked to the building. It was nice on the outside (and the inside too). I figured out where to go and saw Leo sitting at a table by a window playing with some pin-up girl playing cards. I didn't want to seem too excited to hug him, but it felt so good to feel him again. To know he was ok. We talked about a lot of things, including astronomy and astrophysics. I was only supposed to stay for 20mins because I had a class to get to, but I skipped because I just couldn't leave him. I brought food and we ate and drank tea and talked. Leo eventually told me that he had spoken to someone about our relationship. They thought the relationship was unhealthy because Leo has feelings for me beyond friendship. I had known this already, but didn't think it was getting in the way to the magnitude he explained it to me. He compared me to a cigarette. Saying I was bad for him, but he just can't seem to walk away on his own. That me being in his life made it more difficult. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head. I tried to lighten the mood a little and play it off and tell him that was stupid. But he got very serious and told me I was being manipulative trying to convince him not to listen to the guy who told him this. The hour visit was up way too soon. I told him that if he didn't want to ever see me or speak to me again, I wasn't his mother. I can't force him to do anything. But I made sure to make it clear that he won't be the only one affected if he decides to just cut me out "like breast cancer". He walked me to the exit and I turned around to say goodbye and he was already walking back, too far to yell for him. I left with the group of visitors and told myself to hold it together until I got outside. I took a deep breath of fresh air and put my headphones in. As I walked away, I looked back at the window where Leo was sitting during our visit and it was empty. Empty chairs at an empty table. I turned my music up and didn't look back again.

Monday, February 27, 2017

10 Minutes

I finally found Leo. As I was getting ready for the day, I missed a call from a random number. I listened to the voicemail and it was Leo. Part of me was excited and happy that he was ok. But the other part of me sunk to the floor. He was in an inpatient psychiatric ward. Long story short, he gave consent to be taken in for treatment. They stripped him of everything he had, even clothing. He called me from a communal phone, and told me to call back later around 9pm. I got another missed call from him at work. On my lunch break I decided to call and eventually got through to someone who took a message for me. We finally got a hold of each other and hearing his voice gave me a sense of relief. What he's gone through there is terrible. Visiting hours are very limited, so seeing him is difficult around my work and school schedule. I'm debating whether or not I should tell my parents. I know he wants to keep it contained that he's there, but it would help if I could borrow one of my parents' cars to see him during the later visitation hours. I'm seeing him Wednesday, but only for a half hour between my classes. It'll be the first time I've seen him face to face since the summer. I just want to hug him and see his face to make sure he looks ok. Where he's being held is actually only a 10min car ride from my house, so it's easy to visit. It's just the restrictive hours that are the problem. He and I talked for an hour on the phone in 10min intervals. Each call can only last 10mins so he kept having to call me back. It's comforting to know he's safe. But it concerns me with how lonely it must be in there. He said he likes his roommate, but there are some real crazy people in there with him. I've shed a few tears since I spoke to Leo a few hours ago, but I'm trying to fight the depression and anxiety. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. I can count how many friends I have on my two hands. And that's including coworkers and my boyfriend. I don't trust many people. I don't let them get too close because I'm guarded. Leo is my best friend, and to know he's alone in an unfamiliar place with literal crazy people is breaking my heart.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

MIA

The last few days have been both stressful and confusing. Leo seems to have dropped off the face of the earth with no warning. I've sent over a dozen texts, left voicemails, contacted both his sister and his roommate, and messaged him on every social media site. It's unlike him to disappear with no forewarning - and seemingly into thin air. I've been driving myself crazy trying to piece together what could have happened or where he is. He's been beyond depressed lately and I'm worried about his mental health. I have very few people in my life who I consider friends. And I've even go so far as to say he's one of my best friends (I have one male and one female of course). Part of me thinks it'll just be some stupid thing that came up and we can laugh about how psycho I'm being. But then the other part of me is worrying and thinking worst case scenario. I naturally have a lot of anxiety, so for someone I love and hold dear to go missing is disconcerting. It just doesn't feel right to me. It's been a full 2 1/2 days since I've heard from him, and it's driving me crazy. I'm checking emails, social media, texts, and calls constantly. Each time I see my phone flashing with a notification, I hope it's Leo. I just want him to be ok. I don't have a lot of friends. I can count them on one hand. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm praying I'm wrong and this isn't a bad situation. Leo - if you're reading this, just let me know you're alive.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows

The last week or so has put my life into perspective. I'm usually the one in my group who listens to your problems and gives advice, and I love it. I love helping my friends and seeing them happy. Leo has been working through some tough shit for a while, but the weight is just too heavy for one person to carry. I remember a point in my own life not too long ago where I felt like everything was pointless. I felt like a waste of space and I was good for nothing. Being a depressed and anxious perfectionist is very difficult. But then my life actually got better. I met new people, reconnected with old friends, and saw that life can be just as sweet as it is sour. A coworker of mine, Gurmeet, has also become a close friend. We spoke on the phone for over 3 1/2 a few days ago. We both cried and laughed and swapped stories from our lives. He came out to me as being gay. It meant the world to me that he trusted me with that. Prior to him telling me, he had never said it out loud before. He told me about his home life, specifically his mother. We just kept talking well into the night. We worked together yesterday and I brought him a little bag of chocolates. I've been making homemade chocolates with fun fillings, so I made him his own special ones. In return, he bought me lunch. We bust each other's balls at work, and bicker like a married couple. But when we actually sit down and talk, it's such a beautiful friendship. With that being said, my I sometimes take my life for granted. I've gone through some tough shit in my life. Shit that I would never wish on anyone. Memories and thoughts still haunt me time to time. But my life in the here and now is sunshine and unicorns compared to Leo and Gurmeet. I've hit a few rough patches recently, but we all do. When I think about how much my life sucks sometimes, I think about how others have it so much worse.

Friday, February 10, 2017

20 Signs...

I started back up at school and my life has been filled with the usual nonsense. The classes are easy, and even enjoyable. The only challenge is Italian II. I barely remember Italian I so it's been an interesting ride trying to figure it out all at once. Yoga has been nice, and relaxing. I can finally use my mat again, after almost a full year of collecting dust. Archery has been fun as well. I'm one of the few in my class that has shot before, and it's seen clearly in my target by the time I finish. History is boring, but I have Kristen to help get me through it. English is interesting. I'm taking an autobiography class. We have to write about our lives and experiences. At 21, I've been through more than a lot of adults can say. Seeing where the memoir papers lead me will be interesting.
Josh and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary next month. It seems like so long ago, but at the same time it feels like only a couple months at most. I read this article by Cosmo listing 20 signs you met your future husband. I read them and thought to myself that those 20 signs were completely true. Josh is perfect in every way. But I've been distant lately. The past couple weeks have been so weird. I love him completely to death, but it feels as if I'm loving him through a pane of glass. That's the best way I can think to describe it. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It isn't his fault, and I don't think it's mine. My past may play a part in some kind of attachment or commitment issues. I'm not really sure what it is. But I'm working to figure it out. I could spend days listing all of the reasons why Josh is perfect. I can also go on for days listing the reasons why I'm not perfect. And somewhere in that list is the answer as to why I feel this way. I think we all spent a part of our lives dreaming and creating this perfect mate. What color eyes they have, what exact color their skin will be, how long will their hair be, and what color? What kind of shows will they like, do they have pets, would they want kids, and how many? We secretly have this blueprint of our perfect soulmate in the back of our heads. I always figured I would settle for a great guy, but who was outside my plan. When I met Josh, the deal was done. He checked off everything I could have wanted in my future husband and more. He fit what I wanted, and what I needed in my life. So the question still remains: why am I trapped behind the pane of glass?

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Normality

Atlantic City feels like a distant memory. It was only a week ago (around the same hour of night) that Josh and I were getting home from our first night at the casino. I'm looking at my duffel bag still packed on my bedroom floor, and the heels I wore to dinner sitting in the corner. I feel like sometimes I take things for granted. I live in the moment, but I feel like maybe I don't absorb them enough. I'd give anything to teleport back to exactly a week ago. I was free. No parents or work or obligations. Just me, Josh, casino chips, and free drinks. My life just seems so empty when Josh isn't with me, and texting doesn't always fix that. Sometimes texting grows wearisome and I want to see him in person. We're going to a concert this Saturday, so I'll be staying over then. I wish we were like a normal couple. I want to see him more than once a week, and for more than a few fleeting hours. I want to grab lunch just because we can. Or stay out late watching a movie. Or do brunch on Sundays with our families. I was thinking about it earlier, and it shocked me. Josh and my parents have really only had a sit down meet and greet once. We all went out to dinner and they met him face to face for the first time. They've seen him from the car or here and there, but that's really it. I know that he and my mom talk fairly often via text. I'm not always sure what it's regarding, but I think it's sweet. Then I think about the interaction I've had with his family. They treat me like one of their own. I see them just as often as I do Josh. His mom and I have bonded to the point of sharing clothes. This time last year, I had no idea who Josh was...but now, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I think he is quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

A Little Higher

The birthday trip has officially ended. I'm working at 7am tomorrow, so I'm heading home a couple hours early. The last few days have been nothing less than perfect.
I slept over at Josh's house Sunday night, and it was fun per usual. The next morning we departed for Atlantic City. It was about a 2 1/2hr drive, but we made it fun. We talked and sang along to music and wasted time doing whatever it is we do that makes time move so quickly. After we arrived, Josh showed me around the casino and I was definitely intimidated. I don't like new places that are totally unknown. I played a slot machine as my first game. I lost my first dollar, but I was OK with that. We went out to a nice dinner and got glasses of wine. I changed into comfy clothes and we settled in the casino playing roulette and black jack (my favorite). The first night I actually came home with a profit of $4. The sleep that followed was the best sleep I'd had in a very long time. Josh and I cuddled and slept completely through the morning. It was around 2 by the time we got out of the room, and the day of gambling began again. I lost some money and it wasn't going my way. Josh and I decided to go to his van and hotbox. I got high as a kite, and only remember long hallways and lots of food. By the time we got back to the room after ice creams at Friendly's, I was sobering up. We watched tv and talked and eventually got into bed. I slept completely naked next to Josh. It was a nice feeling. Something about skin on skin just feels so right. This morning we started a little slow but eventually got moving. I played  $20 on one last black jack attempt, and lost it all. I'm still walking away with some money left in my pocket, which is a good feeling. We made the journey back home and I watched AC disappear in my rear view mirror. Unfortunately reality has to take affect once again. We cruised at 80mph most of the way home and sang and talked and made the most of the fleeting time we had.
When looking back on a couples vacation like that, it's kinda cool. It's just me and Josh. This was our first true trip together where it was just us. He thanked me several times for helping him get up and dressed and all of that, and I really don't know what to say to that. You do whatever you have to do for your significant other. It doesn't bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. It's different than a normal couple's experience, but that doesn't make it bad. I enjoy every activity that has him in it. Whether it's gambling together, rolling him into bed, going out to fancy dinners, or scratching his nuts for him (yes, it happened in depth). I'm thankful for the man I have in my life, regardless of his physical state. He's an amazing guy. So if having a relationship with him means I have to scratch his nuts every once in a while, I can live with that.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Personal Life

Today felt odd. Not in a bad way, though. I'm legally an adult who can do whatever where ever with whomever I want; no legal restrictions. I bought myself a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade after work today. The upsetting part is that they didn't card me. You spend your whole teenage existence dreading if you'll be carded, but now I actually want it. I felt like writing tonight, but I guess I don't have much to say. While I may be 1/5, Josh is 1/6, so his birthday is today. We're going out and getting legal drinks, shopping, and just tying up loose ends before the ball gets rolling on Sunday for Atlantic City. Sunday I stay the night with Josh, then Monday-Wednesday we're in Atlantic City. I bought a brand new dress today that I absolutely love. It isn't my usual classic black, or even a similar fit and flare style of what I normally choose. This one is a gorgeous red color with a partially open back, and a neckline that makes me feel beautiful as fuck. I guess it's sort of like all of Chapter One is over. In my Wikipedia page, this would be where "Early Life" ends and "Personal Life" begins.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

@_@

In less than 24hrs, I'll be 21. I remember thinking about this birthday back when I was 16 and thought it would be so cool to be so old and mature. I would have my life together and be successful. In some aspects, I've been successful. But generally speaking, I've fallen short of what younger me expected. I may have found the man of my dreams, but that's really all I've accomplished. I've taken several college courses on a wide variety of subjects. I know much more than I did in high school, but nothing has come of it. Come spring, I'll have a degree to show. But only a minor associates. I don't even feel the need to capitalize it because of its insignificance. Turning 21 should be a fun time. A time when you feel happy and just a little more mature. Of course I'll be happy and having fun, but there's still that nagging feeling of how unaccomplished I am. I'm dating a man going to law school. That in and of itself is intimidating. I have friends who are in the process of getting major degrees that will better their futures. I know I'm making progress, and for that I'm grateful. But I don't want to be that one weird old person in the lecture hall who looks like they could be chaperoning a middle school dance. Nor do I want to be a 35yr old with no college degree and no meaningful future. Being (almost) 21 is kind of freaking me out, I can't lie. Time is going too quickly, and I don't want it slipping through my fingers.

Monday, January 2, 2017

All That Matters

I finally needed to have the talk with my dad. I brought it up really out of thin air and told him I wanted to switch majors back to psychology. He had questions, and wanted answers. But it wasn't agressive. There was no anger or visible disappointment. At the end of the conversation, he told me "All that matters is that you're happy". I wanted to cry and just do a huge sigh of relief. Once we parted ways for the night, my shoulders felt completely free of burden. I could enjoy my break and look forward to the future.
I left for Josh's house the next morning (New Year's Eve). My dad gave me a ride part of the way and I made sure to tell him I loved him before closing the car door. I'm lucky to have a dad like him. He can be difficult, but I'll always be his little girl and he'll always be my dad. The transit gods were on my side, and I made it to Josh on time and sane. We talked and hung out with his parents while they got together some food for his brother and his boyfriend next door. They were going to spend a majority of the night there, which left Josh and I time to just be together. We made drinks and ate and talked and watched tv. We watched the ball drop, kissed, and his parents came home shortly after. By the time Josh and I made it to bed, I had had 6 drinks. 5 rum and cokes, and 1 spiked hot cocoa with homemade alcoholic whipped cream. At this point, I should have a bartending license. I put on a pair of his boxers and a big tshirt to bed. After some fun, we cuddled up and went to bed. I'm unsure of how long we slept, but we didn't get up and out to lunch till around 1. I eventually got a (long) ride home and was greeted by my cats and family. 2016 has some major downs for me, but it also had many amazing positives. I'm turning 21 in a matter of days, Josh and I will be dating a full year come March, I'll get an associates degree (baby steps), and hopefully get into the last college I will ever attend (Lord help me). 2017 has the blueprints to be a pretty awesome year. I hope all of you in the audience (all 3 of you) had a great New Years. Except JP. Go fuck yourself.