Nudes

I finally spoke to my mom about changing my major. The look of disappointment when I first brought it up was discouraging. But it soon passed and we began talking about what careers I would be interested in and what's worth while. We were eating out together at our favorite diner, and it was nice being alone to talk. I think she could see the distress on my end, which is why the negativity didn't linger. I told her I'd love to do forensic psychology or something like it. I've always found violent crime and murders so fascinating. Forensic Biology was probably one of my favorite classes I have ever taken. I loved seeing the dead bodies and learning about decomposition and gunshot wounds and strangulation. It's so cool. She told me to do research on what exactly it was I wanted to do, and to find out how to get there. But she also reminded me to stay realistic and not think life is like a tv show where anyone can work for special agencies doing crazy criminal investigations. I need to choose a path and stay on it. That's a point she made clear to me, and I agree with it. I can't keep dancing on the edges.
On a much different note, I've been thinking a lot about makeup recently. I have a small collection of liquid lipsticks, stains, tinted balms, and even a lip exfoliator. Today I bought my very first makeup pallet and eyeshadow brush. I didn't spend much money because I don't know if I'm any good at it, but what's the harm in trying. I've watched a few basic tutorials and got the gist of makeup. Sort of. I'm gonna follow one step by step and see what happens. I actually tried on a liquid lipstick a few hours ago, and the only way it came off was with makeup remover. It stayed on through the shower and drinking and snacking. I can definitely see me wearing this when Josh and I go away together. Now that the weight of the world is somewhat off my shoulders, it finally feels like I can breathe again.

Swimming Pools

The school year has semi-officially ended, finally. I had my last class and last couple of in class tests. It feels good to know I don't have to stress like how I was before. I went over to Josh's house yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow (or technically today, it's past midnight). Yesterday we spent the day around the house baking cookies from scratch and just hanging out. It's the little things that make me see that life doesn't suck all too much. I forget if I've mentioned this yet on here, but he and I have planned a trip for my 21st birthday. January 9-11th we'll be going to Atlantic City. The room is booked and we even made a nice dinner reservation for our first night there. I'm excited. It isn't very often I can do something like this. I can count on one hand the times I've felt truly carefree and happy. I'm just excited. I get to go away on a vacation together, just he and I. Granted it's only 2 nights, but I didn't want to stay away too long since my brother's birthday is a week after mine. All I have to do is get through finals. I have one tomorrow but it isn't one I'm stressed over. I'm leaving from my final and straight to Josh's house. We're seeing Rogue One then doing some odds and ends shopping for assorted birthday and Christmas gifts. I can't wait to spend more time with Josh, now that my schedule finally allows for it again. He's always been the rock I needed when things got messy or stressful. He's one of my best friends, and I want to spend the rest of my life growing old and being us.

Because I'm (Un)Happy

It's almost 5am and my mind is restless. I worked till 12:45am today. I drove home, listened to music, and couldn't wait to just lay down. But now that I'm in bed, I just can't sleep.
A coworker and I went out for lunch together today. His name is Gurmeet. He's probably my favorite coworker. We take jabs at each other all day at work but we really do care about each other. Last time we went out to lunch he opened up to me about how he was bullied as a kid and his early childhood. This time we got on the topic of school and told him my situation. He was in a similar position a couple years ago with his parents. They wanted him to be a doctor but he just wasn't into pre-med. He tried to make it work but he actually started to think suicidal thoughts. That's when he had to sit his parents down and tell them he couldn't do it. His dad told him how disappointed he was. But now Gurmeet is so happy. He has a perfect GPA and is studying what he loves. He told me he actually feels happy and excited in his classes. I haven't felt like that in a couple of years. I loved psych. I took a psych class last semester but it was a repeat of a class I had already taken so I didn't learn anything new. I was always so happy and looked forward to learning. Gurmeet told me that it might really suck and it'll probably hurt, but I have to just talk to my parents and explain to them that nursing just isn't for me. Gurmeet wasted about $45k on tuition for pre-med over the course of a year. So while I may have wasted more time, he wasted more money. The hour flew by and I to go back to work, and he had to head home. He made me promise that I'd talk to my parents before Christmas. I know I have to, but it's so terrifying. My mind keeps going over possible reactions and outcomes and it's hard to get it out of my brain so I can sleep. Gurmeet told me that once he told his parents about how he felt, the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders and he felt so much better. It hasn't even been a full week since I've decided for sure what I'm doing and it's killing me. I know they'll be disappointed but I can't push myself this hard over one class. Today I got affirmation from yet another person that I needed to do what was best for me and I'm making the right choice. I really am thankful to have a friend like Gurmeet. We keep each other sane at work and grounded out in real life. There are only a select few in this world who I open up to, and it's nice to know they all have my back.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

Today yielded many answers. I met with an advisor at my college and explained my situation and concerns. She was very nice and took her time explaining things. We spoke for about 45 minutes, and reviewed different outcomes and possibilities. The only way nursing would be possible would be if I pulled a B next semester, nothing less. I'm working my ass off and stressing myself out beyond belief all for barely a C. I can't realistically pull it off, and I know that. I know my limits now, and I have to move on. I hate to admit defeat. It isn't something I've really ever done before. I've always had a fire in me to keep moving forward and fight as hard as I could. That fire was partially extinguished today. I officially dropped my anatomy class for next semester and replaced it with things I needed. As long as I complete those requirements, I'll be walking in June to accept a diploma. It's only an associates, and I don't know if I should even both walking across the stage and wasting people's time and money on such a stupid thing. I'll be transferring to another local senior college for the Fall 2017 semester. The advisor told me that getting my Associates would avoid a lot of hassle with the transfer, and I'm only 9 credits away so why not. Next semester consists of a history class, archery, yoga, Italian, and an abnormal psychology class. The only challenging thing will be Italian but I'm pretty sure I can scrape by. There are a lot of emotions since I came from that meeting hours and hours and hours ago. Anxiety, panic, depression, happiness, doubt, relief. All rolled up into one human being. My parents still don't know. They don't even know I met with an advisor today. I'm going to give it a week, maybe even two before I tell them. I want to talk to my therapist and make sure I have my head straight. I know this was the right choice but I'm not sure what they'll see. I have a feeling my mom will be slightly disappointed but understand. My dad is another story. He pushes so hard and gets angry when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential. Chaos ensued when I transfered schools and majors for the first time. I can't imagine again. But when I complete my BA, I want to continue on to a MA, then maybe even a PhD one day - I have dreams. But the flame I used to have to guide me through the dark now feels like it's barely a flicker of embers.

When Penguins Fly

I've taken a few days to seriously contemplate my options. I understand that I'm not out of the race yet, but it's a very small chance I'll be accepted into the nursing program. Why waste another entire semester on something that won't further my quest for a degree? I've been thinking about possibly transferring to a local senior college where my mom and her mom went. Fate works in mysterious ways I suppose. It should be an easy transfer, but I need to speak to my advisor. He'll have a better idea of how to do this and what I should do in the mean time. I think this is the right step. It makes sense in my head. I spoke to a few of my lab partners today and they agree with my idea. One of them also has a small likelihood of making the nursing program so she may just continue the path she was on before switching. She and I are in the same boat. Our families put a lot of pressure on us to do well and it just isn't working. She and I have both busted our asses and have stayed mediocre. She's a math whiz and it comes easy to her, which is why she's going that route. She enjoys it and it isn't something that drives her crazy with stress. It's the same situation with myself and psychology. It's always come easy and I genuinely do enjoy it. I just felt like maybe I needed more of a push or a challenge. I went for a challenge and found that maybe it wasn't the right fit. I'm sure some penguins out there look up at the sky and want to fly up into the air. But they can't. It isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just the way things are. The toughest part is going to be my parents. I'm going to tell my mom that my advisor didn't think I'd make the program and suggested I focus my energy elsewhere, which I know he's going to say anyway. It scares me. I'm turning 21 and I still don't know in which direction my life is headed. Josh is the only certain thing I know. Every other aspect of my future is a toss up.

Winter Vibes

Enjoying the fun part of life is the only thing helping me to maintain my sanity. I saw Josh today per usual and we had the house to ourselves. We made Dino nuggets and mac n cheese, and talked and laughed about how we're supposed to be adults. We left for Manhattan a little while later with his friend and his date. We made it to the city and they saw a show while Josh and I went to the Winter Village at Bryant Park. Josh and I actually took a picture where he and I had our first kiss so many months ago. It was coincidence that we parked in the same garage, but it was so sweet remembering back to then. Anyway, Andrea was able to make it into the city too so we all hung out together. One of my favorite things was seeing Andrea and Josh interact. They get along perfectly and I couldn't ask for a better dynamic between them. We peeked into the stores, bought a couple hot chocolates, and walked around. We met his friend and his date again, along with another of Josh's friends. We all grouped together and the 6 of us went to dinner at a nice Italian place in midtown. I had 2 cranberry vodkas, enjoyed the family style food, conversation, and laughs. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better. I got home past midnight then baked something for a coworker's birthday. It's just past 3am and I'm finally in bed. I had a day somewhat free from stress. But that never seems to last very long.

Step 1 - Acceptance

My stress isn't getting any better. I've spoken to Josh and my therapist about it, and they both say they see how hard I'm working. I drive myself insane studying and taking notes and doing what I can. It just isn't enough. The last couple weeks I've been bleeding out of my asshole. Probably hemorrhoids, but I just don't have the time to go to the doctor. Even on days where I don't have classes or work, I am studying and writing papers and doing chores and taking notes. Today was the worst I've felt in a while. I felt so weak and out of it. I had to walk in the rain to and from therapy and it was miserable. I felt detached and tired. The 40min journey home felt like 4hrs. This is where I am with my health. My mental health is taking a blow and so is my physical health now. I'm working myself so hard and getting nowhere productive. I've wasted so many years and so much effort on things that in the end aren't going to matter. I've been pondering a lot of what-ifs recently. What if I never switched majors? What if I decided to go to my current college instead of my first choice in high school? What if I never met JP? What if my life had turned out normal? What if I weren't so compromised mentally? Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I be with, if anyone? When would I have graduated college and with what degree? There are so many questions I ask myself, but seldom can I ever answer them.
Some people are good are english and psychology and art, while others are good at math and science and technology. That's what my therapist said today. I've always been exceedingly good in the arts. It's always come as second nature. I can write an entire paper in a couple of hours and get an A. However, the sciences have never come easy to me. Math has been my downfall since high school. The only class I ever failed in high school was Marine Biology, and I came VERY close to failing human biology. I can want something so bad it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm going to achieve it. I'm busting my ass and doing what I can to try and make it work, but I just can't. Maybe I should transfer to a cheap senior college, gather the credits I have, and finish out the last 2yrs of a psych degree, or maybe even english. I can do that without a problem. Some things aren't meant to be. I still have the rest of the semester to fight and try to make the nursing program, but right now the chances are slim. This might just be one of the few times in my life that I have to accept a failure.

Pursue Better

My anxiety has been getting worse as the semester progressing. I'm studying and working as hard as possible, and my grades aren't reflecting it. I've been lying to my parents about my grades. My dad is disappointed when I say I got an 85 on an exam, meanwhile my highest grade has been a 76. I'm averaging around a D right now. The more I think about it, the more panicked I get. I'm technically passing the class, but I need a C. I need it in order to continue along the nursing path I've dreamed of. If I don't make the C, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's hard not to think about something you study often. Even right now my anxiety is around a 7/10. I have so many things in my life to be happy about, but I feel like I can't really sit back and enjoy it because I'm failing. I'm working hard and losing sleep and stressing myself out for absolutely nothing. I feel like a lost cause. I've had a few dreams that take place years in the future where Josh is the main bread winner. He has a real job with his graduate degree, while I'm working a low paying bullshit job with my useless college education. The thoughts haunt me. I never want to be seen as someone who is relying on someone else to take care of them. I've always pitied those women who let the man do the work while they do next to nothing. I want to be in a partnership, not a leeching relationship. I want to be someone who does something. If I don't make this work, I've wasted so much of my parent's money. I refuse to be a failure, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not making it.

The Dubious Realist

My emotions have been all over the map. I've been grumpy, stressed, confident, manic, yet composed. The stress of this semester has been getting to me. I hadn't taken my medication in a couple weeks, and I knew that I had to start again. I thought maybe I didn't need them, but clearly I still do. I had a woman at work the other day who treated me, my manager, and a close coworker of mine very poorly - cursing and being obnoxious. Things were thrown and words were said, but I kept my composure and made her go away. But that night, I was up until 4am. She triggered that manic side of me that can stay up all night like it's normal. I was up studying, watching tv, playing with the cats, and looking at old photos. I hadn't been like that in a while so it was weird when it came back. That's when I realized it was the lack of medication. Although I had started taking it again a couple nights before, it needed time to build up in my system. I was grumpy when I saw Josh, but I knew it would get better as the days went on and my medication would settle down in my system. I feel alright now, but stressed. The talk of grades and applying to programs and registering for classes has my anxiety through the roof. I try to pretend it isn't bad but sometimes it feels like my heart is in my stomach and like I'm trapped. I can't help but think the worst. I have to just stop and breathe. Even writing about my anxiety gives me anxiety.
As I'm sitting in the quiet of my house just before 1am typing this, I can still feel an impending doom. I don't know how else to describe it. It's a calm time around me right now, but I still feel as if something bad is going to happen. Things won't go according to plan, and I'll disappoint myself and everyone around me. I've wasted my parents hard earned money on flip-flopping between majors and schools. I'm supposed to be graduating this year with a BA, but I don't even have enough for a decent Associate Degree. I could probably round up all of the bullshit classes I've taken and roll that up into a liberal arts degree, but what the fuck is an Associates in Liberal Arts going to get me? My parents have spent thousands and thousands of dollars sending me to school and this is the best I've got. A liberal arts degree, maybe. I sometimes remember back to a fight my mom and I had years ago, and I'm sure she's forgotten this by now. But we were arguing, and she called me a failure. That's why I'm so afraid of the word. I've worked hard to get ahead in Anatomy and Physiology, but I'm barely keeping my head above water. Part of me regrets leaving my psychology degree in the dust and switching. I was halfway there. I was good at it. I would have been accepted into the Masters Degree Program easily. I would have gotten my Master's Degree in 5yrs, and been able to go out into the world holding some sort of an advanced degree. But instead I decided to take a path that wasn't so clear and easy, and I don't know if it will pay off. I've heard several sayings about how taking the harder path is more rewarding, but I'm not sure if those are realistic. The silence around me is deafening, and I'm trying not to listen to the whispers of doubt in my head. I've always been, and always will be a realist.

Thinking Out Loud

I've been seeing a new side of life lately. As my grades improve, so does my life in general. The progressing relationship with Josh confirms that my life is amazing. Even if my life doesn't follow the exact map I have laid out, it's ok. Why is it ok? Because I know Josh will always be by my side. Even though my life is still stressful at parts, it isn't uncertain. A year ago, I didn't know where my future would lead me, and if I'd like it. It's hard to put into words I suppose. Knowing Josh will be in my future relieves stress. I know I will always have an amazing man who loves me and cares about me no matter what. Our relationship is exactly the definition of one that will last. Josh does everything and anything for me, and I do what I can in return. My life went from having question marks and unknowns, to having periods and finite answers. I thrive on love. It motivates me and makes me feel that everything will work out in due time. The first 2 decades of my life had many ups and downs, but now entering my 21st year in a couple months, I'm confident. Even though I've gained a few pounds, I'm ok with it. I don't look perfect all the time (far from it), and I don't care. I don't apologize for my sense of humor or overly sarcastic tendencies. I've learned to love myself more because I saw someone else out there could love me just the way I was. Call us crazy, but Josh and I have been seriously talking about a wedding. My dress, venues, colors, everything. I even have a date picked out in my head. Something in me just knows he's the one. Every minute I spend with him just confirms that thought. God works in mysterious ways. I've been through hell and back to be standing where I am today. My past made me who and what I am right now, and for that I'm grateful. I'm stronger than I was a year ago today, and I sure as hell am happier.

Calcaneus

As the days pass, I realize how quickly the semester is going. Some things are familiar to me, and some are not. However I have something this semester that I didn't have last time. I have someone who helps me and let's me study and focus on what I need to do. Josh has been such a major help in everything I've accomplished this semester. I just took my second lab test today, and I felt more confident than I ever had before. I knew a solid 85%, then made educated guesses on the rest. I've never been able to look anatomy and physiology in the eyes and take it on like that. I was beyond nervous and knew that if this test didn't go well, I'd have a problem. But I walked in, took my answer sheet, then went to each station confident and proud of what I knew. As I covertly glanced at other people's papers, I saw they left almost half of them blank. That boosted my confidence even more. I was able to spell things correctly, accurately distinguish different bones, and was even able to label things I couldn't do last year. I had a dream last night before the test that I got my grades back and I did well, and I was accepted into the official practical nursing program. I was so happy, but so sad to wake up and see I wasn't there yet. But I know that as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I should be OK.
Last semester fucked me up in more ways than one, but it also helped me. It helped me to find myself emotionally, begin to heal, and to start cultivating a better relationship with my parents. I've become a better person. I feel as if right now, I am who I was always meant to be. I feel liberated in every way possible. I finally have control over my own life, and it feels amazing. I found someone who is not only my significant other, but also one of my best friends. I count my blessings every day when I text Josh and reflect on our relationship. We're coming up on our first Christmas together, and I can't wait. I've already finished a majority of the shopping for him, and I even have ideas for his birthday. We're a power couple, and I know it. I remember seeing him online for the first time and wondering why he wasn't taken already. Josh was perfect, and he still is.
Experiencing a real relationship like this makes me wonder what I ever saw in JP. But there is one thing I will always remember him saying, because it's true. He would tell me that he was just a stepping stone, and I'd move on. I didn't think it was true, and I don't think he wanted to believe it. But JP was actually right. I've advanced miles from where I was with him. And he's still face down in the dirt - in the same place he's always been, and always will be. Some people are made for greatness, while others are just made to exist. I know exactly which one I am.

Just a Small Spot

My mom and I were talking today after I got home from a city date with Josh. We were talking about how she has strange pains and has been losing weight without even trying. She even eats fast food at least once a week and still is losing weight pretty quickly. To most, that would be awesome and they wouldn't question it, but my mom isn't most people. Her father (my grandfather) died when she was only 18 from pancreatic cancer. My mom is a smoker and that put her at a high risk for cancer as well. She told me today that when she went for a routine lung scan about 6 months ago, they found a small spot. They said it was too small to biopsy yet, so she would need to come back in about 3 months to check for any growth and go from there. Here we are 6 months later and she still hasn't gone back. With her dad's history of aggressive cancer, it makes me uneasy. I downplayed it and told her should go back, but didn't panic. My dad already has had cancer and is still undergoing regular scans to make sure he's in complete remission. I don't need or want another parent with cancer. My mom didn't inherit the best genes from her mother or father. They both died before the average life expectancy and had health issues. It worries me, but I didn't want to let her see that. She's freaking out enough as it is on her own. I had no idea about the spot until today. It makes me wonder if there's anything else she's hiding regarding her health. With her weight loss she said she feels like she's "wasting away to nothing" while not even trying. Cancer cells deplete the body of nutrients and resources, so the actual healthy tissue don't have much to feed off of. That's why a lot of cancer patients lose an incredible amount of weight in a relatively short period. My mom just went for a full abdominal scan and it came back clean, but the next step is the lungs. It makes me nervous. I have such a long history of cancer in my family that it isn't even funny. Cancer isn't something you can dodge most of the time. My father's side of the family is cursed by breast cancer. My grandmother from that side and all of her sisters had it, and my aunt was diagnosed a couple years ago. It doesn't bode well for me. If my mom has cancer, I don't know what I'll do. We've been talking so much more than we used to; about her childhood, various family issues, her opinions, and even the relationship between her and my father. I'm finally getting to that relationship with her that's like a close friend. We aren't there yet, but I like the direction it's going. I've already dealt with so much loss and pain in my life that I don't know if I can do it again if something were to happen. I've lost more than half my family and a lot of friends, and I miss them all. I don't deal well with loss. I never have. Because of that, I find it hard to let go of things, thus why my room is cluttered. I pray nothing is wrong with my mom and it's just some weird aches and pains, and the spot was just a fluke. I can't lie, I'm freaked out. It seems like every time my world is falling into place, something pops up and happens to knock it off course again.

It's All Just Temporary

I had my first day of classes back from the whole week I had off. I was exhausted and falling asleep in my morning lecture. That isn't like me. I've been so attentive this semester so far, so being off my game isn't a good thing. But I know why I was tired. I got about 8hrs of sleep, so it wasn't that. It was the fact that for the first time in a few nights I had no one to cuddle. I got used to Josh being right there all the time. I'd put my legs over him, cuddle his arm, and my favorite thing was just to simply spoon. Being able to roll over in the night and see the person you love is such an amazing feeling. They're right there next to you in their most vulnerable state, just sleeping peacefully. I watched him for at least a few minutes every night and fell asleep to his snores. It was comforting knowing that I had someone next to me. My pajama shirt still smells like him. Even if I slept partially naked, I'd still keep my shirt on. His scent is on that shirt and I'm wearing it right now. I bunch up the fabric, bring it to my face, and take a deep breath. I know he's the one.
I've changed so much in so many ways since he and I met. I'm so much happier, less shy, and more outspoken. I'm still reserved, but I'm much more likely to voice an opinion or do something a little quirky. My social anxiety is still bad, but I'm getting more comfortable talking to my classmates. Everyone around me has noticed my attitude change. Josh brightens up my world like no one ever has before. I decided to change my hair color. It's something I haven't done in years. I even got a substantial hair cut. I didn't just trim the ends, but I took off about 4in. My hair is long and it isn't noticeable to anyone but me, but I consider it short now. I now have about 3ft of auburn red hair, and I love it. I can express myself and do what I want. I feel free. When Josh and I were around each other constantly, there were moments we didn't speak. There were times where a conversation ended for a few minutes, but the beauty of it was that I didn't feel compelled to keep talking. I was happy to just sit in silence and enjoy his physical company. It wasn't an awkward silence by any means; it was a comfortable one.
Today my mom gave me a small pep talk before school. She saw I was tired and clearly not in the school mentality. She told me "it's all just temporary". I have to kick ass at school and just make it through the next few years. I feel like the same applies to Josh and I. We both know that we won't be apart down line, and our situation for right now is only temporary. I have to work hard to achieve my goals and make the perfect life for myself. I know that as a lawyer, Josh will be making a decent income. However, I refuse to be a housewife who does nothing and pulls no weight. I want to do what I've dreamt of for so long, and that's the goal I need to keep in mind. I have an entire folder of pictures on my phone entitled 'Motivation'. It has quotes, pictures from Montauk, and of course various pictures of Josh and I taken during our adventures together. My situation is only temporary. One day I'll wake up next to Josh and thank the Lord that I made it.

Snug

All good things come to an end. This saying couldn't be more true right now. I'm staring out the window as Josh, his parents and I are caravaning home from Montauk. The 4 days I spent here feels like 4 minutes. I was able to experience living with Josh, not just staying for a night. We shopped, shared fancy meals, cuddled, watched endless Netflix, and spent pretty much every moment together. It was just as magical as I thought it would be. I don't just love him like I have with my other boyfriends, but I can see myself married. I can see the life we'd have together and it's awesome. His parents are looking into buying a beach house out here and that would be my dream for Josh and I. Together I know we can be successful.
Our last day here (yesterday), was the best day I think. We did some shopping, had lunch with his parents, watched the sunset, and went back to the hotel. We had attempted to roll a couple of joints the days prior, but they didn't turn out so well. We finished about half a joint and decided to call it quits. We instead made drinks, mac n cheese, and had snacks while watching Netflix. We skipped a fancy dinner to just do us and it felt great. I felt like that's what our marriage would be like. Fancy dinners are nice, but I'd gladly take some mac n cheese and Netflix. We hung out and got tipsy and finished a series on Netflix before getting into bed. I bought us some dvd's, and we watched one and got frisky. It was so nice to have our own space. We didn't have to worry about someone walking in or coming home unexpectedly. We did what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it. It was all up to us. The next we're going to have an extended sleepover like we just had would be next summer when his family comes out here again. It's usually for a week or two so it'll be longer than the short stay this time. Josh and I broke barriers that we hadn't crossed before in front of each other. And after living together and seeing each other in our rawest form, we still want to be with each other. This small vacation was a very important milestone for our relationship. His parents say they adore and love me, and I feel the same about them. This relationship is perfect in every way possible. I've found my perfect man and the perfect life. I still have struggles, as does everyone; but it'll be much easier to persevere because I know what my life is going to look like in 10 years.
Last night, I opened our back door around 1am and just stood there for a while. It was quiet, and all you heard were gentle splashes of water. The air was crisp and smelled like salt and fish. Some people would find that displeasing, but I grew up alongside a beach. Even the smell of low tide makes me smile. I stood there staring across into the marina as the boats were bobbing softly, and tried to take a mental picture. I noted the smells and sounds and sights. I turned around and Josh was in bed, telling me to join him. I took one last deep inhale and closed the door. I hope I never forget that mental picture.

Flight of the Valkyrie

The 2016 New York Comic Con officially ended today. I had been looking forward to it for 2yrs, since I had missed it last year. I spent time with Leo, Andrea, and Josh. It was Josh's first rodeo with a convention of any kind so it was fun to throw him into my world. I love NYCC. I loved it from the very first time I went years ago. I like the little booths and shops and costumes, but my favorite thing is being able to be myself without judgement. There are men dressed as women, women in revealing outfits, people with props bigger than them, and everyone looks like a complete dork. But no one cares. They don't care if you're overweight or the costume doesn't look perfect or your makeup isn't just so. It's about having fun and enjoying yourself. I went mostly casual for my first day on Saturday, but today I had a full costume. Hat, skirt, thigh highs, ruffle top, and I didn't feel insecure. I never wear skirts because of how self conscious I am. At NYCC I didn't care about what other people thought because I know we're all from the same dorky world. Strangers going up to each other asking for pictures or striking up conversations about a common fandom, and just being all around accepting. I'm not a person who easily fits in. I have to change myself slightly when I'm at school or work. I can't be uncensored and weird. I can't just break into anime references or curse excessively or dress up as an anime character. NYCC is the one weekend a year that I don't feel self conscious about what I like or enjoy. If I want to dress up as a cute/sexy giraffe, why not?
I love the feeling of being free. I'm leaving with Josh in a few days to head out on our mini vacation, and I'll be free once again. However, I still have school in the back of my mind. Stress never quite leaves me, I'm only momentarily distracted.

America's Sweetheart

Sometimes I like to think about the past and remember my mentality at certain points. I recall back only a year or two ago thinking that every guy I dated, I destroyed. They were fucked up after me. They dropped out of school, became heavy into drugs and drinking, and were all around societal failures. I thought it was me that caused that. When I reflect on it looking back now, it wasn't me at all. It was the guys I was choosing for myself. I dated guys for reasons I'm still not sure of, and thought that their failures were my doing. It wasn't me, it was who I surrounded myself with. Coming to that realization is freeing. I'm always hard on myself and think I should be better than what I am (and I think everyone is like this). But to realize that something isn't your fault after thinking for so long that it was is such a good feeling. I'm in a better place than I've ever been in my memorable life. Because of the positivity, my head is cleared of the negative fog and has shown me what life is. I've grown into myself as a person. I think I'm very different than who I was only a year ago. People close to you have the power to change you, whether good or bad. I was twisted into a person I wasn't. Passive, quiet, suppressed, and conservative. Now at times I can't shut up and I'm bubbly and happy and have a mouth on me that I'm not ashamed of. Josh brought me back into the positive light of life, and I have so much to thank him for. He'll never understand or see the person I was, because she doesn't exist anymore. I don't fuck people's lives up and I'm not a bad person. I'm not a passive little girl who takes everyone's shit. I'm proud to be who I am and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

Grumpy Pants

I just had my first round of tests. I'm exhausted on so many levels. I created my own 'cheat sheets' to help me study. I combined the Power Points from lectures with the text in the book so make what I felt was the perfect study tool. Definitions, diagrams, color coding, and everything else I could think of. I was extremely on edge the entire day, even after my exams. I had two A&P tests back to back, and so that's what made it so hard. They don't focus on the same material so I was tasked with studying two different sets of information. The lecture I was confident in until after I handed it in. I suddenly began to tally what I got wrong and it bothered me. It freaked me out and I started to get even more anxious for my lab test. Despite some incorrect calculations, I think for the most part I did well. The lab and lecture are tallied together at the end of the semester to figure your final grade for the class. The lab happens to be worth slightly more (60%) for your grade, so one slightly off test for the 40% lecture value isn't the end of the world as long as I did well on my lab. I was beating myself up all day for the lecture fuck up. Josh sensed it and was trying so hard to elicite some kind of positive response. It's my personality to be very dedicated and throw myself into things. I know this is beyond important so having so much self-doubt really impacted the rest of my school day. I was dedicated to the point where even after the exams were over, I was still fixated. It isn't healthy for me to obsess, but there are worse things I could be fixated on. Like today before my last class, I watched these videos of people's deaths being caught on camera, like being broadcast live on TV. It was surreal to watch numerous people shoot themselves in the head. One even did it with a rifle, and his blood and brains went everywhere. Most people would think that's disgusting or disturbing, but I watched the same 5secs of footage over and over again. It fascinated me. But that's a down side to being so obsessive. I sometimes find things and fixate too much. It makes me wonder why I find those types of things so interesting. Watching him get the gun, position it, then fire under his chin. I analyzed how the body dropped to the ground, his slight movement once he collapsed, the pattern his blood flowed in across the pavement, and even details of what he was wearing. My mom says I obsess too much over murder mystery shows. My favorites are Homicide Hunter Joe Kenda, and 48hrs. Sometimes I enjoy the less graphic ones like My Neighbor from Hell or Killer Women. I guess maybe that's the sicko in me who's fascinated in death and dying. Blood has never freaked me out before. I actually like watching my blood being drawn. The way it fills the tube so fast, and the deep red color. I sound like a psychopath, so I digress.
I forgot to mention in my previous posts that Josh and I are going out to Montauk in October together with his parents. I was shocked when my mom actually agreed to it, with no questions or argument. That level or freedom is something I've never had. I've never been able to actually travel with a boyfriend, let alone so far and without any opposition. All she said was to Josh, "Take care of her". She trusts him, and it's so obvious. She sees that we aren't a distraction to each other. She sees how hard I've been working in school. She's noticed all of the extra effort I've put in this semester. I've skipped watching our favorite shows because I had homework or something to study for. I'm actually enjoying how much I throw myself into my work. It feels good to focus and learn. Josh is there every step of the way encouraging me and not letting me get to hard on myself. His midterms are soon, and the roles will be reversed. He'll be grumpy and stressed, while I'm more the supportive and encouraging one. We're a team who strive for success, and I think my mom sees that. I think she's starting to see Josh the way I see him. He's become a part of me that I can never lose. I'm lucky to have him in my life each and every day. My life is going exactly how it should be. School is stressful which is normal, I miss my boyfriend which is normal, and I have a love/hate relationship with work. There's no extra drama or anything to steal my attention away from what I'm focusing on. My world is finally revolving around me and my needs, not anyone else who may disturb my peace.

Bonded

I haven't updated in a while. Classes and labs and lectures have kept me busy. For once, I can say that I'm actually understanding things like micro organic chemistry. I still need studying, but I feel so accomplished being able to follow along with the professor and not be completely lost and feeling defeated. I just wrapped up a late night study session. I was outlining a chapter and reading everything. I'm not going to get cocky because staying calm and humble is how I'll win this race.
On a very positive note as well, Josh and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It doesn't sound like a big deal in the long run, but it means a lot. He and I are long distance and don't get the time together like most couples do. We cherish the little time we have together and that's what makes us special. I look at Josh and see my future. His blue eyes, amazing dimples, sense of humor, and even his voice. We went to a nice restaurant overlooking midtown/downtown  Manhattan. We got there early and were able to watch the sun go from shining to spreading a beautiful rose gold over the city and the water in front of us. We both got drinks and fancy food. He told me I looked beautiful (as he often does) and I felt it. My hair was let completely down, I wore a classic black and white dress, and completed everything with makeup. Josh had never seen me with my hair fully down for a long period like that before, and it felt kind of liberating. My hair at this point is below my butt. It's gotten to the point where I sit on it frequently and it's longer than my arm, so brushing is a hassle. But I felt good about myself in that moment. That's something I could easily see Josh and I doing in the future. Getting dressed up, going to a nice restaurant, ordering fancy cheese plates and drinks, and just sitting there watching the window and talking to each other. It isn't often we get to enjoy each other's company, so I don't take it for granted. For our anniversary, he blew me out of the water. He got me a fire opal claddagh ring with matching white fire opal earrings. They were gorgeous and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I put them on immediately, and still haven't taken the earrings out. Me being me, I forgot Josh's presents at home. I felt like an absolute jerk. One sided gift exchanges don't really work.
Josh deserves way more than I can ever give him in my opinion. I can be distant at times and not easy to open up. I almost cried at our anniversary dinner, so I suppose that's a step. But I'm not as expressive as he is about his love for me. I love him more than anything in this world, but I never know how to say it. My therapist says that I just need to say it more and stop worrying so much on delivery and silly things. I want to give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. Josh is an amazing man that I can't fathom living without. Everyone around us approves of our relationship and are even talking marriage already. For once, I feel what it means to be in a healthy relationship. That's something I've never had before, so getting used to that dynamic has been a little strange. I'm still conditioned certain ways, but I'm slowly becoming my own person. I'm not what the world made of me, but what I make of myself. Josh is with me though it all and I know he has my back. I just pray he doesn't see something he can't handle.

Slalom Way

The beginning of the semester has brought stress. I know I can handle it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've only just completed my first classes for each. For the long Labor Day weekend, my family and I decided to go on a mini vacation. We left last night after I got out of work and drove about 3-4hrs to get here. As soon as I got out of the car, I was amazed. The stars were so incredibly bright. The house we rented is in the Poconos, so it isn't too populated and lit up. You can hear the crickets and cicadas chirping outside, and see nothing but trees and sky. The house we have is 3 bedrooms, so everyone got their own room. Today we started late because no one got to bed until 2am. We went fishing, and I caught my first fish (a rainbow trout). We had them filleted and scaled to fry up for dinner. I've never been a seafood person, but it wasn't bad. I guess tastes may change over time. Tomorrow we have a boat to go out on a big lake for some more fishing. We all enjoy it, and love spending that time together. I'm hoping to fit in some hiking as well, since it's so beautiful here. I love my family, and I love spending time with them doing fun activities. The only thing that could make this better were if Josh came with us. This weekend will be fun without a doubt, and I can't wait to make the most of it.

Ain't Ever Getting Older

The more I'm around Josh, the more I get a feel for us. Every couple is different with different dynamics and quirks. He and I have a crazy connection where we're almost freakishly in sync with each other. We text each other at the same time, think the same thoughts, finish each other's sentences, and even dream the same dreams. We like the same music and the same foods. Josh is like the male version of me, but actually tolerable.
We had dinner with his nephews, mom and dad. I've only been over for dinner once before, and his family holds the same traditions as mine. Always having vegetables, praying, and having manners. I've had dinner with a couple of different families and not everyone holds to that, especially the prayer. As we ate, his young  nephews were being difficult and misbehaving. As I spend time with his family as a whole, I see more and more how dysfunctional and imperfect they are. But it's that dysfunction and imperfection that's perfect to me. They're human and don't hide it. I genuinely love his family. His mom is the nicest and most down to earth person, and his dad is so sweet and funny. They went on vacation and actually thought of me and got a cute t-shirt. I feel like part of their family. His mom referred to me as "aunt [Eve]" over dinner. It took me by surprise. It might have just been a slip or not a big deal to them, but to me it means something. I'm getting close and I love it. I've been afraid to get too close. I've been burned before, the latest time being the worst. I've gotten involved in families and invested in people, all for naught. But with Josh's family, it's different. They're all so amazing in the simplest ways - and I never want this beautiful simplicity to end.

Yurt

I spend every waking moment thinking about Josh. How I miss him, want to hold his hand, kiss him, and have our asshole-ish sarcastic banter. My mom and I were looking into resorts for a long weekend in September for labor day. I happened to stumble upon one with great reviews, beautiful rooms, and lots to see and do in the area. Best of all,  it's accessible. He doesn't know it yet but I'm thinking about next summer already. He and I going on a couples trip would make me so happy. Obviously I have more than enough time to plan and browse,  but I love the idea. There are shooting ranges nearby and tons of fishing. Sometimes I think I plan too much in advance but I love when things are perfect, which takes time. I just love everything as it is.

All My Friends

Josh and I were able to score one last sleep over for the summer. I made plans with my friends so all of them could meet Josh and we could spend time together. My day started with a psychological interview for the DEP Police position. It was emotionally exhausting. There were far too many questions and inquiries. By the time I left, it was 2hrs later. I was exhausted but I rushed to NJ. I got to Josh, then we headed out. My friends, Josh, and I went to the beach. We watched the sun go down and saw how pretty the bright moon looked in the pastels. We gathered back to the car at the sight of lightning. It was beautiful to watch while I drove. We stopped for food and everyone finally got a chance to just sit down and talk. Everyone was getting along amazingly. I couldn't have asked for anything better. We left and I dropped everyone back to their respective houses.  Josh loves my friends and my friends love him.
Josh and I stopped for coffee on the way home and on the way into the drive thru, I hit the curb. I ended up losing part of the side of his car. The sliding door still works so it's purely cosmetic. I was just in pieces over it, and Josh could tell. He tried to calm my nerves and make me feel better. Eventually I was able to relax. We took advantage of his bed, then went to sleep. We cuddled all through the night and once again I loved feeling him so close. His alarm for school went off early in the morning and he told me he would call out so we could stay in bed together for longer. It was just he and I home. His parents are away on vacation so we had the house to ourselves. We slept in, I showered, and we saw a movie. We went to the mechanic to see how bad the car was. He didn't give anything by way of a price, and that makes me nervous. I'm so worried it'll be something outrageous. After that, we went to lunch/dinner. Just looking at him eating makes me smile. I tease him a lot, but I also love him a lot. It feels so perfect when we kiss. I eventually had to leave to come home, and it broke my heart. As soon as I got into the cab and watched as we pulled away, I got teary eyed. Something about this sleep over felt different. He and I were alone together. No parents or anyone else in the house. That's what I dream of in the future. I watched on my phone as we got farther away from each other on the map and it made me even more sad. But that feeling of sadness, especially in that degree, confirms what I really already knew. I never want to be without him.

My Law Student

I slept over at Josh's house the other night. I really do cherish every moment I spend with him. He asked me what my favorite times are with him, and I really didn't have to think much. My favorite moments are when we sleep together. It's so sweet to be able to roll over in the middle of the night and have the person you love right there next to you. You can listen to them breathe and feel the small movements as they dream. Josh calls me a spider monkey when I sleep. I like to be as close as possible to him no matter what. Whether it's being the little spoon, wrapping his arm over me to cuddle, or just draping my legs over his. I love being with him, in every aspect possible.
He had school the next day. It was the last day of his pre-law school session and he had an exam. Seeing him in his element with the other law students was nice. After the exam, he and I cut out and got lunch together. We had Cuban food with a pitcher of watermelon mojitos to share between us both. It felt like an adult date. I'm not sure why - maybe it was the adult drinks? The nice setting? The amazing food? Or maybe just the realization that we're both growing up, not just me.
After our lunch, we made a quick pit stop home, then headed back to his school. There was a family and friends BBQ that he wanted me to attend. Me being the introvert I am, I wasn't a huge fan of meeting new people. The introduction began and certificates were given out to the program graduates, and they welcomed as official students to the law school. A speech was made by some woman, I can't remember her roll. Maybe a Dean? But she asked the family and friends a few questions. Why do we want our law students to go to law school? And what's in it for us? I really had to think about that answer. I tease Josh all the time that I'm just using him for his rich lawyer money, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I wouldn't care if he became a shitty public lawyer being paid shit money. As long as he was happy doing what he was doing, that's all I'd care about. I want him to go to law school because that's what he wants. He loves history and the law and fighting for what's right. Josh has a pure heart, and it's very clear to me that he'll be the best lawyer possible. The woman said that the upcoming first semester was going to be the most difficult. Relationships will be tried and strained. Arguments will be had and silent treatments may be given. But in the end, the strongest relationships will survive. I believe Josh and I will make it. We have to. I've already fallen for him too hard to give up over some bullshit I know will pass. I've endured a lot of nonsense over the years, and I finally found someone who's worth enduring it for. I love my law student.

Life Changer

Exactly a year ago today, August 12th, I was admitted to the hospital. That experience really did change me.
When it all started, I thought it was a cold. I had a fever, chills, and I wasn't eating much. The last shift I worked before being admitted was tough. The last hour of it I spent hiding in clearance doubled over in pain. I was having the worst cramps of my life. I knew I was sick with something, I just didn't think it was as big as it was. After a few days of calling out of work and shaking on my couch, my mom insisted I go to a doctor. I went to my dad's GP. He did the works and as soon as he felt my sides and kidneys, he told me I needed to go to the ER, now. I was obviously alarmed, but thought I just needed some IV fluids. At first, the nurses in the ER didn't think much of it. I had recently taken Motrin so my fever was down, but they passed me to a general physician who was around the ER. I was placed in the children's ward so I'd have a private bed. I had a sonogram of my abdomen and kidneys done, as well as a bladder scan. From the results, they determined I did need some fluids, and help in general. The nurse went to give me an IV, but my veins kept collapsing and exploding due to the lack of water in my blood. It took them 6 tries to get a good line in, and my arms ended up looking like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. My dad was begging them to admit me purely because it would be cheaper for our insurance copays. The doctor agreed, but it wasn't until later that they saw the extent of my problems.
Once the Motrin from home wore off, all hell broke loose. I spiked a fever around 103 and started almost convulsing under the layers of sheets I was wrapped in. They gave me Tylenol to bring down the fever. They came to a diagnosis of pyelonephritis. It means I had not just one, but both of my kidneys were infected. This came as the result of a UTI I didn't treat because I had no symptoms. I was pumped with IV fluids, and was on a liquid diet for my first day and a half there. I continued to spike fevers, one getting as high as 105. They gave me Tylenol and then a dose of morphine in my IV drip. I instantly felt better. I was in excruciating pain because the shaking I'd do once I got a fever would aggravate my kidneys, which were already tender. Every 4hrs I would have all vitals taken, including a rectal temperature and at least 3 blood samples. The next and last time I had morphine was after a fever and shaking fit. As soon as I was injected with the morphine, I felt my chest collapse. JP was next to me and I looked at him, barely being able to speak, and told him I wasn't getting enough oxygen. The nurse saw something was wrong and took my oxygen levels. They were in the 80s, then normally they should be above 97. I was immediately put on a continuous oxygen feed to get my levels back up. I would get winded easily if I tried speaking or moving without the oxygen on me. I had respiratory therapy sessions with oral steroids every 6 or so hours to keep my lungs open and inflated. I was randomly taken for an echocardiogram early in the morning one day and I had no idea why. Once it was done, the attending physician told me that I was showing signs of early heart failure. He explained to me that since I was pumped so full of fluids, I wasn't able to filter it all because of my banged up kidneys. So the fluid I was being given was building up in my lungs, giving me pneumonia, and around my heart, sending me into early stages of heart failure. They got everything in time and the antibiotics started to help things along. I remember when they took me off my oxygen and I had a little freedom back. I remember taking my pole of IVs with me and walking around my ward. I found a window and just stopped. I didn't have a bed by a window, and I hadn't seen sun or trees or the sky in days. I only saw glimpses of them as I would be on a transport gurney because wings and wards on my way to various tests. I just stood there and watched as a breeze blew the leaves on a tree and the clouds moved so slowly across the bright blue sky. I could see people walking around below me and I wished I could be them. I missed feeling the sun and the wind and smelling something other than rubbing alcohol and latex. I began to get a little tired and headed back to my prison.
After a total of 2 bladder scans, 2 EKGs, 2 doses of morphine, 25+ needles, 3 IV ports, sonograms, an echocardiogram, a CT scan, and 6 days, I was finally released (with medication to take for my residual pneumonia). I said goodbye to my roommate Linda, who I spent many hours with just talking and sharing stories with. I thanked all of the nurses who helped me get changed, gave me a sponge bath, helped when I needed to go to the bathroom, and for every other up and down I needed them for. My dad brought them cookies and they said I was the model patient. We hugged and I left. When I walked at first, my legs were like noodles. Once I made it outside, I stopped right when the sun hit my face. I just stood there for a brief moment and enjoyed what I had taken for granted my whole life. I smelled the trees and felt the breeze play with my greasy hospital hair. The sun was so warm and felt like a hug. I swore to myself after that that I would never take what I have for granted. I can shower. I can brush my teeth. I can change my underwear. I can look outside. I can GO outside. I use that experience to also motivate me in my nursing studies. Every single nurse I came into contact with was amazing. One of them helped clean me up and even did my hair because she knew I was having company. I want to be like them. I want patients to look at me and be glad that I was their nurse. I'm a dedicated person; sometimes to those who don't deserve it. But I will dedicate my everything to my patients, just like my nurses did for me. I came out of that hospital with a new mindset and a shit ton of motivation. I ran into Linda about a month ago at work and we talked for a little. She said that at the time she didn't want to scare me at the time, but I looked pretty bad when I ended up getting my oxygen feed. She thought I looked really sick. It isn't that comforting to know that I looked just as bad as I felt.
Just to add a small section here, I wanted to mention JP's role in this mess. To his credit, he stayed with me most nights at the hospital. He also fought with me and we got into a little scuffle. He threw a cold hamburger at my face and gave me a nosebleed. It doesn't sound painful, but when you're in bad shape already, it hurts. He left the room in a storm of anger and left his vape behind. I took my IV pole, grabbed the vape, and brought it to the bathroom where I threw it into the bottom of the garbage under layers of blood, pee, shit, and god knows what else. Karma is a bitch.

Blissful Irrationality

I feel like in a lot of these posts, I say how grown up I feel. It's massively true. I never would have guessed even 6 months ago that late nights out would be acceptable now. I didn't get home until well after midnight on Friday due to being stuck in 2 1/2hr traffic. The ride was torturous, but I had Josh and two of his close friends in the back seat. They're both cool people. It was nice being able to actually talk to my boyfriends friends - be in his world. His friends seem to like me. We spent the hours discussing hookups and sex. You would think it would be awkward, but I like having people who aren't so conservative. God forbid if I touched upon the topic of sex with a male friend when I was with JP. My dad greeted me when I got home late and didn't mind. 

The next morning we left on a little road trip. We drove to CT and went to a whaling/boating museum. It had real ships and a recreated sea village from the 17-1800s. I found it all to be so fascinating. My mom had to stay behind due to work, but I still had a lot of fun. My dad and brother and I had fun together. Although, I was wishing the entire time that Josh were there with me. He'd love the history behind it and all of the cool buildings and exhibits. I wish I could take him everywhere with me. 

Josh started law school today. He's going to be busy for a long day each day. He's heard several professors say that law school will test relationships. We've endured long distance, and have been through a lot already. Both of our professions need a lot of dedication to succeed. Every relationship also needs dedication. Complete dedication is hard to find these days, but I know he and I have a 100% chance at succeeding in this relationship. We both care so irrationally for each other for only being together 4 months. Sometimes, irrational is a good thing - even a blessing. 

Wheelchair Guy and Dork

For the first time in a long time, I had a friend meet my boyfriend. I haven't mentioned Leo in a very long time, we are still close friends. He's one of the few that stuck by my side. I have already met a lot of Josh's friends, and so I thought it only right to have him come into my world for a change. Pinning people down is difficult and our situation is tough due to having to cross state lines. It's challenging, but we all made it work. I got Josh and Leo to meet. I was so thrilled to finally have them meet. Leo is one of the closest people to me in my life, and so I thought it was important I heard his thoughts on Josh. I was excited but slightly nervous. What if they didn't get along for some reason? That thought turned out to be just paranoia.
Josh and I drove from NJ to Leo's house, where we met and went out for lunch. They just seemed to click. They talked over lunch about military knowledge and things I knew nothing about. All I cared about was that they were getting along. I listened to them talking and chimed in occasionally, but mostly sat back and ate my lemon potatoes. After lunch, we all drove to Leo's campus to pick up a package for me. Leo gave us a tour and showed us a fort on campus. There was a small museum/library we went to. It was filled with models and portraits and historical facts. Josh was into it, and obviously Leo knew everything. We left campus and went to drive Leo to an appointment, but we're late. He rescheduled and asked us if we wanted to see a movie. That's when I knew it wasn't just pleasantries being exchanged. Leo actually wanted to spend more time with us. It sounds silly when I type it, but it was a big deal to me. I drove him home after the movie and we parted ways. It was probably one of the best days I've had all summer. It was so simple but meant so much to me. I interviewed both Josh and Leo, and they both liked each other. It was important for me this time around to listen to an outside opinion. I ignored what everyone told me about JP and look what happened. I found someone that my parents like, my friends like, I love, and is such a good fit for me. Having that day with Leo and Josh showed me that there really is supposed to be a balance to a relationship. Everyone needs friends, not just their significant others. It was so cool to be able to hang out with Leo and Josh without any weirdness. This is how it should be.

Fuck You

I haven't felt like a true adult until recently. Just a few days ago, I slept over at my boyfriends house because we had a late night concert. We didn't get home till around 12:30-1am. It was so nice being free. I didn't have to worry about time or being late. I enjoyed the show and shared a lot of laughs and smiles with Josh. He's absolutely perfect. The concert was awesome, but I think it was the parts around the concert that made the experience great. Before it started, we grabbed pizza on the way to the venue. We pulled right up to the front of the parking lot thanks to the handicap spaces and just hung out. Josh and I ate till we were stuffed, and I had a light drink to start off the night. The performances were awesome are predicted. Afterwards, we drove home and stopped at a local diner to get food for a late night snack/dinner. I had another drink when we got home and we ate together like a couple. The house was quiet and it was just us. I enjoyed being together, just he and I. It doesn't happen a lot. I enjoy occasional silence when it's spent with someone I love. Just eating and being together makes me smile. I was able to actually get him into bed myself, which I was very proud of. We got into bed, cuddled close, and I was out like a light. Feeling the one you love spooning you from behind is really such a great feeling. I feel protected and warm and happy. The next morning we took it slow. I had my first attempt at getting him out of bed and into his chair, AND I SUCCEEDED. That's probably the best feeling I've had in a little while. I was afraid of hurting him or fucking it up somehow. But he said I learned faster than his ex, and did it somewhat better than his parents in a couple aspects. I want to be able to do everything for him, like he does for me. It's so cool to think now we don't even have to rely on his mom to help us out. I can drive, help him up, and do pretty much whatever we want. This didn't come together as cohesively as I thought it would. But the point remains: I'm becoming an actual self-sustaining adult. As London Tipton would say, YAY ME!

00531.0

The Thursday coming up marks a big step in Josh and I's relationship. I'm sleeping over without a real reason. There's no job or anything important to do. We have a concert Thursday night and then we get to come home, late night drink, maybe skinny dip, and stay up all night talking and hanging out. I feel like that's what normal couples do. They stray away from responsibility every once in a while to enjoy time to be free together. I'll be able to spend my night however I want with the person I love. If we want to binge watch Netflix while drinking and eating take out diner food, we can. We can sit outside and look at the sky and have deep conversation. We can cuddle up at the end of the night and fall asleep feeling nothing but bliss, and maybe a little tipsy.
I was planning on smoking a little for the concert but the adult in me has to reject that stuff now. I applied for a position within the DEP Police about a year ago. I took the written exam and only a few days ago was I finally called for the next step. I spent about 6 1/2hrs at the Police Academy in the city getting my initial physical done. EKGs, vision, hearing, and a ton of paperwork. I was the only female in a group of 12 males by the end. The rest of the candidates in the room were police cadets beginning their journey as well. Some of them looked the part while others just didn't fit that profile. They drug tested me and took 3 different sections of my hair. My hair goes all the way down my back to about the middle of my butt, so there was A LOT of hair. I admitted on the drug form that I had dabbled in drugs, but only in high school. A half-assed confession to try and soften the blow of them finding it in my hair. The officer giving out the forms told us that they really only test for the last 3-4 months. If that's the case, I'm clean. If they test my entire length of hair, we might have some problems. He said that drugs aren't exactly a deal breaker as long as they haven't been recently used or been involved in some kind of legal action against you. I'm half hopeful and half doubtful. The Police Academy I'd be attending is about 3hrs upstate. That throws a wrench into the mix. I'd have to live up there or close by if this were to move forward. Usually this process takes a few years and hopefully by that time, I'll have a degree and be able to choose what I want. However, the officer I spoke to said they could call me as early as 6 months. It depends how desperately they need people and how good of a class we have. There's so much to consider with this possible job. It's just a plan B, but it's intense to train and actually complete this. I'm going for my psych evaluation in a few weeks. I know I'll pass and they already have the list of medication I'm on. I'm hiding nothing, and for that they can't penalize me. One step at a time. But the slow steps are starting to feel like massive leaps in this case.

Dandelion

This is the first post I've written from my laptop in a few long time. My laptop broke and I was afraid of fixing it due to the cost. It ended up being free under some warranty I didn't even know I had. Go figure. Then as I went to plug it in at home, my charging wire didn't work. The cute little monster had chewed through my wire. Luckily for me, the stars aligned and I got Josh's old wire instead of having to buy a new one. It's the little things like that that remind me how awesome it is to have someone who has your back. With JP, anything he did had to hidden and covered up because I knew how wrong that relationship was deep down. Now I have a normal relationship. The hours a day we spend together at work are priceless. They may drag on sometimes, but it's the small conversations or comments that make memories. When I get stressed during my upcoming semester, I'll think of the time I made him each spinach. And the times he taught me exactly how he likes his coffee. And when I surprised him with mini cannolis. And even just the pointless trips just to get away from the desk. I love being with him. He lets me bring him to places he doesn't enjoy, like a GoodWill store today or into the clearance sections of countless stores. He lets me be me, and loves me for my quirks. I feel like I say a lot of the same shit over and over in these posts regarding him. I just can't put it into words exactly how I feel about him.
Josh asked me the other day if people stare at us when we walk together in public, on account of his wheelchair. I was nothing but honest with him and told him people are going to stare. I know a lot of them feel sympathy, or maybe think I'm some kind of saint for dating someone in a wheelchair. When we started talking, I didn't know he was in a chair. It wasn't till I read through his profile that I realized. I didn't discount him, like many others have. I guess maybe they think that because he's in a wheelchair, his brain doesn't function? I'm not sure what goes on in other peoples' heads. Josh has told me on several occasions that he never wants to embarrass me because he's disabled. Everyone has shit wrong with them. His flaw just happens to be on the outside. But I'd much rather see someone's baggage upfront than discover it when it's too late. My flaw is my mind. I'm bipolar and still have streaks of crazy. Nothing has happened to trigger anything yet, and I hope it never will. Our first argument will be tough for me. I really don't know how that'll go, since I've found myself more outspoken as of late. It's tough for people to visualize, but this 5'2 white girl has a temper. I'll never forget the day when I punched JP square in the face out of sheer anger. He's over a foot taller than me and about twice my weight, and I didn't hesitate to deck him. When I'm in emotional pain, I have no fear. Was he going to punch me back? Maybe. Did I do it without thinking anything through? You bet your ass I did. I never want Josh to see that side of me. I never want him to see the cold calculating side to me that comes out when I feel threatened either. I become a different person. Josh doesn't know what he's dealing with yet. He may be able to handle it, and maybe he can't. But there's no way of knowing until something happens. You might love someone to absolute death and beyond, but still be forced to walk away after seeing a certain side of them that you can't/won't handle. I'd rather be with a kind hearted soul who can't walk than someone who's internally a ticking time bomb under certain conditions. Every time you see an able-bodied person holding hands with someone disabled, don't think that they're some sort of angel. Maybe they're a little broken too.

Happily Manic

I lied to my psychiatrist today. Most people would think that would be a bad idea, however I think I'm right where I want to be. The last time he adjusted my meds, I decreased my downers because I was complaining I was always tired. Since then, I've noticed a few more manic spells than usual, which makes sense given my decrease in downers. But I prefer it this way. It's annoying to go back and forth and find what medications work for you exactly. I'd rather be too happy than too sad. Me being manic just means me talking more and maybe being a little more excitable. I'm not overly manic or crazy, but it's nice to have that rather than depression. Today I actually accomplished every chore that had to be done. I started washing my bed sheets but only got halfway done. I forgot to do the other half, because I'm just that forgetful. But I feel accomplished. It didn't take me long to get everything done, and then I looked back and thought how awesome it is to be productive. I want to clean my room and live like the person I want to be. I'm organized everywhere else but in my own personal space. I made brownies at Josh's house and was cleaning up after myself. I cleaned every dish in the sink, wether it was mine or not. I like being clean and neat. But for whatever reason, my room has always been a little crazy. It isn't like I'm living in filth, but it could be cleaner. Josh and I both have to clean out our closets. We have too many clothes. I can barely fit all of my shirts in my drawers. I have a slight hoarding tendency that I inherited from my dad and his dad. I just hate loss, so I find it so hard to let go of things. Even if it's just a soda tab, a shoelace, broken headphones, or old boxes from whatever I ordered online. As my therapist tells me, I have to do one thing at a time and not get intimidated by the entire picture all at once. By doing several of those baby steps, you could end up walking a mile.

Love Yourz

I had my first sleepover ever alone with a boyfriend. We left work in the city a little early and drove back to his house where we picked up his nephew and went bowling. It was late by the time we got home, so I showered quickly and got into bed with him. I was afraid I'd be cold, because I'm always cold. But I guess I underestimated the body heat. It was an intimate night. He fell asleep first, and I listened to him softly breathing. Then I looked at him and put my nose gently against his, and I watched him sleep for a little while. It took some time to get adjusted to the new environment, but I eventually passed out. I was told I sleep like a "spider monkey". I had my legs draped over his and cuddled as close as I could into his chest. He said he had actually kissed me a few times in my sleep, but I guess I was too exhausted to notice.
We got up bright and early, and left his house around 7am to get to his law school orientation. It was a big day for him. I sat through 3hrs of legal lectures that made no sense to me. I guess he could see how tired and bored I was there, so he decided to skip the rest of the day and leave early with me to get lunch on our own. We went to a bbq place close by and had our usual fun lunch dates. I still feel a little full from that meal. Him leaving that day early meant a lot to me. I didn't ask for it. I signed up to spend the full 8-ish hours there with him. He decided I was more important than the boring formalities of an orientation. I was happy but still felt a little guilty. That was his chance to meet some of the people in his class and he chose me instead. Bittersweet, but more sweet.
Taking the train home gave me time to think and listen to music. A song came on called Love Yourz by J. Cole. It really hit me hard. It's about learning to love your life, no matter the situations you may be in. I'm slowly coming to that part of my life. I haven't gotten there yet. I don't completely love my life or am totally satisfied. But I love the idea of coming to terms with yourself and your life. Shit happens but it all happens for a reason. There will always be someone out there who has it worse than you. But in contrast, there will always be someone who has it better. The goal is to come to terms with that and love what you have instead of lusting for something bigger or better. Nobody's life is perfect, but it's all about how you look at things. I've never been the optimistic type, but I'm really trying to see things in new ways to benefit my life and my attitude. The small changes add up over time. "For what's money without happiness? Or hard times wthout the people you love? Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next, I asked for the strength from the Lord up above"

All the Way Up

I just slightly missed the date but yesterday would have been JP and I's 2yr anniversary. I look back on that entire relationship and wonder what I was doing and why. I'm a completely different person now than I was even 6 months ago. I still have many flaws and quirks, but they're all embraced and loved. Every bump and bruise is met with a teasing comment instead of suspicion and doubt. Josh was almost like a gentle spring rain for me. He carefully watered me and encouraged me to grow. He didn't press for any details of my past or where I had been. He waited and let me talk to him in my own time. The layers have been peeling away faster than I thought possible. I feel cleansed. I don't know if that makes sense to someone not in my own brain. I feel truly happy and satisfied with my life as a whole. Of course it has its moments of chaos and stress, but I feel like I can handle that better. My medication decreased with my downer so now I'm a little more happy and slightly manic. I'd rather be happy and a little manic every once in a while than be sad and depressed. I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I'll be for the rest of my life. I've learned from my years of being a psychology major that peoples' personalities and traits don't fully develop until the early to mid-20s. I never thought I'd change, let alone in such a short period - but who am I to complain. I like this me better. I still need to work on things but nobody is perfect. I'm just lucky I found the person I can be imperfect with for a very very long time.

Observations

I've been noticing some changes in myself lately. I've had a lot of free time to think and evaluate how I've changed in the last few months. I've noticed myself being a lot more outspoken and willing to talk to people. Phone calls still scare me and so does contact with strangers. But I'm working on it and really think I've come far. I feel much more independent too. I can talk to whoever I want and not get shit for it from Josh. My parents are also giving me more space to do what I want. They respect the fact that I wake up early just to see my boyfriend on one of my few days off. They don't question much by way of when I'll be home either when I work with him in the city during the week. They know that the relationship I'm having is a real adult relationship. We both work and go to school and make time for each other. He finally met my parents and they liked him. They see that he's a normal and very sweet guy. He has so much potential as a professional and even more potential as a partner for life. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. He understands every aspect of me. It's like I met my long lost best friend who I wanna spend every day with for the rest of my life.
In contrast to the good, I've also noticed myself getting very emotional at very small things. A commercial where a woman is playing with her kids? Tearing up. Billboard with cute animals? Tearing up. Ads for wedding movies? Tearing up. I've been so emotional in the last couple weeks and I don't really get why. Nothing has changed that recently or made that major of an impact. It's just the smallest things that seem to illicit a reaction. It's odd to me because I usually have such a thick skin, especially to nonsensical shit I see every day. Just thought I would note that. It's interesting being able to think so much in depth about yourself. But with a full 24+hrs a week of boredom at work with Josh, there's only so much internet a mind can take. Self-reflection is healthy to a point. I just hope I don't cross that point and end up driving myself mad. I'm rambling at this point and I can a kitten batting at my head. I'll continue to over analyze myself at a later date.

Communication is Futile

Before writing a new blog entry, I read the entry last published to see my train of thought and where I was. I avoided this post the most. Even thinking about Scout brings me to a crippling depression. Like almost all of my negative emotions and feelings, I push it back into the depths of my mind. I don't think about it or talk about it. I keep all of those bad things to myself. Why poison a positive chapter of my life with something I know will hurt me? I still haven't appropriately mourned for Scout. I haven't sat down and just bawled and let it out. I told myself I'd do it later and never got around to it. It sounds so mechanical, but it truly is what I do. Of course I've cried a little through the initial shock and at a couple dog videos I've seen online. But not the meaningful kind of crying. The kind that after you do it, you feel relief - or at least somewhat better. I've spoken about my lack of communication with my feelings to my therapist lately. She obviously told me it was because of other deep-seeded issues I have. I've never been one to easily communicate. I told her that I felt like I don't express to Josh enough how much he means to me in person, face to face. I find it so hard to do that. Even though it's something positive, it still feels forced and disjointed when I try. I've grown to have a smart mouth and very dry sense of humor, and you probably wouldn't think I'd be the kind of person to be so reserved about silly things like telling my boyfriend how much I care about him. I'm not the only one who feels this way either about my disjointed communication. JP used to tell me the same thing, almost daily. I don't know if Josh fully recognizes my issues with communication, but I do. I see it and I want to fix it. When I found out about Scout, I used simple words to express how I felt, like 'sad'. I just kept repeating to him how 'sad' I was, like I was a child who couldn't communicate properly. Once again, I'm sweeping my emotions and feelings under the rug. My desire to ignore them is stronger than my desire to face them. One day I'll change.

Grand Entrance and Quick Exit

The saying goes that if one door closes, another one is opened in its place. We adopted a tiny 6 week old calico who I named Muffin. She's so small and delicate. We brought her home and started the tricky process of introducing her to my big German Shepard, Scout. It took some time but they got used to each other. They even got comfortable enough to sleep within a foot of each other. In the middle of the day today, my mom noticed Scout's stomach was a little distended. She hadn't been eating much the last few days so she told my dad to take her to the vet hospital to see what was up. We all expected some strange diagnosis and for her to return with some new medication she'd be finicky about taking. I didn't pet her goodbye or even acknowledge her leaving. I knew she'd be back, just like every time prior. However, my dad called maybe 20mins later and told my mom the news. Scout had had an aggressive cancer in her spleen that the vet hadn't picked up on during her previous visits this year. Her spleen inflamed and swelled and eventually burst. This caused her abdomen to swell with blood. We had two options. She could have surgery then face chemo and radiation to buy her 2-3 more months. Or she could be put down. Any life is about quality vs quantity. No living thing should be put through hell and painful treatments just to live a few more months in pain. My dad decided to put her down. I wanted to go and say goodbye, but I wouldn't have made it in time. My mom and I both cried and hugged. My brother had a friend over so we didn't tell him until much later. Our entire family is devastated. We had her from the age of 3 months. She was just a little fluff ball when we got her 9 1/2yrs ago. She's been through a lot with our family and I feel such a deep pain in my heart. Loss is something I have never dealt with well. I get thrown into a deep depression and I become very introverted. I'm on medication to help with my emotional state and management but this is going to throw me for a loop. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, so I'm lucky I have an appt soon. I have Josh by my side talking me through everything and trying to console me. If it weren't for him and Muffin, I don't know what I would do. I honestly would most likely turn to cutting again. Scout and Muffin only knew each other for 12hrs, but I believe that that was enough time for Scout to realize she was approaching the end of her road. She approved of Muffin and made that clear. We have converted Scout's old blanket/bed area into a 'kitty pavilion'. I think it's what Scout would have wanted. She passed the torch to the newbie of the house. Muffin is already being an energetic fluff ball, just like Scout was up until the end. It's so hard to accept another loss in my life, especially one so sudden and unexpected. I really hope I don't become self destructive again. I don't think Josh could handle seeing me like how I was. I miss you Scout, and I love you so much.

The Addition

It was a busy day with Josh again. We accomplished a lot together. It amazes me how the simplest things turn into fun with him. Getting food, work clothes shopping, and just driving. I don't know what he sees in me but I hope that never fades.
Tomorrow we're adding a new member to our family. I'm finally adopting my second cat. I've been waiting for this day since it was promised for my birthday in January. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight from all the excitement. I just know that summer keeps getting better and better and I don't want that to end.

Road to Eternity

Life has a really funny way of sneaking past you when you aren't paying attention. Facebook brought up a photo from my high school prom years ago and I just sat there shocked. It seems like just yesterday we were all having the time of our lives and celebrating the end to high school. I miss the high school days when things were so much simpler. But then again, it feels like a million years ago. I can't remember the last time I wore a uniform or had to comply with strict dress codes. I look back and think about that circle of friends I had. I thought we would all transition into adulthood and keep in touch. I guess that was a silly fantasy. I still have those few that proved to be true friends, while the other got carried off in the whirlwind of life. Thinking so much of the past makes me think equally as much about the future. As a kid I always dreamed of getting married and having a family and finding that person to finally settle down with. I've never been overtly feminine, but I do have secret dreams of beautiful weddings and flowing gowns and bouquets. When I pictured my wedding, I could never see the type of person I'd marry. There was no defined cookie cutter image of what I wanted. The person who I found is definitely not cookie cutter. Because he can't stand, girls may have passed him up and never thought twice. They never wanted to break whatever cookie cutter mold they had in mind. Since I had no mold to match, Josh was a perfect fit. I think a lot of people underestimate him because he's in a wheelchair. I didn't take him at face value. I didn't see the distance issue or the wheelchair being a major obstacle. I found someone who felt like a long lost best friend, and there was no way I'd leave that behind over trivial things most people would be stuck on. I accepted who he was, and he accepted who I was. I know anyone else looking in would say we're insane because we say we love each other so early in the relationship, but I can't fake how I feel with him. We're already thinking years in advance. This nights FaceTime included a discussion of where we'd be in 5yrs. It excites me that I finally found someone who I can settle down with, and who is just as eager as I am about it. It all goes to show that taking just one little leap of faith can lead to the beginning of the rest of your life.

You

How many emails have you written me in the last few months? How many times have I voiced my disgust with you? How many nights have you spent parked outside my house, just waiting and watching? How many hours of sleep have you lost over what you did? How much have you neglected your family to come hunt me down on my campus? How many times did you roam my campus looking for me? Why didn't I see this all coming from the beginning? The pictures, the videos, the recordings, the hours spent together doing nothing but reviewing 'evidence'. I look back at the photos I have saved from last February and think to myself why I even continued. Josh knows. He knows everything. You were once such a powerful force in my life, and I thought you truly cared for me in return. You did some good, I can't take that from you. But you also did very bad. That powerful force who I thought would be around until I die was revealed to really just be a coward playing tough guy. I read your emails and I laugh. I laugh at how pathetic of a person you were, and I question what I ever saw in you. I remember you saying after our last meeting that that was the coldest thing you had ever experienced. I am not your girlfriend. I am not your lover. I am not your friend. I am someone who had the misfortune of making your acquaintance. However, I wouldn't change a thing. You taught me a few valuable lessons. And if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm happy as could be with Josh and his friends and his family. A years and a half together and I only met one friend of yours. Remember Beans? I do. I hope for the rest of your miserable life you replay in your head all of those moments we shared, and everything I did for you. I was more down for you than your own wife. You made your decision and I hope you can live with that. I want you to suffer every day and every night. Every waking moment I want you to feel what I felt. God has given me what I deserve. I only hope he does the same for you.

Out of the Woods

I have officially gotten past the hardest final of the semester. I'm not sure if I kicked it's ass or vice versa, but I suppose time will tell. I only have one final left and I'm confident. My summer has pretty much already started. 

I saw Josh today and I saw a sneak peek of the future. We wandered the mall and bought a few things and spent time together that wasn't outwardly too amazing, but pretty awesome to me. Sometimes I look at him when he doesn't know I'm looking. He really is the person I see to be in my life until the day I die. He's the sweetest and kindest person I know, and he's handsome as hell. He's just the right mixture of gentleman and asshole. 

Josh bought me a cute swimsuit, which I'll be keeping along with a coverup at his house during the summer. We also went out and got the kind of tampons I like and I'm keeping those in his bathroom. I already feel like I'm making myself at home there. Now that I can drive, we have much more independence. We can go out whenever we want. I actually like driving. Today Josh and I had a car sing along to A Milli by Lil Wayne. Never in my wildest dreams last year did I think this is where I'd end up now. A new man, a new life, a new happiness, and a new perspective on life. If things are meant to happen, they will. If it isn't meant to be, it won't happen. Timing is everything, and I wouldn't change my past at all. Everything bad in my life has led me to this moment; sitting on the train watching the sunset and scenery fly by as I head home from a day with Josh. I can't think of a better way to spend my days. 

Malibu

Josh's graduation party was Saturday night. I got to meet his extended family and some of the friends I hadn't met before. I got all dressed up and felt beautiful. It was the first time I ever wore lipstick. The cast of characters in Josh's family range from superficially sweet, to genuinely amazing people. As soon as we got to the venue, the pictures started. I couldn't take my eyes off of him for too long. He was handsome as hell, and I could tell how happy he was. I knocked back 6+ drinks while talking to his best friend and his cousins. His best friend loved me, and I definitely loved her too. She's the one who talked me into having just one more drink. I see some serious fun in our future. His cousins were so funny and we got along great. They're both such smart guys mathematically and scientifically, yet they suck in english classes. Go figure. If I could relive that night again, I totally would. It was fun being able to relax and not be stressing about school or assignments or finals. At the end of the party, his parents were too drunk to drive so I ended up driving his dad home while buzzed. Then Josh and I got gas for the van. It's so nice being able to go out together just because we want to. I can officially drive where ever and whenever I want. It's the stupid little things that make me think of the future. 5yrs down the line, we might be using that same gas station to fill up before a road trip or some other fun event together. I said for the first time on Facebook that I loved him. My mom brought it up over dinner, but she actually just thought it was sweet. She wasn't critical. Josh tells me that they talk more often than I think. That actually makes me a little happy inside. They haven't even formally met yet, and they're somewhat bonding over how cranky I am in the mornings. Everything is slowly falling into place. Josh told me on Saturday that I was officially part of the family. That took me aback for a moment, but in a good way. I haven't felt like I belonged with another family in a very long time. The conclusion of the party drew so many kisses from people. I'm not used to that level of affection. I sound like a poorly socialized cat, but it's true. I think I probably kissed about half of the people in that room on the cheek in the span of about 30mins. My family isn't so overtly affectionate. Not usually anyway. I'm gonna have to get used to the little formalities. There is still much to learn, but I do know that I want to stay a part of Josh's family, forever.

Somebody Loves You

Sometimes I doubt myself. I tried hard this semester to work for what I want in life. The past of my existence has been awful. I got pregnant, had an abortion, lived a secret life, and decided to completely switch schools and majors. I took a semester off to try and get myself emotionally back together but it didn't work as well as I intended it to. The stress of my first semester back has gotten to me. I've been having migraines and problems sleeping. Either I'm sleeping too much, or not enough. I asked my parents if I could stay the night at Josh's house since he has his graduation dinner on Saturday. Instead of a simple no, I was ripped a new one. My parents both agreed that I'm not working hard enough and they don't think I want this badly enough. My mom does this thing sometimes when she's being critical of me where she laughs at me and talks to me like I'm a child. I felt like it went on forever just listening to the two of them criticize my work at school, and even suggesting I should drop out because "maybe school isn't for you". I didn't cry about any of this until just now while writing. It breaks my heart to think that my parents think so little of me that they would actually suggest I drop out of school. Part of me wishes they knew the whole story with JP. Maybe then they would understand why this semester was so hard for me. It wasn't just the adjustment of beginning school again. There were other factors at play that they simply have no idea about. My mom called me a liar when I told her I would be studying over the summer to prepare to take A&P again in the fall. She always assumes she knows better than anyone. I still haven't told her that I plan to join Josh 3 days a week during his internship as his aid. I will be getting paid to study while he works. I can't imagine her response when I tell her. Both of my parents are going to think we'll be hanging out the entire time and no studying will get done. They'll think me getting paid is a terrible idea (my mom already expressed this). My parents don't trust me to be an adult and to make adult choices. A&P caught me off guard and it was much more difficult than I thought possible. I didn't think parents existed to make you feel like shit over something you already know you fucked up. I accepted the fact that I failed and I moved forward. Failure is not easy for me to accept, but I had to. They decided to pick on me even more for my shortcomings. My mom always tries to twist and contort things in a way that make me sound crazy. She blames things on my mental state and tries to connect dots that aren't there. She thinks I found a boyfriend just to distract myself from work, like somehow I wanted to fail. She doesn't see how hard I work or how I study or how I do homework. When I'm home with her, I try to hang out with her and spend time together. I guess because of that, she doesn't see me studying. It's a lose/lose. I hate how depressed I get over this kind of thing. I just hate being a failure. A few years ago my mom called me a failure, and I never forgot that. I cried for hours after that. Those words still echo in my head every time I get a bad grade or I don't feel like I'm performing up to her standards. I hate being my fucked up self.

Broken U

I have officially passed my road test. When I was told I had passed, my heart skipped a beat and I became so thrilled and happy. Having my license doesn't mean a lot here in NY since I don't have my own car. Between gas and insurance and upkeep and the car itself, it isn't worth it. Instead, I will be using my license to travel who knows where with Josh. We can finally go places without his mother driving us. We'll be like a real adult couple instead of young high schoolers being shuttled by mothers everywhere they go. Josh and I are already planning adventures and fun trips for the summer. Places to eat, things to see, and activities to do. He asked me today if I still see him being in my life. I think questions like those are so silly. If I didn't want something serious, I wouldn't be doing what I do or saying what I say. I've learned to speak my mind more often and voice my feelings. My parents were so happy and proud of me for passing my road test. Slowly but surely, I'm growing up. I remember when I graduated from high school and I thought that would be the summer of freedom. Fuck that. This is going to be the summer I've been wishing for for so many years. I have a license, a means to get around with my amazing boyfriend, plenty of plans and ideas, and a lot of new people to meet.
Josh's graduation dinner is fast approaching, and that means socializing. All of his friends and family want to meet me and find out who this new girlfriend is in Josh's life. It's intimidating to meet all of those people who hold so much meaning to Josh. But just like my road test, I have to keep calm. As long as I act natural and like my usual lovable self, I'll pass the family/friends test. Vroom vroom - into my future I go.